Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
I tear up watching the news, too. No one but a crazy dictator wants this war, and I just hope there is a way to end the violence quickly without it spreading to other countries. One good thing is that Europe is getting involved and there are now so many top strategists thinking of ways through this in as peaceful a way as possible. Hopefully the harsh economic sanctions help a lot.
I agree with Cate about looking at the small things in life and looking to family and how lucky we all are to be safe. It's wonderful how well your work is going and as far as age and how mature we all are, I can only say I've worked so hard the past 30 years to be a better person and I feel like I can see a major difference, but I do still slip up and the less mature parts of myself still show up at times. We're all like that, I think. Also, my career was always something I struggled with. Even when I found the right career, I didn't have the financial stability to volunteer in the field for 3 years in order to get my counseling license. So the one area I did fairly well in is in the relationship realm. And I have to say it's wonderful to have a partner and family, but it is still a ton of work and very hard to adjust every aspect of my life to living with other people with different goals and perspectives on things. It definitely is not a cure-all!
Glad you had a good week full of tennis, and I hope when you get the energy you can maybe go get some really good for you things to eat that help you feel energized again!
I agree with Cate about looking at the small things in life and looking to family and how lucky we all are to be safe. It's wonderful how well your work is going and as far as age and how mature we all are, I can only say I've worked so hard the past 30 years to be a better person and I feel like I can see a major difference, but I do still slip up and the less mature parts of myself still show up at times. We're all like that, I think. Also, my career was always something I struggled with. Even when I found the right career, I didn't have the financial stability to volunteer in the field for 3 years in order to get my counseling license. So the one area I did fairly well in is in the relationship realm. And I have to say it's wonderful to have a partner and family, but it is still a ton of work and very hard to adjust every aspect of my life to living with other people with different goals and perspectives on things. It definitely is not a cure-all!
Glad you had a good week full of tennis, and I hope when you get the energy you can maybe go get some really good for you things to eat that help you feel energized again!
Last edited:
~Happy Birthday, Em~ - Hi Cate. Thanks so much for the lovely birthday wishes. xxx
- Thanks Marsia. I think it's difficult to be successful at everything in life. We can only do our best, I guess.
- Tru, that is absolutely understandable. There's only so much energy we have for these things.
I had a wonderful birthday. It was a late one! I went out with the cast of the play, it was really fun. We had a singsong and lots of laughs and it was a lovely evening really. The only thing is that guy in the group that I suspect likes me is kind of beginning to irritate a bit. Like, he kept sitting next to me, and I don't know, it's just... really fecking awkward when you suspect someone likes you and you don't fancy them at all. And now, I can't get away from him. I just don't want to be giving him hope when there is none. Sometimes, you might be in two minds about someone - this isn't one of those times.
I don't know, I'd just like to ask the group if they'd like to go here or there with me, and not feel like he's going to say yes and be there every time. I am very ungrateful, I know. This is only a minor thing really. But I guess it's kind of veering towards the territory of being forced into conversation with him for the night and missing out on what's happening with everyone else. I'm exaggerating a bit, but... I don't know. It's hard to explain. We're not a couple. I just hope he realises that.
Anyway, I'm just irritated with myself right now. I'm finding it really difficult to knuckle down and start on a new 'plan' again. I desperately need to be dieting at this point. I'm so sick of the sight of myself, really. But I just feel despondent when I try to make positive changes. I actually feel happier feeling tired, hungover and fat, in some ways. I'm just used to it now, I guess.
And like, every weekend, I decide that I'll start, because I'm not under work pressure and it's easier not to smoke and stuff. But, for example, there's a coffee morning on Saturday that I really want to go to, but of course that means eating loads of cake and shite again. It just all seems impossible right now.
- Thanks Marsia. I think it's difficult to be successful at everything in life. We can only do our best, I guess.
- Tru, that is absolutely understandable. There's only so much energy we have for these things.
I had a wonderful birthday. It was a late one! I went out with the cast of the play, it was really fun. We had a singsong and lots of laughs and it was a lovely evening really. The only thing is that guy in the group that I suspect likes me is kind of beginning to irritate a bit. Like, he kept sitting next to me, and I don't know, it's just... really fecking awkward when you suspect someone likes you and you don't fancy them at all. And now, I can't get away from him. I just don't want to be giving him hope when there is none. Sometimes, you might be in two minds about someone - this isn't one of those times.
I don't know, I'd just like to ask the group if they'd like to go here or there with me, and not feel like he's going to say yes and be there every time. I am very ungrateful, I know. This is only a minor thing really. But I guess it's kind of veering towards the territory of being forced into conversation with him for the night and missing out on what's happening with everyone else. I'm exaggerating a bit, but... I don't know. It's hard to explain. We're not a couple. I just hope he realises that.
Anyway, I'm just irritated with myself right now. I'm finding it really difficult to knuckle down and start on a new 'plan' again. I desperately need to be dieting at this point. I'm so sick of the sight of myself, really. But I just feel despondent when I try to make positive changes. I actually feel happier feeling tired, hungover and fat, in some ways. I'm just used to it now, I guess.
And like, every weekend, I decide that I'll start, because I'm not under work pressure and it's easier not to smoke and stuff. But, for example, there's a coffee morning on Saturday that I really want to go to, but of course that means eating loads of cake and shite again. It just all seems impossible right now.
Cate
Long term member
I'm glad you had a wonderful birthday, Em. That must feel very awkward & a little uncomfortable with that guy sitting next to you all of the time. Can you let him know gently that there's no romance? Is he the one you went out with once? It's hard, but it sounds like he needs to know that he's no chance.
It's so hard to get motivated to lose weight & get healthy when you're just not feeling it. Not drinking makes so much difference. It took me years and years before I could kick the daily habit. Before I could not have had just one piccolo of bubbly, but now I can. It's just a habit that we have both got into & it's not so easy to get out of it. You would feel so much better if you could get back on track & even if you just make small changes you would notice the difference.
It's so hard to get motivated to lose weight & get healthy when you're just not feeling it. Not drinking makes so much difference. It took me years and years before I could kick the daily habit. Before I could not have had just one piccolo of bubbly, but now I can. It's just a habit that we have both got into & it's not so easy to get out of it. You would feel so much better if you could get back on track & even if you just make small changes you would notice the difference.
That sounds like a lovely birthday celebration! I agree with Cate about telling that guy gently that there is no chance of romance. It can be awkward to tell him, but maybe kinder in the long run. I also do that thing of thinking I'll start tomorrow or over the weekend or when I am not as stressed, ... with the new plan, but it only ever works if I start right now. Not that I am doing great at my plan, but I am really working on making it a habit so it isn't so hard to constantly have to remember to do. I think I need to just start with making one thing a habit, like no sweets or enough roughage for the day and add on from there. Also remembering how much better I feel after eating well or exercising helps and having substitutes for the really addictive things that are hard to give up.
I agree about not being good at everything, just being happy with myself for trying at hard things. You have so many positives in your life. I hope you are proud of what you have accomplished, even though there are some things you want to change!
I agree about not being good at everything, just being happy with myself for trying at hard things. You have so many positives in your life. I hope you are proud of what you have accomplished, even though there are some things you want to change!
- Hi Cate. Yeah, he's the guy that I went to see the play with. I don't think we're at the stage where I need to have a talk with him, but I guess I was just feeling slightly trapped on the night out, and I hate that feeling. Guess that's why I'm still single.
- Thank you so much Marsia, that's really lovely.
We had this weird call today in work where we had to answer questions about ourselves, and one of mine was what my greatest fear is. I answered honestly that it was a fear of the future, and wondering if everything would work out in the end. And the temp we have with us for a few weeks who was sitting next to me replied so earnestly, 'It will.' It felt like the warm hug I needed. I really want to believe her.
Lots of tricky tasks in work today that kept my mind occupied. I half enjoyed myself. I'm better with words but I don't mind getting stuck into the numbers from time to time. Sometimes I feel really blessed to have such a sharp mind. I asked the new guy in the office to do a job for me today that takes me 10 minutes. 40 minutes later, he was just about finished. He was moving at a snail's pace. I'm not sure he's going to survive this office. He's really sweet, and he came up to me today asking if he could help me with anything, cos I was doing some odd jobs around the office, and that was so genuine and kind. But we have two temps that will be gone in a couple of months, and I just worry that the full weight of the job hasn't been realised by him yet. Speed is crucial. Anyway, we'll have to wait and see.
I almost forgot my amazing news. I made the team for my tennis club. Only because someone has contracted Covid! Who knew that miserable bastard would do something for me in the end? My match is at the weekend. I have played 5 hours of tennis already this week, and I'll play another hour on Saturday, so I feel like I'm ready. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. My game has improved so much, I played really, really well last night. I'm actually enjoying it a lot more now because I'm feeling more relaxed and playing better. I also think I deserve this break. I have put so many hours in.
It's extremely satisfying to work hard at something and get better at it. I guess with school and work and everything, I don't generally have to kill myself, because I'm naturally good at it. I am not a natural sportsperson, so to get good enough to play on the team is such a triumph. The best part was ringing Dad last night and telling him the good news. Haha. He's dedicated a lot of time into helping me improve. He's a great dad.
- Thank you so much Marsia, that's really lovely.
We had this weird call today in work where we had to answer questions about ourselves, and one of mine was what my greatest fear is. I answered honestly that it was a fear of the future, and wondering if everything would work out in the end. And the temp we have with us for a few weeks who was sitting next to me replied so earnestly, 'It will.' It felt like the warm hug I needed. I really want to believe her.
Lots of tricky tasks in work today that kept my mind occupied. I half enjoyed myself. I'm better with words but I don't mind getting stuck into the numbers from time to time. Sometimes I feel really blessed to have such a sharp mind. I asked the new guy in the office to do a job for me today that takes me 10 minutes. 40 minutes later, he was just about finished. He was moving at a snail's pace. I'm not sure he's going to survive this office. He's really sweet, and he came up to me today asking if he could help me with anything, cos I was doing some odd jobs around the office, and that was so genuine and kind. But we have two temps that will be gone in a couple of months, and I just worry that the full weight of the job hasn't been realised by him yet. Speed is crucial. Anyway, we'll have to wait and see.
I almost forgot my amazing news. I made the team for my tennis club. Only because someone has contracted Covid! Who knew that miserable bastard would do something for me in the end? My match is at the weekend. I have played 5 hours of tennis already this week, and I'll play another hour on Saturday, so I feel like I'm ready. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself. My game has improved so much, I played really, really well last night. I'm actually enjoying it a lot more now because I'm feeling more relaxed and playing better. I also think I deserve this break. I have put so many hours in.
It's extremely satisfying to work hard at something and get better at it. I guess with school and work and everything, I don't generally have to kill myself, because I'm naturally good at it. I am not a natural sportsperson, so to get good enough to play on the team is such a triumph. The best part was ringing Dad last night and telling him the good news. Haha. He's dedicated a lot of time into helping me improve. He's a great dad.
Cate
Long term member
You'll sort it out then or he'll pick up that you're not interested.
The new guy may have been making sure he didn't make any mistakes & may not realise that speed is so important. I know I do that until I'm confident with something. He does sound thoughtful.
Well done on making the tennis team. Have fun!
Alexistrophic
Member
Congratulations for making the team for the tennis club!!!! That's amazing news!!!
So great you made the team. I know what you mean about hard victories being extra rewarding, and I loved reading your description of telling your dad!
I was listening to an old Russel Brand interview today on overcoming addictions, and he talked about being able to be there for our future selves as a way to bypass immediate impulses of the lower brain for instant gratification. I like this idea, and it's kind of like how you worked so hard on something that doesn't come naturally to make the team. I think when we get so we can do that for our future selves, we'll have so much less trouble with this whole weird dieting thing. I'd love to hear what you think of this, if I am making any sort of sense, that is.
I was listening to an old Russel Brand interview today on overcoming addictions, and he talked about being able to be there for our future selves as a way to bypass immediate impulses of the lower brain for instant gratification. I like this idea, and it's kind of like how you worked so hard on something that doesn't come naturally to make the team. I think when we get so we can do that for our future selves, we'll have so much less trouble with this whole weird dieting thing. I'd love to hear what you think of this, if I am making any sort of sense, that is.
Last edited:
- Thanks Cate.
- Hi Alexis, thank you!
- Hi Marsia. I picked up Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, over the weekend, and I'm working my way through it. I guess my thoughts on what you said is that you can't care about your future self if you're not looking after your present one. That's the hurdle I'm having trouble overcoming. I'm not accepting my present self, and rejecting that means jeopardising any chance of a happy future.
I'm not feeling particularly happy at the moment, so if you don't want to read some heavy shit, then please don't.
I've been thinking a lot about the concept of shame, and carrying shame around, and how that is really the root of a lot of the issues I currently have. Everywhere I go, there it is. This shame. This feeling of being 'not enough.' Not enough for who? Not enough for me. And I'm tired of carrying this bag of shame, which feels like a bag of rocks, around with me.
I walk along a dusty path in a land unknown. I meet a kind stranger. 'Hi there', the stranger greets me. 'Hello', I mutter, head down. I just want to get on with things. The bag I'm carrying is heavy. This stranger is wasting my time. 'What you got there?' The stranger indicates the bag on my shoulder. 'Oh, nothing', I say. 'Nothing?' he asks, disbelieving. 'Show me', he says. For some reason, I decide to show him. I take the bag off my shoulder. I open it, displaying the bag of rocks.
He shakes his head. 'What are you carrying those rocks around for? What do you need them for?' I think about it for a moment. 'I don't know what to do with them', I tell him. He looks at me, appraising the situation. 'There's a river not far from here. It's only about another hour's walk. You'll know it when you come to it. Why don't you take that bag of rocks and dump them into that river?'
I think about it. 'But then, what do I do?'
He smiles at me. 'Then, my friend, you are free to move on to your next destination, with nothing weighing you down.'
He tips his hat and walks past me, down the dusty road. I look back at him, and contemplate what to do next.
- Hi Alexis, thank you!
- Hi Marsia. I picked up Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, over the weekend, and I'm working my way through it. I guess my thoughts on what you said is that you can't care about your future self if you're not looking after your present one. That's the hurdle I'm having trouble overcoming. I'm not accepting my present self, and rejecting that means jeopardising any chance of a happy future.
I'm not feeling particularly happy at the moment, so if you don't want to read some heavy shit, then please don't.
I've been thinking a lot about the concept of shame, and carrying shame around, and how that is really the root of a lot of the issues I currently have. Everywhere I go, there it is. This shame. This feeling of being 'not enough.' Not enough for who? Not enough for me. And I'm tired of carrying this bag of shame, which feels like a bag of rocks, around with me.
I walk along a dusty path in a land unknown. I meet a kind stranger. 'Hi there', the stranger greets me. 'Hello', I mutter, head down. I just want to get on with things. The bag I'm carrying is heavy. This stranger is wasting my time. 'What you got there?' The stranger indicates the bag on my shoulder. 'Oh, nothing', I say. 'Nothing?' he asks, disbelieving. 'Show me', he says. For some reason, I decide to show him. I take the bag off my shoulder. I open it, displaying the bag of rocks.
He shakes his head. 'What are you carrying those rocks around for? What do you need them for?' I think about it for a moment. 'I don't know what to do with them', I tell him. He looks at me, appraising the situation. 'There's a river not far from here. It's only about another hour's walk. You'll know it when you come to it. Why don't you take that bag of rocks and dump them into that river?'
I think about it. 'But then, what do I do?'
He smiles at me. 'Then, my friend, you are free to move on to your next destination, with nothing weighing you down.'
He tips his hat and walks past me, down the dusty road. I look back at him, and contemplate what to do next.
Wow, I love your analogy. In my psychology training, we learned about how clients don't have symptoms unless there is a positive reason for them to hold on to that particular problem. (Like with me and social anxiety, the payoff and reason I don't conquer the anxiety is that I have a positive association with avoiding people - it makes me feel safe from criticism. So when trying to face my social anxiety, the part of me that likes to feel safe fights the healthier part that wants to be more social.) Anyway, my point is that you are holding on to the bag of rocks because ________ reason. So figuring out the reason is going to help you find other ways to get that particular need met than dragging around the bag of rocks.
Also I try to differentiate between shame and blame and guilt. With guilt, there is a healthy acknowledgement that I did something I am not proud of, and I need to do better next time. So I work on myself and slowly get better at that thing that was hurting other people (the thing I was doing "wrong"). With shame, there is a sense of me being "wrong" as a person. This is not healthy because it is taking it too personally that I did something "wrong". I did something wrong, therefore I am wrong. This is not correct. We are not our actions, our feelings, or our judgements of ourselves. We are changeable. Then blame - I should feel terrible because this is my fault. Maybe this is ok in the short term if I did something that really hurt someone. But in the long term, constantly feeling to blame gets in the way of rolling up my sleeves and either making amends or going out into the world and doing good things to make up for the fact that I couldn't make amends, so instead I am going to give back. (I have a friend who crashed into a bridge and permanently paralyzed her friend in the passenger seat of the car because she didn't watch where she was driving while changing a music CD. So she couldn't fix her friend, but she could become a medical doctor and give back to the world. So, that is what she did.).
I have a lot of trouble accepting myself, too. I am realizing that acceptance is not complicity. I can have compassion for myself while also working on improving the things about myself that are rough around the edges. And if I don't accept where I am, I also can't change it because then I am fighting myself in non-acceptance.
Ok, hope this doesn't sound long and preachy! Hugs!!
Also I try to differentiate between shame and blame and guilt. With guilt, there is a healthy acknowledgement that I did something I am not proud of, and I need to do better next time. So I work on myself and slowly get better at that thing that was hurting other people (the thing I was doing "wrong"). With shame, there is a sense of me being "wrong" as a person. This is not healthy because it is taking it too personally that I did something "wrong". I did something wrong, therefore I am wrong. This is not correct. We are not our actions, our feelings, or our judgements of ourselves. We are changeable. Then blame - I should feel terrible because this is my fault. Maybe this is ok in the short term if I did something that really hurt someone. But in the long term, constantly feeling to blame gets in the way of rolling up my sleeves and either making amends or going out into the world and doing good things to make up for the fact that I couldn't make amends, so instead I am going to give back. (I have a friend who crashed into a bridge and permanently paralyzed her friend in the passenger seat of the car because she didn't watch where she was driving while changing a music CD. So she couldn't fix her friend, but she could become a medical doctor and give back to the world. So, that is what she did.).
I have a lot of trouble accepting myself, too. I am realizing that acceptance is not complicity. I can have compassion for myself while also working on improving the things about myself that are rough around the edges. And if I don't accept where I am, I also can't change it because then I am fighting myself in non-acceptance.
Ok, hope this doesn't sound long and preachy! Hugs!!
I loved your post Marsia, thank you. I can quickly turn guilt about something into overwhelming shame. Like, there was an incident on Sunday that I feel guilty about, where I completely overreacted about something and had a temper tantrum and showed myself up really, and instead of acknowledging that it happened and that I must work on this anger problem, it transformed into shame, and I added a few more rocks to the bag. It's so difficult sometimes. But I can't help but feel really disappointed in myself.
Anyway, I had a good evening tonight. One of the lads asked me to stick around after tennis for a drink (in a group, but it was still nice that he said it to me in particular). Then when I was going back to the car to grab my purse, I bumped into an old flame. A brief old flame, but flame none-the-less. Anyway, he was looking so good. It reminded me that I have managed to put the bag of rocks down from time to time, heavily aided by alcohol of course, but still. We had a nice chat. At the end, he said, 'It was really good to see you', and I felt that old spark was still very much there. He's such a good-looking guy, he kind of reminds me of Penn Badgley - dark hair, dark eyes, pretty face. He's also a very sweet, humble guy as well, and quite artistic too. Anyway, I think he has a baby with someone now, so it's not like anything will start up again, but it was a reminder that I badly needed. It warmed up my heart a bit. I have been lucky at times.
I'm also playing sizzling tennis. All the hard work and long hours have paid off bigtime. So proud of that.
Tomorrow is a cleaning and sleeping day and I might try to get a walk in if the sun is shining. I'm obsessed with Ozark at the moment, so that's the plan for the rest of the night. It's 9pm already. Where does the time go? I have a couple of days off now (we got an extra bank holiday because Covid ruined people's lives for so long) so I can catch up on sleep and books and chores and exercise and everything. I'm reading The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley at the moment. All her books kind of follow the same pattern, but they're good. I love a good murder mystery.
Anyway, I had a good evening tonight. One of the lads asked me to stick around after tennis for a drink (in a group, but it was still nice that he said it to me in particular). Then when I was going back to the car to grab my purse, I bumped into an old flame. A brief old flame, but flame none-the-less. Anyway, he was looking so good. It reminded me that I have managed to put the bag of rocks down from time to time, heavily aided by alcohol of course, but still. We had a nice chat. At the end, he said, 'It was really good to see you', and I felt that old spark was still very much there. He's such a good-looking guy, he kind of reminds me of Penn Badgley - dark hair, dark eyes, pretty face. He's also a very sweet, humble guy as well, and quite artistic too. Anyway, I think he has a baby with someone now, so it's not like anything will start up again, but it was a reminder that I badly needed. It warmed up my heart a bit. I have been lucky at times.
I'm also playing sizzling tennis. All the hard work and long hours have paid off bigtime. So proud of that.
Tomorrow is a cleaning and sleeping day and I might try to get a walk in if the sun is shining. I'm obsessed with Ozark at the moment, so that's the plan for the rest of the night. It's 9pm already. Where does the time go? I have a couple of days off now (we got an extra bank holiday because Covid ruined people's lives for so long) so I can catch up on sleep and books and chores and exercise and everything. I'm reading The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley at the moment. All her books kind of follow the same pattern, but they're good. I love a good murder mystery.
Last edited:
Cate
Long term member
I just ordered that book from the library. I love a good murder mystery too.
I'm glad that tennis is so rewarding for you at the moment, Em. You must put that bag of rocks down when you're with the tennis club. I hope it starts to get lighter & lighter. Enjoy your break from work.
I'm glad that tennis is so rewarding for you at the moment, Em. You must put that bag of rocks down when you're with the tennis club. I hope it starts to get lighter & lighter. Enjoy your break from work.
I do something similar in my marriage at times. I have trouble standing up for what I want and then suddenly get really frustrated and give an angry lecture instead of explaining why I am getting frustrated. I try to replay the scene and practice what I would have like to have done. I think it is helping and I am lecturing a lot less lately, so that feels really good.
That's so nice you had a good catch up with your old boyfriend and it made you feel happy! I don't do well with breakups, and generally throw myself behind a large object and hide if I see an old boyfriend!! And wonderful you are really enjoying how well tennis is going! I used to love reading murder mysteries. Can't wait to get to read again.
Alexistrophic
Member
Happy belated birthday!!! I loved Ozark, too!!! Can't wait for the second half of season 4!!!
- The book turned out to be subpar, Cate. I hope you enjoy it more than I did. Still, it's a quick read.
- Hi Marsia. 'Boyfriend' would not be the correct term in this instance, but it was still nice that it was a pleasant meeting.
- Finally up-to-date on Ozark, Alexis - what a show! Wendy is a maniac!
I haven't been well the last few days. Hacking cough, chills, no energy. I've worked from home the last few days. Took my first antigen test - negative! thank the heavens. Couldn't be dealing with that. Apparently, things are going round. Negative antigen tests across the board, but seems to be a flu of some sort.
My theory: we've all gone out over the bank holiday weekend and been with way more people than what stands for 'normal' in the last 2 years, and our bodies can't hack it. It's probably the most normal reaction in the world to get sick.
Anyway, I'm on the mend. The week is going well. I'm reading a book on addictions at the moment. Actually, the sickness has inspired me to read a lot more, as I have spent the last few evenings in bed, instead of running myself ragged trying to be healthy and thin and fit and everything I'm supposed to be. So I've been reading. I realise how important it is for me to read. Obviously, I read posts on here, and the news, and other online stuff - it's not the same as reading a proper book. I just feel like my mind has been watered a bit from the stuff I've been learning.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I wake up in a white room with blinding sunshine pouring in through the light curtains, billowing from the breeze of the open window.
'It's you', I say.
'Oh, it's me all right', he answers, tipping his hat and taking a seat in the chair next to the bed. His beard looks dusty.
'You're finally taking a well-earned rest', he says, nodding to me, lying in my hospital bed.
I cough in reply. 'Yeah, I got sick', I reply sheepishly.
'Well, I would argue that you've probably been sick for a long time.' He raises his eyebrows.
'I still kept walking though', I retort.
'Speaking of walking, where are you hiding that bag of rocks?' he asks. He starts to pat the duvet. It doesn't take long for his hands to rest on a slightly raised part of the duvet beside my hip. 'Ah', he says. 'You're not hiding them very well.'
'Yeah, but at least I'm not carrying them anymore, right?'
He smiles. 'There's no point in making yourself ill so that you don't have to carry them anymore. Get well, pick that bag up again, and toss them in that river that I told you about.'
With that, he stood up, tipped his hat at me again, and was gone. I braced myself for the next part of the journey.
- Hi Marsia. 'Boyfriend' would not be the correct term in this instance, but it was still nice that it was a pleasant meeting.
- Finally up-to-date on Ozark, Alexis - what a show! Wendy is a maniac!
I haven't been well the last few days. Hacking cough, chills, no energy. I've worked from home the last few days. Took my first antigen test - negative! thank the heavens. Couldn't be dealing with that. Apparently, things are going round. Negative antigen tests across the board, but seems to be a flu of some sort.
My theory: we've all gone out over the bank holiday weekend and been with way more people than what stands for 'normal' in the last 2 years, and our bodies can't hack it. It's probably the most normal reaction in the world to get sick.
Anyway, I'm on the mend. The week is going well. I'm reading a book on addictions at the moment. Actually, the sickness has inspired me to read a lot more, as I have spent the last few evenings in bed, instead of running myself ragged trying to be healthy and thin and fit and everything I'm supposed to be. So I've been reading. I realise how important it is for me to read. Obviously, I read posts on here, and the news, and other online stuff - it's not the same as reading a proper book. I just feel like my mind has been watered a bit from the stuff I've been learning.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I wake up in a white room with blinding sunshine pouring in through the light curtains, billowing from the breeze of the open window.
'It's you', I say.
'Oh, it's me all right', he answers, tipping his hat and taking a seat in the chair next to the bed. His beard looks dusty.
'You're finally taking a well-earned rest', he says, nodding to me, lying in my hospital bed.
I cough in reply. 'Yeah, I got sick', I reply sheepishly.
'Well, I would argue that you've probably been sick for a long time.' He raises his eyebrows.
'I still kept walking though', I retort.
'Speaking of walking, where are you hiding that bag of rocks?' he asks. He starts to pat the duvet. It doesn't take long for his hands to rest on a slightly raised part of the duvet beside my hip. 'Ah', he says. 'You're not hiding them very well.'
'Yeah, but at least I'm not carrying them anymore, right?'
He smiles. 'There's no point in making yourself ill so that you don't have to carry them anymore. Get well, pick that bag up again, and toss them in that river that I told you about.'
With that, he stood up, tipped his hat at me again, and was gone. I braced myself for the next part of the journey.
So sorry you are feeling so bad, but glad it's not Covid! I think you should go to the river and happily skip those rocks across the water and have a blast doing it! The part of your story that intrigues me is how the bearded man says you are making yourself sick so you don't have to carry the bag of rocks. Do you think he means that you are punishing yourself as a form of penance or something like that? By the way, Jungian analysts would be very proud of you. You are doing active imagination, which is a very good way of giving your subconscious a creative voice! You can't change what you don't first acknowledge, and it's wonderful you are acknowledging things in story form that aren't usually accessible to our rational minds that don't usually listen to the messy, emotional subconscious!! Hope you enjoy your books. I am so envious - I absolutely can't wait to have time to read all my wonderful books!