Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks Marsia. I'm going for dinner with my parents next weekend to celebrate.

I went to see Top Gun: Maverick tonight. What a film! Definitely one to watch in the cinema if you can. The action was top notch and I love Tom Cruise anyway. I honestly came out of the cinema on a complete high, which hasn't happened in years. Do not miss out!

The day went okay other than that. I chatted with my new housemate a bit this evening, she seems really sweet and quite lowkey, which is great. She's not a loud person. One thing I've noticed is that when she is on the phone, she talks really softly, whereas the girl before her was so loud and I grew to detest every phone call she made (which were frequent). So, it's the small things like that that make someone a good housemate! Hahaha. I also have gotten to know the other housemate a lot better and I got her a nice necklace today and a card for her birthday. She's away this weekend but I'll leave it on the kitchen table for her when she gets back.

Dad has arthritis of the hip, so his tennis days could be over. :( He might still be able for a hit around with me from time to time, but in terms of the tournaments, I don't think he'll be able to play them anymore. It's really sad. We never got that win together. But, you never know, I won't give up on that dream just yet. Old age is a disaster. I must reach out to the other guy William tomorrow and ask if he can play with me next week instead. I'd say he'll be keen.

Not much else to say really. I'm feeling pretty tired. I had some papaya earlier - what a lovely fruit! I never buy unusual fruits like that but it's good for skin redness according to my beauty book, so I thought I'd try it out. I also bought some fresh figs, another new fruit for me, so I might sample one of those tomorrow. Figs always seem to me like an ancient food. They always seemed to have figs lying about in castles back in the day, or at least that's my impression.

Right. Best be off. Night night.
 
Thanks for the movie recommendation. My brothers in law are coming out to help us move, so that will be perfect to bring them to. So glad you are liking your housemates. That's such a huge positive. I love fresh figs, and we actually have a massive fig tree on the property that has little green figs all over it. Can't wait to see what kind they are when they ripen. I like papaya because it's supposed to be good for digestion, so I get it if my stomach is off, and it does seem to help. I didn't know about it being good for skin, too.

That really stinks about your dad's arthritis. Old age is not for wimps, as they say. Does he eat foods that are anti-inflammatory, do you think? My mom had bad arthritis, and I could not get her to stop eating a ton of sugar, which I'm sure exacerbated things. Have a lovely sleep!
 
The housemate situation sounds so much better, Em. Is your Dad's hip arthritis really painful or is he just really stiff? I hope it's not too painful. Trying new fruit is good. I don't much like papaya though. Hope you sleep well.
 
- Hi Marsia. My dad is a sugar fiend but I think it's just old age unfortunately. He can still golf, got a birdie today, so he'll be fine. :D
- Hi Cate. He was in pain but the doctor gave him some painkillers to tide him over until he goes for his scan and they know that it definitely is arthritis and what his treatment should be.

Today was fine. I told my boss about the non-reaction/negative reaction to my award. I literally felt like I was going to explode if I didn't discuss it with her, and it has really helped take the sting out of it. She was cool about it, I think she knows what I mean. I told her I didn't want it made a thing of with anyone, I just wanted to express what was going on with me. I don't know why, but sometimes I just feel compelled to say things out loud, even though I know it might lead to things getting worse for a while. I hope that isn't what happened in this situation. Anyway, I am on holidays now for a week, so it will give me plenty of time to move on in my head. Who knows what will be on my mind this time next week?

I just watched the finale of The Affair, which I have been watching for over 2 years now. It's a very slow burn but I loved the conclusion. To be honest, I feel like I'll be weeping for a lot of this holiday. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just think there's so much pent-up emotion stored in my body right now that I have been waiting for some time to release. I need this break. I had a pretty comprehensive few calls today to hand over my tasks, so I feel like there shouldn't be any issues for people when I'm away. I didn't even take a lunch break today, which is not my work style at all. But it was needed today. I finished at 6 pm - it's been worse other times.

I have NOTHING planned for the next two days and I am going to stick to that. My new housemate was pretty much in bed all day sleeping, and it made me realise that I am not the only person that needs to do that sometimes. Sometimes rest and relaxation is necessary. She seems really lovely, and she's so quiet cos she's sleeping all the time! Hahaha. I was actually the annoying one in the house today having work calls all morning. Even though I've been so down on work all week, I had a really good 'working day'. I sorted out this credit card thing that I've been putting off for weeks, I had a really nice call with one of my colleagues in our global team, and my manager reiterated how much I deserved the award and told me to 'keep doing what I'm doing.' She's not an American-style boss that feeds you bullshit, so praise from her is high praise indeed, and it just really cheered me up.

I'm currently watching Green Day on MTV. It's nearly 2 am. I should go to bed soon, but I have 9 days of quality sleep ahead of me, so what's the rush? The Staircase with Colin Firth and Toni Collette (my absolute fave) is calling.

This is kind of an embarrassing thing to say, but when I was watching the actor's names come up yesterday on the intro to the film, I just kept seeing my name up there in lights. I still think I can do it.
 
I think it's great you talk things out that bug you and don't keep things bottled up. I agree it's harder at first, but then your relationships are real and honest. I have never had a boss who sugar coats things, so I laughed at the American-style boss thing. Maybe that's in corporate America? I have never had that sort of job, so no clue. Most of my bosses have been very demanding and happy with me for being a hard worker, but they are sure to let me know about any little minuscule screw up immediately!

I have a couple of friends who are very successful in the art and music scenes, and it seems like while it is gratifying that many people love their work, it's also stressful being a more public figure. It's great you have that as a dream to work toward. I sometimes think about doing enough art to have shows again. I think I should work toward that now that I have a fantastic art studio space.

Hope you are having nice restful you-time!
 
Hi Marsia. I understand that being a more public figure has its downside, but the money and the travel would make up for it in my mind. There are lots of remote places to hide in Ireland anyway. Hahaha.

I literally did nothing yesterday, as planned. I also didn't smoke or drink anything, so that's day 1 down. I'm planning the same again for day 2. I am starting to feel a little nicotine itch, but this break is really my biggest opportunity to quit smoking in a long time. It's so much easier when I don't have anything on my agenda much and I am not really meeting people. That will change tomorrow, but tomorrow I will hopefully have 2 days down, and will go from there. I am just trying to play the tape forward of my future if I continue smoking like this. I can feel the mucus in my chest beginning to shift slightly, even after one day. I am not looking forward to dealing with that later in the week.

Anyway, yesterday I binge-watched The Staircase, absolutely fascinating. I must watch the documentary next. What a fucking bizarre story. I'm not really sure what I think happened yet, but I think with the documentary, I'll get more insight. Anyway, would recommend. I also started reading The Forsyte Saga: Volume Three, which is a book I've had out of the library since 2018 I'd say. I've read the first two volumes but they are very slow going. I basically can't take out any more library books until I return this one, so that is what is motivating me to finish it. The plan is to get it read this week while I'm off.

The plan for the rest of the morning is to go for a bath soon. My parents are away, so I hope they come back soon. They were meant to be back last night, and both their phones are off, so my brain has obviously gone to worst case scenario mode, but I'm sure they're fine. I am heading into town at about 4 pm to drop off some posters for an event we're running, and then I have to do some excel practice for said event. It's raining today, and I was planning on going for a walk, but I might do some yoga this evening instead.

I don't feel too bad without the cigarettes so far, so I really hope I can keep my resolve up. It's this evening when I'm bored and have a boring task to do that I will want one. I just have to keep telling myself that this pain is totally worth it. And it is. I need to be free of this chain around my neck. I am tired from them.
 
Emilyrose said:
I don't feel too bad without the cigarettes so far, so I really hope I can keep my resolve up.
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Good for you! Stay away from those damned things.
Emilyrose said:
yesterday I binge-watched The Staircase, absolutely fascinating. I must watch the documentary next.
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I watched the documentary, but have not seen the TV show version. It would cost $15... I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on guilt after you finish the documentary. I will hold mine till I hear yours. The documentary is pretty good, most all real time filming of the actual people involved. However the film crew worked with Peterson, his family and defense team, the prosecution not so much.
 
Hey Rob. I watched 3 episodes of the documentary last night. It just boggles the mind that someone would murder their wife and then act how Michael is acting. I don't know. I will finish and we can discuss more. :)

I am having a real 'Love Yourself' kind of a week. I treated myself to a cinema outing tonight to see Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. It's a real out-there sort of film, funny, crazy, thought-provoking. I do like the idea of small decisions in your life changing the course of everything. I find the idea of multiple timelines existing all at once fascinating. I locked eyes with this really handsome guy before going in, and I've found myself thinking afterwards that maybe we know each other in another version of my life. Hahaha. I feel like my mojo is coming back. Amazing what a few day's rest can do! I feel the best I've felt in my body in ages.

Anyway, 'Love Yourself' week continues with two tennis sessions tomorrow and a massage in the afternoon. I'm getting my hair done on Thursday. God, I love being off. I actually love being off and not getting on a plane going somewhere. That's great, but staying at home for the week is in the ultimate indulgence in terms of catching up on sleep. I can feel all the stress seeping out of my body. I also feel like I'm ready to meet someone again. I need more love in my life. At the same time, I'm learning to appreciate more and more the life I'm living already, even if I am by myself. I'm making it work! I'm learning about myself. I'm improving. And there's lots more changes to come and lots more joy and happiness waiting for me.

You see what happens when you're not tired? I feel like we should have a national Sleep Week, where everyone takes the week off work, and you get to just sleep for the entire week. It would solve a lot of world problems, I feel. :)

Anyway, really looking forward to another great day tomorrow. Night all. Enjoy the shuteye.
 
I had a really nice day again. I finally made it to the library after hours this evening - that was exciting. I also met nice library man earlier in the day as well. I assigned myself an hour of reading time, but the book I'm reading is huge and I only got through 5 chapters, so I will be assigning two hours of reading time the next time. A strange lady came in and sat on the chair next to me and really annoyed me, so it wasn't as relaxing as I wanted it to be. There's a lot of very odd characters around our city at the best of times. I guess I'm one of them. Haha.

Tomorrow, I have tennis at 9 am and 9 pm - giving my all to getting ready for this tournament. I went for a massage today - it was fine, but I literally felt like I was about to collapse afterwards and had to go home to bed again. I am sleeping a lot. I'm a bit concerned, to be honest. And my right hip is in a bit of bother. I don't think it's the tennis, it's the spare tyre I'm carrying around. The bag of rocks that has taking shape on my stomach area. But yeah, it's causing me physical pain now, as well as emotional pain, so that's really not a good development.

I'm also worried about my mother again - her mood has taken a little bit of a dip. I just can't cope if she backslides again. I'm going home for dinner tomorrow to try to give her a bit of a lift. I feel really sorry for her. I'm not sure what I can do to help her. I guess, be kind, perhaps kinder than I have been. She's lucky that my dad is such a mild-mannered man.

Not much else to report really. I was visualising my dream man coming into my life last night - sad to report he hasn't materialised yet! I'm feeling a bit lonely. I guess this is what happens when you have too much time to think. Although I am loving all the free time for the most part.

I made a really healthy dinner this evening - quinoa boiled up with some purple-sprouted broccoli, a veggie stock cube, tomatoes, peppers and some sauteed garlic, onion, ginger and chili peppers. It was really, really tasty - will make again.
 
Your staycation sounds lovely. So glad you are relaxing and rejuvenating! Do you think the massage released more tension and you slept a lot from that? I can get really knocked out from a good massage releasing a lot of pent up stress and muscle tension. Sorry I missed it, but does your mom have something terminal and that's why she's feeling depressed at times?

Anyway, it's so nice to hear you are pampering and loving yourself! Hope this continues when you get back from vacation, too!
 
Thanks Marsia. I think the massage released too much tension at once! Haha. No, my mum suffered from a nervous breakdown last year and spent a number of months in hospital. She has been a lot better since she got out, but there is always that fear that she will go back to that dark place again.

I spent a lot of time with my mum today. We went for a walk in a beautiful park that she had never been to (Alex the painter took me there on our first date) and the weather was absolutely beautiful. We happily sat on a bench in the glorious sunshine and just relaxed. On the way home, we stopped off at my rented place and I gave her the tour, which she was delighted about. It was a really nice day, and her mood, while not exuberant, was pretty good. Her life has changed in a lot in a short space of time. I just keep reminding her that she is still very much in recovery and these things take time. She has her first day back at work on Friday (she does temp work, or used to before) which I think will be a test for her, but if it goes well, it will help in rebuilding her confidence. For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought. I love that quote. I think I studied that poem in college.

Anyway, played lots of tennis today. My new partner William has really come on in such a short space of time. I'm almost optimistic for our game at the weekend! It should be great. He's a really nice man as well.

I am so obsessed with The Staircase. Loving David Rudolf. I just finished playing tennis at 10 pm, so I'm a bit wired. I'm going to watch a few episodes before bed. I don't have to set my alarm till late in the morning tomorrow, which is great. I'm planning a run upon waking and then a really nice, nutritious breakfast. We had stew at home today. It's a bit hot for stew but it was really tasty.

Not much else to say really. Weighing in tomorrow. I would really appreciate a movement in the scales. I really would.
 
Wow, sorry to hear about your mom going through so much. Glad she is feeling better enough to get a temp job, and I really hope it doesn't stress her out again. Sounds like a wonderful time with her today, and I love hearing how things are coming with tennis, too! I hope the weigh in goes great!
 
Thanks Marsia. I rang her today after work and she got on fine. She sounded all the better for having gotten out of the house and meeting other people. It really cheered me up.

I had a supremely late night last night and I have been shattered all day. Got caught in a traffic jam for an hour and a half, missed my tennis game, it was so annoying. We stayed on and played later than expected, and then William asked me to go into the clubhouse for a drink, which was really nice, but I am just so tired!!! I had a club orange, it was fine. We were chatting to the club president and his wife and son for a bit also, which was good. The day did not go to plan, but it ended up being more social because of it.

Tomorrow is really my last day of holidays, as I have a match on Sunday and I have to be up early. I can't wait to sleep in late and just potter about for the day. I've been treating myself to meals out all week, so tomorrow the plan is to do home cooking only.

Ideally, my food plan tomorrow will go something like this:
- buckwheat porridge, hemp seeds, hazelnuts, milk; french press coffee and milk
- papaya
- chickpeas, rice, broccoli, tomato and peppers hot pot; tea and milk
- fig
- tempeh and side salad with kimchi, spinach, beetroot and tomatoes; herbal tea

If I manage to stick to the above, it will be an excellent day.
 
Wow, so glad missing the tennis match turned into a nice social outing instead! Your meal plans sound so delicious! I've been just doing little scrambles and salads and quick meals, so a hot pot meal makes my mouth water! Good luck at the tennis match, and hope you enjoy your last morning sleeping in!
 
The papaya and the fig are the only things I actually ate on that list yesterday Marsia, haha.

Just after playing match #1 of the day. I lost but it was very close at times and I was happy with my performance for the most part. I was on the court and the negative self-talk started to creep in - ‘She’s younger and fitter than you’, ‘You’re too fat’, ‘You aren’t good enough’, etc etc and I realised how much I define myself by the stories I’ve been telling myself my whole life.

It’s time to throw out that damn book.

It just occurred to me that my history doesn’t have to be perfect for me to start enjoying myself, for me to start winning matches, for me to get to wherever it is I want to go. Why am I torturing myself about yesterday’s actions? Fuck yesterday. Today is where it’s at.

Anyway, I have another match later and I am going there tonight with my head held high and I am going to bring it.

The bag of rocks have officially been dumped in the river. We’re moving on up.
 
Hi Em, I write to a friend I met on a social anxiety forum and we talk about those negative scripts a lot and how it doesn't work to hold on to stories unless they are both true and helpful. It's a habit I am working on a lot and hard to remember to do if the story is really old and almost becomes part of your identity, but who wants an identity that weighs you down and isn't helpful! I love that you are saying goodbye to the old and facing the present with confidence. I actually like watching people who have excess weight who are still happy and confident. It helps me to see that excess weight can be just a health issue that I am fixing instead of an identity to feel bad about. Feeling bad doesn't change things - like you say - going for life does!

Also glad you are happy with the match you just barely lost. I never liked the whole winning/losing against the opponent thing in sports. I think competing against yourself and seeing if you can improve is much more interesting. Good luck on your next match!!
 
Yeah, I think our upbringing, social commentary around weight and the shame factor of having a very visible sign of being unhappy or stressed makes it very hard for people to accept that you can be happy and confident while carrying extra weight.

Women are conditioned to feel bad about themselves no matter what they look like, and that's the sad truth of our society, and the influence of American culture in a lot of ways. If you have a big nose, a flat ass, cellulite, flabby arms, hair anywhere except excessively on your head, gummy teeth, fat calves, stretch marks, thin lips, too tall, too short, small boobs, big boobs, frizzy hair, thin hair, thin eyebrows, bad teeth, chapped lips, bad posture, etc etc etc, you are not good enough.

The world is sick, and we are all trying to deal with this world in the best way we know how. I'm not saying that it is easy for men either - it's really not. There are different problems there. But the way we are constantly marketed to now and especially with the rise of the influencers with their fake teeth and fake tan and all the stupid tat they try to sell, it would make anyone want to retreat into their bed and curl up into a ball.

So, it makes me really sad Marsia, that you have reached the age you have, with a husband and a teenage daughter, and still question that anyone can be happy and confident if they are overweight. It makes me sad for myself also. Beauty still reigns supreme on my list of agendas, and it is tragic that I can't be content with having an overweight body and make the most of the other gifts I've got. But I still want to 'live the dream', 'reach my potential', and all that other stuff.

It's really my lifestyle that needs to change. The weight is a side effect of that, nothing more really. But, the thing is, I AM confident and meander between a state of happiness and unhappiness a lot of the time, and that confidence and meandering state has nothing to do with my weight. That's something I'm starting to figure out. If I lost the weight, I would be getting confidence from other women giving me compliments or men staring at me. That's not fucking confidence. Confidence is an inward state of being. Confidence can't be granted to you, you need to find that for yourself.

So yeah, I want the compliments and the stares, because I have a big ego, and I also find it annoying that I'm abusing the good luck I've had in being granted a body and face like mine. And I think everyone should feel like that. Not everyone is going to be a beauty queen but everyone can look good with the right diet and exercise. That's the secret the beauty industry never wants you to know. They try to convince you that a trend for fanned out eyebrows looks good on everyone, or black, thick eyebrows when you have small, delicate features. Use your head a little bit, you will realise the whole thing is completely bananas.

In other news, life is kind of exciting again. I feel like my small world is opening up a little bit more.
 
Really good points Em. I think also it's hard getting older and still feeling young inside. I'm 57 now and starting to slow down somewhat and for the most part accept the changes to my body, but the extra weight plus the aging does bug me. I have been realizing lately just how insecure I get at times and think I'll work on that next. After all what are we doing if we are not enjoying the life and body and circumstances we are given. You are very right!

So glad you are getting out and your world is expanding again!!
 
Wow, I did not realise you were 57, Marsia. I always thought you were younger. I feel like you're not slowing down at all, from all the work you've been doing over the last few weeks on the house! We're all insecure, it's part of the human condition I guess.

Had a really enjoyable evening. I feel great. I got a whistle of appreciation for one of my tennis shots tonight from one of the Hot Husbands of Tennis, so that was good. Hahaha. I really miss male company. It's nice to get it even from a distance. I've some real pep in my step after the evening. I just feel I'm at this weird age where most guys are a lot younger than me when we go out to pubs, and I have no idea where the other 30-something single men are hiding. I will find one! Lol.

I also printed out a chart with 50 pounds to lose on it that I am going to stick on my wall. You cross off the number with each pound lost. I'm also going to try to think of mini rewards for myself for each pound lost as some kind of motivation. Obviously, they need to be things that aren't food or drink related. If you have some ideas, let me know. I'm going to bed a little bit hungry tonight for the first time in a while, so maybe I'll be crossing off a pound as soon as tomorrow! I weighed in at 202 pounds today, absolutely scandalous, but food was pretty good overall, so here's hoping I cross back into the 190s threshold again very soon.

I had a shower when I came home and I am just basking in the glow of feeling fresh and healthy after a day of good food and an evening of exercise. I wanted to watch the finals in the tournament I was in on Saturday, but my friends lost their match, so I have no excuse to go now. It's disappointing, I was looking forward to cheering them on. There's a street festival on that I might go to instead. I'll see.

Tomorrow is meant to be an absolute scorcher. Had a very productive day in work so I have set myself up nicely for a pleasant enough Friday in the office. And then it's the weekend again. Life is passing by so fast.

I'll leave with you this - my new song obsession for the week, kind of suits my mood this evening:
 
Oh hi you.

What do I want to say to myself this evening? Hang in there kid.

Today was a bit of a disappointing day. I had really weird dreams last night - I woke up in a complete sweat at one point. I sometimes have these horrible half awake dreams where I am in the room I'm in, but it's a different universe or something, and everything is a bit fucked up, and it honestly feels like I've been whisked away by the fairies or something. It's quite upsetting, but I guess it makes me appreciate my current reality a bit more.

Anyway, had a bit of a run-in with one of the guys in the office - he told me he had 'edited' some of my slides for a presentation next week, and it turns out he had just deleted a few of them and not copied over the new ones, which was the task someone else had originally assigned him. I was so annoyed because all of the effort I had put into updating those slides was pretty much demolished, and when I asked him about it, he didn't have a clue what had gone wrong. Did he fail to save or did he just completely mess up the task? Anyway, I told him frankly that I was annoyed about it, explained to him what he needed to do to fix it, and then asked him if he wanted me to show him. He told me he was fine, he understood, but with a complete blank look. He spent the next hour in the toilet and another hour in the toilet in the afternoon. His energy levels dropped to his shoes - he was disengaged and not present at all. I don't know if he is on strong medication or what's going on with him, but the whole thing rattled me and ruined the fucking day. I am not out to be mean or the bad guy, but I don't want my work to be tarnished by someone else coming along who doesn't have a clue what they're doing, and also isn't smart enough to ask for help. Humph.

We were talking a little bit about physiology today in work, and the more I learn about the human body, it just blows my mind. People go on so much nowadays about tech and AI and augmented realities and all this stuff, and I'm like - hello! Your brain is encased in the most magnificent, complicated thing in the world. All of these cells, atoms and organs working together in perfect symmetry to keep you alive, and you're worried about 1s and 0s on a screen? And making those 1s and 0s imitate organic cells? Madness. Mad, mad stuff.

The human condition is such an interesting one. We should all be leaping around every day and enjoying being alive so much - be buoyant in our luck at getting to experience the most beautiful known planet around. But I'm not doing that, and certainly most of the people I know aren't doing that. They're worried about putting food on the table, finding a place to live, getting a promotion, finding someone to love and have children with, looking beautiful... the luck we have for just being alive is not enough for us.

Maybe I should become a doctor - it might help. But that's still a lot of people and a lot of grief to deal with, and I am just not equipped for that. I think in another universe, I would have been a doctor. My mum told me the other day that my teacher in first class in primary school told her one day that 'Emily Rose can be anything she wants to be.' What a disappointment that I haven't amounted to anything really. Not in the way that I've always felt that I should.

Tonight, we're in Radiohead mode. This is a fucking beautiful track and a new discovery for me. The video is pretty cool too and relates to my earlier ramblings:

P.S. First pound down today and x'd off the list.
 
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