Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Hi Marsia. That's a really helpful insight, never heard of that book, must look it up. You have to practice at everything, I feel, even if you are more naturally skilled at it. I've entered a few competitions in the past but I've never really tried. I never really try at anything, hence my lack of progress in any areas of my life. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none, I'm afraid.
- Haha, yes, the academy is back in business this week, Cate! 💃
- Yeah, he's a great dad, Liza.

The weekend has been a bit disappointing, I have to say. I slept a lot today, had some crazy dreams, had to cancel tennis because of the rain, and felt very lethargic and blue for most of the day. I did finish two books this weekend, which I feel is positive, as it means I wasn't on my phone or on Netflix. I love films and TV shows but I do think using your imagination to get immersed in another world is probably better for ze little grey cells overall. :)

This week, the tennis academy is back in full swing. Two hours tomorrow, 3 on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday, 1 on Thursday, and I'm going to ring the cute coach tomorrow to see if I can get a weekend lesson before my match on Sunday. So yeah, I want to be match-fit and ready for action by then. I really want to do well in this tournament - it's the last singles tournament of the season and I would love to get to the final. I have a really good partner lined up for mixed doubles later in August - we got to the final last year, we get on great on the court, so if I do well in both, I go up a grade. But I have to do well in both, as it's my last chance really for this year. I haven't been as dedicated as the last couple of years, but I kind of need something to cling onto at this stage, and tennis is as good a dream as any.

Other than that, I am not really enjoying life very much at the moment. I'm not really the type of person to give up for long but July has been awful in general. I don't feel good, I don't feel as hopeful as I want to. The best way to describe it is that I'm on a life raft but I'm about to run out of water. That's the general vibe. Not cool. I hope to report that the rescue helicopter has arrived soon...
 
Emilyrose said:
- Haha, yes, the academy is back in business this week, Cate! 💃
I did finish two books this weekend, which I feel is positive, as it means I wasn't on my phone or on Netflix. I love films and TV shows but I do think using your imagination to get immersed in another world is probably better for ze little grey cells overall. :)

This week, the tennis academy is back in full swing. Two hours tomorrow, 3 on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday, 1 on Thursday, and I'm going to ring the cute coach tomorrow to see if I can get a weekend lesson before my match on Sunday. So yeah, I want to be match-fit and ready for action by then. I really want to do well in this tournament - it's the last singles tournament of the season and I would love to get to the final. I have a really good partner lined up for mixed doubles later in August - we got to the final last year, we get on great on the court, so if I do well in both, I go up a grade. But I have to do well in both, as it's my last chance really for this year. I haven't been as dedicated as the last couple of years, but I kind of need something to cling onto at this stage, and tennis is as good a dream as any.
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Yay for the Emily Rose Tennis Training Academy! Hope you can get a weekend lesson with the cute coach 🤞 ;)
Emilyrose said:
Other than that, I am not really enjoying life very much at the moment. I'm not really the type of person to give up for long but July has been awful in general. I don't feel good, I don't feel as hopeful as I want to. The best way to describe it is that I'm on a life raft but I'm about to run out of water. That's the general vibe. Not cool. I hope to report that the rescue helicopter has arrived soon...
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July has mostly sucked, but it's mid-winter here & I will be so glad when winter is over. It has rained & rained & rained & is still raining. I'll send you some if you like. Ireland is short of rain isn't it? (I just looked up rain where I think you are & it's almost identical for July). :) I thought yours would be more.
Here's to a better month, Em! I want some sunshine ☀️ 😎
 
Sorry to hear that July's been hard. Sometimes life is just like that isn't it? Hard too when your tennis gets cancelled because of rain.
I hope August will be better for you. And yeah so nice to be getting back to a full on tennis schedule and possible time spent with cute coach :)
 
- I want some sunshine too, Cate. It's been a very wet July, which hasn't helped matters.
- Haha, thanks Liza. Bring on August, I am so done with July!

I had an awful day to cap off what has been a crappy, crappy month. It's mostly been crappy because of my life choices, but today was crappy for external reasons. I didn't get the part. I was really upset when I heard the news. I rang Mum and she was nice about it and very supportive, but still. It's just a shitty feeling when you get rejected.

I also took the day off from work today (an unofficial mental health day, but I just couldn't face it) which means I've made the rest of the week harder for myself. It's like I knew the bad news was coming! Weird. I went into town and had breakfast in a place where you would only be able to get a table in the summer on a Monday morning. It was okay, I wouldn't be rushing back. There are nicer places for breakfast. Then I went to the library and looked for a few Agatha Christie books. I've nearly read all of the ones that the library has in stock! Is that an achievement? Hmm.

Anyway, there was a book resting on its own beside the checkout booth with the title Whose Life Are You Living? Definitely felt like it was sitting there waiting for me to pick it up. So I borrowed it and read the first couple of chapters. It's interesting. Maybe there will be something in it that really clicks with me. Here's hoping. But it was definitely there waiting for me today. I don't think those things are mere coincidence.

I came home then and went for a nap, and before I went for the nap, I said to myself that the email was going to have come in when I woke up with the news of whether I got the part. And, lo and behold, when I woke up a couple of hours later, it had come in. But not with the message that I wanted!

I texted The Cowboy because he was kind of the only person I really discussed going for it with, and at first he didn't even read the message and I was ready to jump off a cliff, but I went to play tennis then, and after the match, he'd read it and left me a lengthy voice note which was quite kind actually, so I won't end it all just yet. There was a sting in the tail in that message about some other saga that's going on which I won't get into, but overall, it cheered me up. At least he's still talking to me! I need some joy in my life. And he definitely can stir that up in me from time to time.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, a new month, and hopefully, things will start to turn around. They just have to. :(
 
Oh, Em. I'm sorry you didn't get the part. I think it was smart to take the day off work to have a mental health care day. When the E R tennis academy is back in full swing things will look up. It's August here now (8.15 am) & I think I see a sliver of blue sky!
 
Oh, that stinks about the part, but glad your intuition was in full swing and you had a day off to process and to hopefully have found a good book that helps. I hope all our Augusts far exceed July. My July was a disaster, too, but the constant rain kept it from being utterly miserably hot beyond reason here. I don't agree about you never trying for anything. You write really well, do well in plays and at work, and you are succeeding at tennis. And you are funny and strong and try new things and are good at appreciating life. So there!
 
- Thanks Cate. Rain here again today and no tennis. The president of the academy is not happy. :D
- Haha, thanks so much Marsia. You have no idea how much I need that kind of a comment today.

Well, today was worse than yesterday, believe it or not. I actually can't believe how bad it was. There was a meeting on Friday that I didn't even write about here because I didn't think anything of it, and loads of people complained me and I got in trouble this morning and it was truly awful. I was really shocked because I didn't realise that I came across so badly and that I'd upset anyone really. There's loads of factors I could go into in my defense, but let's just say, I feel really betrayed by a few people on the team and my trust has been completely shattered. The wind has been completely taken out of my sails. It's been a really low day for me.

So yeah, I came home and all I wanted to do was to buy a bottle of wine and numb myself into a state of stupor so that I didn't have to think about anything. Somehow, I have managed to overcome that urge. I did stare at the floor for a good ten minutes, trying to figure out what to do. But I guess, I still have to go to work tomorrow. It's bad enough going in as things stand, but going in tired and hungover and cranky is definitely not going to help matters. So I fought through and I have managed to stay sober for the evening.

I also made dinner and put on a wash, so there's a real triumph over adversity feeling about the evening. I have smoked nearly a box of cigarettes, but I'm giving myself a pass on that one. It's also pissing rain here again, so my two hours of tennis was cancelled, which would have really helped. I played last night and had such a lovely time during the first hour with one of the ladies. We really had a good session. She's trying to help me prep for the tournament at the weekend, she really was very kind and motivating.

So yeah, I guess there are still positives in my life that I'm clinging to but things are very, very tough at the moment. I hate problems at work. As I was saying, I really do like to keep things running smoothly in there so that there are no issues. But this was kind of a critique of my personality, and while I understand why the complaint was made, I am still really taken aback, because I just had no idea that it was such an issue. Maybe I should just go into full villain mode at this stage, I don't know. Buy a fur coat. Get some red lipstick. Own it. Might be the only solution.
 
So sorry you are having such trouble at work. I always expect people to tell me if they are having trouble with something I am doing, and I would feel betrayed, too, if they brought up issues in a meeting rather than face to face. At least they could have met with you with your boss privately. That sounds like a witch hunt, and I am so happy that you resisted the alcohol and stayed with feeling your feelings instead. I wish I could give you hugs and bring you somewhere sunny to have a tea and a good talk and cry. I hope you don't go all Cruella and play into their narrative. From being married to someone who gets upset and projects his own faults on me, I really am totally sick of people who make other people out to be the bad guy instead of just telling someone if something is bugging them so there can be communication and sharing and psychological growth.

It's weird, my daughter's boyfriend P went through this this week, too - a housemate who gets angry out of the blue at P's behavior instead of just asking for what he wants instead. I think a course on communication skills should be a part of grade school education. People are so bad at just asking for what they want in a respectful way so often.

Anyway, I hope the weather cooperates there and that you are getting out on the court and getting great cathartic exercise! More hugs!!
 
That sounds like a crappy couple of days Emily. Sending you a big hug :grouphug:

Really too bad about not getting the part. I can imagine that would be super disappointing.
And yeah the whole work thing sounds really hard especially coming so unexpected like that.

Very good you didn't resort to wine and did good healthy things for yourself making some dinner, putting on a wash.

I hope your days start looking up!!
 
- Aw, thanks Marsia. I resisted the urge to go full Cruella. I wish so much we could go out for tea together and just have a good cry!! Still, how lovely to be able to connect with people all over the world on here that are kindred spirits of sorts.
- Thanks Liza. Yep, it's been tough, although the work drama has actually completely distracted me from not getting the part, so that's good I guess? Hahaha.

Thank you both for the support, and thank God things turned around completely today. It was a great day! Just goes to show that you really shouldn't ever give up.

Went into work and the girl I was most sad about reporting me made a gargantuan effort to be nice and ask me loads of questions and include me in her day, so she completely won me back. Hahaha. It doesn't take much. But seriously, I really appreciated that she understood that I was out of sorts yesterday and she did her best to smooth things over. So I feel happy again and I think this whole thing will be forgotten about. And actually, it has thrown to light some things that were really bothering me and other members of the team, and my manager definitely understands that, because she sent me an email today saying work assignments were changing slightly for the day. So it was all good and I am very relieved. I'll have to put that fur coat back in storage.

Another good thing was that I had a lovely game of tennis with my new tennis pal Eimear. She's a really nice girl and we're kind of in the same stage of life, so that's great. We had a good game, she just pipped me. I've another hour pencilled in for tomorrow night, so I'm managing to get some good practice in before the match on Sunday.

I listened to a lot of Sinead O'Connor in work today, I really love this one:

 
That's my favorite Sinead song. Nice to sing along to it on your page. I'm so glad things turned around for you today and you can put your Dalmatian coat back in moth balls! I still could go for that tea and a good cry sometime though. Raincheck!
 
Emilyrose said:
Went into work and the girl I was most sad about reporting me made a gargantuan effort to be nice and ask me loads of questions and include me in her day, so she completely won me back. Hahaha. It doesn't take much. But seriously, I really appreciated that she understood that I was out of sorts yesterday and she did her best to smooth things over. So I feel happy again
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That is soooo good to hear! Good for you not holding onto the pain but opening things back up into a good open space. That can be a tough thing to do! And yes, will make your work life lots better anyhow.

Lovely too to have a new tennis buddy that you get on well with.

Really glad things have turned back round for you :)

And thanks for the song...she really is just amazing and beautiful. Her music is just so distinct and wonderful.
 
- Thanks Cate, not to worry! You're always very supportive of me. x
- Yes, that would be lovely, Marsia. You never know!
- Ah yeah, I just don't have the energy to be holding onto things, Liza. I prefer to just forget about stuff if possible. I can't bear people that hold grudges. The times I have properly fallen out with people have been when things have kind of gone past the point of no return and you realise that the relationship is over.

I'm kind of back in the doldrums again today. Well, I drank wine last night, so that explains it! I'm at the point where I just want to drink every day now, which is a very bad place to be in. I feel like I've reverted to feeling like I did for most of my 20s, and that is really not cool. My life feels hopeless and my confidence is really low. I'm in a real slump.

Anyway, I didn't buy wine on the way home from tennis this evening, even though I really, really wanted to. But I didn't. I came home and had a shower instead. Now I'm in bed and it's nearly half ten already and the days are just flying by even though I'm miserable. How fast would time go if I was actually happy? Scary.

Tomorrow will be a case of just trying to trudge through work, of which my enthusiasm is at an all-time low after what happened on Monday. I'm not upset with anyone in the office, I just don't feel like doing anything. It's bad. I'm good at kind of forcing myself to get on with it, but having that sort of a battle going on is not exactly a good thing. I also made the wrong call on something a few weeks ago, and it was spotted today, so I got a shitty email about that, which didn't help. I'll just have to see how I feel tomorrow, I guess.

Tomorrow night will be a massive challenge to not drink wine, but it will really ruin my Saturday if I do. I have a wax appointment at half 9 in the morning, then tennis at 1pm, and then a few of us are having a night out at the theatre. And my match is on Sunday morning, which means I really can't drink Saturday night either, even though I will really want to. I just want to numb, numb, numb. When did I become such a coward? I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed with thoughts and worries and fears about how my life has kind of stalled, and it's all just... too much. I'm also really playing with fire when it comes to my overall health, which is a constant source of stress to me. And like, the solution is there! Right in front of me! Stop drinking and quit smoking and start cooking your food again! But all of those things take discipline and organisation and a complete shift in mindset - basically, it seems like a bridge too far.
 
Oh, Em. Maybe it is time to see someone who might be able to help you get through these times. I know how hard it is to take that step. I know how hard it is to break our bad habits. I really do empathise. I have had depression on & off my whole life. When I recognise that I am getting low again I try to take extra care with my diet, alcohol & exercise. If the day comes that it doesn't go away and/or I feel really low I will get help.
I think you have done well not buying wine after tennis, when you really, really wanted to. Try to take it day by day xoxo
 
I think what Cate wrote is really good to consider. You have so many things going for you, but the smoking and wine which started out as coping mechanisms may now be causing just as much stress as they were meant to soothe. I hope you can get away for a few hours or days soon and do something completely different and fresh to clear your head and reset.
 
I agree with Cate's suggestion for some sort of counselling. Might be worth a go...
Anyways your weekend plans sound great so I hope you will be able to resist the wine!
 
- Thanks Cate. If things don't improve considerably and I don't get my shit together this week, then yes, I will see someone. I hate admitting defeat though.
- Thanks Marsia. I probably do need a holiday but money is tight.
- Thanks Liza. I'll see...

Well, I am currently drinking wine and it's not even 7 o'clock, so that's not great. I'm justifying it to myself because I really can't drink tomorrow if I don't want to completely fuck up my tennis match, and generally I don't want to drink the day after a wine binge. It's not a great excuse but it's all I've got right now.

I really can't wait to get my wax done tomorrow - the wine also provides a numbing for that slightly painful experience. It's easier when you're hungover. Fact! Another justification. Oh dear. But anyway, I can't wait, cos I can whip out my tennis skirts again (I've got a few new ones) and go swimming, which I do think is the key to sorting my mind out. Sitting in the jacuzzi soaking in the hot bubbles is such an antidote to stress. Sometimes people start chatting to you, which I quite enjoy as well. Also, you get to see some attractive half-naked men, which when you're single, is needed sometimes! The human body in the form its meant to be in is truly a work of art.

So anyway, I am looking forward to a better week next week when I have a healthy habit I can take up again to keep me on track.

The book Whose Life Are You Living? is really interesting. It talks about how we all develop a 'shadow self' as a way of protecting ourselves and our 'real self' gets sort of hidden. And a lot of the journey of being a human is figuring out how to get back to that real self again. It's very interesting. It's making me examine why I turn to drugs (I include food in this) to hide away from life's problems. It works as a protective shield. Of course, it's left me absolutely helpless to cope with any sort of adversity I encounter, but the why of it is becoming more clear to me. Smoking allows you to escape from any uncomfortable social scenario whenever you want to. Drinking makes it easier to socialise and deal with those social scenarios.

I'm someone who is excellent when there is a task in front of me and other people are involved - a work project, a game of tennis, anything like that. But just sitting around chatting and not drinking and having to talk about myself and my life and my experiences is not something I find easy to do. I mean, it depends on who I'm with, of course. If I trust them and really like them, it's fine. But if I am not sure of them, I find it hard. I find myself lacking. Anyway, good to start unraveling this shit a little bit and hopefully I will find the key to my escape among all that wool.
 
Seeing someone is not defeat, Em. Definitely not.
I think I'll go order that book you're reading. I think I used to hide the real me for most of the time we were running a pub, but the real me has emerged. That bar also gave me a lot of confidence in social situations. Without in between me & others a lot of that disappeared. Psychology is interesting. I hope you have a really lovely weekend, Em xo
Edit: Who wrote the book, Em? I can't find it in our library search x
 
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I was just listening to a video where the guy said that the source of your pain can not be the source of your healing. I thought of you with trying to overcome stress with drinking and smoking, though these create more stress in some ways. I agree with Cate about maybe finding a support group or something where you can find other people who also want to find better ways of self soothing.

I like how the idea of authenticity is surfacing in the culture a lot now (at least in my daughter's cohort). I think as a culture we have a good opportunity to get back to a more honest, open society where people value each other for who we really are. I really like the more spiritually minded existentialists and how they talked about healing the most damaged places in themselves and how those places turned out to be their greatest strengths when healed. I really struggle with having an authentic relationship with myself. I believed a lot of the negative messages I got from my dad who was a brilliant person, but also violent - he came from a line of rage filled fathers. So now my relationship with myself is based on false beliefs and I need to root these out and face that I am not a helpless person with little resources. The Jungians believe that we are afraid of how powerful we really are as people, and that we sit in the shadows not realizing our potential because of our ambivalence to our real power. But maybe we just assume that all power is bad, but there is the power of compassion, of love, of nurturing, forgiveness, friendship, honesty, truth, creativity, inspiration, ... In comparison to the nasty power-over type power we fear, these are so much stronger.

Anyway, I hope you can do some nice self soothing things that are good for you this weekend and that your match goes really well!
 
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