Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, I don't know Liza. A 15-year age gap is a big deal to me.
- Oh, he has lovely character traits Cate, which is the reason I went on the date with him. That's not the problem though.

I went out last night for a Christmas party and the evening kind of put me off Barry. We ended up a nightclub (!) and there was this really attractive guy hanging around with us for the night. He was in such good shape and had the most gorgeous eyes, eyebrows and eyelashes. He unfortunately wasn't interested in me (which stung!) but it made me realise that I want to be with someone the same age as me, give or take a few years in either direction. I really feel under pressure with the Barry thing because I hate hurting people. But that's not enough of a good reason to see him again. Anyway, I have the week to think about it.

I have partied too much this weekend and I spent all day in bed and more or less slept till half four. Which is good, because a lot of the time after a late night out, I feel completely terrible and can't sleep at all. I woke up at around half 8 and was awake for a long time, but I put on this 'Go to Sleep in 10 Minutes' sleep meditation and it actually worked! What a Godsend.

When I woke up, I was so happy to feel so much better, but sad that it was getting dark outside and I had completely wasted the day in some ways. Anyway, I got up and had a shower, got myself a mild curry in Ramen, and then I went to the pool. I was only going to make myself do 25 laps, but I managed the whole 50 and I was delighted with myself. It wasn't even hard, to be honest, and the pool is really great for clearing your head a bit. My head is full of a lot of garbage and worries at the moment, unfortunately. I spent some time in the jacuzzi then and spent a short stint in the steam room. I had to take a breather on a bench outside after that and some man asked me the time, even though he could have easily gotten up himself to see what the clock on the wall said. So I think the Spirit of Paolo still lives! Unfortunately, he was missing last night for the very attractive guy, but I guess you can't win 'em all, and that guy has loads of options.

2023 is going to be my Year of Health and Beauty and I really can't wait. I am going to prioritise losing weight and getting into a healthy routine above all else. This I solemnly declare.

 

[liza3]

Anyway, I got up and had a shower, got myself a mild curry in Ramen, and then I went to the pool. I was only going to make myself do 25 laps, but I managed the whole 50 and I was delighted with myself. It wasn't even hard, to be honest, and the pool is really great for clearing your head a bit.

That sounds so good. I am not much of a swimmer at all but it always sounds so soothing doing laps when one is good at that.

Dating never seems very simple, but I hope you continue to have fun exploring your options!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Liza.

Today was a good enough day in work, despite a few mishaps. It's really, really cold. Like, to the point where I have to wear gloves driving the car because the wheel is so cold. The tennis courts have been closed for nearly a week now, but I think I will try to get to the pool again tomorrow, which is a nice alternative. I was going to go this evening but I was just too tired.

I had a productive enough evening when I came home. I put a cottage pie into the oven and had that with a nice side salad sprinkled with some ground seaweed, so I felt like it was a nutritious enough dinner. I put on a wash, put on the dishwasher, emptied out the compost bin and the bin in the bathroom and cleaned up the countertops. Just small jobs, but I am happy that I took the time to do them. Even doing a little bit like that makes me feel better.

No real exercise today unfortunately, but I will definitely try to get that swim in tomorrow night. I just have to keep tipping away at everything when it all seems like a bit of an effort and I just want to cosy up in bed.

I have two big Christmas nights out coming up next week, so I'm looking forward to them. I also plan to watch a lot of films and just chill. I actually went to see Casablanca last week in the cinema, it was amazing! I'd never seen it before, and I thought it might be overhyped, but I really enjoyed it. What is most remarkable about it is that it was made during WWII, when people didn't really know how the war would end up. So many classic lines that I now know the origin of.

I've kind of fallen out of the reading habit a bit because I had to read a number of plays in a rush, so it kind of put me off. I must also get back into reading again. The light is too bad in my room though, to the point where I was worried about it, so I have to wait for the bulb to blow and I will get a stronger lightbulb. I will do some daytime reading or reading in my parents' house instead.

That's all really. The cold is the main topic for us Irish people. We love the weather chat. It is nice to have it cold and frosty around this time of year but the roads are a bit treacherous, so I will take a longer route to work in the morning to avoid any icy patches. This weather makes it that little bit harder to go for a run, which is the bad thing.

 

[liza3]

I put a cottage pie into the oven and had that with a nice side salad sprinkled with some ground seaweed, so I felt like it was a nutritious enough dinner. I put on a wash, put on the dishwasher, emptied out the compost bin and the bin in the bathroom and cleaned up the countertops. Just small jobs, but I am happy that I took the time to do them. Even doing a little bit like that makes me feel better.

That does sound like a nice evening--i love when i get the little chores done that makes my place feel that much tidier and nicer.

I also plan to watch a lot of films and just chill. I actually went to see Casablanca last week in the cinema, it was amazing! I'd never seen it before, and I thought it might be overhyped, but I really enjoyed it.

I haven't watched Casablanca in a while but I remember really enjoying it as well--very high quality film for sure. I'm watching a lot of movies lately. Usually I don't have the patience for them but this past week I've probably watched 3...Last night I watched Wild Mountain Thyme and loved it.

This weather makes it that little bit harder to go for a run, which is the bad thing.

Yes I've been finding some days it's tricky for running with the frost and ice patches.

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Liza. I heard some bad reviews about Wild Mountain Thyme - particularly regarding the 'Oirish' accent! Glad you enjoyed it all the same.

I went for another swim after work even though I was in really bad form and I didn't feel like it at all. But I was in my room, feeling miserable, and I decided it would be better to feel miserable in the pool, doing some exercise. Again, I started off saying I only needed to do 20 laps, but then my body came alive and I began to really enjoy it, and I did 50 quite easily. (It's a 20-metre pool, so that's not too much, but enough to feel like you've done something.)

I spent some time bubbling in the jacuzzi after and then went to the steam room for a short stint. I thought the whole thing had taken me about an hour, but I left the house at 7pm and it was 8.45pm when I got back in the car again! So the time flew by. It was a very pleasant way to spend the evening.

Unfortunately, I went to the supermarket straight afterwards and bought too much crap and ate most of it, which was that classic mistake of going food shopping when hungry. Anyway, I will know better for next time.

My housemate sent me a bit of a snide text message today when I asked her again to pay her share of the bills, which are pretty high this month because of heating costs. I gave her 8 days to pay me, and I asked last week if they both could pay me quickly, as it was a good bit of money out of my account all at once. Anyway, she really annoyed me, but at least I swam away some of the anguish. I'm really tired of sharing a house. That is one wish I have for 2023 - to get my own place or else move in with a boyfriend. We'll see how that one pans out. Here's hoping.

I like to say that things can change very quickly, and I know they can in life, but I guess things aren't progressing fast enough for me at all. And only good things please! I've had enough bad times over the last few years.

 

[liza3]

I heard some bad reviews about Wild Mountain Thyme - particularly regarding the 'Oirish' accent! Glad you enjoyed it all the same.

ah yes--i read that too--luckily i can't tell much about accents at all! But yeah the story was so funny and odd and quirky. Just what I needed--an easy, funny, surprising and light watch.

spent some time bubbling in the jacuzzi after and then went to the steam room for a short stint. I thought the whole thing had taken me about an hour, but I left the house at 7pm and it was 8.45pm when I got back in the car again! So the time flew by. It was a very pleasant way to spend the eve

That pool time sounds so good--you'll have me trying out swimming again!

I'm really tired of sharing a house. That is one wish I have for 2023 - to get my own place or else move in with a boyfriend. We'll see how that one pans out. Here's hoping.

I hope that works out for you. I hate the idea of having to share even though I had some good times in the past living with friends...I think i got too old for that...but who knows may have to go back to it the way rent costs are going!

 

[Emilyrose]

Yeah, rent prices are crazy everywhere, Liza. I got lucky in the place I'm in now, so won't be moving out unless it makes sense.

Barry texted me tonight so I told him that I'd been thinking about it and I don't want to pursue things further. He took it well but said he was surprised as he thought we had a good connection. I said it was because of the age gap, which is the truth (mostly). I just don't think I'm super-attracted to him. He told me I had a 'beautiful energy' which is not true at all but was very sweet. Lol. I feel a mixture of sadness and relief about the whole thing.

I guess you always fear that another chance might not come along. I don't know, I hope when I finally meet 'my person' that these years of solitude will make sense, because we will be so right for each other that if I'd settled for some other guy, it would have been a damn shame. I just have to hang in there and keep my eyes and ears open, I guess. Waiting to spring. Lol.

Anyway, I think I'm a pretty lucky character in general and I feel that there will be other men, other chances, and I really hope that I get my happy ending at some stage soon. And that happy ending will be the beginning of a whole different chapter and it will be equally as enlightening and good as trying to figure the whole world out by myself. Still, I'm not as hung up about it as I was and I think that's definitely progress made.

I went home this evening and watched Morocco v France with my long-suffering parents. They were in good spirits really. Dad was trying to bring Mum to this fabulous cafe in town that I'd recommended but there were no seats in the inn for the second week running. I love when people take my recommendations on board, haha. It makes me feel heard, ya know? Anyway, no joy for Morocco but I was proud of them. I hope Messi and Argentina win the whole thing. If this were a film, we would get that fairytale ending of our hero Messi lifting up that trophy on Sunday. Unfortunately, the real world can be a bit more challenging. But I'll always have hope.

 

[Cate]

I'm glad you gave Barry the age difference reason but also glad that you finished it before he got his hopes up too much. Well done, Em.

Anyway, I think I'm a pretty lucky character in general and I feel that there will be other men, other chances, and I really hope that I get my happy ending at some stage soon. And that happy ending will be the beginning of a whole different chapter and it will be equally as enlightening and good as trying to figure the whole world out by myself. Still, I'm not as hung up about it as I was and I think that's definitely progress made.

I think it is progress made too. I hope this happens for you.
We watched the Morocco/France final too & I would have loved Morocco to have won & then be playing Argentina in the final. They played really well. Messi is magical. I have never seen a football player as skilled as him. I will be barracking for them too.

 

[liza3]

Barry texted me tonight so I told him that I'd been thinking about it and I don't want to pursue things further. He took it well but said he was surprised as he thought we had a good connection. I said it was because of the age gap, which is the truth (mostly).

That is good to be clear and straightforward with him.
Good for you knowing what you want and going for it!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, I think most neutral countries will be hoping Argentina wins Cate. Let's see...
- Thanks Liza. Yeah, I kind of let SG hang around for too long and it wasn't fair on either of us really. It just leads to arguments when you're not clear.

I didn't think about Barry too much today, so I guess that's a sign that I made the right decision, as the whole episode fell out of my head fairly easily. He is a really great guy though, I hope he meets someone soon. I'd like to be on good terms with him.

I got good news about a Christmas bonus today, which I was very happy with! It won't get me a yacht in the South of France, but every little helps! Especially if I quit smoking like I plan to.

I had been parroting on about quitting at the Christmas party and then one of my new colleagues said to me today when I was saying goodbye to her for Christmas, 'Have a lovely Christmas and best of luck with giving up the cigarettes.' I replied, 'Oh, you remember that conversation, do you?' Lol. But shit! Now I have people to be accountable to!! I can't let them down. So it was actually a very good thing that she gave me that little nudge. It will be hell on earth though, I know it will. I can imagine much screaming into pillows. But I'm going to do it, because I said I would. And I hate lying.

Tennis was cancelled again unfortunately, but I have games lined up for Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week and there's a club event on during the Christmas holidays, which will be lovely. I went to that last year as well. The courts are too icy in the evening time, so I am really happy I am off next week and will actually get to play. It's really keeping me in some sort of shape.

I was contemplating a swim this evening but I think I will indulge in films for the evening instead. One day to go and then it's Christmas!!!

 

[liza3]

I got good news about a Christmas bonus today

'Have a lovely Christmas and best of luck with giving up the cigarettes.' I replied, 'Oh, you remember that conversation, do you?' Lol. But shit! Now I have people to be accountable to!! I can't let them down.

Oh some good motivation there! Hope it helps!

 

[Cate]

I got good news about a Christmas bonus today, which I was very happy with! It won't get me a yacht in the South of France, but every little helps! Especially if I quit smoking like I plan to.

A nice Christmas bonus combined with quitting smoking sounds like an airfare to NYC, Em. I really hope you can give them up.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Liza. I will definitely be keeping it at the forefront of my mind anyway. I want to go back in January and tell them all it was a success!
- I really hope so too Cate. That's an interesting way to look at it, haha! Another reason to quit!

I was feeling a bit out of sorts today and tried to nap after work but I just couldn't. I stayed up too late last night (okay, I drank wine ) and obviously I was just shattered today. Still, I finished up what I needed to and things should be fine when I return in January.

Anyway, I decided to get up from bed and go for a swim. I honestly felt like I was going to collapse on the drive there, just felt so drained. Ugh. But I got in the pool and felt better immediately. It was also a complete distraction from the misery of the hangover. I did my 50 laps (very quickly actually!), then did a bit of jacuzzi and steam room time, and I emerged a new woman. I've just come home and had two slices of toast with cheese and a cup of tea that is so lovely, and I'm going to finish the show I started watching last night and go to sleep.

More Christmas shenanigans tomorrow night. My goal for day 1 of my hols is no smoking till 6pm. I'm going to ease off them by limiting to only when drinking. That might seem wrong but if I say I'm off them from tomorrow forever, I won't last at all. So anyway, let's see how that goes. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night and catching up with friends - I have loads to tell them. Mostly good stuff really, which is always nice.

My housemate smokes weed sometimes and I came home to find her bombed out of her mind. I hate the smell of it, it is truly rank. I obviously am not one to judge anyone for their vices when I have so many myself, but I guess it was like looking in the mirror in a way, and I didn't like what I saw. I guess my goal is to live life in full colour as much as I can from now on and not be constantly dulling the edges.

 

[liza3]

Anyway, I decided to get up from bed and go for a swim. I honestly felt like I was going to collapse on the drive there, just felt so drained. Ugh. But I got in the pool and felt better immediately. It was also a complete distraction from the misery of the hangover. I did my 50 laps (very quickly actually!), then did a bit of jacuzzi and steam room time, and I emerged a new woman.

Love that! I get similar experiences going running--feeling all dragged down before I begin and then the joy and energy of the run takes over!

My housemate smokes weed sometimes and I came home to find her bombed out of her mind. I hate the smell of it, it is truly rank.

I hate that smell too

I guess my goal is to live life in full colour as much as I can from now on and not be constantly dulling the edges.

Sounds like a wonderful goal

 

[Cate]

I really hope so too Cate. That's an interesting way to look at it, haha! Another reason to quit!

I often look at things differently

I obviously am not one to judge anyone for their vices when I have so many myself, but I guess it was like looking in the mirror in a way, and I didn't like what I saw. I guess my goal is to live life in full colour as much as I can from now on and not be constantly dulling the edges.

I had that feeling recently when I met up with a woman at a funeral & she was drunk before the wake. She is a hot mess & has been for years & is an alcoholic. It's a slippery slope & I would hate for anyone to see me that way. It's scary.

 

[Emilyrose]

- It's funny Liza - two ould lads in the steam room today were talking about the smell of it as well.
- Oh, that's very sad Cate. At least you are empathetic towards her and not judgmental, as others might tend to be.

I'm feeling a bit low today. I've had a few upsetting incidents/conversations in the last few days, and I'm just really sad today.

I met up with Barry last night in a group setting, but he cornered me at the end of the evening to tell me how upset and surprised he was that he didn't get another date. He went on and on and on about it. It almost seemed like just because he had decided that he liked me, I owe it to him somehow to like him back? I'm sorry bud, it doesn't really work like that. He kept going on that our date was great and it's 'so frustrating' that the age gap bothers me. Anyway, the whole thing has left me completely drained and I really regret going out with him at all, because it's kind of ruined the good relationship we had.

The thing for me with Barry is that if I get with him, I skip all of the fun parts of adulthood and skip straight to the serious shit of divorce, teenage daughters and illness (Barry has a long-term illness. He's fine, but still). I don't want to skip ahead to all that stuff. I want the fun part as well! And yeah, we did get on well, but as I said to him last night, I get on with lots of people. The way he's talking, it's like he's the only one that can save me from a life of loneliness and isolation. I'm very annoyed about it, as well as sad, to be honest, and it's really put me off him. He was also like, 'Oh, I know you hung around tonight cos you wanted to speak to me about the date', which isn't true at all. I just wanted to go to the pub. Happy to have him there, also happy to not have him there. Ugh.

The other thing was a conversation with a girl from school who I've always thought was a narrow-minded dope, but she decided to turn around and ask me if I would have a baby on my own, as her hairdresser had made that decision. What a rude fucking question. Like, I haven't talked to this person in years and that's the kind of thing she's asking me. And also, I'm 36 - it's not exactly over yet for me. I could still meet someone and have a baby with them in the next few years. That's what I'd like to happen. And that's another reason not to waste time with Barry, which he doesn't seem to get either.

Anyway, rant over. Such an unfortunate thing to happen. I'm so sick of everyone.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. That sucks that you have had such a rotten couple of days. I'm really glad you pulled the pin with Barry. He sounds like he thinks he's the perfect catch
Bounce back, Em. Don't let the buggers get you down

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Cate. I don't know if he thinks he's the perfect catch so much as he got his hopes up and can't accept that I don't want to go forward with things. I feel like shit about the whole thing, to be honest.

Today I was feeling a lot better but a bit down in the dumps again this evening. I wanted this to be a relaxing holiday and it's been a bit stressful so far. This is probably why I don't let people in or go on dates that often. The emotional fallout is too much for me. It's just easier on my own, sad as that is to say. I don't know, I guess I'm really feeling the lack of a meaningful relationship this year, more than other times, and I'm very blue about it. I just want that connection and I want to be sure that it's the right move for me. And until I'm sure, I won't be moving forward. It's quite a bad state to be in.

I played a lot of tennis today, which was great. I felt like it put things into a bit more equilibrium for most of the day. I had a match with a girl who I was a bit of a sore loser with in a recent tournament but I felt like I kind of put things right with her today, and I encouraged her to sign up for the team next year, which she did, so I was really happy with that. So that was a good thing I feel.

I'm playing tennis in the morning and in the evening, with a thing with my housemates in between. I would rather not be involved but maybe it will turn out to be really fun. Let's see. I also have to clean the house, as there will be people coming over, and I hate when people arrive to a messy house. A former housemate loved invited friends over but she never bothered to clean, and I would end up doing it because I was so embarrassed about the state of the place. That really bothered me. Anyway, those days are long past.

I finished another Agatha Christie book today, Appointment with Death, brilliant. She had such a good understanding of character and what makes people tick. There's a documentary on Netflix about her that I spotted tonight but it looks like it might spoil some of the Poirot books, so I will hold off watching it till I read more of them. I'm not sure what to read next. Maybe The Bell Jar. It's been years since I read it.

 

[liza3]

Sorry to hear you're feeling down...
But the tennis sounds great--especially making things better with that girl you played with.
I hope the event with the housemates ends up to be fun

 

[Cate]

Thanks Cate. I don't know if he thinks he's the perfect catch so much as he got his hopes up and can't accept that I don't want to go forward with things. I feel like shit about the whole thing, to be honest.

That's a bit sad, then Em. It is better that you were honest with him though.
Not letting people in or not going on dates may be easier but you'll never know until you have a go. Life is to be lived, Em.
I hope you enjoy your tennis & the housemate get-together. Things are almost always more fun than we expect them to be xoxo