Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thanks Cate. I have tried the gum before but it's awful. I'll see how I get on without the patch for now. It's psychological really, that's the hard thing to overcome.

I had a successful day in that I didn't smoke or drink today. I ate a lot of sugar, but that's okay for a hangover day. The problem now is that I can hear the monster inside starting to scream due to the lack of cigarettes. It's not too bad so far, but I know I am in for a couple of days of hell now. I really want to get back to feeling energised and healthy again, but that voice inside that's pleading for cigarettes is really fucking hard to ignore. It's hell on earth, it really is.

Anyway, I've made it through today without too many cravings and I feel fine. I bought some nice Armani foundation for myself today and I got a little chest for my room to put clothes into, so my room is absolutely fabulous now. It's at capacity in terms of storage though, so if I bring any more clothes into the house, I will have to take some away and donate to charity. I can't buy anymore!

I went to the cinema earlier to see The Lost City, it's really good! As in, it's ridiculous but so fun. I was smiling the whole time. I usually enjoy Sandra Bullock films, Channing Tatum was funny and Brad Pitt has still got it. Such a babe. Anyway, go see it if you want some cheering up. It worked for me.

I tried to buy my dad an Easter egg earlier, but they are sold out everywhere. That's just amazing to me. I guess everything is a novelty again since Covid. I'm not going to dinner till Monday cos my dad is busy tomorrow, so I will have an Easter Sunday to myself tomorrow. But the gym is open and I am booked in and I am going this time! Spinning and yoga, a really nice combo. The plan is to pretty much exercise my way through the cravings. I'm starting to panic again. I actually start sweating just from thinking about it too much. It's frightening.

Anyway, that's it really. Going to watch some Netflix or Disney+ now and get to sleep early. Hopefully I can white knuckle it through tomorrow again.
 
It is perfectly understandable that you are struggling with giving up nicotine. It's not just a psychological addiction. It is a very, very addictive drug. Read this article, Em. It's just one of many I have read about nicotine- https://oralcancerfoundation.org/understanding/tobacco/tobacco-and-addiction/
Keep fighting against it, Em. Getting help is not a weakness.
Well done on getting your room so tidy & on finishing a day without smokes. Exercising your way through the cravings sounds like a good plan :)
 
Thanks Cate. Yes, it is an addictive drug, but it's the same as chocolate or alcohol really for me, the way my mind works. It's just easier to keep going with it because it doesn't make you feel as ill as quickly.

Had a great day of exercise! Went to the gym this morning, had a really good spinning class, followed by yoga afterwards. I actually don't look too terrible. I bought these lovely black gym pants, my ass looks great in them. 2022 is very ass-friendly, I feel. I also really enjoyed both the classes - not torturous at all. I need a regular exercise routine in my life, that's my main takeaway from today.

Had absolutely horrible night terrors from all the booze last night. Really frightening stuff. Woke myself up screaming a few times. Hopefully it was just in my dreams and not actually out loud, but I can't be sure. Once I got to sleep, I slept till 9 am when the alarm woke me, so I definitely had a good rest.

I bought a book that this guy I met years ago wrote last week. I don't know what it is about him, but I always thought we had this 'connection'. I've talked about him a few times here. Anyway, it's such a weird thing that I can't seem to let go of. Like, any time I meet him, which thankfully hasn't been for a while, my heart is pounding and my head just goes insane. It's this weird hormonal thing, really hard to ignore, to be honest. I always thought we'd end up together. Stupid me. Anyway, he got married a few years ago and has a baby now and all that, so that door is definitely closed. But I picked up his book, and he had a dedication to his wife on it, and I actually felt a visceral kick in the stomach when I read it in the bookshop. (I always find this stuff fascinating. How can I physically feel someone kicking me from just reading words on a page? There's so much we don't understand about the mind, in my opinion. That's why I love yoga and all these mad workshops I go to and all that.) And last night, I had so many dreams about him. Like, why? Why won't my brain or body let this fucking go? It's so annoying.

I actually feel sad about it sometimes, because I never met him when he was single, and I always kind of wonder what if? But then, I think the last couple of times I met him, he seemed really uncomfortable, so... I don't know. I guess it's always sad when life doesn't turn out the way you think it's going to. But I guess he is the blueprint of the type of man I want to be with. Handsome (but not in a buff, fake-tanned kind of way), tall, charming, articulate, passionate, clever, artistic... Basically me, in male form. :p It's funny, but we both run artsy stuff around the city every month - he does a writing meetup and I do the drama ones. So, I guess we're both contributing to arts and culture here in our own ways, and that's cool. But yeah. Forget it Emily! Move on! Get a clue!

I started my album today. First song: 'Starting All Over Again.' It's about him. It's not bad. :)
 
Good day today. Continued my work on the album this morning and have the bones of a second song to add to the list. It's fun. I'm getting ideas when I just sit down for a bit and try out a few things. That was satisfying. The second song has nothing to do with Mr Writer, it's more of a protest song about the influencers and this 'woke' fantasy culture we are all succumbed by. What I love about writing in general is that ideas come out that you didn't know you were even thinking about. It's cool. Therapeutic, as I said.

I also did an angel card reading today and my card was 'New Partner'. How exciting. I would love a new man to come into my life and help me grow up a bit.

Played tennis today, which was stopped short by a nasty bout of diarrhea. I think I overwhelmed my body with all the exercise yesterday. Still, I have more pep in my step today, so it was well worth an uncomfortable trip to the toilet. I was grand again after, went home and had a lovely Easter dinner with my parents. They're so lovely, God bless them. Mum is in very good form. She's going to ring the golf club this week and get back out there. It will do her the world of good. She still has a good few golfing buddies in the club.

I'm in my rented house again now, chatted to my housemate for a while, she's cool. She invited me to her 30th birthday party in June, which is really sweet. I don't know if I will go yet - we'll see how the next few weeks pans out. But still, I was delighted with the offer.

No wine tonight, which is good, and a 4-day week in work, so it should all go smoothly I hope. I'm not that tired now, but I will watch the end of a film I started last night and try to be asleep by half ten. I plan on going for a run in the morning and I have another game of tennis planned for after work. Won't be long until the weekend is here again.
 
I think you are doing wonderfully with quitting smoking, and I really agree with tackling just one addictive thing at a time. I usually cut out sugar for a few weeks before calorie counting, or it doesn't work for me. My mom was a chain smoker and I helped her quit by putting her cigarettes in the sink and soaking them so they were ruined if she brought them home. It worked well.

I have a couple of old boyfriends who I dreamed about for years and years after we broke up. I think they represented different losses in my life - abandonment and not fitting in, especially. They were both guys I would have loved to have married except they were not into me as much as I was them. It's hard finding someone who really gets you, but so worth it when you do finally!

So glad you had a great Easter with your folks. They seem wonderful! And great you are really enjoying exercising!! Good to be back on the forum reading how you are doing. I get inspired by how much you love the sports and exercise you do!
 
Thanks for your lovely post Marsia. Good to have you back.

The week went fine, work went well. I’m sitting in McDonald’s right now, so I guess that’s a fail. I drank a lot last night and during the week, also a fail. On the plus side, I am not too hungover, which is a miracle. I played a game of tennis at 12pm and now I’m getting a mini valet of my car. In my defence, it’s right across the road from McDonald’s. And I am craving salt and sugar like a maniac.

Last night was really annoying. I went to a gig with a few randomers and the girl that organised it was a complete weirdo. She left the gig with her friend before it was over and texted where she was. When we got there, they didn’t seem happy with the second location either so we went to a third bar and I was just about to order when they said they were going home. It was such a disappointing end to the evening. Anyway, it’s for the best, as I was home by midnight which has helped me today. But I will never go to something that girl organises again.

Going to a play this evening and I have booked in for the gym tomorrow, so it is all go.
 
Hi Em! I guess you could look at sitting in McDonalds as a fail, but you could also use it as information to help you - a little warning bell that something is not going to plan. (Speaking of which I need to make a plan!). I know you are probably in mega-cravings mode from giving up nicotine, but it sounds like maybe you could also be stressed lately? Or maybe having feelings that you'd rather not feel? I also worry that you could be putting pressure on yourself to find "the one". I am planning on getting a few cheap spiral blank notebooks and free writing with my daughter when she finishes school and moves here so we both can de-stress. She has such a hard time letting go of stress and worry, and I know that she gets that from me. Sorry about that girl who invited you everywhere and then went home. Really inconsiderate.

Hope you really enjoy the play and the gym tomorrow!!
 
Hi Marsia. I have been feeling incredibly stressed for months but something has started to shift since the weekend. Here's hoping I'm out of the pit of despair I've been in.

I went to a new yoga class tonight - the first of a 6-week series. The teacher was an older lady and it was quite a slow class, but slow does not mean easy! I was pretty much in pain for most of it. It's not really a surprise, considering how I've been treating my body since Covid hit. Anyway, I got through it and then we had a wonderful yoga nidra at the end. The intention I set for myself was, 'I am in perfect health.' It kind of covers everything - the weight loss, the drinking, the cigarettes... being in perfect health means both the physical and the mental.

Anyway, I feel wonderfully naturally tired after it and have not bought wine, so that's a win for the evening. I'm actually feeling a lot better today. I've been hungover for weeks now, but today I was well-rested and the day was a lot more enjoyable. I even went for a 20 minute walk at lunchtime.

I have three tennis tournaments coming up in a row now, so I guess that is something that is in the back of my mind - I want to win some more matches. That is more likely if I'm sleeping properly and looking after myself a bit more.

I'm booked in for a spin class in the morning. I haven't managed to get up on time for a morning class in months. Here's hoping it works out. I do not enjoy setting my alarm for 6.30 am! But I feel like the minute my head hits the pillow tonight, I'll doze off.

Not much else to report really. I watched some tennis at the club at the weekend, really enjoyed that. My weekend was the most social weekend I've had in a long, long time and I feel like it's really cheered me up. I need to be around people.
 
Yoga sounds really good Em & it's great that you didn't buy wine afterwards. I hope you get a really good night's sleep & get to the spin class.
Emilyrose said:
Not much else to report really. I watched some tennis at the club at the weekend, really enjoyed that. My weekend was the most social weekend I've had in a long, long time and I feel like it's really cheered me up. I need to be around people.
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Me too. It's good for us, even though it takes effort. I'm going to have a game of golf soon.
 
So glad you are enjoying your yoga class. My first yoga class was in college, and the teacher had us hold poses forever, and it was such a workout! She would tell us stories to distract us when we started getting wobbly and shaky. I think yoga is wonderful for strength training, flexibility, and stress relief all in one. I think we've all been very negatively impacted by the time of Covid, and it's great you are coming out of it again now!

It'll be interesting seeing how your body likes spin class in the early morning. I am getting a beach cruiser bike and plan to work up to pedaling to the beach in the early mornings while it's cool. Can't wait for it to be delivered! I know it's not as rigorous as spin class, but I really do better with gentle exercise.

Lovely you had a good social weekend!
 
- You’d better have that golf game soon Cate! ;)
- Didn’t make it to spin class, unfortunately Marsia.

I’m on my hols! Just for a few days, but I finished up at 1pm today and I just felt a wave of joy cascade through me that I’m getting a break. I went for a run to celebrate. The weather has been great here all week.

I’m in one of my favourite cafes now, after having lunch of a chicken baguette and iced latte. Not the best, but whatevs. I’m playing a tennis match tonight with Dad, so at least I’m having an active day.

Full disclosure - I haven’t stopped smoking and I drank a bottle of wine last night and watched Flightplan. If any of you saw The Queen’s Gambit, I really related to the main character, moreso the drinking than being good at chess part. But yeah, it’s insidious. And destroying me.

But anyway. Four days off now. It’s easier to get into a healthy routine when I am not at work, so I’m starting again with no wine and no cigs. Let’s see how we go.
 
I agree, you can do this! I hope you'll keep writing from the perspective of the addictive parts that want to keep consuming things that aren't good for you. And I love hearing how gleeful you are for the time off- hope you thoroughly enjoy it!
 
- Thanks Cate. 3 down, 1 to go.
- Thanks Alexis. My food has definitely improved with having some time to cook. Made some nice meals for myself.
- I'm sure I'll always be writing about my addictive parts in some form, Marsia. I've built up a lot of vices, unfortunately!

Day 3 of holiday time. Today was a bit of a low day. It's raining, I had nothing much planned. I'm like a puppy that is constantly scratching at the door, looking to be let out and allowed to run around. That is not great really. It means I'm not very comfortable with myself at all. Even though I pretend to be. I talk a big game. Big game. Lol.

Watched the end of Ozark over the last 3 days - loved it. I might start something else this evening. Maybe Anatomy of a Scandal? Not sure.

I bought a little food diary and have filled in my plan for tomorrow. I'm hoping it will help and give me some focus. I have porridge, a prawn stir fry and tofu with salad planned for tomorrow. Just writing that out, I realise how nice all that food is. And I'll probably still end up craving chips and a burger. Sigh.

Tomorrow, I am helping out a friend and taking him out driving to help prep for his test in a few weeks. I like doing stuff like that. It's both social and helpful. I was meant to go to tennis in the morning, but I delayed replying for too long and missed out on my slot. Ah well. I have plenty more planned for the week ahead anyway. So I will go for a run and do some home yoga instead.

It's amazing how much the weather can affect your mood. The rain has really depressed me today. Maybe it's just Sundays. I don't know.

Anyway, let's hope my new book can help keep me on track with the food for the week to come. We always live in hope, I guess.
 
I think rainy Sundays can get anyone down. Soon you'll be out playing tennis more often & socialising more & hopefully, your mood will lift with the better weather. Good for you helping your friends with lessons.
 
I was thinking about how you would like to meet the person you'll marry soon, and I realized that when I felt like that, I took a friend's advice and did all the things I thought I wanted out of a partner. I went on adventures and did nice things for myself and started learning self compassion, ... It helped me a lot to realize I needed to do those things myself in order to be the type of person I want to attract. After doing this a while I met someone who is very unlike me, and not who I expected at all! So funny that's who I married!!

Anyway, I have been having those "I don't know what to do with myself today" type days occasionally lately. I think I need to do a relaxation practice so it's ok that I don't accomplish something or feel I have to do something interesting or life enhancing.

The new book sounds like a wonderful idea. Hope you like logging in it! With my vices, I have to substitute healthy things in their place, and it usually takes me a few tries (or more) to stick to the new healthy thing. I do think you are more than capable of transforming everything you'd like to!
 
- Thanks Cate. I enjoyed it.
- Thanks Marsia, I hope you're right!!!

Had a good couple of days with food and sleeping well and all that good stuff. Made a nice prawn stir-fry this evening with some pasta and played an hour of tennis, and played two hours of tennis yesterday. Muscles are aching a bit now. But the weather here is stunning, it was such a beautiful evening. I have a new tennis partner in the mixed, as Dad is constantly fighting Old Father Time and is a bit injured. We played pretty well together, he's a nice man. His wife came along to 'watch' for the first 10 minutes - I'd say she was trying to scope me out in case I was trying to 'nab' her husband. Note: he's about 20 years older than me. Anyway, my dad was there as well, so I'm sure that neutralised her a bit. Lol.

One of my tennis friends was telling me the other day that since she split up with her husband 7 years ago, she has not seen her friends' husbands since. She said in the past, they'd be all, 'Come over to the house', and now, they always want to meet her out somewhere. Isn't that kind of sad? She was like, 'As if I'd be interested in any of their husbands!' But, she explained it away in a nice way - that when you are so attracted so someone, you can't fathom how all the other women in the world aren't either. Anyway, it was a very interesting observation. I wonder if that is the reason I get so little invites now. I don't even mean from the 'stealing' perspective, I just mean that couples want to hang out with other couples, and I'm missing out. Anyway, whatever. Everyone is always missing out in some ways. That is life.

Not much else to report. I have a match on Friday, I desperately want to win it. I'd love to start playing amazing tennis and winning all round me. I guess it's bound to happen if I keep playing? Right?
 
So nice to hear you are doing so well, and love your enthusiasm about tennis! My mouth watered when I read about the prawns and pasta as I really need to go buy groceries, and that just sounds so good! I never like then we get invited places because we're a couple. I don't usually have as much in common with women as I do men, and I am usually paired up with someone I don't know what to talk about with (which is not so good for the old social anxiety.). I wouldn't take it personally if someone doesn't trust you with their husband. It could just mean that the husband may be worrisome. Maybe invite your friends (and maybe their husbands) out with you?
 
Hey Marsia. I do invite my oldschool friend group out on occasion, but they mostly decline, so I got tired of that. I'm not taking it personally at all about the woman watching us play with her husband, it sounds like I'm being conceited or something - it's not that. But when I met her, it very much felt like an evaluation and that she wasn't entirely happy about this development. It's very frustrating sometimes on this forum - just because I talk about things as a single woman in the world, it's not an attack on anyone who is in a marriage or a longterm relationship. This is my experience and impression of the world, whether right or wrong.

It kind of goes back to the Covid thing. I had my experience of it, I have my views on it, and another forum member chose to take it so personally that they no longer speak to me. It's a diary, for God's sake! It's meant to be raw. And I find myself constantly vetting what I say on here. Add that to the bag of rocks, why don't cha!!!

Anyway. It's late, I should be asleep. I'm frustrated with myself again. I love watching these Ricky Gervais videos on youtube - they are live streams that he started up during lockdown, and he does a new one every few weeks. Anyway, they asked him the question - 'If you could be a millionaire or do what you love and be poor, which would you choose?' And, I know, from his position, it's easy for him to say, 'Do what you love.' But he's also from a working class background, and in the video, he says that he didn't really have money till he was 40. But his message was that life is about doing what you love.

I am getting on really well in work, I enjoy it for the most part, there's a nice team there, it's paying me okay, and I know they like me in the team and respect my work. We had this presentation during the week and a few people mentioned ways I'd helped them, which was really lovely. But, am I really doing what I love? What would a day of doing what I love look like? I think this is the kind of stuff I need to get serious about and really make strides on getting there.

I played guitar this evening and sang for an hour, and played piano for a bit when I was at home the other day. That fulfills me. Writing here fulfills me. Writing in general really. Performing on stage. I need an outlet, basically. I don't have enough of an outlet in my day-to-day. And I'm getting more and more frustrated. I don't know what to do next. I'm talented but undisciplined. A lethal combination that makes you want to hide in your room and drink wine, because you are not living the life you truly want to live. I also need money. I can't live in a hovel. I need a car. I want holidays and nights out and all that good stuff. Sigh.

Signing out.
 
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