Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks LaMa.

Aw, thanks Sunflower. Ah, it was just... had to stay late at work, felt resentful and really tired. Nothing too bad I guess.

1. How did today go?
Today I just decided to get into better form, which worked for the most part. I still ended up buying loads of junk at the shop, a sure sign that something is up, but I know the fact that I didn't eat a proper dinner probably had a part to play in that.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Weighed in at 11 stone 8 1/2 pounds.

Didn't exercise today. Again, a contributing factor to the sugar binge.

Food started out okay, then spiralled.
- porridge, flaxseed, raspberries, milk
- 1 coffee and milk; 2 teas and milk
- 1 thyme tea, 1 chamomile tea
- drifter bar; ham wrap with cheese, coleslaw and lettuce
- salad of avocado, brie, celery, mushrooms, quinoa, peppers and tomatoes; 2 slices brown bread and butter
- 120g oreo mint bar
- half a tub of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough concoction
- 4 starbursts

Le sigh. Annoying, but that's the way the cookie dough crumbled today.

Cigarettes: 10 (-1; -2 overall)

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I should probably hear about that interview I did tomorrow. Hmm. Also meeting a friend for tapas tomorrow evening - very hard to have a good food day with that looming. But I hope I can avoid any extras during the day at the very least.
 
Fingers crossed for the interview results. Even if you decide you´d rather stay in your current job it´s still very pleasant to know you have a choice.
 
Thanks LaMa. I didn't hear anything today, I don't know if that is a good or bad sign. I had a dream last night about selling my soul to a corporation, so not sure if I even want to make the move.

The pluses:
1) More money
2) More men
3) More travel

The pluses for where I am now:
1) Small company (which I prefer overall)
2) Great hours and location
3) Different career path

Hard to know. The men/money/travel combo is enticing, but corporate culture and more working hours eating into my life outside of work are major factors.

Anyway, I don't have any decision to make yet, this is all make believe. Why can't I switch this stupid thing off?

I watched Anomalisa today, what a bizarre film. Quite good though.

Two more days till Friday. Have my run tomorrow, then cinema Friday and home Saturday night. Can't wait.
 
What I hear is that you can´t really lose, whichever way you go :) Maybe framing it that way might help a bit?
 
That's a great way to frame it, I like it! Thanks. :)

Went for my run tonight with the girls, it was great. Busy days in work but it's almost the weekend. I can do it.

Food has been really bad this week but I don't think I'll be drinking this weekend so I should be able to get organised and back on track.
 
I have a lot on my mind tonight. I watched To the Bone, the new anorexia film on Netflix starring Lily Collins, and it stirred up a heap of emotions in me. They describe anorexia as being 'mentally ill' and it just made me think about myself as mentally ill, and I don't know... I have a lot of demons. I have a lot of baggage. And I'm really sick of carrying them around with me all the time.

I know I have made so much progress. Maybe 4 years ago, I was at the lowest ebb of my life. I would say I was at about a 3 or a 4 every day. Nowadays, I'm at a 6, 7 on a good day, on a day of the running or some other adventure that I happen upon. But I don't want to feel like a 6. I want to be at 7-10 all the time. With the odd 4 thrown in, just to keep me appreciating the 7s and 8s and 9s and 10s.

I say I'm a 6, but I haven't shaken the beast that haunts me, that makes me feel like I'm not able to cope on my own, without my 'resources'. How I wish my resources were a flashlight, a packet of matches and a penknife, or whatever other useful utensils you find in 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books. No, my resources are a bar of chocolate, a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of wine. And you know what? That is not sustainable, that is not going to get me very far. I don't want to want those utensils anymore.

I'm an addict, plain and simple. I'm addicted to keeping myself down.

I saw a picture of myself from the run last night with my three female friends, we are all roughly the same age. And I looked exactly the same as them. Not too fat, not too thin, just - normal. It was kind of amazing to me that I look normal and I don't always feel normal. I feel very frustrated and angry a lot of the time. I am under huge strain in work to get things done on time, and because I am such a perfectionist, it takes me a while to do things, and then I'm pissed off because Monday is nearly here again and I'm going to be in a complete panic. I just realised today that I'm not coping with it, I'm not allowing things to happen and just going with them. I am kicking and screaming and giving myself heart palpitations, and it's so ridiculous.

People ask me where I want to go in life, what kind of job I want, do I want to find a man and have children, and it still all seems impossible to me because all I want is to feel well. And when I get there, and I am going to fucking get there, I think all of that stuff will happen naturally, because I will be who I want to be.

I'm getting more comfortable with myself, I'm getting more attuned to what's going on, but I don't understand why I couldn't have been feeling that I was growing up when I actually should have been growing up. I managed to hide away for so long.
 
Oh, Em. I have read your post at least 3 times now & have been trying to think what to say to you. You could be my younger self!
I think that you have a lot of self-awareness & you are getting more comfortable with yourself. You are still young & you are not hiding away anymore. Honey, I think you are doing really well. Really well! There are so many people that do not have that self-awareness. You are making changes & adjusting constantly. Keep telling yourself that you are getting better & better at life because you are. Learning to love yourself is so hard, but you should. You, just as you are, deserve to be loved. I still struggle with that but I'm getting better. We have to work on it constantly. Sending you lots and lots of love, xoxo Cate
 
Thank you so much for your lovely comments guys. It means a lot.

Today I had a lovely brunch with 3 very good friends of mine, they are all very funny and we had such a good laugh. I then went to do a bit of shopping and bought nice work trousers for 10 euro, which I was thrilled about. I'm heading back to my parents for the evening, going to have a Himalayan salt bath and put on a hair mask and completely unwind. I have all my gear with me to go to the gym in the morning.

I feel like I have a lot of friends both new and old at the moment, which is great. I am a bit worried about Monday but I'll try to put it out of my mind until then. Really happy to not be going out tonight and to start next week off fresh and fabulous. :)
 
Thanks guys.

Well, I cracked and spoke to the boss yesterday about how I'm feeling. I took the morning off because I was out on Sunday night and also because I just couldn't face it, so they're panicking now that I'm thinking of leaving. The good news is that they really want me to stay and they asked me to give them a chance to sort out my workload. I had one last horrible day of stress today because I was so behind, but I think it should be manageable from now on. I could do without the drama but the fact is that I was thinking of leaving. I'm going to give them a chance now and we'll see how it goes. My boss said I'm in the perfect place to develop in my career, so I'm going to trust in that and just relax a little. Work should be busy but in a way that you can have a little chat and not feel like you're wasting time that you need for all the stuff you have to do.

Food and all that have not been great, had a normal breakfast and lunch but dinner was chocolate and a cake. But when things calm down, hopefully this will also improve.

I'm feeling a bit upset at the moment, I also texted that guy from months ago asking if he wanted to meet up, losing the plot!! but I just felt really lonely and lost. He didn't even have my number saved anymore so I guess that was my answer to that. I am feeling a bit lonely though. I'd like to meet a guy who would never delete my number.
 
Oh, honey. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. That guy is out there somewhere & when he meets you, he will not delete your number! Big hugs xoxoxoxo
 
A guy who wouldn´t delete your number wouldn´t go non-contact for months either. Sorry you´re feeling sucky, hon. On the other hand: really happy to hear your boss is trying to make your work situation better! I think all the bad feelings may have had (at least something) to do with being exhausted, too and really hope that´ll pass soon.
 
Thanks Cate.

I agree LaMa, the pressure of the last few weeks has caught up on me and also too much drinking and not enough exercise.

I'm still feeling very much out of sorts. I can't really put my finger on it. I was feeling good all along. I guess I've just hit a slump. Don't they say crying and all that is a sign of growth? I hope so. I'm ready to move out of whatever stage this is.
 
Race challenge update:

Challenge #1: 5 miles/0:48:14/09:38.6/530 of 616/86th
Challenge #2: 3.1 miles/0:26:56/08:40.1/660 of 914/72nd
Challenge #3: 3.7 miles/0:33:32/08:59.7/273 of 313/87th
Challenge #4: 3.1 miles/0:28:18/09:06.4/244 of 345/71st
Challenge #5: 5 miles/0:46:39/09:19.6/477 of 558/85th
Challenge #6: 3.1 miles/0:26:38/08:34.3/289 of 374/77th
Challenge #7: 4 miles/0:36:07/09:01.6/191 of 284/67th
Challenge #8: 4 miles/0:36:33/09:08.3/195 of 233/84th
Challenge #9: 3.1 miles/0:27.06/08:43.4/283 of 446/63rd

Can't believe I had such a good position last night. My time didn't improve, but I track where I came in the race because it gives an indication of how difficult the course was. Really happy with that. Considering I haven't been in the best of spirits or doing a lot of training, the last few races have been okay. Really want to push on now and get a brilliant time in the 5-miler coming up next week.

My direct manager wants to meet with me tomorrow to give me an update. A little bit terrified but it should be okay. I felt sorry for the other woman on my team today. She's just not getting to grips with the job at all and I could tell that she was really stressed out today and a bit rattled. I know the feeling. I don't think she's put in the extra time and effort needed when you start a job to figure out how it all works. She's been leaning on me heavily, which would be fine if I had the time to help her. But she's in a higher position than me and yet I'm the one who has to get the data ready for her report. I do resent that a little bit, but then when she was so stressed today, I didn't mind helping her. It's a tricky one.

Nothing much else going on, I wish I had some time off to get my head together but it would be a bad idea and a waste at this point. I don't think there's much going on at the weekend so I will try to get my room tidied and just try to recuperate a little bit. I don't rely on the weekend in the same way I used to before. Lots of fun stuff can be done throughout the week (not alcohol, but everything else). It's good to realise that. I don't want to be wishing 5 days a week of my life away.

I'm thinking of getting back into acting in a big way in September. Such a great social outlet and I love it. I hope I can find a nice group to join and go for it.
 
Things went a bit mad after my last post. I ended up going out and meeting a guy that looked like something I dreamed up myself. He was so gorgeous. I don't really know anything about him other than that, haha.

I am so exhausted this morning, I've woken up way too early so I'm planning on drifting off again. I might go for lunch in town later. No wine last night and none tonight either, so I might actually get to Sunday feeling rested.

No exercise planned for today as I need rest but I have to go to the gym tomorrow. It's a double whammy of spinning and abs. If I have the potential to meet such handsome men as that guy from Thursday, I'd better get this body in order. :)
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm thinking of getting back into acting in a big way in September. Such a great social outlet and I love it. I hope I can find a nice group to join and go for it.
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Sounds like a great hobby if you´re so inclined!
Emilyrose said:
I ended up going out and meeting a guy that looked like something I dreamed up myself. He was so gorgeous. I don't really know anything about him other than that, haha.
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:D Nothing wrong with that ;)
 
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