Emily Rose: The Reboot

[alligatorob]

- Hi Cate. No trips planned, no one to go with. Oh woe is me.

Then go by yourself! Cate had some good suggestions. I have traveled alone many times, before getting married, for business, and recently because my wife doesn't like traveling. It can be enjoyable, I often try to visit a friend or relative along the way, that helps. And for a single lady like you it could lead to meeting someone you'd not otherwise meet. But it doesn't have to.

Thank God it's Friday!

How is your weekend going? Well I hope.

When I worked in Saudi we used to say TGIW, "Thank God it's Wednesday", their weekend was Thursday and Friday. Not sure the locals said that, just us heathens...

We did have a funny conversation before I went home about dating horror stories, which was highly entertaining, so that at least made me laugh a bit.

Make a good movie? Freddie returns on Tinder or the like?

In better health news, I don't have IBS

Good news!!

My appetite is back to normal, which is sad in a way, because it means I'm chomping down everything on my plate again, but also good, because it means I can start to rebuild my strength a bit and eat healthy foods again.

Rebuilding strength and eating healthy sounds like a plan.

I was chatting to Dad earlier and even though he's 73 years old, I genuinely think a part of him still believes in Santa. Lol. He was saying to me he was sure he heard him one year. So, you know what? I still believe in magic. I just have to.

I believe in Santa! In fact since having grandkids he is often me!

Here's to a good week!

 

[Marsia]

Oh, Em, I hope you can see the thing with Tom failing as you ultimately dodging a big nasty bullet. I wish I had seen that dating someone who really doesn't see me for me is not a good idea and I could have avoided the horrendous mess I am in now. I wish with all my heart that you do find someone who really gets you. You have a really good heart and you don't need to waste your energy on people who don't treasure you for you!

I'd have loved to be in on the dating horror stories conversation. I have some really funny doozies!

So glad your appetite is back and that you can start eating healthy again. I hope the play helps you to further strengthen your relationship with yourself. I think being around people who don't get us can really mess with how we feel about ourselves, and I hope you can find good grounding things to do to feel ok internally again.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I just really don't feel like going anywhere by myself, to be honest. I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
- Thanks Liza. Both my friends won but not me. Ah well!
- Freddie Returns on Tinder is great Rob. I might steal that one!
- Thanks Marsia.

I weighed in today at 181.1 pounds and 43% body fat. That's really positive.

I also went on a shopping trip and I managed to buy some nice work clothes and I look really well in them. The weight loss is really noticeable to me now. I have some friends who have been away for the month who I will see next weekend and I think they will definitely mention it to me. I'm really happy about that. I bought a cute pinafore dress as well which is a tiny bit too tight but I'm being optimistic.

Food today was fairly good - porridge with seeds and dried fruit for breakfast. A toasted chicken, coleslaw, tomato and cheese sandwich for lunch with crisps. Beef lasagne and broccoli for dinner. No snacks, except for a bottle of coke. No chocolate! No temptation to buy any. Long may this way of eating continue.

I have my lunch prepped for tomorrow (tuna salad) and I'm planning on getting up early enough in the morning to go for a run and have some porridge again. I went for a 3k run today.

I went for a nap after my shopping excursion in the afternoon and I got very low again and I did not want to get out of bed. But I had to, because I had a rehearsal, and I managed to snap out of that maudlin feeling. Rehearsal did not go well, and there were two people watching who have major beef with me, so it was a disaster.

I spoke to my mum after and she was saying, 'Focus on what you want to happen, not on what you don't want.'

So, for this evening/tomorrow:
- I want Tom to call me because I would really love to speak to him.
- I want to get up for my run tomorrow.
- I want work to go well tomorrow.
- I want the rehearsal to go well tomorrow.

That's enough wanting for the moment. If I got all 4 of those things, I'd be doing well.

 

[Cate]

Food sounds good, Em as does the weigh-in. Well done getting some nice work clothes xo

 

[liza3]

I weighed in today at 181.1 pounds and 43% body fat. That's really positive.

Nice!
That must be really nice to actually see the difference in yourself. Nice that you got yourself some new clothes that look and feel good!
Your food choices sound excellent too.

I spoke to my mum after and she was saying, 'Focus on what you want to happen, not on what you don't want.'

Sounds like some good advice!

 

[Marsia]

So great you are eating so well and losing weight!! It must feel wonderful having new work clothes you look really good in!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. It was such a relief to try things on that actually fit. They were size 14s and the jacket was actually loose! I was so pleasantly surprised. I still have a way to go but I look so much better in my clothes, I really do.
- Thanks Liza. She's a wise old owl, that wan. Haha.
- Thanks Marsia. It is definitely a plus in this time of woe.

I've been very good the last few days - I haven't been overeating or drinking and I've been in bed early 3 nights in a row, catching up on the zzzs. I have poured a generous glass of whiskey for myself now unfortunately, because I am cold, my brain won't switch off, and I'm a bit miserable again.

I was in work today and I was thinking to myself, 'Okay girl, the way your brain is wired is basically the opposite of going with the flow, you are always thinking about something, worrying about something, planning something or reminiscing about something on the better days. You are not just breathing and going about your day. You don't always need a plan or an agenda or a negative thought to occupy yourself for the day.' And maybe that's my problem? The present moment is just too boring when I'm in work? So I just have a full-blown drama going on in my head all day every day?

You know, I actually have loads of energy, particularly the last few days after really sleeping a lot, and I know I am just burning through so much of it because of all the stuff going on in my head every day. There's really just no need for it.

I met my parents tonight, my poor old dad is in agony with the hip, but not for much longer. They're so lovely. I met them tonight and I thought to myself, 'God, even though I spend all day in a shame spiral, I really am so lucky.' My mum also complimented my hair and said I was looking very well. Looks are important to her, so I felt that was a huge endorsement from her. I was saying that I don't know how because I've been going non-stop and she was saying I don't look tired at all. See: extra sleep time above. So yeah, I guess in this manic time, I have been taking care of myself. And now I'm on the whiskey again but not so much, and I'm working from home tomorrow and I have Friday off.

I got a lot of supportive messages today from people but the one person I wanted to hear from didn't make a peep. It's so sad. I was watching the below video today and crying a little bit at my desk. I'm in an awful state, the worst ever. And I keep dreaming about him. So no reprieve there either! I really am heartbroken. On a lighter note, I really want to go see Michael Ball in concert next year. I got paid today so I might just book it and figure out the flights and stuff with the next pay check. He's my absolute favourite.

 

[Cate]

Well done looking after yourself the last few days, Em. Catching up on sleep certainly would be a good thing. I'm glad you have a work-at-home day tomorrow & then a long weekend. Your parents sound lovely. Will you spend some time with them this weekend? I'm catching up with both of our sons this weekend & possibly two of our grandkids Sending you a hug if you would like one

 

[Marsia]

I felt like that at first with going with the flow - that it was boring and I needed to go back to what I habitually do (which in my case is worry and plan). But once you relax more, things get really pleasant because you sink into appreciation mode - like when you are feeling in love, the light from the sun looks more beautiful, you notice nice smells more, you look at other people and how they are each their own little interesting world, ... Not that I am any master (or even very good) at going with the flow, but I think the busy mind is really good at justifying itself, and the quiet mind is so quiet, it doesn't argue. It's just calm and peaceful and you don't notice its benefits until you are also calm and peaceful, if I am making any sense.

Do you know what's sending you into a shame spiral? Hugs, and I hope you can see all your value and not get sucked in to that sort of defeatist stuff. It's so hard when it's happening though! I also hope you don't torture yourself about the Tom stuff. It doesn't sound like a very stable relationship, so I hope you put your energy into more stable things. Is your dad's hip surgery soon? That must hurt like mad - I can't imagine. I've never heard Michael Ball before - amazing voice!

 

[liza3]

Nice job on the extra sleep and eating well- so important to feeling good
I can relate well to the always worrying about something--seems I do best when I'm out on my runs and I'm just fully in my body and all the joy just flowing... but yeah so easy for me to fall into worry mode at all the other times! It's a tough pattern to break!

 

[Emilyrose]

-They're away this weekend Cate. Dad is getting his new hip! They really are great. And I'd always love a hug.
- Michael Ball is one of my favourite singers on the planet Marsia and he's a lovely man also!
- Thanks Liza. Yes, it is tough.

Oh my God, I have never been so happy to be in my bed in my life! November has been one of the most rewarding, draining, emotional, busiest months I've had in a long time. Just pure chaos from start to finish. And it has ended on a good note.

I was watching some Oprah interviews yesterday and she was saying that her main thing every day is to practice gratitute. She wakes up every morning and the first thing she says is, 'Thank you.' She said that people say to her, 'Oh, but that's easy for you Oprah, you have everything!' And she said that she has everything because she's been practicing gratitude for years. I thought that was amazing. I wrote out my 3 good things yesterday and more good things happened today, so it really does work.

Right now, I am thankful for my warm and cosy bed and warm house, as it is Baltic out there! Brrrrrr.

I got the text I was waiting for today, early this morning, and I can tell you, it was like the sun breaking through the clouds. Such a relief. It was a really nice message as well. So I can stop crying every day at my desk now. Hahaha.

I also got good news about work next year - more money and manager on my title, so I am very happy with that too. I still might look elsewhere but it's a great start to 2024.

Right now, I feel as tired as I've ever felt in my life, but I am not drinking and I have tomorrow off, so I will be able to sleep a blissful slumber and hopefully wake up feeling revived and full of pep. I have no plans for the day - maybe a run, especially as the weather has been cold but dry, and that would perk me up even more.

Food today wasn't great - I got a fried cod and chips supper from the takeaway on my way home. I didn't eat that much of the chips but my body was crying out for the protein in the fish so I really need to cook something healthy for lunch/dinner tomorrow. I might do a little trip to the supermarket and pick up a few nice things.

That's it for now, I have finally moved off the edge of the cliff and back onto level ground. A new month tomorrow, the Christmas season begins and I plan on really enjoying it!

 

[Marsia]

I love gratitude practices. They are starting to study the effects of sustained gratitude practice on mental health and the brain, and it makes people less depressed and changes their brain patterns after only a month. It does sound like November was extremely busy and also dramatic ups and downs for you. I hope you get lots of rest and comforting things coming your way for December! So wonderful you got a raise and a promotion. Big congratulations!!

 

[liza3]

Oh nice one on the raise and promotion!!
And yes, absolutely on the gratitudes! Can really shift one's mind when you are caught in seeing the negatives for sure!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thank you so much Marsia.
- Yes Liza, I really think Oprah is onto something!

December 1st. It's very cold here today, which is lovely for 'tis the season. It was a beautiful day out there - sunshine, no clouds. Much preferable to all the rain we had for what felt like weeks in October/November.

I slept in as late as I could manage, then got up and went to the shopping centre. Treated myself to some face masks and makeup remover pads in Boots, then treated myself again with a carrot cake and americano in one of the cafes there. There was a nice buzz around the place. I went to the supermarket then and bought things like carrots and okra. Vegetables! I made a healthy beef stir-fry for dinner. I'll list out all the ingredients because I'm so proud of myself - beef, garlic, red onions, olive oil, mushrooms, okra, broccoli, carrots, brown rice with miso paste, plum sauce, fresh coriander and ground seaweed. So many nutrients! I felt awful immediately after eating it and had to go lie down, because my body couldn't understand what was happening, but I got up and had a shower then and was on a real energy kick for the rest of the evening.

I had a lovely evening, I met a few old friends and it was really nice. I really do have such lovely people in my life. I am grateful for that today. I am grateful for the nutritious meal I cooked for myself. I am grateful for my bed.

Tomorrow, I could really do with giving the house and my bedroom a clean but I'll have to see what the energy levels are like. More sleep needed, that's for sure! I have something on every day now until Monday and I'm back to the office on Tuesday, so I really need some quiet time after that. I'll have to try to organise some tennis for next week, I do miss it.

Anyway, life is good in general, so let's hope December stays positive!

 

[Cate]

December is off to a good start, Em xoxo

 

[Marsia]

It's lovely to hear you are doing so well getting out with friends and taking really good care of yourself. I think I'll copy you and do a gratitude practice, too. It really makes me happy when I remember to do that! Hope you get lots of good rest and relaxation in this weekend!!

 

[liza3]

I made a healthy beef stir-fry for dinner. I'll list out all the ingredients because I'm so proud of myself

haha I love that! Good for you making such a good healthy meal for yourself!
So good to hear you feeling so positive and happy again!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I think so.
- Thanks Marsia. I can finally sleep!
- I'm not sure how long it will last Liza but I'll take a reprieve from the bad days, that's for sure!

I had a good evening tonight. My show is finished, it went great. I am exhausted though, it's been chaotic. I've so much adrenaline now but I know I will feel so tired tomorrow. I was going to have some wine when I got home but I've settled for a cup of tea instead. I need to recover.

I did some yoga today for the first time since January 1st. I really enjoyed it and I haven't gone backwards too much, which is kind of a miracle really. I was well able to hold the planks and downward dogs and everything without too much trouble. What I love about yoga is that it's a complete reset of the nervous system. I really need to keep up a consistent practice. At least I made some inroads today! And I'm very pleased with my fitness in general. I've been moving around so much with all these plays that I have been doing, and supplementing that every so often with a swim or a run has really stood to me. My body, while not perfect, is in fairly good nick.

Tomorrow, I am not going to put myself under pressure to do ANYTHING. It's going to be a sloth-like day until mid-afternoon when I have a meet-up to attend. The tennis ladies are playing tomorrow but I am just too tired to go down and support them. I also might try to book some tennis for later in the week, although the courts are frozen at the moment, so I'll have to see how the weather is. There's a Christmas party at the club coming up as well but I think I'll give it a skip. I really need some rest and restoration in my life.

Another thing I have to consider is how I am going to tackle giving up smoking. I'm quitting on January 1st, I just cannot afford to smoke for another year of my life. But I have to start tapering off, otherwise it will be too difficult. So I have to come up with some kind of plan and quickly! Tick tock tick tock.

 

[Cate]

I hope you have a perfectly relaxing & restorative Sunday, Em. I might have a gratitude week. I like it! 3 things every day that I am grateful for.......

 

[liza3]

Nice to hear the show went great! And nice about the good yoga session. You do always sound nice and fit for sure...best of luck with the continued attempt to give up smoking!