Emily Rose: The Reboot

Oh, so sorry Em. I didn't mean to discount your experience. I probably put my foot in my mouth and said something that added to your bag of rocks, and I apologize! I didn't take anything you said personally though.

So cool your cohort at work talked about ways you help them! That sounds like a wonderful evening doing music, too. I am very undisciplined, as well. I should be doing art. I have about a hundred ideas for paintings and such but taking the time to do art is hard. I think I need to take classes to have some sort of structure.

I empathize about the money thing. Things in the US are not good financially for a lot of people, and we're feeling it, too. But having a creative job that doesn't pay what you'd like would be hard in any economic climate, and especially now. I hope you do keep exploring what you really want and also keep exploring what doing what you love would mean.
 
Oh, and also I was listening to something this morning on finding meaning in life, and it sounded maybe like what you are exploring, that sense of "am I losing the meaning in the narrative of my life?" Carl Jung saw addictions as people reaching out for meaning in things that give temporary pleasure, but they don't provide meaning, like alcohol (or for me food). He saw people with addictive tendencies as people searching for something deeper and more truly satisfying, but they are looking in the wrong realm. So I think it's wonderful you are writing and doing music and questioning what really brings deeper satisfaction. It can feel confusing and like I'm lost when I get in that state, but it's usually a really good thing periodically questioning what would really lead to a satisfying life, and how do I go about practicing that?
 
Thanks for your very thoughtful replies Marsia. There is an emptiness or nihilism that goes along with addictions. I guess I just haven’t found my higher purpose yet.

I’m sitting at home now in our beautiful sunroom, looking out on our lovely garden with the birds chirping happily as background noise. I can hear the ticking of the clock in the kitchen. All is well, all is peaceful. Life is good.

I had a restorative night’s sleep, which is always good. I sleep better in my parent’s house because it is slightly more remote and there’s less traffic. My parents car and all the sun room windows are covered with bird droppings, which we take as a signifier of good luck. I really hope that’s true.

Mum’s weight has exploded since she came home because of all the medication she is on. She has her meeting with the consultant this week, so we are really hoping she reduces her doses considerably. She’s very good, other than that.

I had a really good weekend of tennis and met some lovely people at the tournament I was in. The weather has been glorious. Dad was telling the story of how he survived cancer yesterday and I had tears in my eyes, because he is the picture of health now. I’m so happy he’s still here. And Mum too!

I had breakfast there of cornflakes, granola, weetabix and milk with a slice of brown bread, butter and marmalade, orange juice and a coffee. I have a beef stir-fry with rice planned for dinner. I made it yesterday too, very satisfying. I’m definitely doing a bit more exercise and eating slightly better this week, so I just have to build from there.

I will go for a walk with Mum when they get back from mass and I am playing tennis at 8pm so a pleasant day ahead.
 
Emilyrose said:
There is an emptiness or nihilism that goes along with addictions. I guess I just haven’t found my higher purpose yet.
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I know what you mean. I also struggle with purpose, but lately feel like I can just have a bunch of little purposes, like smiling at people who look kind or experimenting with taking better care of myself in little ways. I don't think there is necessarily a big sweeping purpose to one's life all the time. I think there are moments where that happens, you are in the right place at the right time, and you are perfect for the situation, but those don't seem to come along all that often for me.

I really like hearing about how relaxed and happy you are at your parents' house. I also like how bird droppings are a sign of luck!

Good food and tennis sound like great things to build on!
 
I know what you mean Marsia. But I guess what I mean is those moments in life where you know you are on the right track. I remember the day before my interview for my first job after college, I found a pen on the floor in the dining room with the name of the company on it, and I just knew I would get the job and that I was on the right path. I might have told that story here before, not sure. Anyway, I didn't love the job itself but the team of people I met were amazing and I had the best time for many years. Until suddenly, I wasn't having fun anymore and I knew it was time for a change.

I'm starting to feel like the wind is changing or about to change again. (How very Mary Poppins of me!) Where it's blowing though, I do not know. I'm really starting to get itchy to make a move of some sorts. Maybe I should just look on the floor of my room and see what I find! But yeah, while there are lots of good things happening around me, I am at sea a bit. I sometimes wish I had a vocation like being a doctor or something. It's all just so clear for those people. Like, I'm pretty sure the majority of surgeons wake up in the morning with a real sense of purpose. I'm missing that.

Anyway, enough moaning. Moaning and dwelling is getting me nowhere. We've another viewing tomorrow evening for more housemates. I really hope we get someone nice. The house at the moment is fine, but we all kind of stay away from each other, which suits me in a way, but I'd prefer if it was a little bit more social. Also, getting someone in who is clean and tidy is crucial for me at this stage. As someone who was lazy for years and years, I am probably the person who does the most in the house as it stands. I don't mind too much, but I'd prefer if the new housemate was like me and just emptied the bins when needed, and all that.

Not much else to report. I have another tournament match at the weekend, so doing a practice for that tomorrow evening after the house viewing, which should be fun. I'm meeting friends Thursday and Friday, so a lot going on for the next few days. One of my friends got engaged recently, so I'm looking forward to hearing all about that. I was thinking today that if I ever get married, I'll probably do a wedding abroad. All my relations and good friends could afford it, and it would mean cutting out the huge numbers that weddings seem to entail here. I simultaneously love attention and hate it at the same time. I'm very, very strange. 🤨

Also, cos it seems fitting:
 
I loved watching the Mary Poppins clip - made me laugh that this is how you are feeling, and I'd forgotten how funny the movie is. That's so cool about finding the pen of your employer on the floor! I love when there is synchronicity in the air! It's great you are in tune with yourself and know it's time to start poking around to figure out what the next thing might be. A lot of people wait until they are utterly miserable and dread change. It's so healthy that you go with the flow as far as change. A wedding abroad sounds so fun and you could make it nice and simple and casual that way. I eloped both times, and am really glad I did. It's nice not having stress on such a big occasion. Good luck with the tennis practice and the upcoming tournament! It sounds like you are in a good space as far as having nice things in your life where things are stable and you can explore what you want next in your life in a relaxed way!
 
Glad you liked the clip Marsia! I didn't realise you were married twice!

I had a really enjoyable game of doubles tonight. We lost but it was a good match. I'm starting to branch out a bit in the tennis club and we might start a regular game on a Wednesday night, which would be fab.

We also met our new housemate this evening. She's such a beautiful girl and she seems sweet, so we'll see. She works as a midwife in the hospital, so I figure she must be nice enough? All will be revealed! I'm glad that my current housemate is moving out. He's a nice enough fella but he has taken over the TV room downstairs, which is a bit annoying. Obviously, I have allowed this to happen, but I have a big room anyway, so I don't mind hanging out here too much in the evening. I might buy a comfy chair, just so I'm not always in my bed. It can't be good for my back/posture.

I'm watching Normal People at the moment, about two years after everyone else did. I think it's brilliant. Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones are flawless in it. Chemistry off the charts. I would love to be an actress but I would not be able to do a show like that. It's really brave. I mean, they're both hot, so they don't have to worry about their bodies or anything like that, but still. It's so intimate. But I think all the sex scenes are done well. Conversations with Friends is starting here tonight, so I will watch that too. I think Sally Rooney has created something that feels really current. I would put a lot of her success down to that. I don't think she's the best writer in the world, but there is something really honest and raw in her stories, and that's what people connect with.

Speaking of stories, I am planning to enter some short story competitions again. I've booked a week off in June, because I just really need a break from work, and I am half-planning on booking myself into a hotel for a few nights and spending a few days on my own trying to write. What's putting me off is the expense of the whole thing. And I don't want to do Airbnb, because I like to be around people when travelling on my own. I don't want to be in a remote cabin by myself, because I'll just start hearing noises and imagining all sorts of frightening scenarios. But yeah. I guess what I am trying to do is reconnect with my creative side more, and see where that leads.
 
Really glad you are enjoying tennis so much! The trip to go write somewhere sounds lovely. I know what you mean about being too remote being spooky alone. Even being in my new house alone is a little unnerving sometimes. There are such loud sounds that come from one part of the house that I haven't figured how yet, and it always startles me. The first few times, I took my family sword with me and looked in all the closets! I like to write in my art journal at cafes. The energy is really nice and I feel on mini-vacation when I do that.

I hope your new housemate works out well. I have never met a midwife I haven't liked, and hopefully the same will be true for you. I like hearing about the shows you watch even though I can't comment back. I grew up largely without a tv, so I never really got into tv shows and only have seen some of the big blockbuster movies, but I love reading about why you love a show.

I like that you are entering a contest to help you motivate to write and to connect more with your creative side again!
 
Thanks Marsia. I don’t have a family sword that I can bring with me on my trip - maybe I should look into getting one! 😂

Today’s discovery: The library. They’re doing this cool open library thing where you can basically go to the library any time you want between 8am and 10pm, including Sundays. It’s unreal. The one I went to today is a lovely library as well with really comfy chairs. It’s just amazing to have somewhere quiet and cosy to retreat to if I want to read or write.

Also, the man working at the desk explaining all this to me was very cute. He had longish dark hair slightly dishevelled and lovely blue eyes. There is an induction for the open library thing next Saturday that I have signed up for, so hopefully I meet him again at that. I haven’t interacted with someone handsome in a long time, it feels like. I miss it.

Anyway, I’m just after a feast of lasagne, chips, salad and a bottle of coke with 3 sachets of ketchup. I ate every bite. I drank a lot of pints last night but I did sleep till nearly half 11 so I’m praying I don’t suffer too much for the rest of the day.

The plan of action is to buy sunglasses in TK Maxx and then back to the library to stalk my future husband. Ha. I am going back there but just to read for a while.

Then I might visit my parents and share my woes with them. My manager sent me a horrible email yesterday, she really went off the deep end. I didn’t deserve the way she spoke to me. I’m not sure what to do. I just have to make sure I remain calm in my dealings with her next week. It’s stuff like this that has me looking for an exit strategy.

The director of the short film I did submitted it to a film festival in London. I would love to be in London next January for that. Trying to use manifestation to make that happen!! I have seen it and it’s fine. I’m not exactly looking like Elizabeth Taylor in it. Lol. But I did okay I think.

Have a very healthy day planned tomorrow and despite the stuff with my boss, I feel pretty good. Must be that good ol’ library magic.

 
Perhaps he will Cate, haha!

No library time today. I stayed at my parents' house last night and we watched the voting part of the Eurovision. It dragged on and on so I ended up staying the night. They were in great form because they're headed off to Dublin to see Andre Rieu today. I'm sure they will have an absolute ball. It was so great to see Mum excited about something. The last time they were in Dublin was when she was in hospital so it's great to be travelling for a happy occasion.

I played my tournament game with my new mixed doubles partner William, we had a great day. We lost and I didn't particularly like the woman we were playing against, but my ladies' doubles partner came to watch us with her daughter and another two from the club were playing around the same time as us, so we met them after. They also lost, so a bit of disappointment for the club today. Still, a very enjoyable day out.

I played a singles match earlier in the day against a woman who I had a bit of a tiff with the last time we played, because she kept conveniently forgetting the score when I was ahead, and then debating with me about it, and I kind of told her off a bit. Anyway, today she was like, 'Emily, I'm making a big effort today to be serious and know what the score is and doing less talking.' Lol. To be fair, she was so much easier to play today and I acknowledged the effort she was making. So, I guess that was a positive outcome. She beat me anyway, so I'm sure she was happy with that also. Haha.

I had an upsetting incident yesterday in the Whatsapp group for the drama club, where I was publicly reprimanded by a member because of the way I dealt with someone who I felt made an inappropriate remark and was trying to hijack the group. I took it on board but I stand by what I said. I'm getting into all sorts of trouble at the moment. Oh dear. But, you know, I think I am being more true to myself, and if people don't like it, that's fine. I know that a lot of people in the group agreed with what I said also. So, anyway. We're going to discuss it at the AGM. I have to write a speech about it and be really clear on what I want to say. We have a very troublesome member who thinks it's okay to ring and text anyone he wants in the group and has upset a lot of people in the process. That has to be addressed, but in as diplomatic a way as possible, because I'm pretty sure he will be there. I want to kick him out of the Whatsapp group, to be honest, so I'm just waiting for the next infraction. He's an irritant.

Anyway, that is all. I am debating whether to drive home for the evening as I will have the house to myself. On the other hand, I am tired and don't really feel like driving. I'll see.
 
I ended up going home last night and it was bliss. Sometimes I would really love to be living on my own. I fear what that would do to my drinking levels though. They are already bad enough!

No booze today though, always a plus. It's a really muggy evening. I should probably be going to sleep soon but I might watch something first. Work today was okay, I think the issue with my manager was resolved. I will just act like nothing happened anyway and hope that she follows suit. The new guy in the office was driving me mad today. Sigh. I have to get into a better headspace about him, otherwise, it will escalate into a problem. Work was fairly boring other than that.

I have my lunch prepped for tomorrow and ate my prepped lunch today, which is always a plus. I always feel better when at least I feel I've taken in enough nutrients for the day, even if the whole day wasn't exactly stellar. I did the best I could for today.

Tomorrow evening I have yoga, which I skipped last week. I have to go tomorrow. It's such a waste of money skipping classes. I'm just so out of practice and feel so out of shape that I dread the whole thing. But, of course, it's good for me. I probably am irritable today because I'm not doing enough exercise to get me out of the black moods. I'm just finding everything hard.

Besides the healthy breakfast and lunch I had, I've completely overeaten today, and I'm going to bed feeling too full. I hate that feeling. I haven't done much moving around either, so the threat of the scales tomorrow hanging over me is not putting me into good form. I'm consistently over 200 pounds now, which is terrifying. We have a work thing happening next week, also terrifying, and I have no idea what business attire I can wear that still fits me. I'm praying for some kind of miracle loss in the next 10 days. It's stressful and it's stupid. But that's where I am today.

Nothing more to say. It's just another day.
 
Still very much in the doldrums today. Felt irrationally angry and annoyed all day. One of my colleagues told me I can be quite harsh on Friday and that's been playing around on the record player of my mind the last few days. I was just kind of shocked by the comment, as I always thought we got on quite well. I guess I'm wondering if I deserved it. I don't think I did. So I'm a bit annoyed with her and another colleague who I don't really trust at all, for reasons I can't quite define, who has upset me a bit for reasons that are too complicated to explain here. And, of course, the issue with my manager is also still quite fresh, so the whole thing has me going round in circles in my mind and causing me distress.

There was another incident with the drama club committee today which has also really pissed me off - I've been railroaded into signing off a play some of them want to do. It's not a bad play, but the way they have gone about getting everyone to agree to performing it is not cool. I voiced those concerns, which has probably ruffled a few feathers.

I'M NOT HAVING A GOOD WEEK!!

You know, when things go wrong like this, I really try to reflect and wonder if I could have done something better, reflect on why someone thinks I can be harsh, etc. I guess I'm wondering why that's something they would just say to my face, when I've done so much to help them out over the last few weeks. I think that's the crux of the issue for me. Do I deserve this feedback? I ask myself. Does it matter?

But yes, I feel aggrieved again. I hate feeling aggrieved. I hate upsetting people. I hate being upset by people. I hate the fact that these relatively minor incidents balloon in my mind and take over and ruin my whole day.

On the plus side, another colleague invited me to her engagement party today, so I can't be that bad. Swings and roundabouts, you might say. On another plus side, my food today was perfection. I only had one cookie. And now I'm having a bottle of wine. Lol. But my lunch was fab and kept me really full all day - tinned salmon, radish, spinach, peppers, tomatoes, celery, avocado and a generous helping of olive oil. Bellissimo. Dinner was a chicken stir-fry with green beans, mangetout, red onion, chilli peppers, garlic, ginger, olive oil, courgette, korma paste and pesto. Also nice.

So yes. Let's focus on the small wins. And pray for the clouds to clear soon...
 
Ugh, sorry about your week, Em. It sounds maybe like you are stressed which leads to other people noticing you are stressed, which leads to you stressing about them. And it also sounds like maybe there are some weird group politics, which I hate with every bone in my body. I really empathize. I am crossing all fingers and toes that you find a nice form of relaxation that isn't alcohol. Please remember to be kind to your liver!

Last time I weighed myself I was over 200 lbs, too. I don't know if I lost that much weight gardening in the heat and humidity, but I am definitely firming up and getting back in shape. For the work thing, can you wear a jacket that is a loose, flowing style that covers the tummy part of your pants or skirt?
 
Hi Marsia. I'm optimistic that I'll be able to find something halfway decent to wear. It does stress me out though.

Things have resolved in the workplace with all colleagues today, so that was great. I've just decided to get over it. My manager is another story - the stuff she comes out with sometimes is incredibly inappropriate talk for the workplace. Normally, it doesn't bother me too much, but today, I just couldn't pretend to enjoy it. I have to be careful there though. I hate being fake, but it's necessary for survival at times.

We had a nice day today, even though there was pizza and cake and biscuits and all the stuff I'm trying to stay away from. I actually hate eating that stuff at lunchtime, it just drains all your energy for the afternoon. But I have my tuna salad prepped for tomorrow, so back on the straight and narrow then.

Every time I think about following an eating plan for any length of time, I get this sinking feeling in my heart and I start to panic and I immediately want to buy a box of cigarettes. Like, even half a day sends me into panic mode. I'm not able to get excited about losing weight and getting into shape anymore. I just feel this sense of doom at all the effort and sacrifice and lack of cake it's going to take. I've been indulging myself for so long now that cutting back seems impossible. I haven't really figured out how to overcome this yet. I'm optimistic that I can start again tomorrow, but that hasn't proved true any day for over 2 years now.

I guess the key is to stop thinking about it and start taking action. I haven't been able to get up any morning to do exercise, but I know if I can manage to wake up in the morning and go for a run before work, it will set me on the path of eating a decent breakfast, eating my healthy lunch, making my dinner when I get home, etc. But the mornings are killing me, I cannot drag myself out of bed any morning, even when I go to bed relatively early.

Anyway, let's see how tomorrow goes.
 
Can you just change one little thing at a time? It seems like you are trying to tackle the whole diet/exercise/lack of motivation thing all at once. I could not do that when hitting reset. I usually start with a goal like getting off of sugar. Then when I've been off of it 2 weeks I start to eat better, then when I am fairly good at that I start looking at calories and how to substitute some of the high cal stuff for other things that I also like but that don't wipe out any chance of having another treat for the day, ... Not that you should model anything after what works for me, I'm just providing a "for example" scenario of just changing one little thing and then when you are good at that, adding another. I am currently not counting calories, though I could go buy a measuring cup and start. I just need to catch my breath after all that change we've been going through. So I am working on getting good exercise and doing stress reduction stuff right now. I don't think we always need to be working on our health full tilt, but I agree, it is really good to just start with some action and see how that goes, and adjust from there.

Glad the workplace tension has cleared. I hate being fake, too, but hopefully your boss will just see it as being polite around your different opinions.

Anyway, I hope you can find a positive angle with weight loss, like being more nimble playing tennis, or feeling great in your clothes, or something to work toward that's about helping yourself to be healthier instead of it being about depriving yourself. For me it's super important to have a positive goal or I forget and just snack unconsciously. I have to have a positive image embedded in my memory so I override that urge for a short term high of food that is addictive like sugar or that feeling of comfort from stuffing myself. My image at the moment is being toned up and in shape enough to do cool stuff in the yard with landscaping and gardening. I'd like to be a lot stronger and have a lot more endurance. I'd also like to be able to wear short sleeves in public.

Anyway, do not give up because you already have started with tennis, and you just need to add on from there!
 
Thanks Marsia. I was thinking about this today and I guess I realised that the problem is that I don't like myself. And the only way I'm going to overcome this problem is to start liking myself as I am right now. And the rest will naturally follow. I basically have to rewire my brain to stop being a bully to myself, which is what's happening here. It's like I don't feel like I deserve good things happening to me and to live a happy and peaceful life. And that shit has to stop.

Today, I came home and got out an A4 sheet of paper and filled it with the sentence - I love my beautiful body. I'm going to write that every day until I start acting like I like it. Like I like me. So, that's one positive thing.

My food has been slowly but surely improving this week. I had my salad for lunch today - tinned tuna, tomatoes, avocado, lettuce, spinach, radish, celery and olive oil. Very satisfying. I also made dinner - sweet potato fries that I burned to a cinder but ate regardless, tender-stemmed broccoli boiled and a chicken, bacon and stuffing pascal, I think they're called. So that was something. And I played an hour of bad tennis, also something.

I don't have much planned for tomorrow, except work, eat my packed lunch, eat the other chicken pascal with asparagus this time, and get an early night. I have a busy enough rest of the weekend planned. I have to buy two engagement presents, I'm playing tennis, I have my library training thing, and I have to go home to try to sort out my wardrobe for next weekend. And I'll try to fit a run and the gym in there as well. I want to make it an 'I love my beautiful body' type of weekend.

I had a good chat with my boss today, and all is well again. I've decided to overlook her negative qualities and focus on the stuff I do like about her, which is quite a lot really. I think we've both forgotten about last week already, which is great. She's also going through a lot of really hard stuff at home, so I'm going to give her a break.

Friday tomorrow. The week flew.
 
Emilyrose said:
I was thinking about this today and I guess I realised that the problem is that I don't like myself. And the only way I'm going to overcome this problem is to start liking myself as I am right now. And the rest will naturally follow. I basically have to rewire my brain to stop being a bully to myself, which is what's happening here. It's like I don't feel like I deserve good things happening to me and to live a happy and peaceful life. And that shit has to stop.
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Yes. Yes, it does. I can be such a bully to myself & I treat myself accordingly when I feel that way. Good things happen to you when you believe that you are worth loving & that really has to start with you.
Emilyrose said:
I love my beautiful body. I'm going to write that every day until I start acting like I like it. Like I like me.
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That is a really good start, Em.
Food sounds good, exercise sounds good, getting along with your boss sounds good & your attitude sounds good. I think you can flip this week around :)
 
Guess what Cate? I flipped this week around!

Well, today I felt like a bag of shit because I drank last night. I'm basically allergic to alcohol now. My skin is really inflamed, I have this horrible half-headache going all day and just a feeling of pure exhaustion and misery. But I'm so used to it that I can function close to normal, which is a horrible existence if I'm quite honest. So yeah... but, it's Friday night, and I don't have my nose in a glass of wine, so at least tomorrow I should feel revived.

Anyway, the good news is that I got asked to play for the club on Sunday, which will help keep me away from the booze tomorrow night as well. I'm so excited about it. I haven't been playing great lately, so I'm really surprised I got asked. It's given me such a boost. Also, I rang my parents earlier to tell them and they also shared that my uncle gave them free tickets to see the Eagles in Dublin in June and they got accommodation in Dublin in the garda house for the night that will only cost them 50 euro. You get free travel in Ireland if you are over 66, which my dad has, and it includes your spouse when you are travelling together. So they're getting the cheapest night out in Ireland possible really. Very happy for them. Things are looking up for the fam!

I had a nice chat with my housemate just there, she's actually really nice. We're getting to know each other a bit more, but we still have space to do our own thing, which is the perfect combo really. She's definitely one of the nicer housemates I've had in the last while. Although, I liked Colm as well, but our time together was short.

Tomorrow, I am playing tennis at 9 am, then I have my library training with hopefully the dishy librarian, and I'll probably go watch my friends play in a tennis tournament in the early evening.

Sunday will be tennis for a couple of hours (I really hope I play well) and then home to sort out my clothes for my work trip next weekend. I wrote out my 'I love my beautiful body' affirmation earlier as well. I really hope it starts to sink in.
 
Emilyrose said:
Guess what Cate? I flipped this week around!
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You certainly did! Well done, Em. That all sounds really, really good (except for the hangover). I'm doing "Dry July" in ....July & am going to raise money for Cancer research. Do you want to join me?
 
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