Emily Rose: The Reboot

Ah! I did not know you were in Ireland, Em. And I didn't realize you were still in the EU. Good on ya, I guess! ;)

I hope you find a wonderful fun date to take to the wedding. ;)

Totally agree about the benefits of meat in one's diet. I feel better with more protein, too. Hoping you can take that time off and use it for yourself.
 
Emilyrose said:
I have a bit of time off coming up (actually, quite a lot of time off) and once again, I will have to try to use it to address my mental and physical health and try to get a bit of balance back.
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Best of luck getting that balance back
Emilyrose said:
Living off fat, sugar, wine and caffeine is not enough!!
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Lol! yeah, who knew right?

Do you ever log your foods into an app to get you an idea of what nutrients you're getting? I find it quite insightful...
 
- Haha, that's okay, Cate. I couldn't tell you much about Tasmania either.
- Thanks Alexis. Counting down the days!
- Hi Liza. I guess I ultimately believe that obsessing about food to the point where I am tracking every morsel I put into my mouth is unhealthy and is not going to lead me to a peaceful existence with either food or my body. But I understand how well it works for so many people who want to lose weight. I just don't think it's a good thing for me to be doing.

I finally got back on the court tonight. Definitely my happy place. Played well overall I think and with really solid, nice people. I also chatted away to the guy I went Full McEnroe on and I think we are okay. Sometimes I think I might fancy him, I don't know. He's very odd, but then, so am I. Haha.

What else can we delve into this evening? I wish I had some really inspiring story to share of how I turned it all around, and I'm now earning millions of euro because my body is so incredible, but that hasn't quite happened yet. I don't even know why that would be something that would be important to me. I mean, why is having the perfect body so important?

I do want to get down to my 'dream size', even just for experimental reasons, because we are only on this planet once, and to get to the end of my days without ever feeling like I was ever in shape is just depressing to me. I was never particularly thin, even when I was a teenager. I was never able to wear 'anything I wanted'. I'd just like to know what that's like really. And I don't want to delay finding out too much longer. I still want my face to look good also.

Anyway, yeah, that's how shallow I am. How sad. Ultimately, I don't spend too much time on my looks, to be honest. I would just really like to be in great shape - I don't care too much about hair and make-up and nails and all that. I think if you are healthy and fit, you don't need all of those trappings really. They are just the cherry on top if you have a fancy night out or a wedding to go to or something. I absolutely love when people think I'm attractive and give me compliments, but I would hate if that was the only thing I had going for me, because that doesn't last in the way that being a kind and fun person to be around does. And maybe if I had never had these food issues, I wouldn't be the kinder person I feel I am today.
 
Emilyrose said:
I guess I ultimately believe that obsessing about food to the point where I am tracking every morsel I put into my mouth is unhealthy and is not going to lead me to a peaceful existence with either food or my body.
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Yes good to know what works (and doesn't work) for you!
Emilyrose said:
I would just really like to be in great shape
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You sound like you're already at a great beginning for that with all the tennis and how good you feel playing! It's great that you've found something that you are really good at and enjoy. Will make it easier to stay on track to a healthier you I think. (That's how I feel about my running too)
 
I think you're well on the way to becoming fit & healthy, Em.
Emilyrose said:
I would just really like to be in great shape - I don't care too much about hair and make-up and nails and all that. I think if you are healthy and fit, you don't need all of those trappings really.
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That's a good attitude. I'm sure that you get compliments too & attention. Feeling good about yourself is so important. I got a great compliment yesterday from a stranger & it made my day. I told her how much it meant & how I am battling to lose weight & she was so kind & lovely.
 
- Thanks Liza. I hope so.
- Aw, that's lovely Cate.

Ugh. So exhausted today. I'm really lucky that I'm not ill considering all the alcohol I drank last night. I was out with friends though, so not as bad, and at least we were walking around a bit, which might have saved me some bit today. But I feel knackered and I look completely terrible. My skin is inflamed and everything, it looks awful. My body is so pissed off with me right now. Haha.

Anyway, too late now! I have thrown my cigarettes in the bin again and going to get back on the quit train. I was thinking that November should be NOvember, and every time I want a cigarette or a drink, I can just yell to myself 'NO!' and carry on with my day. Lol. Worth a shot, I suppose.

I was talking to the most ridiculous dreamboat ever last night. I actually didn't really want to be talking to him in some way, because he's going out with a friend of a friend, and there's no point really. But alas, we just ended up in each other's orbit, and I ended up chatting to him for ages. God, he's such babe. And he has long hair, which is not easy for a guy to pull off, but he manages it. Anyway, it's restored my faith that there is someone out there for me, and he's going to be good-looking and cool and fun and lovely. Unfortunately, Mr Dreamboat is anchored down.

I'm going to treat myself tonight and go to a pool in a hotel that I've never been to before. They have a jacuzzi and a sauna, which are the magical ingredients I need to revive after last night. I'm kind of excited about it. One of the tennis ladies told me about it and the best part is that you can buy a book of passes so I don't need to join. I definitely feel like I should go and try it out, as it seemed significant when she told me about it. I also got out two new Agatha Christie books in the library today, so despite feeling like a troll living under a bridge, it was a productive enough day. And I cleaned my room yesterday! I must buy a rug for it tomorrow and jazz it up a bit. The carpet is awful.
 
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Emilyrose said:
I wish I had some really inspiring story to share of how I turned it all around, and I'm now earning millions of euro because my body is so incredible, but that hasn't quite happened yet. I don't even know why that would be something that would be important to me. I mean, why is having the perfect body so important?
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LOL, you are much better at inspiring stories than I am. And I imagine your body is just fine the way it is, not saying losing a little weight wouldn't be healthy for you, it might, but as hard as you work at things I am sure you body is just fine now.
Emilyrose said:
I look completely terrible
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I doubt that!
Emilyrose said:
that's how shallow I am.
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You may be lots of things, but I don't think shallow is one of them!

Good for you on the alcohol and cigarettes, I like the idea of a NOvember.
 
Emilyrose said:
it's restored my faith that there is someone out there for me, and he's going to be good-looking and cool and fun and lovely.
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Hold that thought.
Emilyrose said:
I was thinking that November should be NOvember, and every time I want a cigarette or a drink, I can just yell to myself 'NO!' and carry on with my day.
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NOvember. I like it. It sure is worth a try, Em! Having a really good November would be good preparation for the festive season.
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm going to treat myself tonight and go to a pool in a hotel that I've never been to before. They have a jacuzzi and a sauna,
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Man that sounds so nice. I always wish I could get into swimming. I just seem to sink rather than float though! haha
 
- Thanks Rob! :)
- Yeah, definitely Cate. No wine tonight at least.
- Yeah, I didn't do too much swimming Liza, but the jacuzzi and steam room were a real treat.

Had a nice enough day. Went and bought a rug and new bedding for my room to spruce the place up a bit. It rained all day long.

I went home and had a nice dinner of roast lamb, gravy, broccoli, carrot and parsnip mash, sweet potatoes and normal potatoes, so at least I feel I've gotten some nutrients in today. I had a lot of cake and coffee as well though but it's after 7pm now and I'm not going to eat anymore. The scales were not kind this morning after my drink excursion on Saturday night. Hopefully it will be out of the red alert zone in the morning.

I went for a short run this morning also, which was nice. I saw Alex the painter at his car, which made me run faster to avoid him seeing me, lol. He lives very near where I like to run, unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately, I don't know. I actually went wrong when I was driving last week and when I turned around, he was in front of me in his car with a woman next to him in the passenger seat. I was like, 'Really? This is why I went wrong? Do I have to know about this?' It was weird. But yeah. There is nothing more to talk about with that one.

I've bought some sweets and crisps now in case any trick or treaters come along, which I half hope they do, so I can get rid of the stuff. I felt fine all day but now I am very tired all of a sudden. It will be an early night for me, regardless. I have tennis tomorrow night, I'm meeting a friend on Wednesday, tennis Thursday and then it's the weekend again. Yay. Work will be tricky this week, dreading it, to be honest. But at least I will be fresh going in tomorrow.

Not much else to report. Parents are good. We had a laugh over Wordle. My mother is a cheater, haha.
 
I have Archie sprawled across my lap, which is making typing difficult. As I was typing that he stretched & covered my screen with his paws! Lucky he’s so cute!
Spa, jacuzzi, run, no wine, nice dinner, sprucing up your room, tennis, friend catch-up…sounds good, Em.
Your Mum cheats at Wordle? 🤣
 
- Ha, Archie is adorable. All is forgiven! Yeah, my mum cheats at Wordle. Lol.

I played my best tennis tonight, was really proud of myself. Sometimes I play better when I am feeling agitated or out of sorts. It's just like a relief for my brain and my body kind of leans into it. It's great that I am able to switch into something completely different for an hour, and it sort of put the world back to rights for me this evening. Fantastic!

I was also back in the 190s this morning, which was a nice bonus. I am so sick of not being able to wear my clothes. Like, I have clothes that I wear obviously, but it is limited to a certain few outfits, and it's really annoying. I'm not into clothes really but I do like having a few options! Anyway, let's hope the scale keeps moving down.

I ate okay today - porridge for breakfast with almonds and dried cranberries was a good start. Egg sandwich for lunch - okay. I had tomato soup for dinner with a bagel, and a banana and various bits of chocolate throughout the day. So, not a 'perfect' day by any means, but it was okay. I'm trying to stick with not eating after 7 and see how that works for me. I was more or less successful at that today.

Life is very dull at the moment, and I have a horrible meeting pending tomorrow in work, not looking forward to that. It meant though that I didn't buy wine tonight, as I need to be on my A-game, so I guess every cloud... Can't wait until the weekend again.

I'm reading The Mystery of the Blue Train by Agatha Christie at the moment, really enjoying it. I need to buy a lamp for my room though, it's too dark for reading at the moment, and the living room lighting isn't much better. There's always something new to buy.

Not much else to report really - meeting my friend for coffee after work in a Costa, which is a safe location. Trying to get through the week without giving in to the dark spirits.
 
Really tough office day today, even worse than what I was expecting. At least the time went fast. There's that positivity! Really have to work on being kind and not cranky and critical. I guess I've been doing the job so long, I just want everyone to do it the way I know that works. Why is positivity underlined in red as if it's not a real word? Hmm. There I go again, that critical inner voice.

But yeah, I need to chill, and what I really need is a break. I'm getting a very long Christmas holiday, which I need for my soul and to regroup. My friend that I met for coffee this evening just started a new job and she's really enjoying it and I feel completely envious of her. Happy too, because she totally deserves it, but I guess I just want that buzz and excitement of something new again.

I have developed a cough, which is a terrible development, but not surprising, as both my housemate and one of my colleagues are both hacking away the last few days. Also, my body knows a break is imminent, so it's allowed to get sick. This is such a strange phenomenon - how we can train our bodies to continue into almost collapse. The mind is very powerful. We all have an inner Krang controlling everything.

I finished The Mystery of the Blue Train last night, not her best, but I am really enjoying getting stuck into a book again. Murder on the Orient Express is up next, even though I know the twist. I watched See How They Run earlier, so I am really in Agatha-Christie-land at the moment. Saoirse Ronan was great, and the film was fun, without being brilliant. Knives Out was better I think. I have to buy a battery lamp for my room because I don't want to ruin the fantastic eyesight I have from reading in dim lights. That might have been the culprit to having glasses as a kid, as I used to read in the dim lamplight in the back of the car when we drove through any village or small town on the way home from wherever we were.

I need adventure! Maybe I need a thrilling train journey somewhere. Haha.
 
I hope that cough doesn't develop into anything, Em. It does sound like it's time for an adventure. Are you going away in your extended break? Are you still able to play tennis with the cough?
 
- Thanks Liza. I am fairly robust so I should be okay.
- Hi Cate. I skipped tennis tonight because the temperature has dropped so much and the cold aggravates the cough. I will play again on Sunday.

Work was a lot better today - still trying at times, but I was a lot kinder and I was happy with the day overall. It's all a learning curve. I'm not leaving things in the condition that I would like to but a lot of it is out of my control so I have to roll with it. My mood is lifting with the thought of so much sleep and restoration in my future! I need it.

I don't really have a lot to talk about but sometimes, that proves interesting and can be quite therapeutic. Free-writing, in a way. I opened up my cupboard in the kitchen earlier to make some herbal tea and I realised how much faddy health food is in there. I like reading about different types of food and the benefits they can have, but I always feel it is the cupboard of someone that doesn't look like me. I should be a sinewy willow-type woman if I only ate that type of food.

It's funny, but when I worked at the yoga place, I realised that you can be this lithe slip of a thing and still not exude any sense of health or enjoyment of life, which is what actually makes you attractive, as opposed to eating lettuce leaves and drinking nettle tea. There's a big difference. Some of the yoga teachers were particularly beautiful, but they were the ones that were always warm and friendly. Others were technically 'perfect' physically but were so brittle and drawn-looking. I guess it's always about finding that balance. Following any teachings too closely leads to a terse, miserable existence.

I'm kind of weary from always worrying about what people think of me, as opposed to what I think of them. Does that make sense? As in, I am trying to shape-shift myself into a form that others feel acceptable without wondering if their presence is adding anything to my life? At the same time, even if I don't particularly like someone, I would prefer to be cordial and on good terms, rather than have any bad blood there. But anyway, food for thought.

There. I found something to talk about after all and will sleep well because of it.
 
Haha, thanks Liza. They are not always appreciated! ;)

I'm properly sick now and am in bed. Such a disaster. No energy, coughing, sniffles and sneezing... ugh. Feeling sorry for myself. At least I have my laptop and my Agatha Christie to cheer me up.

I got a little camping light to try out as a reading lamp but it's too strong, unfortunately. Maybe I'll find use for it in the future. I bought this huge puffy jacket for the short film I did back in January, but the director didn't like it, so I ended up buying another one. I contemplated returning the puffy one because it cost me over a 100 euro, but anyway, I didn't, probably through sheer laziness. Anyway, it turns out to be one of the best buys I ever made. I wear it watching all the tennis matches in the evenings, it's so warm and it's perfect for the winter nights and wet days. So, hopefully I can tell you how this camping light became very useful in the next couple of months! :p The batteries were more expensive than the lamp, which was interesting.

I was reading all about Elon Musk and the Twitter layoffs today. What an absolute prick. It's really hard going through mass redundancies in a company - it happened to me in a past job, and everyone was really emotional and there was a real sense of betrayal. But at least they gave us a bit of a warning that it was coming and they did it face-to-face, which is really only common decency. Telling people on their way to work just to turn around and head home and wait for an email is cruel. Ugh. Capitalism, am I right? Anyway, I learned long ago that these big companies don't give a shit about you. You're just a number, an easily replaceable cog on a wheel.

In some ways, it would be lovely to open a little cafe and hire your own staff and try to build a little family where you actually do give a shit about them. My uncle has his own business and I know that during Covid, he did everything he could to keep as many of them on as possible. I really respected him for that. I will actually be staying with him and his wife next week, which will be nice. He was very good when my mum was in hospital and visited her on the weekends we didn't. So he went way up in my estimation after that.

That's all for now. Have to rest.
 
Oh, that sucks that you are so sick, Em. You don't sound defeated by it all though. Take good care of yourself & just concentrate on getting better. Staying with your uncle & aunt sounds like it will be good for you :grouphug:
 
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