I do imagine your life as a movie at times! That's great there is peace in your tennis group again and that they are acknowledging that they really hurt your feelings and are trying to make up for it. Do you think the issue with keeping Tom in your life has similarities to the drinking and smoking? I ask because I have kept in touch with my ex who I can't get over, and he extends a tiny bit of effort to keep me writing to him while he puts almost no effort in to writing back. I just decided to stop responding because I deserve a lot more respect than that. And I find that I have a similar thing where with food I don't think about what I really want long term, and I just let the little urges for instant gratification take over instead of thinking of how to support myself emotionally long term. I hope you can replace the thoughts about hating your body with something self soothing and caring. I am really working on not buying those self defeating negative thoughts. I want to stop reinforcing self punishment. I think it's a good question about why we are unkind to ourselves.
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Cate
Long term member
I loved hearing about your evening with your parents & that the women at tennis are being kind to you. I think you know that Tom is leaving you dangling on the end of the string. You must be good for his ego. I think you have this all worked out, Em. I know you're a smart cookie. I hope you get the new job & love it. I met G on the first day of my first "proper" job & started going out with him when he was leaving 8 months later. There is someone out there, Em who is right for you & only you xoxo
alligatorob
Respected Member
Thanks, now I know more about Ireland than I did before. So maybe culchie is kind of like redneck or cracker here? Being both never bothered me. Or maybe a gringo?- Rob, The Big Smoke is the culchie name for Dublin. (Culchie is the word we use here for country folk. Anyone not from Dublin is referred to as a culchie by the Dubs.I would not refer to myself as a culchie but I'm sure some of the Dublin people would, haha.)
Doesn't sound like the man for you... not close, you deserve better.
Cate is a wise woman, and he'll be a lucky man when you find him!
Good for you, hang on to that mojo girl!
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So good to hear that peace is back on the tennis courts--you don't want to lose that source of joy in your life!
And good for you applying for that job! It is funny isn't it when we put things off and then realize it's not as bad as we built it up to be. I hope you get the job, but any which way it's good you applied.
And good for you applying for that job! It is funny isn't it when we put things off and then realize it's not as bad as we built it up to be. I hope you get the job, but any which way it's good you applied.
- Oh, Tom is the human equivalent of a cigarette, Marsia! 
- Aw, thanks Cate. I think so too.
- Yeah, culchie would be kind of like a redneck I think Rob. I'll try to hang onto the mojo!
- Thanks Liza. Yeah, I would hope to get an interview at the very least and take it from there.
Today was a very mopey day. I didn't do much, had an afternoon nap, and read for most of the day. I got a few jobs in the house done at the same time, always good.
The book I'm reading is The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It's about a 35-year-old woman Nora who is wracked with regrets about the decisions she made or didn't make and has found herself at a low point in her life where she feels like nothing has worked out and nothing ever will. She visits the midnight library, where she gets to try out the parallel lives she could have lived if she'd made different, 'better' choices. But of course, the better choices don't always lead to perfect happiness. It's a fantastic philosophical read and has kind of come along at just the right time for me.
Food today was great, although my stomach is sick now because it was too healthy. Hahaha. Anyway, I don't have anywhere to be this evening, so it's fine. I had porridge for breakfast, swordfish with fried mushrooms, courgettes, onions and kidney beans for lunch and this chicken piccata thing for dinner with a salad. I also had a slice of banoffee pie and a coffee cos I'll never be a saint, hahaha. But I'm happy with my food choices today.
I ended up booking tickets for loads of things tonight, as a day at home once in a while is fine, but it also kind of bores me to tears. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and calling to a friend's in the evening to watch the rugby, so that should be fun, without going too wild.
- Aw, thanks Cate. I think so too.
- Yeah, culchie would be kind of like a redneck I think Rob. I'll try to hang onto the mojo!
- Thanks Liza. Yeah, I would hope to get an interview at the very least and take it from there.
Today was a very mopey day. I didn't do much, had an afternoon nap, and read for most of the day. I got a few jobs in the house done at the same time, always good.
The book I'm reading is The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It's about a 35-year-old woman Nora who is wracked with regrets about the decisions she made or didn't make and has found herself at a low point in her life where she feels like nothing has worked out and nothing ever will. She visits the midnight library, where she gets to try out the parallel lives she could have lived if she'd made different, 'better' choices. But of course, the better choices don't always lead to perfect happiness. It's a fantastic philosophical read and has kind of come along at just the right time for me.
Food today was great, although my stomach is sick now because it was too healthy. Hahaha. Anyway, I don't have anywhere to be this evening, so it's fine. I had porridge for breakfast, swordfish with fried mushrooms, courgettes, onions and kidney beans for lunch and this chicken piccata thing for dinner with a salad. I also had a slice of banoffee pie and a coffee cos I'll never be a saint, hahaha. But I'm happy with my food choices today.
I ended up booking tickets for loads of things tonight, as a day at home once in a while is fine, but it also kind of bores me to tears. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and calling to a friend's in the evening to watch the rugby, so that should be fun, without going too wild.
I have been thinking about instant gratification vs long term goals, and about how everyone (not as much me, but everyone else) on the forum is so good at their forms of exercise, but not as good with food and other substances (and you and I both have these men who don't treat us with as much respect as we deserve). Why is it so hard to take the discipline from exercising and apply it to food or to relationships? We see how much taking shortcut with exercise makes it so we aren't as strong or healthy, so we don't do that as often. But we do with food, relationships, or whatever. Well, why? I so want to be stronger, and I want to stop struggling with these basics and do something that is very rewarding. You are so talented, and I'd so like that for you, too. Sorry this is melodramatic. I am feeling very emotional lately!
The book looks really good, and your healthy food sounds so yummy! I hope your stomach calmed down and that you have a fantastic day!
The book looks really good, and your healthy food sounds so yummy! I hope your stomach calmed down and that you have a fantastic day!
Your food sounds great, as do the plans for watching rugby with a friend and getting your hair done!
For me it is that exercise brings me joy...whereas saying no to sweets makes me sad
alligatorob
Respected Member
Nothing wrong with a day of relaxing.
Sounds good, but do try not to be "too healthy", LOL
I hear y'all won!
alligatorob
Respected Member
A really good question, wish I had an answer. For years I didn't exercise in part because I thought I would not stick to it. Now I am pleasantly surprised to find that, for me, sticking to it isn't so hard. Much easier than eating right...
- I really enjoyed the book Cate, hope you do too.
- Thanks Marsia. Yes, the food and avoiding addictive substances is definitely more difficult to overcome than the exercise. I agree with Liza's take on it!
- Yes, we did Rob! Another big one tomorrow against New Zealand.
- Thanks Liza. I'm happy enough with the hair and watching the rugby with a group of friends was fun. I will watch with my parents tomorrow.
God, it's been a tough few days. Really awful. I've been sick from work with the stress. Basically, Wednesday night I got bad news, Thursday I felt terrible, logged in to work from home and then nearly started crying on a video chat with a colleague, so I just logged out again and called in sick. Then I had a really awful call with Tom, just the worst. He wouldn't answer my call, then basically refused to call me back, but he did eventually and it was just... turmoil. Anyway, the result was he said he'd call me that evening and he didn't, which I wasn't surprised at, so I went to bed at half 9 and felt absolutely terrible.
I woke up this morning and the grief I felt for the lost friendship was just so intense. I was just in so much pain. I'd also woken up in the middle of the night addled with the whole thing. But yes, the grief was the most potent thing I've felt in a long time. This morning, I closed my eyes and asked myself, 'Okay, what would you like to happen? How would you like this to be resolved?' and 10 minutes later, I saw that he'd texted me with a resolution. It was such a relief. We're not out of the woods yet, but there's hope there. I don't want to have a bad feeling between us, that just broke my heart. I haven't done anything to him really, it's kind of coming from him, and there's an element of it that I completely understand. But refusing to take my call really broke my heart. The carpet was pulled out from under me with that.
So, I'm still very emotional now, but I just want to see a positive resolution to this whole mess, because I think there's a reason we're in each other's lives. It's hard to explain really. But I do feel that. The way I talk about him on here, you probably don't think he's a good person for me to be around, but he's given me a new lease of life in a lot of ways. He's been an important person in my life this year. The most important person in some ways. He just gave me such a boost when life was a bit colourless. So many good times and laughs and fun. He was my biggest cheerleader when I needed one.
I had to go to the doctor today to get a sick note for work. The doctor was very nice so I decided to tell him about this pain near my pelvis at the moment that's really bothering me. I hadn't intended on getting that checked out, but when I was there, I thought I might as well. Anyway, he thinks it's probably just a torn muscle, which it could easily be, because I'm carrying too much weight in the middle, so it's probably taking its toll when I'm playing tennis or going for a run. Another incentive to lose weight!
I did go for a 5k run this week, the first time in a long time. It felt great. I'm definitely going to get back into running - you can't beat that runner's high! Particularly after I've had so much trauma the last few days and I'm feeling really out of sorts. I'm meeting a friend tomorrow afternoon for a hike, which should hopefully also help me.
On another positive note, I've been cooking my dinner most days this week - had beef stir-fry tonight. Bought the wrong kind of beef for it, so it wasn't that nice, but at least I'm getting a lot more veggies in, and I'm feeling the benefit.
I've been listening to this on a loop all evening, just love it.
Change is a thing you can count on...
- Thanks Marsia. Yes, the food and avoiding addictive substances is definitely more difficult to overcome than the exercise. I agree with Liza's take on it!
- Yes, we did Rob! Another big one tomorrow against New Zealand.
- Thanks Liza. I'm happy enough with the hair and watching the rugby with a group of friends was fun. I will watch with my parents tomorrow.
God, it's been a tough few days. Really awful. I've been sick from work with the stress. Basically, Wednesday night I got bad news, Thursday I felt terrible, logged in to work from home and then nearly started crying on a video chat with a colleague, so I just logged out again and called in sick. Then I had a really awful call with Tom, just the worst. He wouldn't answer my call, then basically refused to call me back, but he did eventually and it was just... turmoil. Anyway, the result was he said he'd call me that evening and he didn't, which I wasn't surprised at, so I went to bed at half 9 and felt absolutely terrible.
I woke up this morning and the grief I felt for the lost friendship was just so intense. I was just in so much pain. I'd also woken up in the middle of the night addled with the whole thing. But yes, the grief was the most potent thing I've felt in a long time. This morning, I closed my eyes and asked myself, 'Okay, what would you like to happen? How would you like this to be resolved?' and 10 minutes later, I saw that he'd texted me with a resolution. It was such a relief. We're not out of the woods yet, but there's hope there. I don't want to have a bad feeling between us, that just broke my heart. I haven't done anything to him really, it's kind of coming from him, and there's an element of it that I completely understand. But refusing to take my call really broke my heart. The carpet was pulled out from under me with that.
So, I'm still very emotional now, but I just want to see a positive resolution to this whole mess, because I think there's a reason we're in each other's lives. It's hard to explain really. But I do feel that. The way I talk about him on here, you probably don't think he's a good person for me to be around, but he's given me a new lease of life in a lot of ways. He's been an important person in my life this year. The most important person in some ways. He just gave me such a boost when life was a bit colourless. So many good times and laughs and fun. He was my biggest cheerleader when I needed one.
I had to go to the doctor today to get a sick note for work. The doctor was very nice so I decided to tell him about this pain near my pelvis at the moment that's really bothering me. I hadn't intended on getting that checked out, but when I was there, I thought I might as well. Anyway, he thinks it's probably just a torn muscle, which it could easily be, because I'm carrying too much weight in the middle, so it's probably taking its toll when I'm playing tennis or going for a run. Another incentive to lose weight!
I did go for a 5k run this week, the first time in a long time. It felt great. I'm definitely going to get back into running - you can't beat that runner's high! Particularly after I've had so much trauma the last few days and I'm feeling really out of sorts. I'm meeting a friend tomorrow afternoon for a hike, which should hopefully also help me.
On another positive note, I've been cooking my dinner most days this week - had beef stir-fry tonight. Bought the wrong kind of beef for it, so it wasn't that nice, but at least I'm getting a lot more veggies in, and I'm feeling the benefit.
I've been listening to this on a loop all evening, just love it.
Change is a thing you can count on...
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Sorry you are going through so much turmoil. I hope you can not project too much hope for the future onto the relationship and just take it one day at a time. It sounds like Tom is more aloof than you would like at times, and I hope you can get so you enjoy your own company a lot when he is not around, too. Did the doctor give you any instructions on the potentially torn muscle? I hope it heals up quickly. Great you can still run with it, and I hope you do get good runner's high from your runs! Yay for cooking hearty fall meals, regardless if the meat cooperates or not! I hope things calm down in your life and you can enjoy the lovely autumn and running and tennis! Hugs!!
Sorry to hear about all the sadness around Tom and the stress at work Emily. Sending you a big hug! 
I hope you and Tom find your way into a friendship that works for both and doesn't continue to add to more grief and broken-hearts.
Great to hear you went out for a good run--such a good stress relief. And so good to hear of plans for a hike with a friend--those are both my favorite therapies!
And thanks for the song--I listened last night and it led me into a lovely evening of listening to good music while getting a bunch of house-cleaning done!
I hope you and Tom find your way into a friendship that works for both and doesn't continue to add to more grief and broken-hearts.
Great to hear you went out for a good run--such a good stress relief. And so good to hear of plans for a hike with a friend--those are both my favorite therapies!
And thanks for the song--I listened last night and it led me into a lovely evening of listening to good music while getting a bunch of house-cleaning done!
- Thanks Marsia. I actually just bought the 'fancy' meat today for my stir-fry, couldn't face the misery of trying to chew the other one again today. 
- Thanks Liza. I just don't want to be on the outs with him, regardless of whether he's in my life or not. Yes, it's a beautiful song, glad you found some good tunes from it!
I've started to thaw out a bit but I'm still feeling very down. On the plus side, I really enjoyed the walk with my friend - it was probably the best meet-up we've ever had in terms of really connecting and sharing. So that was great and I got a nice coffee and sandwich with her afterwards.
I then retreated to the safety of the family home, which was badly needed. My dad had got a pizza and prosecco for us to have while the rugby match was on. So cute! I didn't have any prosecco, just wanted to wake up as fresh as possible this morning, but the pizza was nice. Ireland lost, it was devastating, but life doesn't always have a fairytale ending unfortunately! Still, the team did great and they should be very proud.
I stayed at home last night, so I got a little break from the cigarettes, woke up with all the tar in my mouth as the detox process had started. Bought more the minute I left - disaster. I'm just too stressed.
Another positive from the doctor is that my blood pressure is perfect - that was even after having a really devastating time the day before where every muscle was clenched and life had lost all meaning! So, you know, that just shows I'm a survivor and there is nothing physically wrong with me, which I really need to embrace and celebrate. I was actually fit enough on the walk - there were a few steep hills and I was well able for them. So it's all encouraging stuff.
I also cooked dinner again this evening - beef stir-fry again, so I'm exactly pushing the boat out with my meals - but getting into the habit of cooking every day is really what I'm trying to achieve, so not too worried about variety just yet.
- Thanks Liza. I just don't want to be on the outs with him, regardless of whether he's in my life or not. Yes, it's a beautiful song, glad you found some good tunes from it!
I've started to thaw out a bit but I'm still feeling very down. On the plus side, I really enjoyed the walk with my friend - it was probably the best meet-up we've ever had in terms of really connecting and sharing. So that was great and I got a nice coffee and sandwich with her afterwards.
I then retreated to the safety of the family home, which was badly needed. My dad had got a pizza and prosecco for us to have while the rugby match was on. So cute! I didn't have any prosecco, just wanted to wake up as fresh as possible this morning, but the pizza was nice. Ireland lost, it was devastating, but life doesn't always have a fairytale ending unfortunately! Still, the team did great and they should be very proud.
I stayed at home last night, so I got a little break from the cigarettes, woke up with all the tar in my mouth as the detox process had started. Bought more the minute I left - disaster. I'm just too stressed.
Another positive from the doctor is that my blood pressure is perfect - that was even after having a really devastating time the day before where every muscle was clenched and life had lost all meaning! So, you know, that just shows I'm a survivor and there is nothing physically wrong with me, which I really need to embrace and celebrate. I was actually fit enough on the walk - there were a few steep hills and I was well able for them. So it's all encouraging stuff.
I also cooked dinner again this evening - beef stir-fry again, so I'm exactly pushing the boat out with my meals - but getting into the habit of cooking every day is really what I'm trying to achieve, so not too worried about variety just yet.
I really love when you write about visiting your folks. It's so comforting and homey and welcoming sounding, it relaxes me to think of you happy there! And so lovely you had such a great time out with your friend. Have you had times in your life where you journal about your feelings? I am getting a therapeutic journaling book for K for English, where you can use the things you write in your journal to start fiction pieces or poems, etc. I am hoping that she can pour her emotions out on paper and that this will help her find her voice and feel more grounded.
So great your blood pressure is good and that you are making nice fresh meals for you. (I'm glad you're not wearing out your jaw on the tough meat, too - ugh!) I do the same where I make a lot extra and we eat it for left overs over the next few days. That makes total sense about Tom.
Have you had times in your life where you journal about your feelings? I am getting a therapeutic journaling book for K for English, where you can use the things you write in your journal to start fiction pieces or poems, etc. I am hoping that she can pour her emotions out on paper and that this will help her find her voice and feel more grounded. So great your blood pressure is good and that you are making nice fresh meals for you. (I'm glad you're not wearing out your jaw on the tough meat, too - ugh!) I do the same where I make a lot extra and we eat it for left overs over the next few days. That makes total sense about Tom.
Cate
Long term member
Liza said it for meSorry to hear about all the sadness around Tom and the stress at work Emily. Sending you a big hug!
I hope you and Tom find your way into a friendship that works for both and doesn't continue to add to more grief and broken-hearts.
- Thanks Marsia. This is my journal, as will be revealed below. Lol.
- Thanks Cate. x
- Yes, my relationship with my parents gets me through a lot of tough times Liza, that's for sure. They're really decent people. I chose well.
Are you there God? It's me, Emily.
I'm going to talk around what I really want to talk about, but as this diary is about me anyway, I guess keeping it vague and talking about how I react to certain situations, how they make me feel, and whether they fuel me into action or cause me to retreat into my hermit shell, is A-OK.
I've been thinking about how I am as a person a lot lately. I think when you have a situation with someone where you felt it was more or less solid, and all of a sudden, you notice that the path under your feet is a little less secure, there's a little bit of scree underfoot now, it causes you to look inward and in my case, imagine about 100 different scenarios as to what's happening, what they might be thinking, what people might be saying about you, and making yourself sick with worry one minute and jubilant the next.
So that's what's been going on with me. And then I started thinking about why this is. I'm not good with spontaneity - a lot of relationships are built on spontaneity and that's just not for me. I like things to be controlled. I like knowing where I stand. I don't know, I think meeting men on a night out is just something that stresses me out because there are so many variables and unknowns and it's all difficult for me to navigate. But this lack of spontaneity has made my life very stagnant.
Last night, I gave myself the mantra, 'Go with the flow' as I tried to drift off to sleep, because I've realised through all this trauma (and it is traumatic to me due to my personal history), I am clinging on so, so tightly, to everything!! and it's so damaging. It's really limiting me.
Now, it's easier to recognise something than to make changes but I do think recognising is important. It explains lack of control issues around food, cigarettes, booze, negative emotions... When you hold on so tightly all the time, you have to balance that out with a form of release in other ways.
On a practical level, it means I can't connect with people in the way I want to. I met Tom tonight. I'm so relieved that our last interaction on this earth wasn't a terse phone conversation. But I've gone bonkers and have veered into desperation territory. There is nothing less attractive. So it was a wake-up call for me to start trying to figure my shit out. I need to get my confidence back. And if he is around, and I love when he's around, I don't want to be a drooling idiot and I just want to get back to being my vibrant self. I'm giving myself a pass tonight because it was a bit of a shock. Lack of spontaneity, I told ya! He did make a funny quip about the tennis though that no one else would have got, so at least I know he pays attention some bit, haha.
On a different thread, I have been having a lot of despairing thoughts about death and the fear of dying lately - really sinister stuff, I mentioned it a few posts back. I've just been hit with this arrow of fear and worry out of nowhere at different points in the last while. But the good thing about being in a state of madness is that you are very much in the midst of life again.
Anyway. Lots to think about. I think what I spoke about above is the key to unlocking this weight problem. I have been a lot better lately in terms of food choices - had my tuna salad today and scrambled eggs for dinner, so I am making some progress I feel...
- Thanks Cate. x
- Yes, my relationship with my parents gets me through a lot of tough times Liza, that's for sure. They're really decent people. I chose well.
Are you there God? It's me, Emily.
I'm going to talk around what I really want to talk about, but as this diary is about me anyway, I guess keeping it vague and talking about how I react to certain situations, how they make me feel, and whether they fuel me into action or cause me to retreat into my hermit shell, is A-OK.
I've been thinking about how I am as a person a lot lately. I think when you have a situation with someone where you felt it was more or less solid, and all of a sudden, you notice that the path under your feet is a little less secure, there's a little bit of scree underfoot now, it causes you to look inward and in my case, imagine about 100 different scenarios as to what's happening, what they might be thinking, what people might be saying about you, and making yourself sick with worry one minute and jubilant the next.
So that's what's been going on with me. And then I started thinking about why this is. I'm not good with spontaneity - a lot of relationships are built on spontaneity and that's just not for me. I like things to be controlled. I like knowing where I stand. I don't know, I think meeting men on a night out is just something that stresses me out because there are so many variables and unknowns and it's all difficult for me to navigate. But this lack of spontaneity has made my life very stagnant.
Last night, I gave myself the mantra, 'Go with the flow' as I tried to drift off to sleep, because I've realised through all this trauma (and it is traumatic to me due to my personal history), I am clinging on so, so tightly, to everything!! and it's so damaging. It's really limiting me.
Now, it's easier to recognise something than to make changes but I do think recognising is important. It explains lack of control issues around food, cigarettes, booze, negative emotions... When you hold on so tightly all the time, you have to balance that out with a form of release in other ways.
On a practical level, it means I can't connect with people in the way I want to. I met Tom tonight. I'm so relieved that our last interaction on this earth wasn't a terse phone conversation. But I've gone bonkers and have veered into desperation territory. There is nothing less attractive. So it was a wake-up call for me to start trying to figure my shit out. I need to get my confidence back. And if he is around, and I love when he's around, I don't want to be a drooling idiot and I just want to get back to being my vibrant self. I'm giving myself a pass tonight because it was a bit of a shock. Lack of spontaneity, I told ya! He did make a funny quip about the tennis though that no one else would have got, so at least I know he pays attention some bit, haha.
On a different thread, I have been having a lot of despairing thoughts about death and the fear of dying lately - really sinister stuff, I mentioned it a few posts back. I've just been hit with this arrow of fear and worry out of nowhere at different points in the last while. But the good thing about being in a state of madness is that you are very much in the midst of life again.
Anyway. Lots to think about. I think what I spoke about above is the key to unlocking this weight problem. I have been a lot better lately in terms of food choices - had my tuna salad today and scrambled eggs for dinner, so I am making some progress I feel...
Hi Em! Sorry, I wondered if this was your primary journal after I wrote that. I have one I type into on my computer that is just for me when I need to sort my feelings out not in public, and when I was sketching more, I also had notebooks I filled with ideas. I wonder why a fear of death is coming up suddenly? It seems like you are re-evaluating your life and your values a lot lately. I wonder if it's something about finding what is most meaningful to you in your life before you die? Just a guess, really.
I don't really follow what's going on with you and Tom. I hope you do figure out how to go with the flow more so you don't feel you have to be in control so much - that can be so exhausting listening to the ego which always wants more control, even when it's not necessarily needed. I have been thinking lately about why in the world I listen to these internal voices which tell me to eat badly when I know they aren't looking out for me. With wondering what people think of us, I often drive myself nuts with that one. I am getting so I realize that I am not going to please everyone. I get awkward and say things in ways where they can be taken wrong a lot, and I feel like I need friends who give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad you're doing so well with food lately! I also feel like when I can relax, I can be in a mindset where I can lose weight. I don't lose weight when I'm tense about things. I really hope you can find happy ways to relax and enjoy your life even more!!
I don't really follow what's going on with you and Tom. I hope you do figure out how to go with the flow more so you don't feel you have to be in control so much - that can be so exhausting listening to the ego which always wants more control, even when it's not necessarily needed. I have been thinking lately about why in the world I listen to these internal voices which tell me to eat badly when I know they aren't looking out for me. With wondering what people think of us, I often drive myself nuts with that one. I am getting so I realize that I am not going to please everyone. I get awkward and say things in ways where they can be taken wrong a lot, and I feel like I need friends who give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad you're doing so well with food lately! I also feel like when I can relax, I can be in a mindset where I can lose weight. I don't lose weight when I'm tense about things. I really hope you can find happy ways to relax and enjoy your life even more!!