Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Oh God, I hope so Cate!!
- Thanks Lingwo. Here's hoping I can keep it up.
Day 2 - Baby, It's Cold Outside
Weight: 200.7 (-0.4 lbs)
Body fat: 45.4% (+0.1%)
BMI: 30.6
A tiny little drop and body fat went up but I'll take it.
Food today:
- banana and mi wadi with orange
- coffee and milk
- natural yoghurt and chocolate honeycomb piece
- tea and milk
- pasta with chicken and butternut squash (Was so looking forward to trying this in a cafe at lunchtime. It was drowned in oil. Yuck! Won't be ordering it again.)
- can of coke
- spearmint chewing gum
- tea and milk
- 12 jaffa cakes (150g box)
Exercise:
- Tennis (1 hour)
Cigs: 11
The pasta was probably about a million calories and kept me full all day. The jaffa cakes were instead of a bottle of wine, so I call that a win. Found it hard to stay upbeat today - I had a little snooze after work and the bed demon returned, but it actually cleared my head somewhat and I felt better when I woke up. Anyway, I got through it. More tennis tomorrow night and hopefully a chill enough day at work.
- Thanks Lingwo. Here's hoping I can keep it up.
Day 2 - Baby, It's Cold Outside
Weight: 200.7 (-0.4 lbs)
Body fat: 45.4% (+0.1%)
BMI: 30.6
A tiny little drop and body fat went up but I'll take it.
Food today:
- banana and mi wadi with orange
- coffee and milk
- natural yoghurt and chocolate honeycomb piece
- tea and milk
- pasta with chicken and butternut squash (Was so looking forward to trying this in a cafe at lunchtime. It was drowned in oil. Yuck! Won't be ordering it again.)
- can of coke
- spearmint chewing gum
- tea and milk
- 12 jaffa cakes (150g box)
Exercise:
- Tennis (1 hour)
Cigs: 11
The pasta was probably about a million calories and kept me full all day. The jaffa cakes were instead of a bottle of wine, so I call that a win. Found it hard to stay upbeat today - I had a little snooze after work and the bed demon returned, but it actually cleared my head somewhat and I felt better when I woke up. Anyway, I got through it. More tennis tomorrow night and hopefully a chill enough day at work.
All looking good! A pound a week seems like a lot to me but I'm sure you know what's doable for you.
Good to get a little extra sleep when we need it!
Hope it goes well!
alligatorob
Respected Member
Good plan, I'm pulling for you. Except what is a "jaffa cake"?
I kind of doubt it, this is what a million calories looks like, bet your pasta was smaller:
- Thanks Liza. 
- That is truly disgusting Rob, haha. Jaffa cakes are amazing. Are they a biscuit? Are they a cake? Who knows?
Ugh. Had a bad evening. Skipped tennis. You know it's bad when I'm skipping tennis.
I don't want this to be a maudlin entry full of my woes but I guess that's how I'm feeling at the moment. The dark evenings are getting to me, and a lot of other stuff as well. I'm having loads of loads of thoughts about things in my past, people in my past, and it's very overwhelming and negative, to be honest.
I had an excellent sleep last night - didn't take me long to nod off and didn't wake up once during the night, which is unusual for me these days. So that was good. I also heard back about the acting thing - not sure I got it, but it's looking positive I think? So that was also good.
I think what's bothering me is that I am such a perfectionist and I want to look perfect and act perfect and have a perfect, dream life, and the life I have is so far from that, and it's all just impossible and disappointing. Haha. And I KNOW how ridiculous that is. I suppose I am so hard on myself because I've been given so many blessings - brains, good looks, health, youth (clinging on), living in a safe country, a country where women are respected and free, opportunities, loving parents and extended family, employment, etc. I take all that stuff in my stride. Like, I know that I have every opportunity to have a really great life and I'm still struggling. That starts a cycle of guilt and shame and it just goes on and on and on. Smoking and drinking and overeating is squandering the health and youth and then there is the pervasive cloud of unhappiness that is just permeating from me and I can't shake.
A guy I work with is going through a tough time and today was the first day I heard a note of crankiness from him towards someone else in the office. I feel like that (and am like that) all the time, without half the troubles that he is experiencing. I guess I just feel guilty and like I'm squandering what has been handed to me. I know I'm not the first to do that. I just don't know why I can't find it within me to really change.
Anyway, don't worry about me, I will find my way.
- That is truly disgusting Rob, haha. Jaffa cakes are amazing. Are they a biscuit? Are they a cake? Who knows?
Ugh. Had a bad evening. Skipped tennis. You know it's bad when I'm skipping tennis.
I don't want this to be a maudlin entry full of my woes but I guess that's how I'm feeling at the moment. The dark evenings are getting to me, and a lot of other stuff as well. I'm having loads of loads of thoughts about things in my past, people in my past, and it's very overwhelming and negative, to be honest.
I had an excellent sleep last night - didn't take me long to nod off and didn't wake up once during the night, which is unusual for me these days. So that was good. I also heard back about the acting thing - not sure I got it, but it's looking positive I think? So that was also good.
I think what's bothering me is that I am such a perfectionist and I want to look perfect and act perfect and have a perfect, dream life, and the life I have is so far from that, and it's all just impossible and disappointing. Haha. And I KNOW how ridiculous that is. I suppose I am so hard on myself because I've been given so many blessings - brains, good looks, health, youth (clinging on), living in a safe country, a country where women are respected and free, opportunities, loving parents and extended family, employment, etc. I take all that stuff in my stride. Like, I know that I have every opportunity to have a really great life and I'm still struggling. That starts a cycle of guilt and shame and it just goes on and on and on. Smoking and drinking and overeating is squandering the health and youth and then there is the pervasive cloud of unhappiness that is just permeating from me and I can't shake.
A guy I work with is going through a tough time and today was the first day I heard a note of crankiness from him towards someone else in the office. I feel like that (and am like that) all the time, without half the troubles that he is experiencing. I guess I just feel guilty and like I'm squandering what has been handed to me. I know I'm not the first to do that. I just don't know why I can't find it within me to really change.
Anyway, don't worry about me, I will find my way.
Guilt and shame are tough ones to deal with. I sure know those cycles.
It can be tough when we have an idea of what we want to be like and feel we cant live up to it. I hope you can find some good feelings of loving kindness to yourself.
- Thanks Cate. I actually can't really avoid the tennis that much, it's sort of locked in at this stage, haha.
- Thanks Liza. That's it exactly. 'What we feel we should be like.'
I'm having one last booze bonanza tonight and then that's it. Not that I will never drink again, because I don't really want to live a completely sober life, to be honest, but these solo excursions into oblivion have got to stop. There's kind of a 'we' in my head - it's not a 'me' anymore. There's the motivated, annoying one that is constantly looking to be doing stuff and winning and achieving and then there's the other version that just wants to roll into a ball and never leave the house again. The Sergeant Major version is pretty dominant and gets her way most of the time, but sometimes the neurotic, sad person takes control, and I just end up bingeing and hating myself.
I also think the more emotional, sadder side acts as a buffer for the more domineering aspects of my personality and tones down the egotism a bit, so they are both needed! But they are not balanced at all, and that's what I really need to work on. I'm feeding them both in the wrong ways. So, the Sergeant has had a talk with the addicted side and told her that this is the end of this sad cycle. Enjoy this evening, enjoy your wine and your films and wasting time online. But 'we' are not doing this anymore.
Bag of Rocks Continued
I found him sitting on the gnarled trunk of a tree. He was beaming at me.
'Ah', he said. 'You found me.'
'I wasn't looking for you,' I replied, shifting the bag onto the other shoulder.
'But I am always looking for you.' He patted a space next to him. 'Sit.' I complied.
'You're getting closer', he told me, nodding a little.
'It doesn't feel like that'.
'Yes, but how would you know?' He smiled. 'Believe me. You're getting closer. But I have some advice for you. Stop trying to make yourself sick. Why are you doing that?'
I mulled it over. 'I think because if I was sick, I wouldn't have to try anymore.'
'Ah.' He stroked his chin. 'But, don't you know, if you got sick, you would have to try even harder than before? I am protecting you, and you are still young. But please -', he grabbed my hand, '- stop trying to make yourself sick. Be happy. Be gracious. The river is closer than you think.'
Just felt like some philosophical writing tonight. Tomorrow will be better. He told me so just before I left him.
- Thanks Liza. That's it exactly. 'What we feel we should be like.'
I'm having one last booze bonanza tonight and then that's it. Not that I will never drink again, because I don't really want to live a completely sober life, to be honest, but these solo excursions into oblivion have got to stop. There's kind of a 'we' in my head - it's not a 'me' anymore. There's the motivated, annoying one that is constantly looking to be doing stuff and winning and achieving and then there's the other version that just wants to roll into a ball and never leave the house again. The Sergeant Major version is pretty dominant and gets her way most of the time, but sometimes the neurotic, sad person takes control, and I just end up bingeing and hating myself.
I also think the more emotional, sadder side acts as a buffer for the more domineering aspects of my personality and tones down the egotism a bit, so they are both needed! But they are not balanced at all, and that's what I really need to work on. I'm feeding them both in the wrong ways. So, the Sergeant has had a talk with the addicted side and told her that this is the end of this sad cycle. Enjoy this evening, enjoy your wine and your films and wasting time online. But 'we' are not doing this anymore.
Bag of Rocks Continued
I found him sitting on the gnarled trunk of a tree. He was beaming at me.
'Ah', he said. 'You found me.'
'I wasn't looking for you,' I replied, shifting the bag onto the other shoulder.
'But I am always looking for you.' He patted a space next to him. 'Sit.' I complied.
'You're getting closer', he told me, nodding a little.
'It doesn't feel like that'.
'Yes, but how would you know?' He smiled. 'Believe me. You're getting closer. But I have some advice for you. Stop trying to make yourself sick. Why are you doing that?'
I mulled it over. 'I think because if I was sick, I wouldn't have to try anymore.'
'Ah.' He stroked his chin. 'But, don't you know, if you got sick, you would have to try even harder than before? I am protecting you, and you are still young. But please -', he grabbed my hand, '- stop trying to make yourself sick. Be happy. Be gracious. The river is closer than you think.'
Just felt like some philosophical writing tonight. Tomorrow will be better. He told me so just before I left him.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Always appreciate your "Bag of Rocks" writings, you are a good writer, and insightful.
Hang in there lady, we're pulling for you!
Of course it will!
Careful with the wine. However, nothing wrong with films or spending some time online, as with all things moderation is the key. And many of us here, me included, are not real good with moderation...
Hang in there lady, we're pulling for you!
I hope you find that balance as time goes on...I think all these sides of ourselves make for a rich and complex and beautiful life.
Nice bit of writing there--thanks for sharing!
- Thanks Rob. I'm pulling for you too!
- That's a beautiful sentiment Liza. Thank you.
Things has improved considerably since Friday. I taught a class tonight, which is not one of my favourite things to do, but it went so well! It was a small group but I know by the reactions at the end that they all really enjoyed it. I'm really proud of myself because I put a lot of work into curating the lesson plan and I can see some improvements in how I interact with people. I've definitely picked up on a few things. The important thing for me was that they all got something out of the class, and while I am not the most confident or knowledgeable teacher in the world, I was delighted with the feedback. One guy even came up to me at the end all enthusiasm (and this is a very deadpan guy), saying he is going to try some of the exercises we did with another group he's in. So that was fantastic.
Anyway, I'm all smiles after that. Haha. I have a lot of heavy meetings in the morning but work days are speeding by, which is also excellent. I am very close to my Christmas holidays - 17 days off in a row! I am foaming at the mouth. How delicious.
I just checked the calendar to make sure I didn't miscount. Nope! 17.
What else has been going on? More car trouble, but apparently, I narrowly avoided a tyre blowout, which could have caused a crash, so the garage man was saying I should buy a lotto ticket. I badly need a windfall, so I think I actually will tomorrow! I was looking at houses I'd like to buy today... a depressing exercise in some ways. I was even going to build a vision board online but I got too busy to spend time on that, lol. I just really want my own space, my own house. It would be so exciting. I, of course, don't want to go through any of the effort and work it takes to buy a space - building up a little nest egg, entering the rat race of trying to get in first, etc etc. Nope. I just want an amazing house to materialise before me. Basically, I am waiting for someone to call me and say, 'Hey Em, I have the perfect little house for you, I will sell it to you at a bargain price, but you can move in there straight away and live there for very little rent until you get your finances together...' So yeah. Just putting that out there.
I also am doing the little acting thing next week - could lead to bigger things, you never know. I'll be playing Cillian Murphy's wife in a film before you know it.
- That's a beautiful sentiment Liza. Thank you.
Things has improved considerably since Friday. I taught a class tonight, which is not one of my favourite things to do, but it went so well! It was a small group but I know by the reactions at the end that they all really enjoyed it. I'm really proud of myself because I put a lot of work into curating the lesson plan and I can see some improvements in how I interact with people. I've definitely picked up on a few things. The important thing for me was that they all got something out of the class, and while I am not the most confident or knowledgeable teacher in the world, I was delighted with the feedback. One guy even came up to me at the end all enthusiasm (and this is a very deadpan guy), saying he is going to try some of the exercises we did with another group he's in. So that was fantastic.
Anyway, I'm all smiles after that. Haha. I have a lot of heavy meetings in the morning but work days are speeding by, which is also excellent. I am very close to my Christmas holidays - 17 days off in a row! I am foaming at the mouth. How delicious.
I just checked the calendar to make sure I didn't miscount. Nope! 17.What else has been going on? More car trouble, but apparently, I narrowly avoided a tyre blowout, which could have caused a crash, so the garage man was saying I should buy a lotto ticket. I badly need a windfall, so I think I actually will tomorrow! I was looking at houses I'd like to buy today... a depressing exercise in some ways. I was even going to build a vision board online but I got too busy to spend time on that, lol. I just really want my own space, my own house. It would be so exciting. I, of course, don't want to go through any of the effort and work it takes to buy a space - building up a little nest egg, entering the rat race of trying to get in first, etc etc. Nope. I just want an amazing house to materialise before me. Basically, I am waiting for someone to call me and say, 'Hey Em, I have the perfect little house for you, I will sell it to you at a bargain price, but you can move in there straight away and live there for very little rent until you get your finances together...' So yeah. Just putting that out there.
I also am doing the little acting thing next week - could lead to bigger things, you never know. I'll be playing Cillian Murphy's wife in a film before you know it.
Awesome--what a wonderful skill to have, to teach others well and to inspire such enthusiasm!
oh i would also like for that to happen for me...it's too bad buying has become so out of reach for so many nowadays!
Also great!I also am doing the little acting thing next week - could lead to bigger things, you never know. I'll be playing Cillian Murphy's wife in a film before you know it.
Do you have any big plans for that time?I am very close to my Christmas holidays - 17 days off in a row! I am foaming at the mouth. How delicious.
(that's a double clap - Hi Liza, the big plan is to stop smoking when not out socially. I've been shamed twice this week by strangers, which is annoying, but I also do need to stop.
- Thanks Cate, it really was. But it also felt earned, if that makes sense.
Let's start a prayer circle to get all the things we want, Liza and Cate! I'm visualising that money rollin' on in!!
I was feeling very glum on the way home from work but I coaxed myself into prepping my lunch for tomorrow and cleaning my room, which was badly needed! So at least now I'm in a bad mood in a clean and organised room! Cleaning can be very therapeutic. Hopefully it will be something that I start to embrace more and more.
I'm really sick of working and I just want to be on holidays. Only two more days this week and three next, so I should be able to manage it! I've just lost a lot of motivation, to be honest. I think it was the same at this point last year, but at least I am getting a proper break this Christmas. I woke up last night not able to breathe - a mini panic attack I feel. I need to change my ways and I think the reality of that is really setting in and disrupting my whole system. I feel that change is brewing. I'm at the point where it's getting too hard not to leave my comfort zone and sort out my shit, if you know what I mean. It just seems easier to bob along and eat and ingest whatever I want, but I know that it's having effects I do not like.
I was also smoke-shamed today - a lady who I have never seen before came out of the office next to mine when I was outside having a puff, and she gave me this long, lingering look of disdain that made me feel absolutely worthless, and then she sauntered off. Various thoughts ran through my mind - 'What's your problem?' I almost yelled after her. I also contemplated chasing after her and punching her ugly face, but I managed to hold myself back. What a nasty piece of work. I mean, whatever, you don't like people smoking, but it's not like she was lingering outside, she only had to walk a couple of metres and she would be far away from me. I'm not smoking to upset her! Anyway, I can't cope with criticism clearly, but it upset me.
- Thanks Cate, it really was. But it also felt earned, if that makes sense.
Let's start a prayer circle to get all the things we want, Liza and Cate!
I'm visualising that money rollin' on in!!I was feeling very glum on the way home from work but I coaxed myself into prepping my lunch for tomorrow and cleaning my room, which was badly needed! So at least now I'm in a bad mood in a clean and organised room! Cleaning can be very therapeutic. Hopefully it will be something that I start to embrace more and more.
I'm really sick of working and I just want to be on holidays. Only two more days this week and three next, so I should be able to manage it! I've just lost a lot of motivation, to be honest. I think it was the same at this point last year, but at least I am getting a proper break this Christmas. I woke up last night not able to breathe - a mini panic attack I feel. I need to change my ways and I think the reality of that is really setting in and disrupting my whole system. I feel that change is brewing. I'm at the point where it's getting too hard not to leave my comfort zone and sort out my shit, if you know what I mean. It just seems easier to bob along and eat and ingest whatever I want, but I know that it's having effects I do not like.
I was also smoke-shamed today - a lady who I have never seen before came out of the office next to mine when I was outside having a puff, and she gave me this long, lingering look of disdain that made me feel absolutely worthless, and then she sauntered off. Various thoughts ran through my mind - 'What's your problem?' I almost yelled after her. I also contemplated chasing after her and punching her ugly face, but I managed to hold myself back. What a nasty piece of work. I mean, whatever, you don't like people smoking, but it's not like she was lingering outside, she only had to walk a couple of metres and she would be far away from me. I'm not smoking to upset her! Anyway, I can't cope with criticism clearly, but it upset me.
Like janis joplin's Mercedez Benz songLet's start a prayer circle to get all the things we want, Liza and Cate!
That always makes me feel better...
even if i can only truly appreciate the next day when I'm out of the bad mood
hard when we're struggling with something and then get shamed on top of it- Haha, yeah, I forgot about that song, Liza!
I am absolutely exhausted today but work was actually fine and we had a giggle about stuff today, which is always nice. I love being silly. Haha.
I don't really have that much to talk about tonight. I tried to go for a nap when I came home from work, but I'm overtired, so my brain wouldn't stop whirring around. For God's sake brain! Take the opportunity for rest when you can get it! It's also day one of my period, which has definitely taken the wind out of my sails an extra bit. I will hopefully be better tomorrow. It will be Friday, at the very least.
I met Mum and Dad briefly yesterday and Dad looked so pale! Mum also hurt her eye somehow and her remark was, 'Dad beat me up.' Her humour has gone very dark since her hospital visit. Anyway, I hope they're both okay - I think that was the first day I ever thought my dad didn't look well. (Except when he had cancer, but that's a long time ago.) He is not able to exercise as much anymore so I really hope that's not taking its toll on him. Anyway, I will visit them at the weekend and maybe watch some of the World Cup with him. I have very little interest in it, but it's the kind of thing that you enjoy when you sit down to watch a few games.
I'm donating blood on Monday, which is great. I was watching something recently, and there was a doctor on, saying that a great way to combat loneliness is through service, as this automatically makes you feel good about yourself and connects you with others. Donating blood isn't a hard thing to do, but it definitely makes me feel like I am helping in some small way. They actually rang me this week as they are urgently looking for donors, but I still have the tail-end of the cough, so I said next week would be better. It's pretty much gone though, finally! Just the odd sputter here and there.
That's more or less it for today, really hoping for a regenerative night's sleep tonight and to go into the weekend feeling more positive. I am meeting my friend for coffee on Sunday who I haven't seen in a long time, so that will be nice.
I am absolutely exhausted today but work was actually fine and we had a giggle about stuff today, which is always nice. I love being silly. Haha.
I don't really have that much to talk about tonight. I tried to go for a nap when I came home from work, but I'm overtired, so my brain wouldn't stop whirring around. For God's sake brain! Take the opportunity for rest when you can get it! It's also day one of my period, which has definitely taken the wind out of my sails an extra bit. I will hopefully be better tomorrow. It will be Friday, at the very least.
I met Mum and Dad briefly yesterday and Dad looked so pale!
Mum also hurt her eye somehow and her remark was, 'Dad beat me up.' Her humour has gone very dark since her hospital visit. Anyway, I hope they're both okay - I think that was the first day I ever thought my dad didn't look well. (Except when he had cancer, but that's a long time ago.) He is not able to exercise as much anymore so I really hope that's not taking its toll on him. Anyway, I will visit them at the weekend and maybe watch some of the World Cup with him. I have very little interest in it, but it's the kind of thing that you enjoy when you sit down to watch a few games. I'm donating blood on Monday, which is great. I was watching something recently, and there was a doctor on, saying that a great way to combat loneliness is through service, as this automatically makes you feel good about yourself and connects you with others. Donating blood isn't a hard thing to do, but it definitely makes me feel like I am helping in some small way. They actually rang me this week as they are urgently looking for donors, but I still have the tail-end of the cough, so I said next week would be better. It's pretty much gone though, finally! Just the odd sputter here and there.
That's more or less it for today, really hoping for a regenerative night's sleep tonight and to go into the weekend feeling more positive. I am meeting my friend for coffee on Sunday who I haven't seen in a long time, so that will be nice.
Cate
Long term member
It will be so good to have a decent break soon, Em. Giving blood regularly is something we liked to do until they wouldn't take it anymore. It was really disappointing.
Your Mum & Dad will love you visiting this weekend. I can imagine myself making a similar comment. We both have whacky senses of humour. Your Dad would miss being so active.
Your Mum & Dad will love you visiting this weekend. I can imagine myself making a similar comment. We both have whacky senses of humour. Your Dad would miss being so active.
Good for you donating blood Emily!
I hope you get that good night's sleep you're looking for and that the weekend goes well.
It is hard watching parents age and seeing them become more vulnerable. Are you an only child? I have siblings and I think that helps in not being the only one sort of looking out for them..
It sounds like you have a great relationship with them so that's nice! Enjoy the weekend!
I hope you get that good night's sleep you're looking for and that the weekend goes well.
It is hard watching parents age and seeing them become more vulnerable. Are you an only child? I have siblings and I think that helps in not being the only one sort of looking out for them..
It sounds like you have a great relationship with them so that's nice! Enjoy the weekend!
Alexistrophic
Member
Completely agree about acts of service. They’re a great way to connect and do good at the same time. Glad you get a break from work soon, too.