Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thanks Cate. I've had a few good things happen this week so maybe the gratitude really works.
- I'm not really that fit Liza but I'm better than I look I think!

I was going to start out on a moan but let's start with the 3 things I am grateful for instead:
- Great meeting in work today.
- Fun chats with the girls in the office.
- I put on a wash and I will have a new winter jumper to wear, once it dries. :)

So yeah, why was I going to start out on a moan? Not sure. I think my default position is the negative, which is really annoying. I don't want my default position to be perky or 'false positive', which I think is just as damaging as being outright belligerent. It's kind of finding the balance between giving into negative emotions and letting them colour your whole day in grey, but also being honest with yourself.

I have a goal for next year that has come to light in the last few days. It's not a longterm goal, it's very much a short term goal, but it's something to think about and strive for all the same. I was sent a video of myself yesterday and it's kind of sent me spiralling a little bit. I just looked so... frumpy. :( That's the best way I can describe it. And I don't like being frumpy or feeling frumpy. Who wants to feel like a frump? So that was kind of a blow to the ego, I have to say. But, you know, at least my face looked okay. There's still hope there!

Anyway, I guess I'm motivated to keep this weight loss train a-tootin'. From looking at the video, I probably need to lose another 20 pounds to look slim. 40 to look really, really fit. But 20 is a start and 20 is what I am aiming for. And, you know, it's so much better starting at 180ish as opposed to 200ish. So, when all is said and done, 2023 has been a success for me in terms of weight loss. And in lots of ways, to be honest. But I'm still alone, and that is really what is keeping me in a sad, despondent kind of frame of mind.

And, you know, being in a relationship with someone brings a whole new array of troubles at times, they're just different ones. When things are bad, they're a lot worse. But I'm sick of doing the journey alone. I want someone to help me carry the bag of rocks! Take the load off a little bit. So yeah. I haven't figured out my next move with regards to that yet.

I read something recently and the person said, 'Never start a new relationship when you're in terrible shape.' I'm not in terrible shape, but what I've always wanted is to be in terrific shape. And that's going to take more time, which is more alone time, and it seems like I'm between a rock and a hard place in some ways. Anyway. At least I started out the post with the gratitude. ;) Lol.
 
I know what you mean about leaning more towards the pessimistic rather than the optimistic. I think the gratitude thing is wonderful for people like us who want to end up realists who don't get sucked into seeing the dark side of things disproportionately. I am about 10 pounds heavier than you, and am also hoping to not feel so frumpy soon. I think yoga is so good for that, and hope to ease my way into being more toned and less chubby.

I don't really know if someone can help carry our bags of rocks, but maybe we'll find people who love us despite them, which does help for lightening the load, I think. Still, I have my daughter and you have your parents, which I do think is amazing to have people in one's life who really love us for us!! So many people don't have that.

Great to hear your show went really well and that you are catching up on sleep and getting some down time in. You really deserve it!
 
Nice practice of beginning with gratitudes!
I never like to see videos of myself and try to avoid them as much as possible haha
 
On balance I think your post was pretty positive, as well as being honest and open.

I am sure you look fine at your current weight. Losing a few pounds might make you healthier and feel better though, so doing it is the right thing to do. You lost 20 lbs or so this year, do something similar next and you'll be there.
Emilyrose said:
I read something recently and the person said, 'Never start a new relationship when you're in terrible shape.' I'm not in terrible shape, but what I've always wanted is to be in terrific shape.
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If that was about physical fitness I am not sure how good the advice is. If it's about your mental state, then it would make more sense. Lots of unfit people are in healthy happy relationships, feeling good about yourself is what matters.

I've seen progress in your outlook, as well as your weight this year, I'm sure the next will be even better.
 
- You're right, we are lucky to have people in our lives who really love us Marsia.
- Haha, I'm always curious Liza!
- I think my problem Rob is that I want to be 'perfect' and that means being at the perfect weight. I'm finding it very hard to let go of that.
- Oh God, I don't know Cate. Perhaps. It's been an interesting year, that's for sure.

3 things I am grateful for today:
1. I listened to a colleague who was having a bad day today and I gave her some advice and I think helped to cheer her up.
2. I played tennis with William tonight and a few more faves and I really enjoyed it.
3. I rediscovered the Cat Stevens Tea for the Tillerman album. So good.

Yeah, struggling a bit with the gratitude today as work was really tough and I have a pain in my tooth. I'm not sure if I've just burned my mouth with my lunch the other day or if something more sinister is afoot. My gums are really enflamed. :( I'm hoping it just goes away.

I haven't been eating well this week but my weight is around the same and I've dropped another tiny bit in body fat, so it's still going okay. I need to watch it though because I don't want it to creep back up again. I've been eating a lot of figs this week - such a lovely fruit! Great for the hair, and mine really needs a boost.

I have a really fun day ahead tomorrow so that's another thing to be grateful for. I'm going to lounge in bed for as long as I can, then get showered, dressed, put on a bit of make-up and try to make my hair presentable, clean out the car and get motoring. I'm sleeping a lot better this week because all the stress of the shows has seeped out of my body. I was so stressed! It's amazing to be that stressed and not even register it really. So it's great to be a bit calmer now. Even though I'm still sad. :(
 
Glad that at least the stress of the show is over and that you have a fun day planned...but yeah sorry to hear you're still feeling sad. I think it's great you are keeping up with the gratitude practice even when it's not easy. I think that's when we really need it!
 
I really agree about not registering the stress until it's gone, and then, wow, is it evident. So glad you are sleeping better and doing so well with your eating. I agree with Liza - having a gratitude practice when things aren't going so well is so helpful for me, too. My Buddhist teacher talks a lot about how you can't change things which you don't first accept, and I think gratitude helps me be way more accepting of what is happening than I would otherwise. I love the Tea For the Tillerman album! Can you gargle with something to help your gums? My mouth has been a mess, too, and my teeth so sensitive. I hope yours get better fast!
 
- Thanks Liza. It's not easy right now, that's for sure!
- Thanks Cate. x
- Thanks Marsia. It's a lot better.

I'm feeling very low and quite despondent, unfortunately. I can't seem to get out of it. I've also lost the lead for my charger, so now i can't charge my phone, and the alarm on the digital clock in my room was broken the last time I checked, so I'm worried about waking up on time in the morning. I've checked the car twice, I can't see it there. :( I've found an old one but it's not working. It's really doing my head in now and I was already in bad form.

I'm in such despair that I actually couldn't sit at home anymore, so I went for a drive and did a 3k run before playing tennis for an hour with William. That didn't solve anything but it did feel good to move and stress my body out a bit. I really just have a sense of hopelessness. I'm absolutely dreading work tomorrow, I have so much to catch up on and a lot of tricky tasks have ended up on my desk, which I'm not too happy about either. I just have nothing left in the tank.

I don't know how I'm going to get out of this funk. I guess the Christmas break will help but I don't have that many things planned and I fear a lot of it might be spent in my room, lying in bed, depressed. Well, I'm going to try to get a good exercise routine going, but that only fills so many hours of the day.

This is the loneliest I've felt in a long long time. I guess the devastation of thinking things were getting better and then realising that nothing has changed has completely knocked my confidence and made me feel really unhappy. All the joy I felt in the first part of the year has slowly dissipated. I feel completely trapped now and I don't know how to overcome this feeling. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and keep up the running, because the exercise releases the pressure valve a little bit.

Pray that I find my charger!!
 
Wow, I really do hope you find your charger. Could you run over to your parents' and borrow an alarm clock and spare charger from them until you can purchase replacements? I hope you can see that things have changed within the last year for sure. You have become a stronger person and have strengthened so many internal resources. You can put a person who doesn't know themselves in paradise and they'll take it for granted, or you can put a strong person in difficult circumstances, and they'll have an appreciation for life along with acknowledging that things are also hard. I think all the exercise you've been doing is also so helpful. Though maybe it doesn't always lift up your mood immediately, the long term cumulative effect is nothing to sneeze at, and may give you the extra boost you need to have the time and energy to change things up in your life so you can try new things. It sucks being stuck in a rut, I am well aware (being in a holding pattern with this whole divorce thing) but while you are in your holding pattern, I think you have made very significant strides. Can you spend more time with your folks and with friends until the loneliness dies down? I hope you catch a break and that work goes well and that you do get out and get some really meaningful socializing in soon. Hugs!!!
 
So sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely and sad. :grouphug:This can be a hard time of year for a lot of people. I think you're right about the one day at a time approach and keeping up with the healthy stuff like running and tennis (and maybe some pool time?)
I hope you found that charger!
 
Oh, Em :grouphug:
Get yourself a portable charger for your phone. I have a Cygnett brand one that I use a lot & it's good for 5 charges. I try to keep it fully charged. It is so convenient!
Will your parents be away at Christmas or can you spend more time with them over the break?
 
- Thanks Marsia, that's a really lovely message. My housemate Tim saved the day and gave me his spare charger. I asked for help and I got it! :) So that's one problem solved at least.
- Thanks Liza. I'll get back to the pool next week, just won't get a chance to until I get my break.
- Thanks for the hug Cate. Sounds like you need one too. :grouphug: No, they'll be around and we have a family gathering at some stage that I'd forgotten about, so it won't be as awful a picture as I painted yesterday.

Today, I realised that the root cause of the problem is that I am completely exhausted. I've been thinking that needing so much sleep is kind of a depression thing, and maybe a little bit of it is, but I actually think I'm just completely burnt out. It's been a very busy year but it's also been emotionally exhausting, and my body is just done and is in full-time recovery mode. Which, I suppose, is a good thing. I just need to get through these next few days and I can go into full-time hibernation mode before Christmas.

I had a good sleep yesterday after the run and tennis, I did not want to get up this morning, but I made it into work and it was all fine. I did a little bit of shopping after work which seems to really take it out of me. I also ate a horrible processed meal there for my 'dinner', which I really regret now because it's made me bloated and sick. I came home and collapsed into bed again for an hour, went to sleep and everything! I can sleep any time day or night now!

But yeah, I do think I am just trying to catch up on all the missed sleep throughout the year, caused by the shows or work or my crazed obsessions, and I guess I am healing. Next week is going to be tough because I'm giving up smoking - it has to be done while I'm off. There's no point waiting until the 1st of January because I'm back to work on the 2nd and it will be impossible. But I'm off next week and this is the two-week window I've been waiting for. The plan is to either sleep or run, swim, yoga, gym or tennis away the cravings. It will be hell but I can't put it off for another year. Maybe that's why I'm so tired now also, knowing that epic battle is about to take place...
 
You were right, Em. I did need that hug, thank you xo
You have had a very emotionally exhausting year. No wonder you feel like sleeping all of the time. I'm glad that work was better than you thought it would be. I dislike shopping & find it more tiring than anything.
Do you think it's possible to change your mindset about how hard giving up smoking will be? Our brains are so strong & I think can be switched around. I think you would have so much more energy & feel so much better for giving them up. I may have been lucky (or can be very pig-headed & stubborn) but when I decided to give up smoking I just did & went cold turkey & I didn't find it difficult. Something got switched in my brain.
When does your break start?
 
Being exhausted and burnt out is hard. I hope you can get a lot of rest and recovery time in and enjoy your time off with family and friends.
Best of luck with quitting smoking!
 
- Hi Cate. I don't know what method to apply. If I go in thinking it will be easy and then it turns out not to be, I might give up faster. I have another few days to mull it over I guess. My break starts next Tuesday. It feels like it will never get here.
- Thanks Liza. I feel like you've been saying that to me all year. ;) I don't want to make you have to say it again, tee hee.

I'm feeling a little bit better. All the sleep and no alcohol is starting to work its magic. I'm still getting triggered by all these Christmas songs (so many of them are actually maudlin, or maybe it's just the ones I gravitate towards) but I feel better within myself, which is good. Also, some man was eyeballing me in the supermarket so I must be looking a bit better too. Actually, there is a guy my age who works in the shop near where I work, I saw him out one night and asked him for a lighter, which seemed to spark some interest in him, as he's been really friendly and smiling and sometimes winking at me since, hahaha. Anyway, today he plucked up the courage to ask me when I was finishing up for Christmas, which was nice. He's on a dating app I'm on, so I could easily reach out to him, but I don't know... Maybe I just love the misery. Hahaha. Still, it was a nice little confidence booster.

I'm thinking of writing a little ten minute play for a competition next year. I kind of have the idea half-formed. It's a romantic scene and the last time I wrote a ten minute scene (also a romantic scene), to force myself to get the thing done, I paid money in an internet cafe in town so that I wouldn't be able to leave until the time was up. And when I did that before, this handsome dude came in and asked me out. He turned out to be a crazed anti-vaxxer and it didn't work out, but still. Maybe I should test if lightning really does strike twice. Might be something to do in the New Year as an experiment.

Work was manic today, came home late, managed to cobble together some kind of dinner of a fish pie with some stir-fried veg. Not amazing stuff but I guess it wasn't too bad. I also made my lunch for tomorrow and put on a sheet mask for 15 minutes. So I'm giving myself some self-love.

Last night, my mantra before I went to sleep was, 'I am worthy of real love.' I'm going to keep saying it until I get it.
 
Emilyrose said:
- Hi Cate. I don't know what method to apply. If I go in thinking it will be easy and then it turns out not to be, I might give up faster. I have another few days to mull it over I guess.
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I don't think that I thought it would be easy. I just told myself that I was done no matter what. Did I say I could be very stubborn? You can do it, Em!

Emilyrose said:
Actually, there is a guy my age who works in the shop near where I work, I saw him out one night and asked him for a lighter, which seemed to spark some interest in him, as he's been really friendly and smiling and sometimes winking at me since, hahaha. Anyway, today he plucked up the courage to ask me when I was finishing up for Christmas, which was nice. He's on a dating app I'm on, so I could easily reach out to him, but I don't know... Maybe I just love the misery. Hahaha. Still, it was a nice little confidence booster.
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Do it, Em! Stop loving that misery.
Emilyrose said:
I'm thinking of writing a little ten minute play for a competition next year. I kind of have the idea half-formed. It's a romantic scene and the last time I wrote a ten minute scene (also a romantic scene), to force myself to get the thing done, I paid money in an internet cafe in town so that I wouldn't be able to leave until the time was up. And when I did that before, this handsome dude came in and asked me out. He turned out to be a crazed anti-vaxxer and it didn't work out, but still. Maybe I should test if lightning really does strike twice. Might be something to do in the New Year as an experiment.
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Do it, Em!
Emilyrose said:
Work was manic today, came home late, managed to cobble together some kind of dinner of a fish pie with some stir-fried veg. Not amazing stuff but I guess it wasn't too bad. I also made my lunch for tomorrow and put on a sheet mask for 15 minutes. So I'm giving myself some self-love.
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Excellent!
Emilyrose said:
Last night, my mantra before I went to sleep was, 'I am worthy of real love.' I'm going to keep saying it until I get it.
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Great idea. You are worthy!
 
Emilyrose said:
- I think my problem Rob is that I want to be 'perfect' and that means being at the perfect weight. I'm finding it very hard to let go of that.
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I certainly understand that feeling, had it many times myself, however it really is quite irrational. I am sure you are just fine now, losing a few pounds might be good, but you are pretty good right now.
Emilyrose said:
some man was eyeballing me in the supermarket so I must be looking a bit better too.
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I am sure that happens more than you realize.
Emilyrose said:
there is a guy my age who works in the shop near where I work, I saw him out one night and asked him for a lighter, which seemed to spark some interest in him, as he's been really friendly and smiling and sometimes winking at me since, hahaha. Anyway, today he plucked up the courage to ask me when I was finishing up for Christmas, which was nice. He's on a dating app I'm on, so I could easily reach out to him, but I don't know... Maybe I just love the misery. Hahaha. Still, it was a nice little confidence booster.
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Ask him out, he will probably find it flattering. If he doesn't you'll know not to waste any more time on someone with such poor judgement!
Emilyrose said:
I'm thinking of writing a little ten minute play for a competition next year. I kind of have the idea half-formed. It's a romantic scene and the last time I wrote a ten minute scene (also a romantic scene), to force myself to get the thing done, I paid money in an internet cafe in town so that I wouldn't be able to leave until the time was up. And when I did that before, this handsome dude came in and asked me out. He turned out to be a crazed anti-vaxxer and it didn't work out, but still. Maybe I should test if lightning really does strike twice. Might be something to do in the New Year as an experiment.
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Sounds interesting, I hope you post some of it here.
Emilyrose said:
Last night, my mantra before I went to sleep was, 'I am worthy of real love.' I'm going to keep saying it until I get it.
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Of course you are, and I am sure you will!
 
So glad you'll get good R&R soon! I agree with Cate and Rob - you can do this! With your mantra where you are hoping to get real love from someone, for me that works way better if I also give that to myself first. It seems completely backwards, but usually I have to learn to give myself what I am asking for before it shows up in my life from an external source. So weird, but very true in my case anyway. I remember the crazed anti-vaxer from last year! So bizarre!! I do hope you write a new 10 minute play and see what comes of it!

With quitting something cold turkey, do carrot or stick type deals work well for you? When I need to get off sugar, I will make myself eat way below calories if I do turn to sugar that day, and so I end up associating eating sugar with feeling unfulfilled, but I allow myself to eat other fattening but better for me things if I do stay off sugar that day. I know nicotine is way harder to kick than sugar, but I hope that when you experiment you'll find your way that makes sense to you for getting off it.

With the guy on the dating app, if you don't want to ask him out on a date, you could ask in person to go out as friends for coffee or something more neutral like that. Or drop a hint that you are on the same app and see what he does? Anyway, I really see you practicing self acceptance a lot more recently, and it's great to see!! I hope you get a nice reset over your vacation and come back inspired for the new year!!!
 
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