Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Thanks Cate. I can be stubborn too, I just need to get stubborn about this!!
- Thanks Rob. He's a nice guy but I don't really feel the pull to ask him out, to be honest.
- Thanks Marsia! I think I am being slightly kinder to myself. I was talking to a friend about that tonight and I realised it was actually true. We're similar in those high expectations of ourselves.
- I am planning to Liza. It's kind of come to life in my head a bit more, even since writing about it here last night. I'm going to make it happen!
I took a photo of a painting in a restaurant tonight that reminded me of myself and Tom, which is so pathetic, but that is where I am right now. This is the level of insanity we're dealing with. I came home tonight and looked at the photo I had taken and I noticed that in the corner, the title of the painting was 'True Love.' Sigh.
There's so much stuff online dedicated to signs from the Universe and all this stuff, and I don't know if that's actually
true or is it just the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon in action. This whole year seems to have been sign after sign and I just can't seem to escape from seeing these 'signs', no matter what I do. As mentioned, I am now insane.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow evening when I can rest again and just feel good about not doing anything. I really want to do a deep clean of the house over Christmas though. Just clean out the fridge and pull out the oven and get everything looking nice. I prefer not having a super-clean housemate because they always get insane and start shouting at you eventually, but I would prefer if the upkeep of the house was to a higher standard in general. So that is something to look into over the Christmas.
I'm going to do a review of 2023 soon and then maybe put down my goals for 2024 because I think I will love reading back on all this in the years to come...
- Thanks Rob. He's a nice guy but I don't really feel the pull to ask him out, to be honest.
- Thanks Marsia! I think I am being slightly kinder to myself. I was talking to a friend about that tonight and I realised it was actually true. We're similar in those high expectations of ourselves.
- I am planning to Liza. It's kind of come to life in my head a bit more, even since writing about it here last night. I'm going to make it happen!
I took a photo of a painting in a restaurant tonight that reminded me of myself and Tom, which is so pathetic, but that is where I am right now. This is the level of insanity we're dealing with. I came home tonight and looked at the photo I had taken and I noticed that in the corner, the title of the painting was 'True Love.' Sigh.
There's so much stuff online dedicated to signs from the Universe and all this stuff, and I don't know if that's actually
true or is it just the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon in action. This whole year seems to have been sign after sign and I just can't seem to escape from seeing these 'signs', no matter what I do. As mentioned, I am now insane.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow evening when I can rest again and just feel good about not doing anything. I really want to do a deep clean of the house over Christmas though. Just clean out the fridge and pull out the oven and get everything looking nice. I prefer not having a super-clean housemate because they always get insane and start shouting at you eventually, but I would prefer if the upkeep of the house was to a higher standard in general. So that is something to look into over the Christmas.
I'm going to do a review of 2023 soon and then maybe put down my goals for 2024 because I think I will love reading back on all this in the years to come...
A deep clean of the house sounds lovely. Do you just have the one housemate? I know you mentioned one fellow recently moving in--how is that working out? Do you two get along?
lol that made me laugh! Very true!
I love that idea--that would be fun to look back on over the years! Maybe I should try doing that. i've never been into doing on-going journals but a little summary sounds good.
Cate
Long term member
I hope you can, Em
A deep clean of the house does sound like a rewarding project. Does your housemate like cooking? Would it be weird to cook a meal to have together as a Christmas treat or is that overstepping boundaries?
A review of 2023 & a plan for 2024 sounds like a good idea. I don't like looking back much, but might try that too this year.
- Haha, glad I made you giggle Liza. I have two, a guy and a girl. They're both really easy-going and nice to chat to.
- Hi Cate. I don't actually know when they are around. I might get them something small for Christmas but I kind of like doing my own thing when it comes to food.
I went to float therapy tonight after what has been a very difficult week in work. I feel absolutely amazing after it. The last time I was there was April, 251 days ago as I was informed by the guy working in reception. I really couldn't believe it's been that long. The year has really gone so quickly.
Anyway, when I was floating in the pod, I was thinking that this could be like a baptism thing, and herald the beginning of the end of my smoking habit. I am desperate for Tom to contact me but while I was in there listening to my breathing in the pitch dark, I decided that I would forego that if I could manage to quit smoking (for the time being). Quitting smoking is now the most important thing in my life.
I had my last cigarette at about 7 and the float wasn't on until half 9, so before I went, I was kind of panicking a bit and considering buying a pack after the float. But after the float, I had no desire to. I was going to wait until my official holidays to stop but I don't really think I need to smoke all weekend and I should be able to survive one day in work without smoking.
On a kind of similar thread, I started reading Matthew Perry's book Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing this evening. It's great so far, but of course, I completely understand what he's talking about and I have a lot of empathy for him, suffering from quite a few of my own big terrible things. I think it could be quite a therapeutic read. And I am thanking my lucky stars I have never got hooked on drugs at least. Drink and cigarettes and food is more than enough. But drugs just add another element of horror to the whole damn thing.
Anyway, that's it for now, tennis tomorrow at 12 and not too much else really. Just going to kick back with Matthew I'd say. Should be a pleasant day.
- Hi Cate. I don't actually know when they are around. I might get them something small for Christmas but I kind of like doing my own thing when it comes to food.
I went to float therapy tonight after what has been a very difficult week in work. I feel absolutely amazing after it. The last time I was there was April, 251 days ago as I was informed by the guy working in reception. I really couldn't believe it's been that long. The year has really gone so quickly.
Anyway, when I was floating in the pod, I was thinking that this could be like a baptism thing, and herald the beginning of the end of my smoking habit. I am desperate for Tom to contact me but while I was in there listening to my breathing in the pitch dark, I decided that I would forego that if I could manage to quit smoking (for the time being). Quitting smoking is now the most important thing in my life.
I had my last cigarette at about 7 and the float wasn't on until half 9, so before I went, I was kind of panicking a bit and considering buying a pack after the float. But after the float, I had no desire to. I was going to wait until my official holidays to stop but I don't really think I need to smoke all weekend and I should be able to survive one day in work without smoking.
On a kind of similar thread, I started reading Matthew Perry's book Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing this evening. It's great so far, but of course, I completely understand what he's talking about and I have a lot of empathy for him, suffering from quite a few of my own big terrible things. I think it could be quite a therapeutic read. And I am thanking my lucky stars I have never got hooked on drugs at least. Drink and cigarettes and food is more than enough. But drugs just add another element of horror to the whole damn thing.
Anyway, that's it for now, tennis tomorrow at 12 and not too much else really. Just going to kick back with Matthew I'd say. Should be a pleasant day.
Cate
Long term member
I can understand that you would prefer to keep food separate & maybe keep to your boundaries. I just had the thought that it might be nice to just have a get-together with them just once for the season, maybe that could be at a pub nearby. Just an idea.
Oh, I do like this!
& this. Yay for tennis!
I am SO loving the Andre Agassi book. I read 200 pages today & will leave it until tomorrow. I have always been a fan of his, barracking for him against anyone, including any Aussies. What an insight. Thank you for the recommendation.
Oh that is so lovey about the Float therapy!
Yes I am always so thankful that I never got hooked on drugs too. That sounds so terrible and hard.
Lovely! Enjoy!
- Glad you are enjoying it Cate. My housemate Tim is new but my other housemate Aisling goes to all my shows and I go to hers so there is a connection there, I just don't discuss it too much here.
- Thanks Liza. You really should try it if there is one near you - I think you would love it.
I didn't kick back with Matthew in the end but went out and had drinks and stuff (which he would approve of) but I'm home early because I'm nearly out of money. It's been an expensive month.
I got loads of presents this week - 3 people in work gave me gifts and another friend gave me a novelty gift tonight, which was unexpected and really nice. I feel bad I didn't have anything for him or even buy him a drink as a thank you! Anyway, I'll see him Monday, I will remember to do that then! But yeah, I guess I must be doing something right.
I didn't stop smoking today but I went out, which makes it impossible. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Just for tomorrow, because I am going out on Monday, so that should be 'easy'. The anxiety this morning was overwhelming when I thought I couldn't smoke all day. What that means is that I'm sitting staring at myself in the mirror for 10 or 20 minutes or else just at the floor, wondering what to do with myself.
The Matthew Perry book is brilliant, I can relate too fucking much. I feel so sad for him though. He had such huge chunks of time where he couldn't function at all without something in his system. And nothing ever made him happy.
There's this part where he talks about how the thought that fame would make him happy and fill the void and it just didn't. Reading the book, it makes me think there's no point in wanting anything really, because nothing will ever make you happy in the way that you think it will. So you should be happy in the here and now with the things you do have. I do like that idea that you have everything you need and want right now because you are a god in your own right, and if you wanted anything else, you would make it appear before you, a bit like a genie in a lamp.
I do love that concept. This week, or the last month we'll say, I've wanted to feel APPRECIATED, and I've got all these presents of appreciation and that's really cool.
Next week, I want to feel DESIRED. Take note Universe.
Anyway, from the book, I've garnered that WANTING is fruitless and so the above request is a bit silly. But I do think wanting to overcome things is different and a worthwhile pursuit. So wanting to overcome being a slave to nicotine is definitely something that I want to do. Wanting to be adored and all these material things is not going to fill that void.
But overcoming something is just for me and will make me feel like a million dollars.
- Thanks Liza. You really should try it if there is one near you - I think you would love it.
I didn't kick back with Matthew in the end but went out and had drinks and stuff (which he would approve of) but I'm home early because I'm nearly out of money. It's been an expensive month.
I got loads of presents this week - 3 people in work gave me gifts and another friend gave me a novelty gift tonight, which was unexpected and really nice. I feel bad I didn't have anything for him or even buy him a drink as a thank you! Anyway, I'll see him Monday, I will remember to do that then! But yeah, I guess I must be doing something right.
I didn't stop smoking today but I went out, which makes it impossible. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Just for tomorrow, because I am going out on Monday, so that should be 'easy'. The anxiety this morning was overwhelming when I thought I couldn't smoke all day. What that means is that I'm sitting staring at myself in the mirror for 10 or 20 minutes or else just at the floor, wondering what to do with myself.
The Matthew Perry book is brilliant, I can relate too fucking much. I feel so sad for him though. He had such huge chunks of time where he couldn't function at all without something in his system. And nothing ever made him happy.
There's this part where he talks about how the thought that fame would make him happy and fill the void and it just didn't. Reading the book, it makes me think there's no point in wanting anything really, because nothing will ever make you happy in the way that you think it will. So you should be happy in the here and now with the things you do have. I do like that idea that you have everything you need and want right now because you are a god in your own right, and if you wanted anything else, you would make it appear before you, a bit like a genie in a lamp.
I do love that concept. This week, or the last month we'll say, I've wanted to feel APPRECIATED, and I've got all these presents of appreciation and that's really cool.
Next week, I want to feel DESIRED. Take note Universe.
Anyway, from the book, I've garnered that WANTING is fruitless and so the above request is a bit silly. But I do think wanting to overcome things is different and a worthwhile pursuit. So wanting to overcome being a slave to nicotine is definitely something that I want to do. Wanting to be adored and all these material things is not going to fill that void.
But overcoming something is just for me and will make me feel like a million dollars.
Cate
Long term member
I have finished it, Em & I loved it! It can be G's next book to read. He will love it too.
It's nice that you have that connection with Aisling. I'm glad
How lovely that you got presents
I really enjoy your writing.
I am so glad you are feeling loved and appreciated with the gifts received!
I like that idea too--i think that's where the gratitude practice comes in for me--It's not with the idea that better things will come my way, but rather that I have so much to be grateful for in the here and now...Like sometimes if I'm carrying a really heavy load of groceries home I start sort of inwardly moaning about the weight of it...then I switch that too--holy smokes am I ever grateful to have so many groceries to carry home--it means I am well fed!
I am so glad you are feeling loved and appreciated with the gifts received!
- Thanks Cate. Yes, getting presents is always nice!
- That's a wonderful way of looking at it Liza. Really clever. And thanks for the compliment!
Today has been a blah day which is entirely my own fault, as I have been so tired from all the drinking yesterday. I went to the shopping centre to get some lunch and I felt dizzy when I was walking around and thought I might collapse, so that is not cool! I'm okay again though, I just completely overdid it. We're meant to be going for drinks tomorrow night but I think I will give it a skip. I want to wake up on my first day of holidays feeling fresh and motivated!
I have a list of stuff a mile long to do - none of it 'fun' really, but they are all things that will make me feel better in general. I can't wait to deep clean my room, wash my clothes, maybe even throw out stuff because I've had a lot of clothes for ages and I don't have room for all of them, so I might put some in a bag and donate to the charity bins or something. I just want to make the place neat and organised again. It's also nice that I don't have to 'rush' to do this job. I normally set a timer for 30 minutes and I can stop after 30. But once you start, you often want to keep going, in my experience.
I'm also playing 3 hours of tennis on Tuesday so I'm very much back in the swing of things there! I played for an hour yesterday and went for a little run afterwards and I really enjoyed it, even though I lost. So it will be really nice to have loads of time for tennis again for the next few weeks.
Tomorrow is my last day in the office for 2023 and I am so relieved. It shouldn't be too bad a day, I hope to get through my tasks quickly and efficiently and leave on time. I got a lot of recovery sleep in today so I should be okay again tomorrow. Anyway, today will definitely be a better day than yesterday because I won't be hungover, so that's a positive note to end on!
- That's a wonderful way of looking at it Liza. Really clever. And thanks for the compliment!
Today has been a blah day which is entirely my own fault, as I have been so tired from all the drinking yesterday. I went to the shopping centre to get some lunch and I felt dizzy when I was walking around and thought I might collapse, so that is not cool! I'm okay again though, I just completely overdid it. We're meant to be going for drinks tomorrow night but I think I will give it a skip. I want to wake up on my first day of holidays feeling fresh and motivated!
I have a list of stuff a mile long to do - none of it 'fun' really, but they are all things that will make me feel better in general. I can't wait to deep clean my room, wash my clothes, maybe even throw out stuff because I've had a lot of clothes for ages and I don't have room for all of them, so I might put some in a bag and donate to the charity bins or something. I just want to make the place neat and organised again. It's also nice that I don't have to 'rush' to do this job. I normally set a timer for 30 minutes and I can stop after 30. But once you start, you often want to keep going, in my experience.
I'm also playing 3 hours of tennis on Tuesday so I'm very much back in the swing of things there!
I played for an hour yesterday and went for a little run afterwards and I really enjoyed it, even though I lost. So it will be really nice to have loads of time for tennis again for the next few weeks. Tomorrow is my last day in the office for 2023 and I am so relieved. It shouldn't be too bad a day, I hope to get through my tasks quickly and efficiently and leave on time. I got a lot of recovery sleep in today so I should be okay again tomorrow. Anyway, today will definitely be a better day than yesterday because I won't be hungover, so that's a positive note to end on!
That sounds so good! I love having nice cleared out spaces. And yes so true about wanting to keep going once you begin.
Oh wow good for you! So nice that you're getting back into tennis again!'m also playing 3 hours of tennis on Tuesday so I'm very much back in the swing of things there!
I like Carl Jung's interpretation that addiction is a subverted spiritual urge, and that being in touch with one's higher consciousness cures addictive urges. I do feel this is true. When I get a good meditation practice going and am feeling more nurturing toward myself, the urge to eat too much is way less. Really glad to hear you are being kinder to yourself and getting presents and nice outings with friends! I hope you can leisurely get your house really nice so it'll be a relaxing space for you, and that you get lots of pampering in during your break!!
- Thanks Cate. Yes, I really need a cleansing of everything at this stage, including my soul.
- Thanks Liza. Yep, the tennis will be good for me.
- Aw, thank you so much Marsia, you really are very kind.
I'm on my first day of holidays tomorrow and I'm already thinking up strategies of how to never return.
Genuinely.
I've been miserable in working life for the last 16 years. Genuinely miserable. I hate being in an office. My first 3 months working in an office, I gained about 20 pounds. My mother thought I was pregnant when I came home for Christmas. That is a true story.
I had a really wonderful evening tonight, surrounded by really cool, interesting, creative people. We've had a great year. There were faces old and new there, it was really cool, and I feel like I've contributed to something in the world through this group. I mean, I'll never be a saint but I think I'm part of something important and worthwhile. So, let's just sit with that for a minute.
When I contemplate never going back to the office again, I feel amazing. Now, the reality would mean I would have to move home immediately, I would have no money whatsoever, and God knows what I would do next. My parents, while horrified, would probably get over it eventually. I don't know, I've just typed in that it's not a viable option, but like, maybe it's the only option I have to be healthy. I don't know. I can just tell people I had a mental breakdown and they might leave me alone about it.
I said today that I am going to quit smoking tomorrow, I said I would definitely quit smoking if x happened. X happened more or less, so I have absolutely no excuse. But quitting smoking means facing up to all of the above. Because it's a dampener on how I really feel about life. About my life. My friend talked about smoking in these terms - 'If that's what gets you through the day...' And it is getting me through the day. But I don't want to need to get through the day. I want to enjoy my days. And I just don't.
Anyway, there's some stuff to contemplate over the break. Bah humbug. x
- Thanks Liza. Yep, the tennis will be good for me.
- Aw, thank you so much Marsia, you really are very kind.
I'm on my first day of holidays tomorrow and I'm already thinking up strategies of how to never return.
Genuinely.
I've been miserable in working life for the last 16 years. Genuinely miserable. I hate being in an office. My first 3 months working in an office, I gained about 20 pounds. My mother thought I was pregnant when I came home for Christmas. That is a true story.
I had a really wonderful evening tonight, surrounded by really cool, interesting, creative people. We've had a great year. There were faces old and new there, it was really cool, and I feel like I've contributed to something in the world through this group. I mean, I'll never be a saint but I think I'm part of something important and worthwhile. So, let's just sit with that for a minute.
When I contemplate never going back to the office again, I feel amazing. Now, the reality would mean I would have to move home immediately, I would have no money whatsoever, and God knows what I would do next. My parents, while horrified, would probably get over it eventually. I don't know, I've just typed in that it's not a viable option, but like, maybe it's the only option I have to be healthy. I don't know. I can just tell people I had a mental breakdown and they might leave me alone about it.
I said today that I am going to quit smoking tomorrow, I said I would definitely quit smoking if x happened. X happened more or less, so I have absolutely no excuse. But quitting smoking means facing up to all of the above. Because it's a dampener on how I really feel about life. About my life. My friend talked about smoking in these terms - 'If that's what gets you through the day...' And it is getting me through the day. But I don't want to need to get through the day. I want to enjoy my days. And I just don't.
Anyway, there's some stuff to contemplate over the break. Bah humbug. x
Sorry to hear you're feeling down Emily. I really hope a good solution presents itself.
That is super positive and wonderful that you feel a part of something that has really contributed to making some good in this world!
- Thanks for the very strange video and the two hugs Cate. x
- Thanks Liza. Yes, at least one paragraph was hopeful!
I was a bit drunk posting that last night (or in the early hours of the morning, to be precise) but I guess it was something I was chatting about on the night out and it was at the forefront of my mind. I've decided not to do anything and just enjoy my 14 days off, and worry about work when I'm back. But, you know, hopefully an exciting opportunity will present itself. I'm not going to waste any more of my hols focused on it though. This is rest and recovery time.
So, the good news is that I didn't smoke today! Yay. I had a few moments of doubt, I nearly broke down in tears in the Tesco car park, but I kind of just kept telling myself that this is the best opportunity I have to give them up and that if I smoke today, I'm more or less committing to another year of smoking. Today was probably a bit easier because I let myself eat whatever I wanted (not good food) and I was hungover and tired. It's when I really feel good that I just love smoking! Figure that one out!
But anyway. I did one day. And tomorrow I will do another one day. And so on. Nights out will be tricky, but I haven't decided about those yet.
So, today was my first day not smoking in ages and so many good things happened. The plumber came so we have our heating back. I got paid today, 3 days early, and I have never needed it more. I was going to have to borrow money from my mother for the dentist on Thursday but now I don't need to do any of that. What else? A friend who's home for Christmas texted and asked me to meet her and another girl on Saturday.
Imagine if I gave up smoking for a year? I'd probably become President of Ireland.
Anyway, despite the odd craving and the tiredness, it was a good enough day 1 of the Christmas season.
- Thanks Liza. Yes, at least one paragraph was hopeful!
I was a bit drunk posting that last night (or in the early hours of the morning, to be precise) but I guess it was something I was chatting about on the night out and it was at the forefront of my mind. I've decided not to do anything and just enjoy my 14 days off, and worry about work when I'm back. But, you know, hopefully an exciting opportunity will present itself. I'm not going to waste any more of my hols focused on it though. This is rest and recovery time.
So, the good news is that I didn't smoke today! Yay. I had a few moments of doubt, I nearly broke down in tears in the Tesco car park, but I kind of just kept telling myself that this is the best opportunity I have to give them up and that if I smoke today, I'm more or less committing to another year of smoking. Today was probably a bit easier because I let myself eat whatever I wanted (not good food) and I was hungover and tired. It's when I really feel good that I just love smoking! Figure that one out!
But anyway. I did one day. And tomorrow I will do another one day. And so on. Nights out will be tricky, but I haven't decided about those yet.
So, today was my first day not smoking in ages and so many good things happened. The plumber came so we have our heating back. I got paid today, 3 days early, and I have never needed it more. I was going to have to borrow money from my mother for the dentist on Thursday but now I don't need to do any of that. What else? A friend who's home for Christmas texted and asked me to meet her and another girl on Saturday.
Imagine if I gave up smoking for a year? I'd probably become President of Ireland.
Anyway, despite the odd craving and the tiredness, it was a good enough day 1 of the Christmas season.
Nice job of Day 1 of not smoking. Every day that you can manage that will prove to yourself that you can indeed resist those urges!
Anyways nice to hear you sounding more positive today
I used to enjoy a cigarette after a run! So terrible and so funny!
Anyways nice to hear you sounding more positive today