Emily Rose: The Reboot

Oh yes good to know what would work for you therapy-wise--that made me laugh that if you were in group therapy you would be performing to get others to like you...yes that might not work so much! haha

So great to hear how well the audition went regardless of outcome. (But I do hope you get the part!)
 
- Thanks Cate. You never know with these things but I'm glad that I went for it anyway.
- Glad I made you laugh, Liza! I hope I get the part too.

I'm on a downer today. I feel hopeless and despondent. My weight has stabilised at 190, which is a lot better than 200, but I just want to keep seeing the scales going down now. I really want to be slim again. I just want my confidence back. I do think there is a good body hiding underneath the extra fat. I'm just really, really struggling to stay disciplined. I was okay for a while, but I feel like the black cloud has started to descend again. It was probably there all the time but I was so distracted with stuff, it didn't seem as bad. Sigh. I don't like feeling sorry for myself but this is where I'm at right now.

I'm very demotivated when it comes to work again and I am just dreading another week beginning. At this moment in time, I don't know how I'll get through it. But you just have to, don't go? You just have to keep going.

I also didn't do the chores I wanted to do this weekend, so that is also hanging over me. My housemate is back on Wednesday so I have to get the hoovering done before then, which means I will probably leave it till Tuesday night! But at least it will be done.

I went to see Oppenheimer last night with some friends. The cinema was packed - loads of women dressed in pink for the Barbie film, which was fun. Oppenheimer was brilliant, I'd recommend it, but it's 3 hours long and takes full concentration, so don't go to it tired! I got a small popcorn so didn't go too crazy on the snacks.

I guess I just have to remember that tomorrow is a new day. I had to transfer some money from my savings which won't get into my account until Tuesday night, which means I am broke and can't afford to buy cigarettes, so I'm kind of forcing myself into two smoke-free days, which is a good thing. The wanting to quit but not knowing how is another black cloud over my head constantly. I just need to break out of this cycle. It's all so overwhelming to me right now. :(
 
Yes I do hope you wake feeling better as well...
Hopefully once the week begins things will feel better. I find for me it's more often the looking ahead with dread that gets me down...
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Hi Liza, you're actually right, I felt more able for things today.

I woke up this morning feeling less tired than I thought I would, as I didn't go to bed too early. I recognised the fact that my room being so dirty was the main thing that was getting me down, so I cleaned it up at lunchtime and did some hoovering. I felt much better afterwards. I also put on a wash and emptied the dishwasher, so the house is in a lot better order in general.

Work wasn't great - my head just wasn't it at all, but I've decided to give myself a pass. I'm hopeful that tomorrow I will be able to just get stuck in.

I played a game of singles after work, which was a good workout. I'm not crazy about the woman I played against - she's grand, she's just very self-contained and doesn't really laugh too much. We're just very different. But the tennis itself was enjoyable. She won but I had some nice shots. I really need to get back into running, as that would help my singles game so much.

I had two boiled eggs for breakfast and two turkey burgers for lunch, because they were about to go off, so I have eaten loads of protein today, which makes a massive difference to my mood also. Dinner has been a cake and pringles - not so good, but at least I had two good meals today. I'll try for 3 tomorrow.

The plan for tomorrow is to get up and go for a run, because I have a presentation to do in the morning that often leads to tough questions, and I will be a lot more relaxed and up for it if I exercise beforehand. It just means that I have to try to go to bed early tonight. I'm playing tennis tomorrow after work again, so that should also be good. I've booked in a wax for Saturday so that I can get back into swimming again. I just need to up my activity levels because I feel so down. Exercise and having to get up off the couch for a swim or a class or whatever makes me feel better. It doesn't change anything but it just helps me get to the next day without suffering from abject despair.

I think when I know about the audition, I will feel a lot better. Obviously, I won't feel as good if I don't get it, but I'd least I'll have an idea of how the next few months are looking. I don't like being in a period of uncertainty like this.
 
Glad to hear you're feeling better. Cleaning my place always makes me feel better too as well as exercise. Sounds like you have lots of great activity planned!
 
Hi Em! It's nice visiting your diary again! Thanks for the Oppenheimer recommendation. We need an intense outing like that, I think, so sounds perfect. Hoping you get the part, too, and glad to hear you are keeping up on tennis and starting up swimming. I am really affected by lack of protein, too, and I also need to clean so I feel on top of things again. Good luck with your presentation, and hugs!
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Liza. The clean-up definitely helped. I even made my bed this morning!!
- Aw Marsia, thank you. So sorry to hear you are going through such a tough and stressful time. Oppenheimer will definitely take your mind off things for 3 hours!

I am a crabby, crabby bitch today. I haven't been like this in a while, but the anger is just simmering away and I can't contain it.

I had tennis, which is normally a place of positivity for me, but tonight it just wasn't. The first hour was fine - got on well with the ladies, no issues really. Had a few mean thoughts about one of them for reasons I can't even explain - but yes, bitchy Emily Rose was in full flight. I didn't verbalise these thoughts, thank Christ.

Hour two was a different kettle of fish. So, one of the ladies I was playing with in the first hour has lost a lot of weight recently. Like, maybe 40 pounds, a really noticeable and substantial amount of weight. So one of the women who hasn't seen in her in a while made a comment that she felt like she needed to be reintroduced when she saw her, and then turned to me and was like, 'Oh, you've lost a lot of weight as well, Emily', to which I looked away and said it was 'stress.' I just hate comments on my weight so much. Anyway, my regular tennis partner then went into all-out gossip mode about the woman who had lost all the weight with the other woman that was making the comments and I was just triggered. Because they weren't saying it in a 'good for her' kind of way, it was in such a small-minded, judgey and pathetic way. At least that's how it felt to me.

So I proceeded to be really hard on my tennis partner for the evening, which was a bit unnecessary and I'm not proud of myself for that. But I just saw a really unattractive side of her so I showed my most pathetic side in retaliation. Ugh. I don't want to fall out with her, I just didn't like it at all.

Anyway, it's done now. We're playing again on Sunday and I really hope this horrible mood is gone by then. I really can be a nasty piece of work. Food today was abysmal (pizza and a packet for biscuits for lunch) but I made a healthy risotto for dinner and will try again tomorrow. Sigh. I understand the smallness of the day I've just had and I hate it. I hate how small my life has become. That's the thing that's really bothering me tonight.
 
Oh, Em. I can understand your feeling of wanting to lash out at nastiness. We women should lift one another up. Why are some women so downright mean, instead of being supportive of one another?
 
Uck, I second what Cate says. Who would take something so nice as losing weight and make it catty or gossipy?! I also can get into a mood and watch myself react without being able to pause and be more calm about things. I know that judging myself afterwards does make it worse though because being ashamed makes me go even more unconscious. I am working on forgiving myself for my shortcomings a lot lately. I hope your mood lifts soon and that you can start over fresh. More hugs!
 
Yes totally sucks when people tear each other down! And hard sometimes to address that sort of thing in a calm and healthy way especially when you're taken by surprise by it.

Anyways never fun to feel like a crabby bitch (i may have had a few moments like that in my life as well....hahahahah) so I hope you're back feeling better by now.
 
- Yeah, generally they are nice women Cate, I just know my tennis partner doesn't like the other lady, for some reason. Anyway, it's done now.
- Thanks Marsia. I feel a bit better today. 🤗
- Hahaha, glad I'm not the only one, Liza! ;)

Today I spent the whole day by myself and it was kind of glorious. I was feeling a bit lonely on Monday and Tuesday but I really just got into it today. One thing I really like about working from home is that I can talk out loud to myself and sing along to Spotify or whatever I want really. There's a nice sense of freedom and relaxation when you can work like that. I also got a bit more done today, which was also important. Tomorrow I was meant to be in the office but we're getting new furniture in so it's better for me to stay home. I don't mind. I have some tasks to do that are kind of easier to do at home anyway.

I'm cooking my risotto for dinner again tonight. It was genuinely so, so tasty last night. I don't make it with any cream but I add sun-dried tomatoes, a stock cube and miso paste to give it flavour. Really, really good. I added a baby potato today also.

I started watching Break Point on Netflix. It follows all the up-and-coming tennis players around for a year. I am obsessed, watched 5 episodes over the last couple of nights. I think my favourite so far is Ons Jabeur and my favourite to look at is Matteo Berrettini. :D Well worth a watch, even if you're not a tennis head.

Not much else to talk about really. I hoovered the rest of the house this evening. It's a pleasure walking up and down the stairs again. I'm definitely getting into having the place a bit more neat and tidy in general. I'll never be a clean nut or a gourmet chef, but hey, it's all progress.

Goodnight all. Just heard the news that Sinead O'Connor died. It's a bit of shock.
 
Working at home for a while makes for a change, Em. Good for you getting stuck into some more housework. I have been slack lately with ours.
I was singing at the top of my voice to Spotify on my way to golf yesterday- "I am woman, hear me roar!" I didn't let anyone bother me.
I didn't know that Sinead O'Connor had died. What a voice. Nothing compares...
 
Your risotto dinner sounds delectable! Sounds like a really good day singing along and getting stuff accomplished. I love productive days by myself, too. I love reading your diary when you are content. You write about things in a way where your mood is contagious!
 
Yes nice to hear you back up again :)
And very nice to enjoy some alone time.
I've been reading up and learning a lot more about Sinead O'Connor since I learned about her death. Very interesting life.I liked her music way back but never knew much about her...
 
- Hi Cate. Yes, very sad about Sinead O'Connor. Beautiful singer, very tragic life.
- Haha, thanks Marsia. I wish I was always content!! But that's lovely to hear, thanks.
- Hi Liza. Yes, the Irish media's approach to her now that she's dead is quite interesting. She's been exalted and ridiculed on numerous occasions throughout the years. She had, I believe, a very sad life, but she was a fantastic singer.

I tried to post an entry here last night but the site crashed, so it wasn't to be. I called home last night, and my dad had noted this short story competition I should try to enter, as they have a beginners section for people that have never been published before, and he was telling me to go for it. I was watching Break Point tonight, I absolutely adore Ajla Tomljanovic, it was the episode where she beat Serena Williams in the US Open. And the relationship she has with her dad reminds me of the relationship I have with mine. Just someone always gunning for you, but someone that doesn't lie to you either, that's a really special thing.

Anyway, I haven't tried to write anything in a while, except for writing here, which I think is important. But the idea of writing a short story feels kind of daunting. I feel like I've created a kind of purgatory situation for myself on this planet and that really makes me sad. I was worrying about something today when I was in the office, and I started thinking to myself, 'Who are you fighting? What is this all about? Why are you going against the flow of life?' :( It's very sad and horribly draining to do that. I'm definitely not a chilled person but this week, I have literally nothing to be going crazy over, and yet it feels like I'm swimming against the current when I'm actually just sitting at my desk.

A colleague had a mini-crisis today where they made a mistake on something and they rang me to try to help them figure out what went wrong. We figured it out and I think, while I have a no-nonsense approach to work and operate like an army general when it comes to tasks, I was able to provide them with a bit of comfort. My colleague was like, 'You never make mistakes'. I had to laugh at that. She says that to a smoker! I'm making a mistake every hour!!! :D

But, I guess I am fairly self-disciplined when it comes to the job, I have the whole thing organised and working really well. I can do that if someone else is depending on me. The rest of my life is just chaos. But I guess it got me thinking if I applied that same attitude to my personal life, I could really make something of myself. It's not so easy though, is it? Maybe we only have the capacity to be really diligent in a few areas of our lives. I don't know. I guess being competent at the one where I am kept alive with money is a good skill to have. As much as I want to be an 'artist', whether that be in writing or acting or music, I definitely don't want to be a starving one.

No news on the audition yet. I'm also playing a tennis tournament next week, I'm the number two seed. Hahaha. How ridiculous. But I have a lot of practice set up for next week because I really want to play well. Break Point is giving me all sorts of hope. But yes, kind of living in a waiting room right now - When will I be playing? Did I get the part? Checking my phone every 5 minutes. Annoying.
 
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I like all your insights - how you realized that you are still in fight mode and that you don't need to be, how weird it is that we can be successful in an area of life and not know how to transfer that to another area (something I am constantly flummoxed by), how great it is to have someone honest encouraging you along, ... I love hearing about your relationship with your dad. It's so annoying having a few things you are waiting on and somehow not being able to get out of waiting mode. I'm doing that with a bunch of legal agreements - having no way to make plans because I don't know a bunch of outcomes.

I'm trying to do nice things to get my attention back into the present to combat this. One nice thing we are doing is reading and doing writing exercises from Writing Down the Bones. I just read something in that about how when her writing students decide they are going to write the Great American Novel, they inevitably freak themselves out, and never write again. She really emphasizes practicing writing and just treating it like practicing a sport - you just put the time in and let the process unfold in it's own time. We are just starting doing freewriting exercises and learning to be ok with whatever comes out or doesn't come out well.
 
Oh I hope you enter the short story comp. Such a great sounding relationship with your dad--lovely to hear!
 
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