Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Thanks Cate. I actually don't see the point in having one drink. Oh God.
- The book is great, Liza and the films are fun. No swim yet!!
Well! Miracle of miracles, but I won both my matches today! Even after a bottle of wine (and some whiskey to top it all off!!!). I woke up this morning feeling alright, not too rough, but not exactly fresh either. Anyway, I had a shower, which is always a lifesaver, ate a banana and bought a greasy jambon in the shop. Drove to where the tournament was on - the weather was actually lovely. Our first opponents were very poor and I knew immediately that we should win it, which meant there was all sorts of pressure and I played awful. We managed to win it anyway, because they played that little bit worse. They were lovely ladies, one of them was quite young, and she was telling us she's currently training in a dog to help her with her anxiety and ADHD. I thought that was so impressive. She said you would be waiting forever for the government to do it so she's just going to do it herself.
Anyway, that was that, delighted. Went to my parents' house for dinner, came back to my own place and napped for a bit but I didn't sleep really and I felt worse when I woke up. Then I had to drive back down to the tennis club for the next round. I did not feel up to it, let me tell you, and I knew that the standard would be a lot higher.
We lost the first set, but in the second set, I went through this amazing purple patch of play, where everything came together for me. I was unstoppable! My serving was great, I hit some great winners, and I really felt like all of the many, many hours I've given to this sport were beginning to pay off. We won the second easily enough. In the third, we lost our focus for a bit and they started to creep back, but at 5-3 I served for the set and we won!!!
I am beyond thrilled. It was a fantastic day of tennis for me. I am now absolutely shattered, I only got home just before 11pm, so it's been a long, long day. No wine tonight and I didn't smoke too much today either (there wasn't time!) so it was very successful on that front also. I am now going to collapse into blissful victory slumber and hopefully feel amazing tomorrow. I have another match at half 4 tomorrow, so let's see if I can get the treble!!
- The book is great, Liza and the films are fun. No swim yet!!
Well! Miracle of miracles, but I won both my matches today! Even after a bottle of wine (and some whiskey to top it all off!!!). I woke up this morning feeling alright, not too rough, but not exactly fresh either. Anyway, I had a shower, which is always a lifesaver, ate a banana and bought a greasy jambon in the shop. Drove to where the tournament was on - the weather was actually lovely. Our first opponents were very poor and I knew immediately that we should win it, which meant there was all sorts of pressure and I played awful. We managed to win it anyway, because they played that little bit worse. They were lovely ladies, one of them was quite young, and she was telling us she's currently training in a dog to help her with her anxiety and ADHD. I thought that was so impressive. She said you would be waiting forever for the government to do it so she's just going to do it herself.
Anyway, that was that, delighted. Went to my parents' house for dinner, came back to my own place and napped for a bit but I didn't sleep really and I felt worse when I woke up. Then I had to drive back down to the tennis club for the next round. I did not feel up to it, let me tell you, and I knew that the standard would be a lot higher.
We lost the first set, but in the second set, I went through this amazing purple patch of play, where everything came together for me. I was unstoppable! My serving was great, I hit some great winners, and I really felt like all of the many, many hours I've given to this sport were beginning to pay off. We won the second easily enough. In the third, we lost our focus for a bit and they started to creep back, but at 5-3 I served for the set and we won!!!
I am beyond thrilled. It was a fantastic day of tennis for me. I am now absolutely shattered, I only got home just before 11pm, so it's been a long, long day. No wine tonight and I didn't smoke too much today either (there wasn't time!) so it was very successful on that front also. I am now going to collapse into blissful victory slumber and hopefully feel amazing tomorrow. I have another match at half 4 tomorrow, so let's see if I can get the treble!!
Cate
Long term member
" Thanks Cate. I actually don't see the point in having one drink. Oh God."
Oh. Ouch.
On that note, I had one piccolo yesterday after golf with all the good intentions & then had a glass of red wine. I felt really disappointed in myself. Sometimes it's hard to just have one, but I'm going to try harder next time.
Woo-hoo on winning both matches. The tennis academy is back in full swing!
Imagine how well you could play if you gave up the smokes 
Oh. Ouch.
On that note, I had one piccolo yesterday after golf with all the good intentions & then had a glass of red wine. I felt really disappointed in myself. Sometimes it's hard to just have one, but I'm going to try harder next time.
Woo-hoo on winning both matches. The tennis academy is back in full swing!
Imagine how well you could play if you gave up the smokes
It's so funny how you never know when your skills will all pull together and you'll do great. It sounds like a really long hard day, and I'm glad you did so well on both matches! Anyway, I hope you can find ways of viewing the aloneness more as alone time which you can look forward to. Good luck tomorrow, and I hope you get a great, restorative sleep.
- The tennis academy is well and truly back, Cate. Whoop whoop.
- Thanks Marsia. I hope so too.
- Yeah, that young lady was very impressive, Liza.
Well, good news! I finally went for my swim this evening.
I felt very, very cross and down after work. The day went fine, I just get like that sometimes. I'm just really lonely at the moment. If I could analyse the root cause, I think that's it. Anyway, I came home and just went to bed. I did sleep though and while I did manage to power through after that night of drinking on Friday, I was very, very tired yesterday and had another longish drive and a match to play (we lost). So I probably did need a rest. I slept till about 7, then got up, packed my gear and headed to the pool. I didn't feel like going, I really forced myself out the door and into the car.
Anyway, I told myself I only had to do 20 laps, but I got into it and did the full 50 (which is my usual goal). I felt miles better after the swim. I felt strong and confident again. I mean, that feeling has dissipated since I've got home but at least I felt like that for half an hour anyway!! It was probably really good to go for a swim after all the matches at the weekend. I spent 15 minutes in the jacuzzi afterwards, then a short stint in the steam room, showered and came back home.
The nice thing about going for a swim is that it takes up loads and loads of time, so when you're feeling as bad about yourself as I am right now and hating your own company, it's a nice distraction until you have to go to sleep again. I'm just really sick of myself right now. It's interesting, one of the tennis ladies texted me tonight to wish me luck in my match tomorrow and said she was sure we'd have no problem. I replied that I wished I had her confidence and she texted back that she's pretty sure I have bucketloads more confidence than her. I guess I put on a good show? I don't know. Anyway, it kind of gave me a boost.
Hectic day tomorrow, which should keep the dark thoughts at bay. And no wine for the third day in a row!
One more thing - I had an awful dream this morning that I was trapped in a house where all the walls and carpets were red and orange. I couldn't escape, just wandering around corridor after corridor. I had the thought at one point, 'Oh no, have I died?' Anyway, I woke up then, thank God. Any dream psychoanalysts on the forum? What does it all mean?
I also found a new one from Paul McCartney today that I absolutely love and it kind of sums up where I am right now. What a genius songwriter he is. Love him.
- Thanks Marsia. I hope so too.
- Yeah, that young lady was very impressive, Liza.
Well, good news! I finally went for my swim this evening.
I felt very, very cross and down after work. The day went fine, I just get like that sometimes. I'm just really lonely at the moment. If I could analyse the root cause, I think that's it. Anyway, I came home and just went to bed.
I did sleep though and while I did manage to power through after that night of drinking on Friday, I was very, very tired yesterday and had another longish drive and a match to play (we lost). So I probably did need a rest. I slept till about 7, then got up, packed my gear and headed to the pool. I didn't feel like going, I really forced myself out the door and into the car.Anyway, I told myself I only had to do 20 laps, but I got into it and did the full 50 (which is my usual goal). I felt miles better after the swim. I felt strong and confident again. I mean, that feeling has dissipated since I've got home but at least I felt like that for half an hour anyway!! It was probably really good to go for a swim after all the matches at the weekend. I spent 15 minutes in the jacuzzi afterwards, then a short stint in the steam room, showered and came back home.
The nice thing about going for a swim is that it takes up loads and loads of time, so when you're feeling as bad about yourself as I am right now and hating your own company, it's a nice distraction until you have to go to sleep again. I'm just really sick of myself right now. It's interesting, one of the tennis ladies texted me tonight to wish me luck in my match tomorrow and said she was sure we'd have no problem. I replied that I wished I had her confidence and she texted back that she's pretty sure I have bucketloads more confidence than her. I guess I put on a good show? I don't know. Anyway, it kind of gave me a boost.
Hectic day tomorrow, which should keep the dark thoughts at bay. And no wine for the third day in a row!
One more thing - I had an awful dream this morning that I was trapped in a house where all the walls and carpets were red and orange. I couldn't escape, just wandering around corridor after corridor. I had the thought at one point, 'Oh no, have I died?' Anyway, I woke up then, thank God. Any dream psychoanalysts on the forum? What does it all mean?
I also found a new one from Paul McCartney today that I absolutely love and it kind of sums up where I am right now. What a genius songwriter he is. Love him.
Last edited:
Cate
Long term member
I'm so glad that the tennis academy is back up & running. People think I am much more confident than I actually am, Em. It's a show that we somehow seem able to pull off. I'm glad you went swimming. Were there any cute guys in the jacuzzi? I love that song too. Paul McCartney is a brilliant songwriter & I love seeing his interviews these days. He loves coming to Australia. I just added that one to my Spot playlist xo
Love the Paul McCartney song, and K did, too. So wonderful you did get to the pool and that it helped so much!
With your dream, the house is often a symbol of the self and death is often about radical change, corridors are transition spaces and in a house might symbolize exploring your potential or connecting parts of your psyche, and colors are all over the map as far as symbolism in different cultures, so you'd usually start with your subjective feelings and memories about those colors and especially what they evoked in your particular dream. Red is often a reference to blood, of course, which is a symbol of life, death, and rebirth. That it's paired with orange may evoke feelings or memories you have - symbols usually have both universal and personal meanings, and the personal is as important as the universal. Feeling trapped in a dream is usually about also feeling trapped in your waking life. If this were my dream I would think about the colors in the house and the feeling of being trapped and see if they feel like anything in waking life. Also there is no one interpretation to a dream - they are like poems that evoke certain ideas and feelings and help you think about things in a new way, like with poetry.
Good luck with your match!!
With your dream, the house is often a symbol of the self and death is often about radical change, corridors are transition spaces and in a house might symbolize exploring your potential or connecting parts of your psyche, and colors are all over the map as far as symbolism in different cultures, so you'd usually start with your subjective feelings and memories about those colors and especially what they evoked in your particular dream. Red is often a reference to blood, of course, which is a symbol of life, death, and rebirth. That it's paired with orange may evoke feelings or memories you have - symbols usually have both universal and personal meanings, and the personal is as important as the universal. Feeling trapped in a dream is usually about also feeling trapped in your waking life. If this were my dream I would think about the colors in the house and the feeling of being trapped and see if they feel like anything in waking life. Also there is no one interpretation to a dream - they are like poems that evoke certain ideas and feelings and help you think about things in a new way, like with poetry.
Good luck with your match!!
The swim sounds awesome!
Sorry to hear you are feeling a little down and lonely though. That dream sounds intense. I see Marsia's given a very good go at analysis!
It's funny how some dreams can just really grab us. I had a really intense one the other night. It wasn't bad but it just felt packed with meaning that I wasn't really getting. I usually just trust that at some level I'm working something out and that I don't necessarily have to understand it--kind of like what Marsia said about treating it like one would treat poetry. Always good to wake after an awful one though. Always such a relief!
Sorry to hear you are feeling a little down and lonely though. That dream sounds intense. I see Marsia's given a very good go at analysis!
It's funny how some dreams can just really grab us. I had a really intense one the other night. It wasn't bad but it just felt packed with meaning that I wasn't really getting. I usually just trust that at some level I'm working something out and that I don't necessarily have to understand it--kind of like what Marsia said about treating it like one would treat poetry. Always good to wake after an awful one though. Always such a relief!
Cate
Long term member
Hi, Em. I just thought I would let you know that I have been thinking of you for the last few days. "Every Day" is my new earworm & I woke up again this morning with it in my head! I don't mind at all as it replaced an Amy Winehouse song that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head for months.
I hope you are having a lovely weekend & nice things happen xoxo
I hope you are having a lovely weekend & nice things happen xoxo
!- Hi Cate. Thank you so much for checking in. I'm still going. No cute men in the jacuzzi, unfortunately. I feel Paul is more of a positive influence than Amy.
- Thank you for the lovely dream analysis, Marsia. Lots to mull over there. Hugs back!
- Yes, it is great to wake up and realise it could be worse! Thanks Liza. x
I've been absent for a few days because I've been busy really. Tuesday I had a match, we played well but lost unfortunately. Still, it was a nice evening out. Wednesday I was absolutely exhausted - the tournament matches take a bit more of a toll on the body, both mentally and physically, so I've been tired this week.
Last night, I had a night out with the work colleagues. It was great! I suppose I've been a bit hurt about what happened a few weeks ago, but last night went great and I felt like we were all getting on well and that I have nothing to worry about really.
I also got a text today from a friend I haven't seen in a while asking me last minute to go to a festival with him and a few more. I was like, absolutely not! I am a husk at this stage. But still, it was nice to be thought of, even though I'm pretty sure I was asked because someone else dropped out last minute!! Still, I guess it's better to be on the friend list than not on any list at all. So I will try to catch up with them in the next month or so.
I'm very tired tonight and drinking wine again. My only plan for the weekend is to sleep and not smoke or drink. Simple, right? I weighed in yesterday for the first time in a while - still around the 190 mark, which I was surprised at. It gave me a boost. I really thought I'd gained, as my diet has been absolutely shit. Still, I'm probably not shovelling as many calories in as I did in my bingeing period. Honestly, I think I could lose the next 10 pounds easily enough, with just a bit more cooking and cutting out the drinking. Anyway, I feel like a broken record with the whole thing, but my main point is that I am still at 190 and not back at the doldrums that were 200+.
No tennis this weekend, I need a break, but potentially a swim on Sunday. Or maybe the gym. I'll see...
I wrote out a list of things I want to manifest on Wednesday night and my mood has definitely been a bit up the last few days. I guess the work situation and the surprise text from my friend were part of it in a way. So hopefully things will continue to look up for me.
No cute men in the jacuzzi, unfortunately. I feel Paul is more of a positive influence than Amy. - Thank you for the lovely dream analysis, Marsia. Lots to mull over there. Hugs back!
- Yes, it is great to wake up and realise it could be worse!
Thanks Liza. xI've been absent for a few days because I've been busy really. Tuesday I had a match, we played well but lost unfortunately. Still, it was a nice evening out. Wednesday I was absolutely exhausted - the tournament matches take a bit more of a toll on the body, both mentally and physically, so I've been tired this week.
Last night, I had a night out with the work colleagues. It was great! I suppose I've been a bit hurt about what happened a few weeks ago, but last night went great and I felt like we were all getting on well and that I have nothing to worry about really.
I also got a text today from a friend I haven't seen in a while asking me last minute to go to a festival with him and a few more. I was like, absolutely not! I am a husk at this stage. But still, it was nice to be thought of, even though I'm pretty sure I was asked because someone else dropped out last minute!! Still, I guess it's better to be on the friend list than not on any list at all. So I will try to catch up with them in the next month or so.
I'm very tired tonight and drinking wine again. My only plan for the weekend is to sleep and not smoke or drink. Simple, right? I weighed in yesterday for the first time in a while - still around the 190 mark, which I was surprised at. It gave me a boost. I really thought I'd gained, as my diet has been absolutely shit. Still, I'm probably not shovelling as many calories in as I did in my bingeing period. Honestly, I think I could lose the next 10 pounds easily enough, with just a bit more cooking and cutting out the drinking. Anyway, I feel like a broken record with the whole thing, but my main point is that I am still at 190 and not back at the doldrums that were 200+.
No tennis this weekend, I need a break, but potentially a swim on Sunday. Or maybe the gym. I'll see...
I wrote out a list of things I want to manifest on Wednesday night and my mood has definitely been a bit up the last few days. I guess the work situation and the surprise text from my friend were part of it in a way. So hopefully things will continue to look up for me.
Cate
Long term member
Much better! She was a brilliant singer, but led such a tragic life;- Hi Cate. Thank you so much for checking in. I'm still going.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this, with stuff edited out xo
Glad your weigh-in surprised you in a good way! With the wine drinking, can you get curious about what it does for you so that you are exploring this from a non-judgmental place? Carl Jung thought that people drink because they have a spiritual urge and it gets subverted into drinking. Yesterday I had a glass of wine for the first time in many months and it was on a day where I needed to do a lot of soul searching and I had meditated a lot, and I thought that was curious. Anyway, glad you had a good time out with the people at work. That's wonderful that the meeting from a few weeks ago is now water under the bridge, Happy weekend, and I hope you find nice nurturing things to do!
- Thanks Cate.
- Hi Marsia. There's lots of reasons really - boredom, feeling lonely, trying to block out thoughts... I could go on and on. Anyway, the good news is no wine was drank yesterday or today!
- Thanks Liza. It's a struggle to stay up but I am trying my best.
I've decided to try to focus on my food again and losing weight. The fact that I've stayed relatively stable now for a few months has given me a lift, so I'm going to try tracking here again and see how I go.
Weight - 190.8
Body fat - 44%
BMI - 29.1
Food:
- porridge with milk and goji berries
- boiled egg with black pepper; slice of toast and butter
- french press coffee and milk
- coffee and milk
- slice of homemade blueberry and lemon drizzle cake
- 1 small scone with butter and raspberry jam
- cottage pie, carrots, broccoli
- tea and milk; feel new herbal tea
Cigarettes: (Will fill in tomorrow)
Exercise: None
Notes:
Overall, a good eating day. The extra protein and vegetables mean I am a bit bloated and gassy this evening, as my body tries to adjust to a healthier diet. I'm going to try to go for a run tomorrow, which should help with the stomach issues. The day was good overall - I collected Mum and we went for a drive and a really short walk and her mood was a lot better by the time I was going back to my rented house again. It was nice to spend time with them. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic and I have a few nice things planned this week, so fingers crossed all goes well and I can stick to a healthier diet and get back to 180 very quickly.
- Hi Marsia. There's lots of reasons really - boredom, feeling lonely, trying to block out thoughts... I could go on and on. Anyway, the good news is no wine was drank yesterday or today!
- Thanks Liza. It's a struggle to stay up but I am trying my best.
I've decided to try to focus on my food again and losing weight. The fact that I've stayed relatively stable now for a few months has given me a lift, so I'm going to try tracking here again and see how I go.
Weight - 190.8
Body fat - 44%
BMI - 29.1
Food:
- porridge with milk and goji berries
- boiled egg with black pepper; slice of toast and butter
- french press coffee and milk
- coffee and milk
- slice of homemade blueberry and lemon drizzle cake
- 1 small scone with butter and raspberry jam
- cottage pie, carrots, broccoli
- tea and milk; feel new herbal tea
Cigarettes: (Will fill in tomorrow)
Exercise: None
Notes:
Overall, a good eating day. The extra protein and vegetables mean I am a bit bloated and gassy this evening, as my body tries to adjust to a healthier diet. I'm going to try to go for a run tomorrow, which should help with the stomach issues. The day was good overall - I collected Mum and we went for a drive and a really short walk and her mood was a lot better by the time I was going back to my rented house again. It was nice to spend time with them. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic and I have a few nice things planned this week, so fingers crossed all goes well and I can stick to a healthier diet and get back to 180 very quickly.
Cate
Long term member
"I've decided to try to focus on my food again and losing weight. The fact that I've stayed relatively stable now for a few months has given me a lift, so I'm going to try tracking here again and see how I go."
I think this is an excellent idea, Em. It's just good to focus on something & that can be a distraction from the things that can drag us down. Great you had a lovely time with your Mum & well done on a healthy weekend!
I think this is an excellent idea, Em. It's just good to focus on something & that can be a distraction from the things that can drag us down. Great you had a lovely time with your Mum & well done on a healthy weekend!