Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Liza. Not quite there yet, but I'm trying.

Day 2 - Tennis in the Sunshine
Weight today was 190.1 lbs and 43.9% body fat. One down, one up.

I actually smoked 17 cigarettes yesterday cos I couldn't get to sleep for ages. Terrible. I'm on 13 so far today, but the goal is to smoke less than yesterday, so I should achieve that I think. Baby, baby steps.

Food was as follows:
- coffee and milk; oat bran with goji berries, almonds and milk
- flat white, fry's chocolate cream bar 49 g, mandarin, mi wadi orange
- steak burger with fried mushrooms and red peppers, broccoli, spinach and 3 baby potatoes
- natural yoghurt with mulberries and walnuts; coffee and milk
- can of fanta lemon, small tub of pringles salt and vinegar
- turkey, coleslaw, cheese and tomato wrap

Food got a bit chaotic - buying wraps from the shop is not part of the plan, but I am happy that I cooked my dinner at lunchtime and definitely got all my nutrients in. I played tennis for 3 hours this evening, which was great. The cute coach was there, remember him? He gave me a friendly greeting and flashed a flirty grin, so all is not lost! Hahaha.

I have a busy day of meetings tomorrow and I didn't get through as much as I needed to today, so I really have to knuckle down. Was tempted to buy wine this evening but I managed to say no to myself.

Today's tarot card was the Knight of Cups:
The knight of cups represents your ability to handle situations at work with tact and grace. You are particularly diplomatic right now. You are able to resolve issues with creative solutions, as well as your emotional connection and awareness of others.

Had a tricky but positive meeting in work today, so I feel like the above applies perfectly. All in all, a good day. Tomorrow, I will make the same dinner and breakfast and probably go for eggs again at lunchtime. Exercise will either be a long walk or a run, I'll see where the wind takes me.

 

[liza3]

Your food and exercise sounds great Emily. Good luck with fewer cigarettes than the day before!

 

[Cate]

- Thanks Cate.
I actually smoked 17 cigarettes yesterday cos I couldn't get to sleep for ages. Terrible. I'm on 13 so far today, but the goal is to smoke less than yesterday, so I should achieve that I think. Baby, baby steps.

Such a hard drug to give up!

Food got a bit chaotic - buying wraps from the shop is not part of the plan, but I am happy that I cooked my dinner at lunchtime and definitely got all my nutrients in.

I played tennis for 3 hours this evening, which was great. The cute coach was there, remember him? He gave me a friendly greeting and flashed a flirty grin, so all is not lost! Hahaha.

Woot!

I have a busy day of meetings tomorrow and I didn't get through as much as I needed to today, so I really have to knuckle down. Was tempted to buy wine this evening but I managed to say no to myself.

Today's tarot card was the Knight of Cups:
The knight of cups represents your ability to handle situations at work with tact and grace. You are particularly diplomatic right now. You are able to resolve issues with creative solutions, as well as your emotional connection and awareness of others.

Had a tricky but positive meeting in work today, so I feel like the above applies perfectly. All in all, a good day.

Sounds like a pretty good day, Em.

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Liza and Cate.

Things have gone off the boil a bit. Back on the wine, feel like crap. Haven't managed to quit the cigarettes. I'm under pressure to do so now because I have to sing at something during the week and my voice is just so croaky and dried out. So I am giving myself this evening to smoke and then I really have to throw them in the bin and stop this madness.

Ended up having a lengthy text conversation with The Cowboy during the week, which we've actually never done before. So that was... thrilling, to be honest. Even though I shouldn't really say that. I instigated it because there was this kind of mad coincidental thing posted online that made me think of him, and then he left me a message to say it seemed like the Universe calling when he saw it, and it was even more like the Universe when I messaged him about it. There we go with the ol' Universe again, eh? Very strange, to be honest. We haven't had a conversation like that before. Then I spent an hour laughing because he's so ridiculous. Hahaha. He makes me laugh so much.

Anyway, I have to put him out of my mind again, because I have my own stuff to work through and get in order right now. The drinking has really escalated - was drinking wine for no reason when I texted him - he was also drinking at home - so we are a right fucking pair. Then I had a night out last night - more drinks - feel terrible today, and yet more drinks tonight. I'm definitely going through something and I know what I have to do to fix things. I have this horrible, uncomfortable, empty feeling a lot of the time that I can't seem to sit with. I know it won't go away until I face it, instead of numbing with cigarettes, alcohol and food. I've talked about that here before. I've been aware of what I'm doing for a long time now.

The interesting thing is that I really have made a lot of strides on a personal level and I do feel like I am a kinder person now than I used to be. But I still haven't faced these demons. Anyway, going to watch Unfaithful now and finish my wine and go to sleep and start all over again tomorrow.

 

[liza3]

Sounds like quite a time Emily. I think that's great that you can see a lot of the strides you have made already. Change is gradual. And layered. And on-going. And challenging...
Keep putting those positives in place and putting one foot in front of the other. We all have times when we slip back into our old ways of doing things but all we can do, I think, is stop and begin again.

 

[alligatorob]

Back on the wine, feel like crap. Haven't managed to quit the cigarettes.

Hey Emily, you can do this, I know you can!! Today is mostly done, what matters is tomorrow.

seemed like the Universe calling

When the Universe calls we are wise to pay attention. Just so the Universe doesn't ask for your bank account number or money that is.

Anyway, I have to put him out of my mind again, because I have my own stuff to work through and get in order right now.

Have you ever met or gone out with the Cowboy? If not, why not? Don't wait too long, for people like us, actually for most people we never do get things "in order". Not the way we imagine they should be. Life goes on anyway, try not to miss out on things girl!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks so much for the support, Liza. I needed that! x

When the Universe calls we are wise to pay attention. Just so the Universe doesn't ask for your bank account number or money that is.

- Haha, that made me laugh, Rob. I know The Cowboy in real life, he's not an option and I shouldn't really be texting him at all, to be honest, as it just makes the whole thing worse. Sigh. Anyway.

Feeling like a bag of shit today - no surprise there. Just drained really. I only smoked 3 cigarettes today and I have thrown the box away, so that's a positive step for tomorrow. The singing thing is on Thursday, so my goal is just to get to Thursday without smoking. If I want to smoke straight after the singing thing, I can. I just hope I won't want to.

Putting more of a positive spin on the day, I went to the shopping centre today to get brunch and go to the library. I was actually planning on having a pesto chicken toastie and chips, which is obviously more of a calorific option, but I went for 2 poached eggs, bacon and mashed avocado on one slice of toast instead, which was definitely a better option. It was tasty. I ordered food in tonight as I have no energy - was going to get pizza, ended up getting pasta with chicken and mushroom, and tiramisu for dessert. Definitely a better, more nutritious option that the pizza. So those were two mini-wins.

Anyway, before I went off to the shopping centre, I tried on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in ages. They fit! Not perfectly enough to wear - still a bit snug, but they buttoned up fine. My stomach is finally a bit smaller! To be honest, today was the first day where I felt like I've visibly lost weight. The jeans I did wear felt a lot tighter when I wore them last, I wore a fitted t-shirt and I definitely thought I looked in the best shape I have in a long time. So that was great! Even though I felt so flat and low.

That was kind of all I could manage for the day. I was alone all day today. Kind of lonely. Felt bad about myself for quite a lot of it. But I had a few naps and I should be right as rain tomorrow again. Tomorrow will be a more positive day - tennis at 1pm, then home to my parents to watch the Wimbledon final and have dinner with them. I'm not really sure who I want to win, but would love a 5-setter epic battle.

That's it for now.

 

[alligatorob]

I tried on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in ages. They fit! Not perfectly enough to wear - still a bit snug, but they buttoned up fine. My stomach is finally a bit smaller! To be honest, today was the first day where I felt like I've visibly lost weight. The jeans I did wear felt a lot tighter when I wore them last, I wore a fitted t-shirt and I definitely thought I looked in the best shape I have in a long time. So that was great!

That is good news, and I am sure you felt good about it, you should!

Haha, that made me laugh, Rob. I know The Cowboy in real life, he's not an option and I shouldn't really be texting him at all, to be honest, as it just makes the whole thing worse. Sigh. Anyway.

Nothing wrong with platonic friends, never have enough of those.

Good luck with the cigarettes, I'm pulling for you!

 

[liza3]

Excellent to find those positives--jeans fitting, good food choices, throwing out the cigarettes!
Glad you have a nice plan for today with tennis, and a visit to your parents.

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Rob and Liza. x

I did have a good day. Watched the whole Wimbledon final, more or less. My dad was crying during Djokovic's speech. He's not even a Djokovic fan. Lol. That kind of tells you everything you need to know about how I turned out so emotional and dramatic. My mum and I were just laughing.

The week ahead should be interesting, rather than one filled with dread! I also got into a tournament last minute yesterday, which was a stroke of luck. I didn't manage to not smoke today (double negative!), but I practiced my song, and it didn't sound completely dreadful. I will destroy the rest of the pack tonight and tomorrow I won't have money until the late evening, so I will be forced to not smoke for the day, which I really need to do. All is not lost, but a couple of days off them completely will definitely help.

My life is definitely in an interesting atmosphere this year. That's how I would describe it. The air feels slightly different.

I met the old man back on the road again. 'Still carrying them, eh?' He indicated the bag on my back.
'Still carrying them', I replied, with a slightly tight smile. I wasn't in the mood.
'I get the sense that you've started looking for someone to help you carry them, as opposed to dropping them altogether. Would I be correct in that assumption?'
I was a bit embarrassed. 'Maybe.'
He chuckled. Then he took my hand and looked at me sincerely. 'That would be a mistake. And, it would be wise to remember, that someone lugging around a bag of rocks even bigger than yours cannot be of much assistance to you.'
I nodded. He reached over and took the bag off my back. 'How does that feel?'
'Great. Fantastic. Like freedom.'
He put the bag on his back. 'I can help you because I don't have a bag myself. You can only help him if you find the river and dump those rocks, like I told you to do.'
I nodded again. He smiled and we walked on a little further, and for a time, I was free.

 

[liza3]

Lovely piece of writing. Hope you find your freedom soon!

Your family all sound so lovely. Glad you all had a nice day together, tears and all, watching the tennis.

 

[Cate]

I loved the old man story in your last post. Getting rid of those rocks on your own, rather than hooking up with someone who has his own heavy bag sounds like the best solution. You're working on it, Em, Good for you, xoxo

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, thanks Liza. I do think I am very lucky with the family I got.
- Thanks Cate. I'm trying my best.

Well! You know what? I have the house to myself for a couple of weeks and I realised tonight just how much I needed this. I actually had the best fun by myself for an hour there that I've had for a long time. I had completely forgotten how much fun I had entertaining myself as a child, and I guess I got a little window of opportunity this evening with an empty house. I could just be free.

I have an audition on Thursday so I was practicing the song I have to learn for it - it's such a joyful song. I did a half hour vocal warm-up I found on youtube and then I sang the song a few times. Then I recorded myself singing the song. Barbra Streisand I am not but it was passable and I looked at myself 'performing' it in the mirror and you know what? I think I have a certain amount of charm. It's actually been great for me to get to audition people for small shows we've done in the past, because where I've realised I have gone wrong in all those auditions of yester-year is the attitude. Attitude is key. I was so worried about being 'good' that I forgot to enjoy myself. And if you're not enjoying yourself, no one is going to enjoy watching you.

So anyway, my main thing for the audition on Thursday is just to enjoy myself. Dance like no one is watching and all that.

But yes, having the place to myself gives me so much headspace. You just can't be as free when other people are around. I can't anyway. Maybe that is something I should work on.

I did laugh because some of the noises I was making during the youtube vocal exercises were truly horrendous, and I had to go out to the car at one point, and my 20-something neighbour, who I'm fairly sure has the room next to mine, was outside warming up to go for a run. He was friendly and said hello, but I'm convinced it was my warbling that pushed him out of the house! Hahaha. Anyway, he's nice and I don't care too much.

I did a big shop tonight and got some lovely food so going to try to eat well tomorrow. I cooked a super-healthy dinner last night but tonight I just had chocolate and tortilla chips with pesto hummus for dinner, which was tasty but not exactly good for me. In my defence, the pack of tortilla chips were only 80 cents and now thankfully, they are demolished. I won't be getting them again for a while.

 

[Cate]

I have an audition on Thursday so I was practicing the song I have to learn for it - it's such a joyful song. I did a half hour vocal warm-up I found on youtube and then I sang the song a few times. Then I recorded myself singing the song. Barbra Streisand I am not but it was pass
I did laugh because some of the noises I was making during the youtube vocal exercises were truly horrendous, and I had to go out to the car at one point, and my 20-something neighbour, who I'm fairly sure has the room next to mine, was outside warming up to go for a run. He was friendly and said hello, but I'm convinced it was my warbling that pushed him out of the house! Hahaha. Anyway, he's nice and I don't care too much.

That did make me laugh

 

[liza3]

Oh yes--so lovely to have the house to yourself! I love the sound of your practice session so much. And yeah absolutely about bringing joy to the audition! Sounds like a really great day
I like to think your singing brought some joy to that runner and that he carried it with him on his run

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, thanks Cate.
- Hmm, not sure about that, Liza.

Today was an okay day. I'm feeling a bit down. I made out a little timetable today of my life over the coming months and I realised that if I don't get a part in this thing tomorrow, there will be a massive void in my life. There is another thing coming up, but it's a lot of work, and I'd just like to be in something, as opposed to organising it. Hmm. I don't know. I guess it's a case of just continuing to kick the can down the road.

But yes, the void. It's been with me for a while. I was reading something on Quora this morning about repressed trauma and I suffer from a lot of the symptoms in the 'freeze/flight' response and a few from the 'fight' response. But there were so many of them, and I was thinking to myself that surely a lot of people suffer from at least some of these things? Anyway, it got me feeling bad about myself, so I looked up some CBT therapists in my area this morning in work. None of them looked like people I would want to share anything about myself with. So I scrapped that idea.

I'm drowning a little bit, I have to say. I really hope tomorrow goes well. See, there I go putting all my self-worth into something external again, which is the very problem I'm trying to overcome. I was thinking about an upsetting incident from my past this evening, and actually, I think I came out of it as showing myself to have real character. I'm happy with how I conducted myself in that scenario. But yeah, what's the point in mulling over this stuff anymore? What's the point in any of it?

I think I've been having an existential crisis since I knew what an existential crisis was. I think the thing I read on Quora this morning rang quite true. And I can't think myself out of it. I don't know why I think I can. I keep waiting for a switch to go off and for me to be happy. People always say that's not how life works and that really annoys me. Who says life has to work like that and be this horrible struggle and adulthood is so tough and all of that? I feel like this misery just pervades everybody's existence and creates this murky feeling and it really gets me down. I mean, when you're a child, you think being an adult is the coolest thing in the world. You get to make all the decisions! You get to decide what to eat, buy, watch, where to go, how to spend a lazy Sunday... Children have it right! But then you get there and it's like.. why the fuck am I not happy? I can do anything I want with my time! And I really can, because I don't have any responsibilities aside from work and visiting my parents on occasion. And yet, I am frozen. Frozen in this unhappy, wanting place of lack, when really, I have all the abundance of the world at my fingertips...

Yep, that's where I am tonight.

 

[Cate]

I do think finding a CBT practitioner might really help you. I know it did me a long time ago. If I had seen a photo online of what she looked like I may have thought that she would not have been a good fit, but she was excellent. I often think back to the strategies she helped me with. I became a lot more self-confident & stopped living in my sister's shadow. I have since seen two psychs, one who was very helpful, but has since retired & another guy who I liked but could not open up to. It is worth a try, Em. It really is.
I really home your audition goes well. It sounds like fun! Singing is SO good for you.

 

[liza3]

Sorry to hear you are having a bit of a rough time, Emily. I hope the audition goes well and gives you a boost, even if it is better if we don't need the externals to give us a good sense of self-worth.
Good counsellors can be hard to find. My favorite counselling sessions have been group sessions as I really liked connecting with others in a similar boat to me. I always thought I would hate group therapy but it really was the best. People just so real with each other. The ones I liked the most were CBT-based where we were all working through similar stuff together.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. If I don't get my shit together soon, I will definitely look into it. Next paycheck.
- Thanks Liza. The idea of group therapy doesn't suit me at all - I'm a natural performer and I will just start saying things to get people to like me. Not helpful! But one-to-one where I can unpeel the layers might be good. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go.

Had a fantastic evening! I think it went really well. My singing wasn't very good at all but I thought I did well at the read-through section of the evening. AND - I got a compliment on my hair of all things, my biggest concern at the moment, from one of the women that was there that I know from other acting things. She said my hair was a lovely colour. It did look quite well tonight I thought, as my hair goes. So that gave me a bit of a boost. I have been taking my hair tablets religiously, so maybe they're working? Hopefully...

The Cowboy is doing my head in. After we had our text conversation, he left me a voice note the following day asking me something. I replied, also through voice note, and you know what? He hasn't even listened to it! I mean, how is that even humanly possible? So yeah, that is killing me. I know, I know, forget about him, he doesn't care, blah blah. Of course. But still, it's very annoying.

Tomorrow I am meant to be meeting up with an old friend who is back from living abroad, but he has not confirmed yet, which is also incredibly annoying, because another friend has free tickets to an outdoor concert, which I would love to go to, but I don't know if I am meeting up with the other friend or not. Men, huh? A shower of bastards, the lot of them! Hahaha.

Just one more day of work to suffer through and then it's the weekend. Have some tennis watching and playing planned for Saturday and Sunday and I really need to do some hoovering and ironing. Might go to the cinema for either Barbie or Oppenheimer also, depends.

I'm really on a high after my evening. Even if I don't get a part, I'm really happy with how it went. I wasn't obnoxiously confident but I felt I did well and I felt as comfortable as I've ever felt in that kind of scenario. Could I finally be getting more comfortable in my own skin? Jesus, I hope so.

 

[Cate]

I'm really glad that the audition seemed to go well & was lots of fun, Em!