Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Yeah, he definitely does, Cate. He's still pottering around though so it's all good.
- Yes, I am an only child, Liza. I appreciate them more and more as time goes on. They are really good people.
- Thanks Alexis. Me too!!

Played some Friday night tennis, which was really great. I played a singles game - lost but I played pretty well - and then we had a bit of doubles with two of the ladies on the court beside us before finishing up. It was really fun. And despite feeling like a gigantic blob, I was able to move fine and still hit the ball mostly well. I'm really down about my appearance lately so it's great to realise that all of the dramatic thoughts I'm having in my mind are mostly bullshit. Some are true, unfortunately, but there really is hope. It actually wouldn't take that much effort to lose the first 20 pounds. I think that's probably the most frustrating thing about this whole mess.

Anyway, let's not go down the well-worn path of self-reproach. I've got better things to do with my time! I'm setting myself mini-goals to prep myself physically and mentally for quitting smoking in the New Year. So tomorrow and Sunday, I will not smoke. I can puff away when I go back to work on Monday, but I'm off again on Thursday and Friday, and I will try to quit for the following four days. There is a party in the middle of that weekend that I will allow myself to smoke at, but I still think it is a good and doable challenge. Then I have the 17 days off to work on stopping for good. I feel mildly hopeful. I don't want another year of cigarettes. I want them out of my life forever.

I also have so many jobs that I have put off doing to try to get through. My list as it stands:
- Renew driver's license
- Book NCT
- Fix car radio
- Hoover room and house
- Put new duvet on bed
- Catch up on washing
- Ring dentist to cancel appointment next week (clashes with tennis)
- Hoover car
- Buy baby present for friend
- Cancel tennis booking for tomorrow

I'm sure there's other stuff but that's the main stuff that's bobbing to the surface. Let's see if I can tick a few off this week.
 
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I'm glad you had a good match, Em. Tennis is definitely so good for you. I'm looking forward to my next game of golf. I find that being hard on ourselves doesn't help us to do something positive about it. The more self-critical I am the more self-destructive my behaviour is.
Ticking some stuff off that list will make you feel better.
 
Making out a list always makes things feel so much more manageable to me. And I love crossing things off it!
Nice about getting some good tennis time in! And best of luck with the smoking--it took me quite a few tries before I was finally able to be done with them for good--I have no doubt that you can do the same because the desire to do so is obviously there and I think that's one of the most important things.
 
- I think you're right about being self-critical, Cate.
- Thanks Liza. I really hope so.

No cigarettes or alcohol today! :hurray: I did eat a lot of sugar and processed food, but whatevs. I think I'll be able to stick to the no smoking for tomorrow also. I am experiencing a few minor cravings this evening but I'm tired, so they are easier to resist. Tomorrow might be a different story, but it's only for one day, so I hope that will keep me going.

I think the tennis last night has encouraged me to keep moving and I did a yoga video for the first time since July today and also went for a run, so I was delighted with that. I'm really going to try to make both part of a daily routine. Well, the yoga anyway. It's so good to stretch and do downward dogs and all that good stuff.

I bought the baby present for my friend today - shops were really busy, so I didn't hang around too long. I went home and watched the Argentina vs. Mexico game. I was so happy for Messi! Love him. I'm not massively into soccer but I do enjoy the World Cup.

I'm going to try to get up for a short 3k run in the morning, then go meet my friend, then home for dinner (Irish stew - always nice), then tennis, and then unfortunately the weekend is nearly over. The weather was terrible today, rained all day, but tomorrow is meant to be nice again. I managed to get a wash put on also, so that was also good.

I watched a good film last night called The Wonder, set just after the potato famine in Ireland. I'd recommend it. Lots of good Irish actors and Florence Pugh is always excellent. I won't be watching anything tonight, just hoping I go to sleep quickly. I woke up at 7am and did not go back to sleep again, which is really annoying. So I need to catch up.
 
Emilyrose said:
No cigarettes or alcohol today! :hurray: I
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:party:
Emilyrose said:
I did a yoga video for the first time since July today and also went for a run, so I was delighted with that. I'm really going to try to make both part of a daily routine. Well, the yoga anyway. It's so good to stretch and do downward dogs and all that good stuff.
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very cool! I love both yoga and qi gong. It feels so good! I am trying to include that as part of my stretch and strength routine...
Emilyrose said:
I'm going to try to get up for a short 3k run in the morning, then go meet my friend, then home for dinner (Irish stew - always nice), then tennis
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Oh that sounds like such a great plan for the day! Hope it goes well.
 
Thanks Liza!

No alcohol today even though I was really tempted this evening but the fact that I am giving blood tomorrow and need to be hydrated put me off. It's just gone 6pm and I kind of have nothing to do for the rest of the night, which is a huge trigger for me. I'll just have to make do with a cup of tea. I'll probably put on a film as well.

I met my friend, which was really nice and she gave me a bunch of flowers. I also met her new baby, who was super cute and smiling at me. It was a lovely catch-up. And luckily I bought a little dress for the baby yesterday.

My parents got the benefit of the flowers which was fine by me. We have a nice place for them in the hall. I watched an episode of Girls while they were at mass and we had dinner while the Morocco vs Belgium game played in the background. I was super-happy for Morocco. We had blackberry and apple crumble for dessert with some ice cream and cream.

I went to tennis then - played okay, but the rain kept interrupting the flow of the game, so it was a bit annoying. I liked the people I was playing with, so that was good. I have a few matches lined up again for this week.

So yeah. That's it. A bit of a lazy Sunday. I had an excellent sleep last night and will definitely be asleep early again tonight, so it's great to finally get a chance to regenerate a bit. My friend said I looked the same. Hahaha. Best compliment I could get at this stage. I do feel I look a bit fresher than I have been recently. The run and yoga yesterday definitely helped.

Contemplating getting up for a run in the morning, but I just had a shower, so I probably won't. I will definitely try to do a couple of yoga videos tomorrow, and along with donating blood, I would be happy enough with that.
 
Emilyrose said:
I met my friend, which was really nice and she gave me a bunch of flowers. I also met her new baby, who was super cute and smiling at me. It was a lovely catch-up. And luckily I bought a little dress for the baby yesterday.
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Sounds like a lovely meet up :)
 
- About once a year, Rob, so I guess I could increase that a bit.
- Haha, yes, all sweetness and light yesterday, Cate.
- It was great Liza. I'm glad I reached out to her again.

Today was a bit of a 'Bah! Humbug!' day. Work didn't go well for various reasons. Even though I had a fantastic sleep last night, I let the pressure get to me. It was very annoying. I want to stay calm and cool but at the same time, I want other people to wake up a bit and do their job properly. It's very frustrating.

I came home after emptying the dishwasher this morning that my housemate puts on but never bothers to empty herself and I see the dishes all piled up again and not put away, after having cleared those this morning as well. So I left the place lovely and tidy this morning, and I come home to find it in a fucking mess yet again.

I didn't say anything, because there's no point, but similar to the work situation, I feel my housemates are not pulling their weight at all when it comes to certain jobs in the house. Like, I don't put the dishwasher on and leave the dishes in it for two days in a row and expect someone else to put them away for me. It really fucking pisses me off!!! And then start shouting at the person if they ask me to put my stuff away. Fuck sake. Grow the fuck up like.

Yeah, I'm in a bad mood. I also went to donate blood - again, went to bed last night super early so that I would be all fresh and healthy for that today. Went in, my iron levels are 15.1, loads of good blood to donate. (I looked up why I might be on the higher threshold and it's because I am a smoker, so not so positive. Still, at least my body is functioning well, at the same time.) Sat down on the chair, this lady poked and prodded at my veins, asking me if I had drank enough water, blah blah blah. I drink loads of water but there's always a problem with the veins. And I'm not dehydrated today - no alcohol since Friday. Anyway, more poking, she puts the needle in - very pinchy! - and not one drop of blood can she extract.

She called another lady over - who accused me, pretty much, of not drinking enough water - and they said the other side was even worse, and we couldn't go ahead. So it was a complete waste of time, I don't feel good about myself or my veins, and the day was a shambles from start to finish. And it's not even Tuesday yet. Grrrr.
 
Emilyrose said:
I came home after emptying the dishwasher this morning that my housemate puts on but never bothers to empty herself and I see the dishes all piled up again and not put away, after having cleared those this morning as well. So I left the place lovely and tidy this morning, and I come home to find it in a fucking mess yet again.
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oh man that sounds aggravating! I am so glad to live alone. Any mess I make is mine and yes, nice when I clean up to come home to it clean...

Too bad about not being able to donate blood in the end--has that happened before where they can't get blood? But anyways at least you tried!
 
Emilyrose said:
Yeah, I'm in a bad mood. I also went to donate blood - again, went to bed last night super early so that I would be all fresh and healthy for that today. Went in, my iron levels are 15.1, loads of good blood to donate. (I looked up why I might be on the higher threshold and it's because I am a smoker, so not so positive. Still, at least my body is functioning well, at the same time.) Sat down on the chair, this lady poked and prodded at my veins, asking me if I had drank enough water, blah blah blah. I drink loads of water but there's always a problem with the veins. And I'm not dehydrated today - no alcohol since Friday. Anyway, more poking, she puts the needle in - very pinchy! - and not one drop of blood can she extract.

She called another lady over - who accused me, pretty much, of not drinking enough water - and they said the other side was even worse, and we couldn't go ahead. So it was a complete waste of time, I don't feel good about myself or my veins, and the day was a shambles from start to finish.
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Hope your mood is better today. 15.1 is really high iron, higher than I have ever had, and men are usually higher than women. No idea if that's good or bad...

The needle experience sounds painful, I have never failed to produce blood, but had some trouble getting the needle into a vein now and then. I have been rejected for low iron, and I agree it is frustrating to go to all that trouble for nothing. Will you can try again?
 
- Grrr indeed, Cate. Your response made me laugh though so there's always hope I guess! ;)
- Yeah Liza, the latest thing one of them is doing is lighting candles and leaving them unattended. And by unattended, I mean leaving the house without blowing them out. Sigh. I'm not a very material person in terms of really valuing the 'stuff' I've accumulated, but at the same time, I would rather it not all go up in flames. The blood thing has never happened before. I've clearly morphed into a vampire and not realised it.

Today was better. I calmed down, there were a few issues in work still, but I didn't explode and I talked to my manager about what happened yesterday, and she gave me some advice. So that was good. I really like the girl I'm training in and I don't want to give her a hard time at all, but unfortunately, I also want things done right (okay, perfectly) and I had this whole system going like clockwork, and now mistakes are creeping in. And I'm not coping with that well at all. It's a learning curve for me just as much as it is for her. Anyway, I'm going to have a private meeting with her tomorrow and ask her how she feels and try to get things working better for both of us.

I had tennis tonight, was tired but I really enjoyed it! We had a great game and it was dry! Surprise! They're a nice oul bunch.

I have this acting thing tomorrow night. Normally, I'd look at something like this as a HUGE OPPORTUNITY and be all excited about it, but I feel like I've been around the block so many times at this stage and gotten nowhere that I'm not excited at all. Maybe that's better actually. I am also normally really stressed about my appearance and weight when it comes to these things - again, I just can't be bothered to be worried about that at the moment. I look how I look, I weigh what I weigh, and if the director thinks I look fat and ugly, and would never dream of casting me in anything, well, it's her loss to be honest.

I'm thinking of trying to get a job in New York next year. I'm giving myself 6 months to sort my shit out, and if I am still not happy with where I am or how life is going, I'm going to start applying for jobs there. I'm confident that if I put my everything into getting a job over there, I could get one. We actually have an office in New Jersey, so it could be an option without casting the net out too wide. It's just always been my dream to live there - I always thought it would be because I was in a show there, but as that part of my life hasn't gone the way I hoped, I might just have to try other avenues. I have family over there as well also, so I wouldn't starve. I can't keep waiting for exciting things to start happening to me - I need to make them happen for myself.

I also think New York is kind of a city of dreamers and artistic, creative types and I might find my tribe there. I don't quite have a tribe here anymore. I know great people, don't get me wrong, but they've all drifted away from me somewhat, and I just really want to feel like I have close friends again.

Also, I want to marry this man. This is such a beautiful song and he is amazing:
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm thinking of trying to get a job in New York next year. I'm giving myself 6 months to sort my shit out, and if I am still not happy with where I am or how life is going, I'm going to start applying for jobs there. I'm confident that if I put my everything into getting a job over there, I could get one. We actually have an office in New Jersey, so it could be an option without casting the net out too wide. It's just always been my dream to live there - I always thought it would be because I was in a show there, but as that part of my life hasn't gone the way I hoped, I might just have to try other avenues. I have family over there as well also, so I wouldn't starve. I can't keep waiting for exciting things to start happening to me - I need to make them happen for myself.
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I think you should go, I had a few chances to work in Europe, always regretted not doing it. I have found we most regret not doing things rather than taking chances and doing them.
Emilyrose said:
I also think New York is kind of a city of dreamers and artistic, creative types and I might find my tribe there.
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Maybe so, and it would be an adventure to try and find them!

You have interesting things to think about!
 
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- Yeah, I just might Cate!
- Haha, I guess I am trying to keep things interesting anyway Rob!
- Thanks Liza.

I went to the acting thing - it was really fun and I actually knew loads of people at it. We got free teas and coffees for our trouble. I'm not sure how well I did, but it was better than spending the evening staring at a screen anyway, that's for sure!

No work tomorrow, so I really hope I can sleep in late and wake up feeling light and refreshed. I'm very tired today. I went for a few drinks with a friend this evening and we had a really interesting chat. I would have kept going but he has work tomorrow, so I am saved from being hungover in the morning.

I came home after midnight to find more candles lighting unattended in the kitchen! What should I do? My last reasonable request ended up with me being screamed at like a banshee, so not sure what approach to take. Still, I would rather say something than not. I am also contemplating just hiding all the candles and not saying anything. Haha. The ultimate passive-aggressive move.

I got a sheet mask today to try to repair my skin which I am wearing as I'm typing. It feels really cooling against my skin. I have so many creams and ointments now, it's ridiculous. I'm not convinced they do a damn thing. Still, God loves a trier.

I have very little on the agenda tomorrow, apart from tennis at 7, which is so lovely. I might go see the new Knives Out film. I absolutely loved the first one. It depends what time I wake up, which I hope isn't until noon.

Not much else to report. Sleep time.
 
Emilyrose said:
I came home after midnight to find more candles lighting unattended in the kitchen! What should I do? My last reasonable request ended up with me being screamed at like a banshee, so not sure what approach to take. Still, I would rather say something than not. I am also contemplating just hiding all the candles and not saying anything. Haha. The ultimate passive-aggressive move.
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Argh! That's a tough one. So hard when you are trying to bring something up if the other person isn't reasonable...but it does seem like a really important basic thing--not to leave candles just burning away...I hope you can figure out how to address it...

Emilyrose said:
I went to the acting thing - it was really fun and I actually knew loads of people at it. We got free teas and coffees for our trouble. I'm not sure how well I did, but it was better than spending the evening staring at a screen anyway, that's for sure!
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That sounds super fun!--As does the drinks out with your friend :)
Emilyrose said:
I have very little on the agenda tomorrow, apart from tennis at 7, which is so lovely.
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Awesome--hope you have a nice relaxing day!
 
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