Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Welcome home, and glad you enjoyed the trip! Did you get time to walk around the city at all? Sorry your weight jumped up, too, but I bet it will come back down quickly now that you're home. When I go clothes shopping I run into those horrible mirrors. I think we should ignore them! It's really good to hear you are feeling so good and doing so well with not drinking!!
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Lovely you are feeling yourself lately and feeling more open and unguarded. And good job on staying away from alcohol through the week. I'm sure your weight will drop back to what it was and continue to go down. And never mind those hotel mirrors--some mirrors are just not kind!
- Thanks Cate. I didn't show them anything unfortunately. Just in a bad zone with tennis right now.
- Thanks Marsia. I didn't have too much time or energy for walking around unfortunately, but I enjoyed my short stint there all the same. It was good for me to be in a different environment for a while.
- Yep, those mirrors did nothing for my confidence Liza, I have to say.
I'm feeling very down tonight. I have no reason to - I had a good day in work, things are going well in general... I'm just down and that's that.
I said on Marsia's diary that you should allow yourself to say, 'This fucking sucks' every so often, and that's how I'm feeling today. The way I'm feeling now fucking sucks.
I'm just a bit confused about what I want my life to be. I'm applying for a new job next week - it would be a fantastic job, I really want to get it. I think I have a good chance. Same hours as I'm doing now, with more money, more holidays, loads of benefits... I want it. I'm excited to apply for it. I think I would be a good fit. So that's something to look forward to.
I guess it's just my personal life that I am confused about. There just doesn't seem to be enough time left for me. I've squandered it all. I really don't want to end up alone. I feel like I've been alone my whole life. I mean, that's the reality, I have been. I'm in a pattern of aloneness, since I was a child. And the pattern keeps repeating. I'm finding that very hard to cope with.
I feel like I've been granted so many gifts and talents, and yet I can't seem to make them work for me. The man I went on the date with last year is involved in the drama group now so I am seeing a lot of him. I feel guilty about it not working out. He keeps looking to me for approval and I find myself getting annoyed with him. I feel like I could be a very loving, affectionate partner for somebody and yet that somebody never seems to materialise. I won't settle, you know? I just couldn't lie to myself like that, or lie to someone else. I really am in despair about the fact that I only want the impossible. And if I got the impossible, things would be so difficult for a while, with massive amounts of guilt involved, and probably more despair.
I just want someone who really makes me feel alive.
- Thanks Marsia. I didn't have too much time or energy for walking around unfortunately, but I enjoyed my short stint there all the same. It was good for me to be in a different environment for a while.
- Yep, those mirrors did nothing for my confidence Liza, I have to say.
I'm feeling very down tonight. I have no reason to - I had a good day in work, things are going well in general... I'm just down and that's that.
I said on Marsia's diary that you should allow yourself to say, 'This fucking sucks' every so often, and that's how I'm feeling today. The way I'm feeling now fucking sucks.
I'm just a bit confused about what I want my life to be. I'm applying for a new job next week - it would be a fantastic job, I really want to get it. I think I have a good chance. Same hours as I'm doing now, with more money, more holidays, loads of benefits... I want it. I'm excited to apply for it. I think I would be a good fit. So that's something to look forward to.
I guess it's just my personal life that I am confused about. There just doesn't seem to be enough time left for me. I've squandered it all. I really don't want to end up alone. I feel like I've been alone my whole life. I mean, that's the reality, I have been. I'm in a pattern of aloneness, since I was a child. And the pattern keeps repeating. I'm finding that very hard to cope with.
I feel like I've been granted so many gifts and talents, and yet I can't seem to make them work for me. The man I went on the date with last year is involved in the drama group now so I am seeing a lot of him. I feel guilty about it not working out. He keeps looking to me for approval and I find myself getting annoyed with him. I feel like I could be a very loving, affectionate partner for somebody and yet that somebody never seems to materialise. I won't settle, you know? I just couldn't lie to myself like that, or lie to someone else. I really am in despair about the fact that I only want the impossible. And if I got the impossible, things would be so difficult for a while, with massive amounts of guilt involved, and probably more despair.
I just want someone who really makes me feel alive.
Wow, Em, it's like you were reading my mind today. I was posting my new resume and thinking about all the career opportunities I didn't take, all the guys I felt I wasn't good enough to date so I wound up with J, all the times I was not included in groups of kids growing up, how lonely I get now and in childhood, how many things I should have done differently, and now I'm old and not financially stable,... It's like we channeled each other's doubts.
I really hope the new job works out. Just the better pay alone would be so awesome! I don't think you want the impossible, I think you are in a holding pattern, and I agree with Cate, new scenery (and more resources at your fingertips) would be a wonderful catalyst for change!!
from me, too!
I really hope the new job works out. Just the better pay alone would be so awesome! I don't think you want the impossible, I think you are in a holding pattern, and I agree with Cate, new scenery (and more resources at your fingertips) would be a wonderful catalyst for change!!
from me, too!- Thanks Cate. I think it would be great to change scene a little bit.
- Aw, so sweet Marsia. Yes, some days we just get down on ourselves, don't we?
- Thanks Liza. I don't really feel like doing the application, because it really has to be good, but I feel this is too good an opportunity to ignore.
Mood has been up and down. I had a good sleep last night so today wasn't too bad, but I have nothing going on for the evening, so I'm a bit bored. And it's raining again. The weather has been awful.
I could have ventured down to the tennis club tonight as there are some matches on, but I really have taken a turn against it. I'm trying to organise a game as part of a league this evening with a woman in the club and she keeps fobbing me off. I honestly think she's afraid that I'll beat her, which is doubtful as I'm playing so poorly at the moment, but it's annoying that she's trying to get out of it. Anyway, I'm hoping that she gets back to me, as I want to play it.
I finished another Agatha Christie book tonight, contemplating either starting another one or watching something on Netflix. I don't know, my interest in TV and films has really waned. I guess that's a good thing.
I went for a cigarette today and started thinking about dying, which was a weird thing to be thinking about in the middle of the day. I felt very terrified for a couple of minutes. Then I kind of brushed it to one side. I guess it's a good thing that I don't want to die? It means that I'm enjoying life some bit at least, even though a lot of it seems like one big chore.
Work is super-busy but only one more day to get through and then I have some time off. I already have a long list of jobs I need to get done. Although my room is relatively clean - a quick hoover at the weekend and it will be clean again. Have to get hoover bags.
- Aw, so sweet Marsia. Yes, some days we just get down on ourselves, don't we?
- Thanks Liza. I don't really feel like doing the application, because it really has to be good, but I feel this is too good an opportunity to ignore.
Mood has been up and down. I had a good sleep last night so today wasn't too bad, but I have nothing going on for the evening, so I'm a bit bored. And it's raining again. The weather has been awful.
I could have ventured down to the tennis club tonight as there are some matches on, but I really have taken a turn against it. I'm trying to organise a game as part of a league this evening with a woman in the club and she keeps fobbing me off. I honestly think she's afraid that I'll beat her, which is doubtful as I'm playing so poorly at the moment, but it's annoying that she's trying to get out of it. Anyway, I'm hoping that she gets back to me, as I want to play it.
I finished another Agatha Christie book tonight, contemplating either starting another one or watching something on Netflix. I don't know, my interest in TV and films has really waned. I guess that's a good thing.
I went for a cigarette today and started thinking about dying, which was a weird thing to be thinking about in the middle of the day. I felt very terrified for a couple of minutes. Then I kind of brushed it to one side. I guess it's a good thing that I don't want to die? It means that I'm enjoying life some bit at least, even though a lot of it seems like one big chore.
Work is super-busy but only one more day to get through and then I have some time off. I already have a long list of jobs I need to get done. Although my room is relatively clean - a quick hoover at the weekend and it will be clean again. Have to get hoover bags.
Cate
Long term member
Em, try not to overthink things at the tennis club (says she who overthinks things at the golf club) & get back into it. Tennis is so good for you. Sometimes we just have to get over ourselves. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself this weekend. Catch up with some friends that you haven't talked to for a while. Life is good & will be better for you. Believe in that, Em xoxo
alligatorob
Respected Member
I hope you do too, they would be lucky to have you!
Me too... at some level aren't we all?
Good for you, and not entirely irrational. Smoking does kill... slowly and selectively. Whatever it takes I hope you can stay quit.
Hope you get the tennis match you want, but as others have said try not to take it too seriously. It's more the other lady's loss than yours.
And I hope you find him, you deserve it!
- Funnily enough Cate, a friend I haven't seen in ages texted me today and we're meeting up tomorrow! It's like the Universe knows I'm on my hols, hahaha.
- Aw, thanks Rob. Yes, I guess it's hard to be certain of things in this life. I guess that's the control freak coming out in me.
- Thanks Liza. I will be playing during the week as there are scheduled times in the mornings, which I normally can't play cos of work, so hopefully that will get me back in the groove a bit.
I'm on my hols!
Yes, it's finally happened. I am getting a break. I worked my butt off this week, hopefully literally!
I left things in a good state, so I can really enjoy this time off and not worry about things being in shit when I get back. There's actually a cool marketing event coming up the week I'm back, another trip to the Big Smoke, so I won't have the awful dreads going back either.
Work is actually going very well, had great chats today with one of my colleagues who is going through a tough time. She's handling it well though. We all seem to be getting on well in the team in general, which is such a relief. So that's cool. As much as I like them, now I don't have to think about any of them for 9 whole days! Hahaha.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in, can't wait, then I'm helping my housemate move all her stuff, then meeting my friend for drinkies. Sunday will be a relaxed day where I get my room in order again and try to eat some vegetables, then Monday I have some tennis and a drama thing to look forward to. Hopefully no drama on the tennis court!
That's kind of it really. I started reading Endless Night by Agatha Christie, loving it so far. It's a bit more of a gothic novel than a mystery book so far. Things are about to go very, very wrong, really enjoying it.
- Aw, thanks Rob. Yes, I guess it's hard to be certain of things in this life. I guess that's the control freak coming out in me.
- Thanks Liza. I will be playing during the week as there are scheduled times in the mornings, which I normally can't play cos of work, so hopefully that will get me back in the groove a bit.
I'm on my hols!
Yes, it's finally happened. I am getting a break. I worked my butt off this week, hopefully literally!
I left things in a good state, so I can really enjoy this time off and not worry about things being in shit when I get back. There's actually a cool marketing event coming up the week I'm back, another trip to the Big Smoke, so I won't have the awful dreads going back either.Work is actually going very well, had great chats today with one of my colleagues who is going through a tough time. She's handling it well though. We all seem to be getting on well in the team in general, which is such a relief. So that's cool. As much as I like them, now I don't have to think about any of them for 9 whole days! Hahaha.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in, can't wait, then I'm helping my housemate move all her stuff, then meeting my friend for drinkies. Sunday will be a relaxed day where I get my room in order again and try to eat some vegetables, then Monday I have some tennis and a drama thing to look forward to. Hopefully no drama on the tennis court!
That's kind of it really. I started reading Endless Night by Agatha Christie, loving it so far. It's a bit more of a gothic novel than a mystery book so far. Things are about to go very, very wrong, really enjoying it.
I hope you thoroughly enjoy your time off! I love Agatha Christie, too. I've been feeling similarly about food - that I don't want to keep putting things in my mouth that keep this outer layer of killer belly fat stuck to me. Anyway, it's wonderful you have 9 whole days off, and I hope you get to savor each one!!!
alligatorob
Respected Member
What's a "Big Smoke"? To me it sounds like a good cigar...
Have fun!I'm on my hols!
- It's great Cate. But they are going so fast already!!
- Thank you Marsia, it is truly wonderful. I need this break.
- Thanks Liza.
- Rob, The Big Smoke is the culchie name for Dublin. (Culchie is the word we use here for country folk. Anyone not from Dublin is referred to as a culchie by the Dubs. I would not refer to myself as a culchie but I'm sure some of the Dublin people would, haha.)
Day 3 of the hols! Life is flying by.
I met up with an old school friend on Saturday night, we ended up chatting to a big gang of men in their 60s for a while, who had all been friends since they were 12 or 13. I love those kinds of nights out - just getting into the chats with random strangers. Those were the nights I missed during the Covid years. So that was great fun.
Felt really tired yesterday, because the Piper will always come for his fee. I meandered in bed for a while but it was a really beautiful autumn day so I forced myself to get up and I went for a walk in the woods I used to spend a lot of time in during the pandemic. I really enjoyed it, sweated some of the hangover out. I went for a coffee and cake afterwards, read some of the latest Agatha Christie I picked up from the library, then decided I needed some home comforts and went home to my parents.
Even though I don't think any of the three of us are in what you would call a 'good place' at the moment, either mentally or physically, we had a lovely evening chatting away happily together. There's something so nice about being around people who really love you, no matter what. I had a good old moan about the tennis club, where there were constant pictures being zapped into the group chat all day of the team I wasn't selected for on the tennis court, which made me feel like a dusty old shoe left out in the cold. So I was able to really whinge about that, whereas with most people, you would have to pretend to be generous and ambivalent about it. Lol. It would be better to be magnanimous, but I'd rather be honest. Anyway, my parents were laughing - they get it. I enjoy that feeling of when you know how ridiculous you are being and the people that love you recognise how ridiculous you are being but allow you to rant away anyway, and you all have a good giggle and you feel better.
Anyway, I had a good night's sleep, hung around watching morning TV for a while, was up before both my parents, times really have changed. My mum was good though, she's perked up a bit I think. Back to water aerobics and all that. I had an Indian head massage booked for half one, went to that, nothing much done with my head, but loads on my shoulders, which are extremely tense. The woman who did the massage was really lovely. I felt like I might violently burst into tears when I went in there first and she was asking me how I was feeling in a really caring manner, but I managed to not do that. I don't know why I would feel so ashamed of doing that. I just kind of think it's not fair if I'm a blubbering mess in front of people. Hmm. Interesting.
Anyway, that was that, I got myself a coffee and flapjack in this beautiful church/art gallery in town that is always very empty and kind of a hidden gem in the city. Enjoyed that. Went home, felt exhausted and had a really disconcerting nap where I felt awful when I woke up. Had a shower, forced myself to eat this lamb pie I'd bought, and then I had rehearsal for the new play we're doing. I was half-thinking of not going to rehearsal, but it was such an enjoyable couple of hours. I was chatting to this really sweet Italian guy that's in it afterwards and he was saying he was surprised with how easy the whole process has been so far and how well it's going, and that was amazing feedback. I think it's testament to the people we have at the helm (ahem, that includes me,) and how genuine the group is. He said he's already looking forward to the next rehearsal. So lovely to hear that.
Tomorrow, I have to apply for that job - I have till noon, so last minute! Then tennis for a few hours in the evening. I got an invite from another lady this evening for tomorrow, which I can't do, cos it will be too much tennis for one evening. I'm not quite an old shoe just yet I guess. It was sweet of her - I think a few of them are trying to give me a boost. I could be imagining that but this woman hasn't contacted me personally for a game before, so I thought that was really lovely.
- Thank you Marsia, it is truly wonderful. I need this break.
- Thanks Liza.
- Rob, The Big Smoke is the culchie name for Dublin. (Culchie is the word we use here for country folk. Anyone not from Dublin is referred to as a culchie by the Dubs.
I would not refer to myself as a culchie but I'm sure some of the Dublin people would, haha.)Day 3 of the hols! Life is flying by.
I met up with an old school friend on Saturday night, we ended up chatting to a big gang of men in their 60s for a while, who had all been friends since they were 12 or 13. I love those kinds of nights out - just getting into the chats with random strangers. Those were the nights I missed during the Covid years. So that was great fun.
Felt really tired yesterday, because the Piper will always come for his fee. I meandered in bed for a while but it was a really beautiful autumn day so I forced myself to get up and I went for a walk in the woods I used to spend a lot of time in during the pandemic. I really enjoyed it, sweated some of the hangover out. I went for a coffee and cake afterwards, read some of the latest Agatha Christie I picked up from the library, then decided I needed some home comforts and went home to my parents.
Even though I don't think any of the three of us are in what you would call a 'good place' at the moment, either mentally or physically, we had a lovely evening chatting away happily together. There's something so nice about being around people who really love you, no matter what. I had a good old moan about the tennis club, where there were constant pictures being zapped into the group chat all day of the team I wasn't selected for on the tennis court, which made me feel like a dusty old shoe left out in the cold. So I was able to really whinge about that, whereas with most people, you would have to pretend to be generous and ambivalent about it. Lol. It would be better to be magnanimous, but I'd rather be honest. Anyway, my parents were laughing - they get it. I enjoy that feeling of when you know how ridiculous you are being and the people that love you recognise how ridiculous you are being but allow you to rant away anyway, and you all have a good giggle and you feel better.
Anyway, I had a good night's sleep, hung around watching morning TV for a while, was up before both my parents, times really have changed. My mum was good though, she's perked up a bit I think. Back to water aerobics and all that. I had an Indian head massage booked for half one, went to that, nothing much done with my head, but loads on my shoulders, which are extremely tense. The woman who did the massage was really lovely. I felt like I might violently burst into tears when I went in there first and she was asking me how I was feeling in a really caring manner, but I managed to not do that. I don't know why I would feel so ashamed of doing that. I just kind of think it's not fair if I'm a blubbering mess in front of people. Hmm. Interesting.
Anyway, that was that, I got myself a coffee and flapjack in this beautiful church/art gallery in town that is always very empty and kind of a hidden gem in the city. Enjoyed that. Went home, felt exhausted and had a really disconcerting nap where I felt awful when I woke up. Had a shower, forced myself to eat this lamb pie I'd bought, and then I had rehearsal for the new play we're doing. I was half-thinking of not going to rehearsal, but it was such an enjoyable couple of hours. I was chatting to this really sweet Italian guy that's in it afterwards and he was saying he was surprised with how easy the whole process has been so far and how well it's going, and that was amazing feedback. I think it's testament to the people we have at the helm (ahem, that includes me,
) and how genuine the group is. He said he's already looking forward to the next rehearsal. So lovely to hear that.Tomorrow, I have to apply for that job - I have till noon, so last minute! Then tennis for a few hours in the evening. I got an invite from another lady this evening for tomorrow, which I can't do, cos it will be too much tennis for one evening. I'm not quite an old shoe just yet I guess. It was sweet of her - I think a few of them are trying to give me a boost. I could be imagining that but this woman hasn't contacted me personally for a game before, so I thought that was really lovely.
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Glad you are getting to really relax and enjoy some well earned time to yourself!! I love how you write about your days - it's so descriptive and seems like from a movie where you forget that it's a movie and you feel that you are there. It's wonderful you are so close with your folks and can joke about the tennis stuff and not take things so seriously. I want to be called a culchie by the Dubs - that's so fun! Anyway, it all sounds great, chatting with groups of happy strangers, nice cafe in a church with art, and good compliments on how you are running the new play rehearsals! Here's to more fun adventures and lots more r&r!
This all made me laugh. Yes so great when you can just be your honest self with the people who really love you and get you...and it does really make one feel better about it all when you can all have a laugh about it. So great you have that relationship with your parents.
That is great--i even notice that just in going about my days, chatting with people in the grocery stores or on the street or whatever. Something never thought about before covid and now it just seems so nice to get back to that again!
- Haha, thanks Marsia. If my life was a movie, I'd definitely be getting a bit more action! Maybe in the coming months, who knows? I hope you visit Dublin sometime and get called a culchie by someone. That made me laugh.
- Yeah, they are great Liza. Everyone always thinks they've really spoiled me but they are actually very grounded and keep me in check constantly. Lol. At the same time, I know they are very proud of me.
Well, what shall we dive into tonight?
I applied for the job today, even under duress, as a new issue has emerged with the drama group, and I don't really know how to resolve it. I was also painfully hungover all day, and I didn't learn any lesson from it, as I am drinking more wine again tonight. Ugh. I woke up too early though and was very stressed and anxious because of the job application, but in the end, it wasn't that bad at all and I more or less enjoyed doing it. I don't know why I have to build all this stuff up in my head so much. I mean, I enjoy writing, so why was I so worried about putting a cover letter together? I guess it's the perfectionist in me. I did get a bit dramatic with the cover letter, which might go against me, but I think it kind of got my personality across, and I want to work somewhere where I can be myself, so I guess that's a good thing.
Anyway, this is the last of the autumn wine, and I am going to stop buying it from now on. No more drinking at home. That in itself would transform my life. I would have so much more energy. I must have huge energy reserves because despite all the self-abuse, I can motor on pretty well in general. I am so sick of the hangovers though, just that dull ache in the head, that horrible draining feeling. I deserve better than that. Why am I so unkind to myself? That's an important question.
In better news, peace has been restored on the tennis courts. Played tonight with a few of the ladies, we had a great game. Another lady who is on the team brought a book with her especially to lend to me and I felt like it was an olive branch - she was really kind, and I think she realises how badly I've been feeling about everything. Anyway, that really warmed my heart, and it's time to move onto a new chapter with regards to the club. A lot of the women this evening made a big effort to say hello to me - I mean, I don't know this for sure, but I think they might have realised how upset I've been. It was a nice feeling. Overall, it was a very positive evening and even though I felt rough, I played quite well and got a bit of my tennis mojo back.
Tomorrow is another sleeping day to get rid of two days of drinking wine. I am waking up too early and feeling agitated, so at least now I have that job application behind me, things might be better. Tom is breaking my heart at the moment, he's really not worth the trouble. On the one hand, he has been so lovely to me, really kind and helped me a lot. On the other hand, he's a bit of a self-involved prick. I think that's probably why I like him - impossible to really understand and it's a constant rollercoaster. I mean, it's really me that is doing all the work to keep him in my life, but every so often, he will send a message and it just keeps that window open a crack. And that is why I am finding it impossible to move on. Some days I think he must really like me, other days I think I have invented the majority of it. Today was not a good day - I'm not angry or anything, I just feel deflated. And I also hate even worrying about him, because I have so much of my own issues to sort out that he has nothing to do with. It's like, I used to think about my body and how much I hated it all day, and now I have replaced that thought process with him and how much I like him and don't want to. Neither is good, neither is healthy. I have to work this stuff out.
Maybe in the coming months, who knows? I hope you visit Dublin sometime and get called a culchie by someone. That made me laugh.- Yeah, they are great Liza. Everyone always thinks they've really spoiled me but they are actually very grounded and keep me in check constantly. Lol. At the same time, I know they are very proud of me.
Well, what shall we dive into tonight?
I applied for the job today, even under duress, as a new issue has emerged with the drama group, and I don't really know how to resolve it. I was also painfully hungover all day, and I didn't learn any lesson from it, as I am drinking more wine again tonight. Ugh. I woke up too early though and was very stressed and anxious because of the job application, but in the end, it wasn't that bad at all and I more or less enjoyed doing it. I don't know why I have to build all this stuff up in my head so much. I mean, I enjoy writing, so why was I so worried about putting a cover letter together? I guess it's the perfectionist in me. I did get a bit dramatic with the cover letter, which might go against me, but I think it kind of got my personality across, and I want to work somewhere where I can be myself, so I guess that's a good thing.
Anyway, this is the last of the autumn wine, and I am going to stop buying it from now on. No more drinking at home. That in itself would transform my life. I would have so much more energy. I must have huge energy reserves because despite all the self-abuse, I can motor on pretty well in general. I am so sick of the hangovers though, just that dull ache in the head, that horrible draining feeling. I deserve better than that. Why am I so unkind to myself? That's an important question.
In better news, peace has been restored on the tennis courts. Played tonight with a few of the ladies, we had a great game. Another lady who is on the team brought a book with her especially to lend to me and I felt like it was an olive branch - she was really kind, and I think she realises how badly I've been feeling about everything. Anyway, that really warmed my heart, and it's time to move onto a new chapter with regards to the club. A lot of the women this evening made a big effort to say hello to me - I mean, I don't know this for sure, but I think they might have realised how upset I've been. It was a nice feeling. Overall, it was a very positive evening and even though I felt rough, I played quite well and got a bit of my tennis mojo back.
Tomorrow is another sleeping day to get rid of two days of drinking wine. I am waking up too early and feeling agitated, so at least now I have that job application behind me, things might be better. Tom is breaking my heart at the moment, he's really not worth the trouble. On the one hand, he has been so lovely to me, really kind and helped me a lot. On the other hand, he's a bit of a self-involved prick. I think that's probably why I like him - impossible to really understand and it's a constant rollercoaster. I mean, it's really me that is doing all the work to keep him in my life, but every so often, he will send a message and it just keeps that window open a crack. And that is why I am finding it impossible to move on. Some days I think he must really like me, other days I think I have invented the majority of it. Today was not a good day - I'm not angry or anything, I just feel deflated. And I also hate even worrying about him, because I have so much of my own issues to sort out that he has nothing to do with. It's like, I used to think about my body and how much I hated it all day, and now I have replaced that thought process with him and how much I like him and don't want to. Neither is good, neither is healthy. I have to work this stuff out.