Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Cate]

It really helps to know that someone else understands the struggle. I hadn't planned on not having a glass of wine tonight(just kidding it's always 2) but if you can do it, it does inspire me to do it too. It is so much easier to keep your calories down without wine & I'm sick of having it as such a regular habit. Really happy? Celebrate with wine! Feeling pissed off? Have a wine. End of the day? Put feet up & have a wine.....
I wish I slept better without it though. I dream & dream. I can't watch anything really scary ever or read anything suspenseful in the evening especially. That nightmare sounds horrendous
Well done not screaming at work

Tennis was great - didn't win, but hung out with some lovely people after and it was all good.

Nice

 

[liza3]

The no alcohol one was not easy. I nearly caved on my drive home after tennis. But I played the tape forward and saw a day of exhaustion spreading out before me, and I thought better of it.

Good for you!

I had this horrendous night terror that I was being kissed by a demon that started chewing away at my mouth and sucking the air out of me.

YIKES! I can't watch anything remotely close to horror stuff any time of day. It really stays with me.
That night terror sounds horrible.

work was frustrating but I got through it without screaming at anyone, so that was a success.

Awesome--always nice to get through a day not losing our cool.

My three goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Wednesday.
3. Go for a run.

Some really nice goals there!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, that's the problem with it Cate. It never seems like a bad idea. I just know it's ruining my life.
- Thanks Liza. Yes, the night terror was really awful.

I'm here early tonight (only 7.30pm) and I have all my goals ticked off already! I'm really getting into the swing of things!

My three goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Wednesday.
3. Go for a run.

The run nearly killed me, not going to lie. Only 3km and I was absolutely wrecked. It's so frustrating when you let things slide for too long and it feels like you're starting all over again. At the same time, I tend to bounce back quickly if I stick with it.

My 4 goals for tomorrow:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Thursday.
3. Go for a run.
4. Eat a proper breakfast - buckwheat porridge with hazelnuts and blueberries; orange juice with spirulina

Getting up before work for the run will be the biggest challenge, particularly as the weather is so bad at the moment. But as I'm already settled for the evening, I should get to sleep a bit earlier tonight, which will help.

My energy levels are way up and things are improving bit by bit...

 

[Cate]

Oh, well done, Em. I didn't have any wine either yesterday. Even my dentist is not drinking, trying to lose weight. The universe is saying something.

My energy levels are way up and things are improving bit by bit...

This is great to hear.

 

[Emilyrose]

Well, if it's good enough for your dentist, Cate...

My 4 goals for tomorrow:
1. No alcohol.
2. Prep my lunch for work on Thursday.
3. Go for a run.
4. Eat a proper breakfast - buckwheat porridge with hazelnuts and blueberries; orange juice with spirulina

I knocked it out of the park today. Thrilled. Very tempted to buy wine this evening, but once again played the tape forward and reminded myself that I have a full day of work tomorrow and probably another tennis match. I did buy some elderflower fever tree tonic, just to give myself the illusion of alcohol. I'm happy with that as a compromise and the cans are very small, so it's not calorie-heavy.

My 5 goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Go for a run.
3. Eat a proper breakfast - muesli and milk
4. No cigarettes at the office
5. No sweets/biscuits at the office

Tomorrow is actually quite tricky when it comes to my goals, but I will give it a whirl anyway. I can't prep lunch as I won't be in the office on Friday. I'm running out of 'easy' goals already. Gulp! Here comes the hard part.

I have already decided that I will drink at the weekend. Maybe Friday, definitely Saturday if not Friday, depends on a few factors. I'm okay with that. As I said, I'm not taking the 'rip off the plaster' approach with this. It's more 'lobster in the pot that doesn't realise it's getting boiled.' I'm the lobster but I'm not getting boiled, I'm getting healthy. My subconscious just has to not figure out what's happening until it's too late! I'll turn around one day and be a 150 pound non-smoker and I'll be in complete shock! Hahaha. That's the dream anyway.

I'm not really a huge Tom Waits fan but I heard this recently and it went round in my head earlier while I was resisting the wine cravings. You gotta hold on, hold on, babe, you gotta hold on...

 

[Cate]

I knocked it out of the park today. Thrilled. Very tempted to buy wine this evening, but once again played the tape forward and reminded myself that I have a full day of work tomorrow and probably another tennis match. I did buy some elderflower fever tree tonic, just to give myself the illusion of alcohol. I'm happy with that as a compromise and the cans are very small, so it's not calorie-heavy.

"Playing that tape forward". I love that. I didn't say to myself that I wasn't having alcohol at all either but have been playing the tape forward & telling myself how much better I will feel if I don't, so have managed to string 4 days together without. We both have. I had bought some little fancy cans too to have when I wanted to trick my brain. The not ripping off the plaster approach works better with my brain too.
You're doing well, Em. We just have to stick with this

 

[liza3]

I'm not really a huge Tom Waits fan but I heard this recently and it went round in my head earlier while I was resisting the wine cravings. You gotta hold on, hold on, babe, you gotta hold on...

I'm actually a pretty big Tom Waits fan--I play that song on the guitar

I did buy some elderflower fever tree tonic, just to give myself the illusion of alcohol.

Oh that sounds so lovely--I've never tried it. Excellent idea to give yourself a nice alternative. That was one thing I would do when quitting smoking is allow myself any other treat or luxury as long as I didn't smoke (course I wasn't battling weight back then so that was easier too!)

My 5 goals for tomorrow are:
1. No alcohol.
2. Go for a run.
3. Eat a proper breakfast - muesli and milk
4. No cigarettes at the office
5. No sweets/biscuits at the office

Those goals look great--tough but great! Best of luck with them!

 

[Emilyrose]

- I have failed on the mission tonight Cate, but back on the wagon tomorrow. Stay strong for the both of us!

I'm actually a pretty big Tom Waits fan--I play that song on the guitar

Oh wow, that's amazing.

Well, tonight was a hugely successful night for the Emily Rose Training Academy, which has been quietly operating in the background. I got into another final!!!!

I played the best tennis of my life tonight, really, really thrilled. Like, I actually can't believe how much I've improved. It's funny, when you are on the court (or at least this is my experience), you have so much actual rubbish running through your head that you have to somehow shove aside and ignore. There's so much concentration needed, it's unreal. Maybe it's because I am not a natural sportsperson that keeping this focus is such a battle for me, but the fact that I was able to overcome that loud orchestra banging away and win that match tonight was so thrilling. I really am very proud. Dad was delighted, haha.

Unfortunately, the goals have kind of gone out the window. I went for the run and ate the planned breakfast, but ate biscuits in work today, smoked and now, I have gone back to that old devil El Vino. Sigh. I probably had such a good win tonight because I have stayed off it. Anyhoo.

Back to the one goal tomorrow - no alcohol. But tonight, I will be merry. I'm very happy.

 

[Cate]

Well, tonight was a hugely successful night for the Emily Rose Training Academy, which has been quietly operating in the background. I got into another final!!!!

Yay! Well done, Em!

I have failed on the mission tonight Cate,

No. No, you haven't.
Keep going, Em!

 

[Alexistrophic]

SOOO COOL that you won your match!!! It must have been such an amazing feeling!!!



Regarding el vino... It's such a challenging thing to overcome. Can you maybe replace indulging in wine with something else?

 

[liza3]

I played the best tennis of my life tonight, really, really thrilled. Like, I actually can't believe how much I've improved. It's funny, when you are on the court (or at least this is my experience), you have so much actual rubbish running through your head that you have to somehow shove aside and ignore. There's so much concentration needed, it's unreal.

That sounds amazing and wonderful. Must be great to see the progress you're making I'm sure. I love the sound of that focus.
And yes! Congrats on the win!

But tonight, I will be merry. I'm very happy.

awesome, enjoy that happiness!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I have no other choice really, do I?
- It was absolutely brilliant, Alexis. I will have to find something else, and something else quick!!
- Thanks Liza. It didn't last long, haha.

Oh God. I played the final today and lost my shit on the court, McEnroe-style, but without the talent or money involved that could possibly excuse that behaviour. I lost the game, of course, because it took over in my mind, and I felt awful about it. At least I felt bad about it, right?

I was reading about mental toughness in tennis during the week, and I'm at the stage now where I have realised that I am just too emotional to really master this game. And too fat. I was watching some of the better female players after my match and they were in such fantastic shape and able to move to the ball so easily, and I realised that the weight will have to go if I want to progress. I mean, losing the weight will help in so many areas of my life, but it just really stood out to me today. Sigh.

But what to do with this anger? At the moment, I am basically Sisyphus and I feel like I have so many things to work on, and it's all just so overwhelming. Of course, it all boils down to my foundation being very poor. Which means stripping the whole thing down and starting again. And that all seems very, very hard right now. Impossible, to be honest. At least I have some time off from work coming up, which might give me some breathing space to start working on it.

It's all so difficult today.

I love this new song by Taylor Swift, pretty much sums up my day.
It's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em! I'm lost for words. Anything I could say you would know already.
Maybe you should take up martial arts?

 

[liza3]

Oh God. I played the final today and lost my shit on the court, McEnroe-style, but without the talent or money involved that could possibly excuse that behaviour. I lost the game, of course, because it took over in my mind, and I felt awful about it. At least I felt bad about it, right?

Sending you a hug
That is hard to lose it like that...I had to quit playing some opponents in chess as I would get too mad when I lost...(depended who I was playing) I guess that is the first step to see it as a problem.

But what to do with this anger? At the moment, I am basically Sisyphus and I feel like I have so many things to work on, and it's all just so overwhelming. Of course, it all boils down to my foundation being very poor. Which means stripping the whole thing down and starting again. And that all seems very, very hard right now. Impossible, to be honest. At least I have some time off from work coming up, which might give me some breathing space to start working on it.

As a life-long struggler with depression and anxiety issues I can relate to how tough it is to try and work with these things that make life really hard. Are you seeing a counsellor? Maybe it wouldn't take stripping the whole thing down right off, but rather just how to deal with the difficult emotions in the present? Like with anxiety and depression so much of my work has been how to just cope now through CBT and ACT techniques, rather than trying to get to the root of the issues...which who knows maybe I will really have to get to to get some real breakthroughs....
It is an on-going struggle though and so not easy.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, Cate, I'm sorry.
- It did make me chuckle a bit to see that playing chess can also lead to outbursts Liza! Thank you for your really thoughtful reply.

I'm feeling back to normal more or less today. That was a wild, emotional weekend, I have to say. My mother, who never takes my side on anything, told me it wasn't that bad and to forget about it, which coming from her is HUGE. I also told my tennis friend today and she just laughed and said all the ones that make it big go crazy on the court, like McEnroe and Kyrgios. Lol. That made me smile. She didn't seem to think it was that big a deal really.

So anyway, that chapter is closed, and I guess it's all just another learning curve in understanding myself, understanding my emotions, and figuring out how to channel that energy in the right way. The good news is that I have an enormous amount of energy that I squander into alcohol and cigarettes, because I don't really know what to do with it, or I don't have enough of an outlet in my daily life to deal with it. I'm very bored in work again, and I feel it's nearly time to leave. I'm training someone in at the moment, and I find myself saying 'when I'm not here' numerous times in the training-in process, even though she's joining me on the team as opposed to replacing me. But I feel like the hour is near when it is time to seek pastures new again. The season has changed, the office isn't what it was, and I am no longer growing. But, for now, it's fine, and I'm not stressed anymore, which is great. I just need to keep my brain ticking over. I feel like I've mastered this job.

I often think about trying to work in a more creative line or get a full-time writing job, but a lot of those types of jobs take connections and I really couldn't be arsed with all that. I just want to get by in life on my own merit. I think there's a lot to be said for that.

I was looking up a bit about Rishi Sunak today. On the one hand, it's great to have an Indian PM of England, when you consider the history there. I mean, wow. On the other hand, he's the richest man in the cabinet and the cost of living crisis will not impact him whatsoever. He doesn't know anything about the daily grind of the majority of people in his own country. Do any of them though, really? Not the Tories anyway. Let's see what happens. I feel like the UK will come back into the EU eventually.

 

[Cate]

So anyway, that chapter is closed, and I guess it's all just another learning curve in understanding myself, understanding my emotions, and figuring out how to channel that energy in the right way.

It sounds like you are working towards making those changes, Em that will be more fulfilling. I felt a bit sad that your Mum never agrees with you, but did on this occasion.
I think the UK will have a Labour government before long & I agree that you'll end up back in the EU.
The Tories are even worse than our Liberal/National coalition & that's saying something. It feels so much better to have a federal Labour government again here.
It's about time that politicians started being good examples again.
Are you still doing Wordle?

 

[liza3]

I'm glad you were able to see the losing it at the tennis event in a lighter way. Good when we can laugh about these things afterwards. And yes, we can keep working to get to places we want to be with it all...

and yep I think it's quite common for people to get mad losing at chess!
I only like to play in a fun light way though so I choose people I can play well with. If I feel the other person is gloat-y it makes me mad haha... but also there can be such tension build-up when one is thinking and concentrating so hard for an hour or more. It can be a pretty intense game.

Good luck with your exploration in trying to figure out a career move!

 

[Alexistrophic]

I was looking up Rishi Sunak today as well. Came to the same conclusion: wonderful to have an Indian PM... however... money is literally of no object to him. Can definitely identify on the job front, too. I really enjoy the people I work with, yet the work (and pay) is a little bit ... meh. I am always keeping my eyes open for greener pastures.

 

[Emilyrose]

I think the UK will have a Labour government before long & I agree that you'll end up back in the EU.

- I'm sorry Cate, but I have to correct you on this one. Ireland is not part of the UK. We are still very much in the EU. I have no particular affinity with England, but I do have friends and family over there, so I don't quite want the whole country to burn.
- Ah yeah Liza, my parents actually calmed me down about the whole thing.
- That sounds very much like me, Alexis. Still, I always hope that good things are just around the corner...

Today was a boring day in work but we had a bit of a laugh at one point, which was nice. It's a very new team so it will take a bit of adjusting for me. I'm meeting one of my former work colleagues for lunch on Friday, which will be nice. She's getting married next year - the countdown is on to find someone to bring to that, as I will know no one there besides her, really. Disaster. If I ever do have someone to go with to things, I won't know what to do with myself. Still, I'm not dead yet.

I'm watching Midnight Mass at the moment. It's pretty good. I'm also going through a bit of an Agatha Christie phase - I can fly through her books in a day or two. So good! And it also captures a certain time period in history quite nicely.

The weather has been so bad here and it's putting a dent on my tennis plans. Had to cancel last night because of the horrible rain. We're playing Friday instead though, so that's something.

I have a bit of time off coming up (actually, quite a lot of time off) and once again, I will have to try to use it to address my mental and physical health and try to get a bit of balance back. I had a good sleep last night and I've been eating a lot more meat, it makes such a difference. I had half a chicken for lunch last week, and I really felt the benefit. I made a beef stir-fry for my dinner this evening, which I was happy about. I am definitely lacking in protein. Living off fat, sugar, wine and caffeine is not enough!! I also had chunky vegetable soup from M&S (fancy!) for lunch with a bagel, which wasn't too bad either.

I definitely think these plant-based influencers on Instagram don't know what they're talking about. I had a colleague once who tried to 'educate' me, informing me that an avocado was more nutritious than a steak. What a dingbat.

 

[Cate]

I'm sorry Cate, but I have to correct you on this one. Ireland is not part of the UK. We are still very much in the EU. I have no particular affinity with England, but I do have friends and family over there, so I don't quite want the whole country to burn.

Whoops! Sorry, Em. I probably knew that at one stage, but had forgotten. The whole Brexit thing became too much for me to try to keep up with & I tried to tune out to most of it. I thought Ireland was part of the UK, but apparently, it's only Northern Ireland. Geography is far from my best suit.