Emily Rose: The Reboot

[liza3]

So good to hear that work is going great and now you have that nice raise that you can go and treat yourself to updating your wardrobe!
Your swimming always sounds so good to me, even if you don't have all the fun characters to chat with at your current pool Even though I am a lousy swimmer I do have really good memories of when I used to go regularly. There is something about swimming (probably the completely immersive experience) that just feels so good for the body!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I'm just trying to go with it a bit more.
- I find swimming kind of boring Marsia but I think the break from my phone and music and any other stimuli is really good for my brain and probably why it makes me so naturally tired. More of that!
- Haha, I really do miss the fun characters Liza. One guy said to me one time, 'You were like a ship going through the water.' Still makes me laugh.

Another Friday night and I ain't got nobody... but that's okay. I did a meditation on loneliness during the week and it was very cheering. The man was basically saying that you need to be happy when you're alone because it means you are content with who you are. So then you'll enjoy being with people a lot more and not have that 'lonely in a crowd' feeling. Although, to be fair, I don't get that feeling too often. It's more that I am taken over by thoughts about things that I am sad about sometimes in a crowd and I just have no interest in being there. But people are generally friendly to me and make me feel included, so it's not a lonely feeling per se. Or maybe it is? Anyway. What I'm trying to say is that that particular meditation really helped and gave me a few things to mull over.

Work today was a bit irritating. Our boss makes us have these 'talks' on a Friday, but then seems to be annoyed if she asks leading questions and your responses are negative. If you don't want to hear the answer, then don't bloody ask the question! It's all a bit annoying, to be honest. But the week was good overall.

I started watching season 2 of Break Point this evening, I'm really enjoying it. I find it quite inspiring. Not just in terms of tennis, but for life in general.

The plan for Saturday is to take life easy and maybe get some nice food in town. I might walk in, which takes about 50 minutes. I don't really like going for walks but I don't mind walking if there's a destination at the end, if that makes sense. My poor aunt was a big tennis player and golfer, but her health has taken a bit of a dip and she can't really play them anymore. She's doing pilates now and going for walks, but she complained to me that the walks are 'so boring.' She has the overactive mind too! Getting old is no joke, I can tell you. I try not to think about it, but I guess it becomes more of a thing when your parents and aunts and uncles start to push on. Anyway, I'm not even 40 yet, no point in getting too morbid. Lots of life to go I hope.

This week has been pretty dull but maybe dull is what I need. Things are amping up again next week. I need to be ready. Sleep is the number one priority for the next few days and I'm definitely going to do a bit of yoga, now that the floor in my room is clear again. And do a 5k, probably Sunday. Can't see it happening tomorrow. Possibly a swim, I will see what the energy levels are like.

 

[Marsia]

I'm glad you are being paid more to go to those work talks. I wonder if your boss was thinking that they would be something to help everyone bond? Anyway, glad work is going well in general. We like taking pictures on our walks, and having a destination at the end of one is always really nice. I hope you get lots of fun exercise in, and I hope you don't worry too much about getting older. If you stay in shape and stay happy and interested in the world, people don't view you as old. Only the physically and emotionally crotchety people are viewed as old!
Edit: I view going on my treadmill as very boring, too, so am not doing it enough. I have decided after reading your thing about swimming being boring that I am going to view treadmill as meditation time and see how to combine exercise and meditation. Maybe swimming could be paired with a gratitude practice or something nice. Anyway, just a thought.

 

[liza3]

That meditation on loneliness sounds really good and nice that it gave you some good things to continue to mull over--I always like those talks that really make me consider things further.

Work today was a bit irritating. Our boss makes us have these 'talks' on a Friday, but then seems to be annoyed if she asks leading questions and your responses are negative. If you don't want to hear the answer, then don't bloody ask the question! It's all a bit annoying, to be honest

lol that kind of made me laugh--but yeah very true, we have to be ready to hear answers we don't like if we want to ask the questions! I wonder, though, if even though your boss may sound annoyed in the moment of hearing things she doesn't want to hear, it may give her some good take-aways to think about...

I think a lot of people don't really enjoy walks, or find them boring or whatever--I think that's why so many people end up listening to podcasts or music or something to make them more interesting.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Marsia. Yes, sometimes I try to just be present when swimming and focus on my strokes in the water and my breathing and all that. I do a count so that I know what lap I am on. I end up thinking about a lot of things anyway but I do think it helps.
- Hi Liza. Yeah, she does often think about things I've said and come back to me, even if it doesn't go well at the time. Which is nice for sure.

Just on the last point that Liza made about people listening to podcasts and stuff when walking to keep it interesting...

I really think we've reached saturation point as a society where we need to be constantly stimulated, and I don't think it's leading us to anywhere good. I went to the cinema earlier and there were a group of men around my age there and three of them were beside me. I have never seen more phone action in my life. Like, constant. One of them actually recorded a voice note in the middle of the film and then replayed it so we could all hear it again!!! (as if the first time wasn't irritating enough) and his phone was constantly flashing this really bright light every time he got a message. God, it was annoying. The lack of attention span from grown men was unbelieveable.

It's good to be able to switch off. It's good to just have quiet every now and then.

I was thinking earlier that I really want to enter a Golden Age in my life. You know, just a period of time where everything is going well. I look amazing, I feel amazing, I have loads of friends around me, I'm in love, my parents are healthy and happy, I'm making lots of money, I'm winning tennis matches... Lol. But I really do want to just enter a period in life where things are just easy. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that. I don't want to constantly be living from a place of lack. I really want abundance.

Life is never one way all the time, there are ups and downs and lessons to learn and challenges and all that. But I think it can also be glorious. I'm ready for the harvest, my friends. I am ready.

 

[Marsia]

Wow, you are way more patient than I would have been with the guys in the theater on their phones. That's so incredibly rude. I completely agree about the neurotic need for constant stimulation and how being bored just means it's time to strengthen one's relationship with oneself or practice gratitude or to just get still and peaceful. All this passive consumption is really boring to me, too, if it doesn't lead to actively enriching one's life and the lives of the people around us. It's like people forget that life is to be actively lived.

I like how your wish for a Golden Age is in and of itself a mini-Golden Age. My favorite quote is from Joseph Campbell, "The best we can do is to lean toward the light," which is a reminder for me that I can't control what happens, but I can control my reaction to it, and I can keep my faith in the goodness of the universe. I do hope you get a nice long run of things going a lot easier!!

 

[liza3]

Yes pretty crazy how addicted people have become to stimuli for sure. That cinema example is pretty extreme.
I remember even before the age of constant computer and phone use, going on retreats where all the extra stimuli is limited and it feels pretty uncomfortable at first, but then you get into it....but yeah we really are trying to escape ourselves I think with all the extra noise...I find I really fall for that when anxiety hits. But yeah I actually do really value a lot of silent time in general and do love my walks to be noise free.

Life is never one way all the time, there are ups and downs and lessons to learn and challenges and all that. But I think it can also be glorious. I'm ready for the harvest, my friends. I am ready.

Beautiful! Yes! Manifest! I always imagine the glorious times is when I can embrace all the challenges and really just live life and all it has to offer.

 

[Cate]

I was thinking earlier that I really want to enter a Golden Age in my life. You know, just a period of time where everything is going well. I look amazing, I feel amazing, I have loads of friends around me, I'm in love, my parents are healthy and happy, I'm making lots of money, I'm winning tennis matches... Lol. But I really do want to just enter a period in life where things are just easy. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that. I don't want to constantly be living from a place of lack. I really want abundance.

Life is never one way all the time, there are ups and downs and lessons to learn and challenges and all that. But I think it can also be glorious. I'm ready for the harvest, my friends. I am ready.

I hope that you find this abundance, Em

 

[Emilyrose]

All this passive consumption is really boring to me, too, if it doesn't lead to actively enriching one's life and the lives of the people around us. It's like people forget that life is to be actively lived.

- Love this Marsia!
- Thanks Liza. MANIFEST!
- Me too Cate.

I'm a bit down this evening after a pretty good day overall. I've tried to passively consume to drown out the sad thoughts but I just can't be bothered. Nothing's working anymore! I'm sick of music, I'm sick of films, I'm sick of everything.

I went for a swim last night and I really enjoyed it again, so at least that's one thing I'm not sick of. I'm pretty sure the courts will be frozen tomorrow. I'm meant to be playing tennis for a few hours, which would have been nice, but I can't see it happening.

Weight has gone up a little bit but body fat is down a bit. I really have to watch it. I had a good eating day today, but I've ruined it with a bag of crisps and a 100 g protein bar this evening. It was a binge really, I was just shovelling the food in, not even tasting it. I hate when I do this. Even though my diet is still a disaster, bingeing isn't really a thing for me anymore in the way it used to be. It used to be a daily thing. Now it's more overeating from time to time, or just eating a takeaway or something, which is overeating to me as I always eat too much of it and feel too full afterwards.

I feel sad about Tom tonight, and then I feel sad about me feeling sad about that. Lol. I still think about him too much. I can't seem to shake it off.

What has been good over the last couple of weeks though is that I've started to think more about me again. 'What do you mean?' you say, scratching your head. 'How could you possibly think about yourself any more than you already do?!'

What I mean is that I've started to examine how to get to the next stepping stone of personal development. I kind of know what is keeping me chained to the current stepping stone. The next leap seems impossible.

I've been thinking that I really am afraid. Smoking and all of those things keep you closed off from the world and from people. They're all insular things. Food addiction or obsession is an insular thing. Drinking is an insular thing, particularly the way I drink anyway. I'm keeping myself cocooned. Nice and safe (if unhealthy) in here.

So yeah. There's stuff coming up that I need to be open for. I need my energy levels to be high. The swimming is helping because it knocks me out. I had an excellent sleep last night. I'm wired again tonight unfortunately and just really bothered about things. But I will try to sleep soon and hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

 

[Marsia]

It seems like things have been going along where there isn't much change in your life for a while now, and I am wondering if planning in some changes would help you feel more engaged? Do you know why the next step seems so hard, Em? It's good to see you can look at your progress with food, and nice that swimming is helping you to be pleasantly tired. I hope you are able to relax and get a good night's sleep and have a really positive day tomorrow!!

 

[Cate]

It seems like things have been going along where there isn't much change in your life for a while now, and I am wondering if planning in some changes would help you feel more engaged? Do you know why the next step seems so hard, Em? It's good to see you can look at your progress with food, and nice that swimming is helping you to be pleasantly tired. I hope you are able to relax and get a good night's sleep and have a really positive day tomorrow!!

Marsia said what I would have said, but more eloquently. I hope you are sound asleep & having sweet dreams Em xo

 

[liza3]

I've been thinking that I really am afraid. Smoking and all of those things keep you closed off from the world and from people. They're all insular things. Food addiction or obsession is an insular thing. Drinking is an insular thing, particularly the way I drink anyway. I'm keeping myself cocooned. Nice and safe (if unhealthy) in here.

Boy can I relate to this!

What I mean is that I've started to examine how to get to the next stepping stone of personal development. I kind of know what is keeping me chained to the current stepping stone. The next leap seems impossible.

Do you think you could break down the leap into smaller steps that would make it seem more manageable?

I love that the swimming is helping so much!

 

[Emilyrose]

It seems like things have been going along where there isn't much change in your life for a while now, and I am wondering if planning in some changes would help you feel more engaged?

- I know you didn't mean it in a bad way but I winced a little bit at this remark, Marsia. Must be some truth in it I guess.

Marsia said what I would have said, but more eloquently.

- Double ouch Cate!
- Thanks Liza.

Sorry, I just feel a little bit sensitive at times and then everyone disagreed with my 'go somewhere and let out the rage' remark to Marsia on the other thread, so I'm licking my wounds a bit. I mean, I did lose 18 pounds last year, so... Anyway. Onwards.

I went for a swim this evening and I feel miles better about myself and about everything really. There were a few challenging moments in work today. I just felt really down for a period of time but I had a good meeting and it perked me up a bit. I definitely feel like I'm good at my job and that was reflected back at me today and that was a nice feeling.

I'm going home to my parents' house for dinner tomorrow night which should be nice. They are doing okay. Not fantastic but hanging in there. It will be nice to chat with them for a while.

I bumped into the lady I auditioned for a few months back today in the shopping centre at lunchtime. We had a great chat. I just wanted to thank her because she recommended me to someone else and I got a part in that one instead. So that was nice. I actually met her in the health shop and I went in there kind of hunting for some sort of magical cure for quitting smoking. So maybe the answer is to keep up the acting. Hmm. It hasn't worked so far and I did loads of shows last year, so... But anyway. The answer might be there somewhere.

Right, that's enough waffle. Bedtime. I should sleep well I think. I'm watching the Australian Open and it's so tempting to stay up late for the matches but ultimately not worth it. Was delighted for Emma Raducanu and Ajla Tomljanovic today. Watching some of the highlights is making me want to get back into regular play again! But the courts are frozen so it's not possible right now.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. You have taken it the wrong way. You're a smart cookie. We all look at things differently. You seem like someone who needs a challenge & excitement & I don't & to have something to look forward to, which I think we all do. I don't see our differences as a criticism. I think we all have more in common than not. I rarely feel angry. I'm unsure why I don't, but the idea of screaming is not me. Should I feel rage? I feel sad about the bad things that happen in the world but rarely rage.
I wish I liked watching tennis more than I do. I find the Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi so excruciatingly embarrassing.
Hope you enjoy dinner with your parents xo

 

[liza3]

Sorry, I just feel a little bit sensitive at times and then everyone disagreed with my 'go somewhere and let out the rage' remark to Marsia on the other thread, so I'm licking my wounds a bit. I mean, I did lose 18 pounds last year, so... Anyway. Onwards.

aw sending you a hug emily! I actually didn't disagree with the idea of letting out the rage-- i could have really used that in my younger years...i just don't have that energy nowadays! Too tired haha...I think just different times call for different therapies.

I am always impressed and amazed by your energy and admire your strength. I see you as very engaged with the world--with your work, your tennis, your acting, your social life...I get it that you are ready for a next step and I have a lot of belief in you to take it, if you want to.

I'm glad you will get some time in with your parents--enjoy!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. The dinner was nice.
- That's so nice of you to say Liza. It gave me a boost. Thank you.

I have a really bad headache now after a long day of travel with work. Turns out I don't like excitement too much anymore! But yeah, just a very long, draining, thankless kind of a day. They expect a lot from you where I work. I just don't feel up to it right now. I definitely feel like I will pass out early tonight though.

Last night, I was probably a bit anxious about the travel today, and I was just drifting off to sleep when suddenly it felt like I was under water and I couldn't breathe. I sort of woke up gasping for breath, it was really upsetting. So I didn't get enough rest last night at all, I kept waking up after that and thinking sad thoughts. My confidence is a bit low at the moment.

Still, I met a few nice people today. One man stood up on the seat in the train to retrieve my hat and another guy was all chat to me in the smoking shelter at the office. Maybe I do better with strangers at times.

I do find the world we're living in kind of troubling at the moment. Everyone was hooked on their phone or laptop on the train. That constant distraction is really beginning to get me down. There were a few brave soldiers reading. I was too. I guess some people would argue that that is exactly the same thing, it's just a more traditional medium. I don't know. There isn't a constant stimulating light flashing at you when you're reading a book though.

Anyway, I'm not in great form tonight, although I had a nice chat with my parents and that helped a bit. Anyway, time to catch up on some sleep. The thaw is meant to come tomorrow and I'm playing tennis at 8, so that should also help.

 

[Cate]

I would find it hard to cope with such cold Winters. Are the tennis courts inside? It's great that you can still get to play.

Last night, I was probably a bit anxious about the travel today, and I was just drifting off to sleep when suddenly it felt like I was under water and I couldn't breathe. I sort of woke up gasping for breath, it was really upsetting.

Have you ever been diagnosed with Asthma? If not, I would get that checked xo

 

[Marsia]

Oh, Em, I'm so sorry! I really don't think your life needs anything in particular. You go do plays, you write, play tennis, go out with friends a lot, read fun books, see cool shows, and travel. I was just thinking about how sometimes you feel like your career isn't where you'd like it, or you don't feel as fulfilled, so I wondered if you needed to have some big plans to look forward to. I really would not put you down by saying that your life is not exciting enough - mine is very tame and I like it that way right now. And I am also sorry about not responding well to your advice about letting off steam. I think my therapist expects me to be angry, and I just am not. I expected that I would be, too. I have no clue why not. I think I'm more horrified at what I married than anything. But I do appreciate your comments so much, and I really value what you have to say. You have a really big heart, and I love hearing your perspectives on things. I hope you can forgive me for not expressing myself well. Hugs!!! And also, wow, I didn't realize that you lost 18 whole pounds - that's phenomenal!!!!

I really hope you feel better and can catch up on your sleep. Hope your trip goes great, too!

 

[liza3]

I hope you recover well from your tough work day. It must be hard to feel under so much pressure.
I have had a few incidents of waking gasping for breath--terrible feeling! I don't know what cause mine--sometimes I wonder if it might be a panic attack...
Anyways, I hope you get some tennis in and feel better.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Cate. No, all outdoor, but the thaw came tonight. I have a cough so that probably explains why I can't breathe. Also, cigarettes.
- Aw, thanks Marsia. I know you didn't mean to get at me with your comment. I would love some big plans but I just can't seem to figure it out right now. Thank you though.
- Yeah, it's a bit taxing Liza, I'm not going to lie. I don't know if I'm able for it anymore.

I'll try and be a bit more positive in this post. I played tennis tonight and I played really, really well. Our opponents weren't great but I was serving well and I had some nice winners. I was also playing with a handsome guy around my age so that perked me up a bit. Lol. Married though, so don't get too excited. He gave me a high five at the end, it was nice. I might ask him to play a tournament with me during the summer.

We're doing a lot of year-on-year analysis at the moment in work so I thought I'd do something similiar today with my weight. This time last year, I weighed 196.9 pounds. My body fat was 45.6%. My BMI was 30, which put me in the obese range.

This morning, I weighed 181.1 pounds. My body fat was 42.3%. My BMI was 27.6, which puts me in the overweight category. So, a ways to go, but it really is cheering to see that progress. I am so bloody close to being back in the 170s! Which is so close to the 165 which would put me back into the healthy range.

I am really chuffed with my weigh-in this morning because I thought my food had started to spiral a bit again. Takeaways are a killer for me, it's like an instant 3 pounds put on overnight, but I must be doing better than I thought, because I've been stable enough for the last few weeks. I put on a t-shirt tonight for tennis that I normally have a bit of a gut in, and the gut wasn't there.

Now, I'm not exactly a picture of health, I'm still smoking and there's lots of improvements that need to be made to my diet but food definitely doesn't have the hold on me that it used to. Long may that continue because that really is progress. There's hope for me yet.