Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Thanks Alexis. People who know stuff you don’t can be very attractive!
- At least I got an entertaining story out of it, Liza!
- Thanks Cate.
My housemate has Covid so that’s the latest disaster. Luckily, I haven’t seen her since Thursday last week and I have been at my parent’s house since then, more or less, so I should be ok. I do not want to get it!
Had dinner out tonight with work - it was very enjoyable really. I got a prawn curry - not the healthiest but we had no lunch, so it could have been worse.
Switched on the TV when I got home and Being Serena - a tennis documentary about Serena Williams - just happened to be on. The episode I watched had her coach telling her to stop breastfeeding and that she needed to drop the weight to have any chance of being competitive at Roland Garros.
I guess the message from the Universe here is that I need to drop the weight if I have any chance of winning a tournament next year.
- At least I got an entertaining story out of it, Liza!
- Thanks Cate.
My housemate has Covid so that’s the latest disaster. Luckily, I haven’t seen her since Thursday last week and I have been at my parent’s house since then, more or less, so I should be ok. I do not want to get it!
Had dinner out tonight with work - it was very enjoyable really. I got a prawn curry - not the healthiest but we had no lunch, so it could have been worse.
Switched on the TV when I got home and Being Serena - a tennis documentary about Serena Williams - just happened to be on. The episode I watched had her coach telling her to stop breastfeeding and that she needed to drop the weight to have any chance of being competitive at Roland Garros.
I guess the message from the Universe here is that I need to drop the weight if I have any chance of winning a tournament next year.
That is lucky you haven't had contact lately--I hope you don't get it. I also keep trying to avoid getting it as I hate the idea of not being able to run for a good while if I get a bad case of it.
Professional athletes have it tough for how much they have to do to be in top shape to compete. I don't even have it in me to be at the best I could be at my level. I'm glad to not have to go so hard!
Cate
Long term member
I won't watch Being Serena if it comes on free tv. That would make me too mad. Professional athletes have to give up so much & put up with so much criticism. Sure the pay at the top level is crazy, but at what cost?
Your tennis has so many benefits, Em & it has really lifted your spirits. I'm enjoying reading your stories about it
Your tennis has so many benefits, Em & it has really lifted your spirits. I'm enjoying reading your stories about it
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Emily, guess this is my once in a blue moon check in.
I'd love a prawn curry right now... and its not terrible food, depends on how much of it you eat. I know of nowhere in Utah to get a decent curry, not anywhere near my house anyway.
I hope you drop whatever weight you need to feel good and be healthy. Winning a tournament is kind of a different issue, I'll pull for you to win and hope you do, but being happy and healthy is a lot more important.
Be careful, you don't want it... So far I have managed to dodge the bullet, hope you do too.
- Hi Liza. Yes, of course, professional athletes have a different life! I am not trying to become a professional athlete, but telling someone they need to drop the pounds to win just resonated with me as something I need to do to be properly competitive at the level I am at. I am determined.
- I am glad you are enjoying reading about it, Cate. I suppose it's giving me the focus that maybe has been lacking in other areas.
- Once in a blue moon check-ins are always welcome, love seeing your posts Rob.
What can I chat about tonight? I need to go to bed soon. I'm overwired from life. The time is flying by so quickly. Professionally, I had a very good day and met some nice, creative people, and we chatted about work stuff, and that was all fine and interesting. Was it fulfilling for me? Not sure. Am I ever fulfilled? No.
I was talking to colleagues yesterday and in an unveiled moment, I told them that I felt like I was on a journey and then Covid came along, and the journey stopped, and then it was just me in a room on my own. Oh God, how sad. I guess the Covid thing revealed to me how ultimately alone I really am. And that's okay. I'm not crying into my pillow ever really. Because I am constantly numbing obviously.
Once the vices stop, the crying will start. I just haven't gotten around to that stage yet. And I don't really feel embarrassed about that. I've taught myself to function in a world that I don't fully function in and I managed to get a good job and a place to stay and a car and all this amazing stuff. That's all great. But I am not fully human here. I'm a very pruned back version of myself, or at least that is how it feels. Does everyone feel like that?
And I don't really know what I mean by that. I think I am not quite in the right line of work for me. I can't believe that I have got to this grand old age without ever really loving someone. That makes me really sad. And, if I really look back, sure, there were a few lost opportunities in terms of a few hookups here and there, but as for the real deal, the whole shebang.... no one has ever really loved me and pursued me. And that makes me doubt myself a lot, I have to be honest.
Why not?
- I am glad you are enjoying reading about it, Cate. I suppose it's giving me the focus that maybe has been lacking in other areas.
- Once in a blue moon check-ins are always welcome, love seeing your posts Rob.
What can I chat about tonight? I need to go to bed soon. I'm overwired from life. The time is flying by so quickly. Professionally, I had a very good day and met some nice, creative people, and we chatted about work stuff, and that was all fine and interesting. Was it fulfilling for me? Not sure. Am I ever fulfilled? No.
I was talking to colleagues yesterday and in an unveiled moment, I told them that I felt like I was on a journey and then Covid came along, and the journey stopped, and then it was just me in a room on my own. Oh God, how sad. I guess the Covid thing revealed to me how ultimately alone I really am. And that's okay. I'm not crying into my pillow ever really. Because I am constantly numbing obviously.
Once the vices stop, the crying will start. I just haven't gotten around to that stage yet. And I don't really feel embarrassed about that. I've taught myself to function in a world that I don't fully function in and I managed to get a good job and a place to stay and a car and all this amazing stuff. That's all great. But I am not fully human here. I'm a very pruned back version of myself, or at least that is how it feels. Does everyone feel like that?
And I don't really know what I mean by that. I think I am not quite in the right line of work for me. I can't believe that I have got to this grand old age without ever really loving someone. That makes me really sad. And, if I really look back, sure, there were a few lost opportunities in terms of a few hookups here and there, but as for the real deal, the whole shebang.... no one has ever really loved me and pursued me. And that makes me doubt myself a lot, I have to be honest.
Why not?
Sometimes it's nice to get that motivation that way...I feel like that with my running too--like weight loss and strength building can all build me into running better--so it is nice to have that as a motivator!
That is hard...I think Covid really isolated people in a way that we certainly have never experienced in our society...I still don't feel back to what I was in terms of connections.
sending you a hug
And hoping you will find the love you are seeking soon.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Of course you are, what you have described in the post above and all your posts is fully human. What you seem to be wanting is perfection, and you know perfection is the enemy of the good.
Maybe you have things to change, we all do, work on them, but don't believe you are less than fully human, you are not!
with all of Rob's post. Every single word.- Thank you Liza. I definitely feel that sense of connection is very hard to rebuild. Guess we'll just have to keep working on it.
- Rob, your lovely post made me tear up. Thank you. x
- Thanks Cate x.
I've had a very low few days. I've been tired and down on myself and everything just seemed a bit much. I've done some ruminating on that and I've decided that the 'rip off the plaster' approach is not working for me. Any time I try to do it all at once - exercise, healthy food, quit smoking, limit drinking, etc., it lasts for about 24 hours and then I get completely overwhelmed and start bingeing on cigarettes or wine or whatever I can get my hands on really. I'm trying to get to a really good place, but I'm not taking the steps needed to get there.
My new approach is the 'Rome was not built in a day' approach. I want to start with one goal for the day, and eventually add on until I feel like things are going the way I want them to go, and I am happy overall. My only goal for tomorrow is to not drink alcohol. That's enough. If I can do that, it will be a successful day. Let's start really really small here and try to build up my self-esteem once more.
It really is wearing to be carrying this amount of negative energy around with me all the time and I have to really be committed to making these changes in order to start to heal. When I am exercising and eating fairly well and not drinking, I can feel almost happy. But all of that has gone out the window this week because my general routine has been interrupted and I am just a bit lost. But hey, it's Friday, I have not drank any alcohol tonight and will be able to sleep until 10am tomorrow, so I should start to feel better very soon.
I collected Dad from the train station earlier and then we shared a chips and curry when we got home. He had never been to a drive-through before. Nice to know there are still new things to experience in your 70s. Collecting people from the train station is one of my favourite things in the world.
- Rob, your lovely post made me tear up. Thank you. x
- Thanks Cate x.
I've had a very low few days. I've been tired and down on myself and everything just seemed a bit much. I've done some ruminating on that and I've decided that the 'rip off the plaster' approach is not working for me. Any time I try to do it all at once - exercise, healthy food, quit smoking, limit drinking, etc., it lasts for about 24 hours and then I get completely overwhelmed and start bingeing on cigarettes or wine or whatever I can get my hands on really. I'm trying to get to a really good place, but I'm not taking the steps needed to get there.
My new approach is the 'Rome was not built in a day' approach. I want to start with one goal for the day, and eventually add on until I feel like things are going the way I want them to go, and I am happy overall. My only goal for tomorrow is to not drink alcohol. That's enough. If I can do that, it will be a successful day. Let's start really really small here and try to build up my self-esteem once more.
It really is wearing to be carrying this amount of negative energy around with me all the time and I have to really be committed to making these changes in order to start to heal. When I am exercising and eating fairly well and not drinking, I can feel almost happy. But all of that has gone out the window this week because my general routine has been interrupted and I am just a bit lost. But hey, it's Friday, I have not drank any alcohol tonight and will be able to sleep until 10am tomorrow, so I should start to feel better very soon.
I collected Dad from the train station earlier and then we shared a chips and curry when we got home. He had never been to a drive-through before. Nice to know there are still new things to experience in your 70s.
Collecting people from the train station is one of my favourite things in the world.
Alexistrophic
Member
So glad you got to collect your dad from the train station. I love picking people up from the airport/train station, too!
Completely agree with the "Rome wasn't built in a day" approach. Slow and steady wins the race. After a few days of stacked habits, it'll start to build your confidence, too.
Hang in there, Em. Sounds like you're heading in a positive direction!
Completely agree with the "Rome wasn't built in a day" approach. Slow and steady wins the race. After a few days of stacked habits, it'll start to build your confidence, too.
Hang in there, Em. Sounds like you're heading in a positive direction!
That is an excellent insight to have and I love your switch to :
It sounds like a good long-term sustainable plan!
collected Dad from the train station earlier and then we shared a chips and curry when we got home. He had never been to a drive-through before. Nice to know there are still new things to experience in your 70s.
aw I love that!
Cate
Long term member
I have had some low days in the last week & have been getting crabby easily, especially with myself. I start my week on Sunday & my plan for this week is to have more days where I don't have any wine at all than ones where I do. Rome wasn't built in a day. The struggle is real, Em. I'm glad I'm not fighting nicotine as well 
- Thanks Alexis. I really hope so.
- Thanks Liza.
- Haha, I like to make life hard for myself Cate.
Well, I broke my only goal for today, unfortunately. But, not to worry, I will just try again tomorrow. No alcohol tomorrow - that is the only thing I need to achieve.
I actually had a brilliant day so there is absolutely no reason for me to be drinking wine right now, which just goes to show how entrenched this habit or addiction or whatever you want to call it has become. I mean, I finally felt fresh today after a booze heavy week, and the 'reward' is to make myself feel horrible again tomorrow. Sigh. I convinced myself it was okay because tomorrow is Sunday. Not good enough. But anyway, as I said, back to the drawing board, and it just remains my goal for tomorrow, with no add-ons. That is simply all I need to (not) do.
I had a boiled egg for my breakfast this morning - such fun! I normally make scrambled but a boiled egg is actually such a delight to eat. Myself and Dad did some practice on the court, then I came home and did a bit of housework, put on a wash and had a nap. My brain is really, really overstimulated. I'm finding it very hard to switch off. The other night when I was lying in bed, it was like there was a full-blown orchestra playing in my head, and then it was like a light was switched off, and whatever thought train I was on dissipated and it was all quiet again. That is not good. That really shows that my nervous system is under massive duress. It's lack of sleep, anxiety and alcohol. And one can easily be fixed!!! But anyway, no more giving out to myself. Just focus once more on tomorrow's goal.
Played a match tonight, was a complete wreck for the first set but managed some positive self-talk and came out the winner. Imagine - telling yourself good things and complimenting yourself and rooting for yourself can bring about a positive outcome. What a shocker! So yeah, there's something to mull over there for sure...
- Thanks Liza.
- Haha, I like to make life hard for myself Cate.
Well, I broke my only goal for today, unfortunately. But, not to worry, I will just try again tomorrow. No alcohol tomorrow - that is the only thing I need to achieve.
I actually had a brilliant day so there is absolutely no reason for me to be drinking wine right now, which just goes to show how entrenched this habit or addiction or whatever you want to call it has become. I mean, I finally felt fresh today after a booze heavy week, and the 'reward' is to make myself feel horrible again tomorrow. Sigh. I convinced myself it was okay because tomorrow is Sunday. Not good enough. But anyway, as I said, back to the drawing board, and it just remains my goal for tomorrow, with no add-ons. That is simply all I need to (not) do.
I had a boiled egg for my breakfast this morning - such fun! I normally make scrambled but a boiled egg is actually such a delight to eat. Myself and Dad did some practice on the court, then I came home and did a bit of housework, put on a wash and had a nap. My brain is really, really overstimulated. I'm finding it very hard to switch off. The other night when I was lying in bed, it was like there was a full-blown orchestra playing in my head, and then it was like a light was switched off, and whatever thought train I was on dissipated and it was all quiet again. That is not good. That really shows that my nervous system is under massive duress. It's lack of sleep, anxiety and alcohol. And one can easily be fixed!!! But anyway, no more giving out to myself. Just focus once more on tomorrow's goal.
Played a match tonight, was a complete wreck for the first set but managed some positive self-talk and came out the winner. Imagine - telling yourself good things and complimenting yourself and rooting for yourself can bring about a positive outcome. What a shocker! So yeah, there's something to mull over there for sure...
Excellent attitude.
It's tough to break these habits and all we can do is take it day by day.
Nice job! Great about the win, but even better being a good cheerleader for yourself! I often hear myself saying "you can do it!" as I try for a tough hill climb during a run
- Sunday (no wine) was a success Cate. Hope it was for you also.
- Thanks Liza. Yes, being our own cheerleader is very necessary.
Goal for today reached.
My two goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Tuesday.
Slow and steady, etc etc.
Today was the most miserable day ever. I wanted to go to the cinema this evening but all the roads were flooded and I just had to turn around. I'm now tucked up in bed watching The Haunting of Bly Manor. Not as good as Hill House but it's the perfect evening for something spooky.
Earlier in the day before the heavens opened, I went to a cafe and got scrambled eggs, avocado and toast for my breakfast. It was really tasty. Just as I was finishing, I saw a familiar figure from the past:
Yes, you guessed right, it was my former housemate from Covid times. Just seeing her put me on edge, to be honest. Then I kind of started to feel sorry for her. Then I wondered if I should go say hi, but I just... nah. If she was a reformed character, she should probably have come over to me and apologised for how she treated me when we were living together. That kind of stuff only happens on TV, unfortunately. Anyway, I wish her well, glad she's out of my life.
Nothing much else to report. Have another tennis match tomorrow, let's see if I can get another win.
Hope it was for you also.- Thanks Liza. Yes, being our own cheerleader is very necessary.
Goal for today reached.
My two goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Tuesday.
Slow and steady, etc etc.
Today was the most miserable day ever. I wanted to go to the cinema this evening but all the roads were flooded and I just had to turn around. I'm now tucked up in bed watching The Haunting of Bly Manor. Not as good as Hill House but it's the perfect evening for something spooky.
Earlier in the day before the heavens opened, I went to a cafe and got scrambled eggs, avocado and toast for my breakfast. It was really tasty. Just as I was finishing, I saw a familiar figure from the past:
Yes, you guessed right, it was my former housemate from Covid times. Just seeing her put me on edge, to be honest. Then I kind of started to feel sorry for her. Then I wondered if I should go say hi, but I just... nah. If she was a reformed character, she should probably have come over to me and apologised for how she treated me when we were living together. That kind of stuff only happens on TV, unfortunately. Anyway, I wish her well, glad she's out of my life.Nothing much else to report. Have another tennis match tomorrow, let's see if I can get another win.
Cate
Long term member
Yep!Sunday (no wine) was a success Cate.
Me too
That attitude will help you, Em. Well done!
This is just so good for you.Have another tennis match tomorrow, let's see if I can get another win.
Edit: 5.30 pm Oz time. The struggle is real! I thought of you & didn’t have the bubbly I felt like
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Yum! That sounds so good
That's really good to be able to move into that headspace of wishing her well. We can't always have big reunions with people and often that's what it does come down to--just wishing them well and moving on.... and I think that's a pretty good space to achieve with those we've had big conflicts with.
Hope it goes well!
- That's amazing Cate. I'm honoured.
- Thanks Liza.
Goals reached today. The no alcohol one was not easy. I nearly caved on my drive home after tennis. But I played the tape forward and saw a day of exhaustion spreading out before me, and I thought better of it. It's nearly 11pm now and I'll probably watch another episode of The Haunting of Bly Manor, and I'll still feel a million times fresher tomorrow than if I have anything to drink now.
To be honest, I probably shouldn't watch any more of Bly Manor, as last night not long after I'd gone to sleep, I had this horrendous night terror that I was being kissed by a demon that started chewing away at my mouth and sucking the air out of me. It was truly frightening. I woke myself up with a muffled scream and had to sleep with my lamp on for the rest of the night. Dear God! A mix of the scary TV programme and my body removing the last remnants of the alcohol from my body. If that's not a reason not to drink anymore, I don't know what is!!
Today was fine, work was frustrating but I got through it without screaming at anyone, so that was a success. I'll be fine tomorrow as I'll start to feel better and better now the longer I stay away from the vino. Tennis was great - didn't win, but hung out with some lovely people after and it was all good.
My three goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Wednesday.
3. Go for a run.
I have loads and loads of goals I could add to that list, but those are the ones I have prioritised for now. Very happy to be going to bed feeling naturally tired. And my skin is also starting to bounce back.
- Thanks Liza.
My two goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Tuesday.
Goals reached today. The no alcohol one was not easy. I nearly caved on my drive home after tennis. But I played the tape forward and saw a day of exhaustion spreading out before me, and I thought better of it. It's nearly 11pm now and I'll probably watch another episode of The Haunting of Bly Manor, and I'll still feel a million times fresher tomorrow than if I have anything to drink now.
To be honest, I probably shouldn't watch any more of Bly Manor, as last night not long after I'd gone to sleep, I had this horrendous night terror that I was being kissed by a demon that started chewing away at my mouth and sucking the air out of me. It was truly frightening. I woke myself up with a muffled scream and had to sleep with my lamp on for the rest of the night. Dear God! A mix of the scary TV programme and my body removing the last remnants of the alcohol from my body. If that's not a reason not to drink anymore, I don't know what is!!
Today was fine, work was frustrating but I got through it without screaming at anyone, so that was a success. I'll be fine tomorrow as I'll start to feel better and better now the longer I stay away from the vino. Tennis was great - didn't win, but hung out with some lovely people after and it was all good.
My three goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Wednesday.
3. Go for a run.
I have loads and loads of goals I could add to that list, but those are the ones I have prioritised for now.
Very happy to be going to bed feeling naturally tired. And my skin is also starting to bounce back.