Cate
Long term member
I usually don’t remember where I saw book recommendations anyway, Em
I might give this a try!
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Alexistrophic
Member
Yes - very glad that you don't have the dreaded C-v-d! And I completely agree about immune systems - we've all been cooped up for so long that our bodies don't know how to deal when we do go out.
Good for you for doing that interior work. Very insightful self-analysis.
Hoping you feel physically better soon... or that your emotions/subconscious lead the way to feeling better. Whichever comes first!
(and PS - It just occurred to me that I totally stole inspiration for my diary title from your diary. Imitation = flattery for sure. I wish there was a way to give you credit in my title!!!)
Good for you for doing that interior work. Very insightful self-analysis.
Hoping you feel physically better soon... or that your emotions/subconscious lead the way to feeling better. Whichever comes first!
(and PS - It just occurred to me that I totally stole inspiration for my diary title from your diary. Imitation = flattery for sure. I wish there was a way to give you credit in my title!!!)
I have been thinking about your lovely story. I'd love for the rocks to speak and tell what their purpose is. Then you can find positive ways of accomplishing the task that they provide in your life. Like for me guilt is usually a reminder to treat myself and other people better. Then I have to be really careful to sidestep beating myself up for not doing well at that, and instead do things like picturing how grateful I am for these people in my life, or I can go genuinely compliment someone I wasn't treating so well, or I can start treating myself the way I want to treat everyone else as good practice, ... Anyway, I think doing active imagination with that bag of rocks could be beneficial - like what do you feel like if you put the bag down? Are the rocks asking for anything? Do they want to be carried around or where would they like to live now, ...? Is carrying the rocks around a way of distracting yourself from people or a way to be in a reactive place where you ultimately push people away so you don't get hurt by them?
Usually something persistent like carrying guilt around means there is something very positive your symptom is telling you that you need to learn, but you are just trying to accomplish this thing in a not-optimal way, and the symptom will disappear when you learn to carry out its positive message in a more beneficial way. It's often that less mature parts of ourselves need things, and they don't know how to accomplish those things in a healthy way. So it's generally good to listen to those less mature parts and figure out healthy ways of getting what they want. Then you help them mature and learn to take care of you better. I hope I am making sense - just woke up!
Usually something persistent like carrying guilt around means there is something very positive your symptom is telling you that you need to learn, but you are just trying to accomplish this thing in a not-optimal way, and the symptom will disappear when you learn to carry out its positive message in a more beneficial way. It's often that less mature parts of ourselves need things, and they don't know how to accomplish those things in a healthy way. So it's generally good to listen to those less mature parts and figure out healthy ways of getting what they want. Then you help them mature and learn to take care of you better. I hope I am making sense - just woke up!
- Hi Marsia.
- I'm not really concerned about what the rocks want, I just want to get rid of them.
- The rocks would like to be back in the river, I think!
- I think the bag of rocks can be used as a weapon and also protection, maybe. It's also a distraction I think. They're slowing me down bigtime.
Thanks for your thoughtful posts, very interesting and educational!!
- That's good Cate, haha!
- I love a bit of flattery Alexis!
I'm still not feeling fantastic, I have to say. I'm very out of sorts this evening. I feel really hot and overtired and my brain kind of feels stretched. I've had two bad night's sleep in a row and I'm feeling the effects. I really, really, really want to drink wine tonight but I have a big tennis match tomorrow that is more important to me, so I did not buy any! I'm already worried about tomorrow night, but I'll deal with that tomorrow night I guess. I'm actually getting a new housemate tomorrow, so it's all go. Let's hope we get on.
I don't really know what to do with myself for the evening. I got a new pair of sunglasses on my lunch break and got the grip of my racket sorted after work and got a new cap. The weather is beautiful today and meant to be the same tomorrow. The lift in people here when the sun comes out is amazing. Ireland is a stunning country in the sunshine.
I also bought a tennis top that is XL but looks so bad on me. That depressed me a bit, I have to admit. But I have other more flattering stuff I can wear tomorrow. I just want to be able to wear all the cute tennis gear and I'm just too heavy right now! Yes, it is a first world problem and I don't care!! Haha.
I bought these little mini cans of fever-tree elderflower tonic to try to fool my brain that I am drinking alcohol. They're quite effective, and they're really small, so you can have a few and it doesn't do too much carnage calorie-wise. Sometimes I think to myself, Jesus Christ, I would not drink a 750 ml bottle of Coke every night, and yet I would happily drink that in wine. It's chronic. No wonder I've put on so much weight.
I've spent a bit of my evening fantasising about a guy in the tennis club. He's not available, and he's not even that young or hot or anything (although he is good-looking) but there's just something about him. He just seems like he knows what he's about, you know? I don't know what he works as, but in my head, he's a doctor. You know, that kind of a guy. Smart, direct, confident. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. NOT TO BE PURSUED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. But fantasies are okay. Haha. This is the kind of shit that I'm probably trying to keep in check with the wine. The bag of rocks = sexual frustration at this stage, I think.
I think what he meant was that I was making myself sick so that I could just lie in a bed and not have to worry about the outside world at all.
- If I put the bag down, I feel empty.
- I'm not really concerned about what the rocks want, I just want to get rid of them.
- The rocks would like to be back in the river, I think!
- I think the bag of rocks can be used as a weapon and also protection, maybe. It's also a distraction I think. They're slowing me down bigtime.
Thanks for your thoughtful posts, very interesting and educational!!
- That's good Cate, haha!
- I love a bit of flattery Alexis!
I'm still not feeling fantastic, I have to say. I'm very out of sorts this evening. I feel really hot and overtired and my brain kind of feels stretched. I've had two bad night's sleep in a row and I'm feeling the effects. I really, really, really want to drink wine tonight but I have a big tennis match tomorrow that is more important to me, so I did not buy any! I'm already worried about tomorrow night, but I'll deal with that tomorrow night I guess. I'm actually getting a new housemate tomorrow, so it's all go. Let's hope we get on.
I don't really know what to do with myself for the evening. I got a new pair of sunglasses on my lunch break and got the grip of my racket sorted after work and got a new cap. The weather is beautiful today and meant to be the same tomorrow. The lift in people here when the sun comes out is amazing. Ireland is a stunning country in the sunshine.
I also bought a tennis top that is XL but looks so bad on me.
That depressed me a bit, I have to admit. But I have other more flattering stuff I can wear tomorrow. I just want to be able to wear all the cute tennis gear and I'm just too heavy right now! Yes, it is a first world problem and I don't care!! Haha.I bought these little mini cans of fever-tree elderflower tonic to try to fool my brain that I am drinking alcohol. They're quite effective, and they're really small, so you can have a few and it doesn't do too much carnage calorie-wise. Sometimes I think to myself, Jesus Christ, I would not drink a 750 ml bottle of Coke every night, and yet I would happily drink that in wine. It's chronic. No wonder I've put on so much weight.
I've spent a bit of my evening fantasising about a guy in the tennis club. He's not available, and he's not even that young or hot or anything (although he is good-looking) but there's just something about him. He just seems like he knows what he's about, you know? I don't know what he works as, but in my head, he's a doctor. You know, that kind of a guy. Smart, direct, confident. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. NOT TO BE PURSUED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. But fantasies are okay. Haha. This is the kind of shit that I'm probably trying to keep in check with the wine. The bag of rocks = sexual frustration at this stage, I think.
Cate
Long term member
Have you tried no or very low alcohol wine, Em? I have been trying out various ones & hit upon one that I enjoy, that really fools my brain. Bubbly works for me, even without the alcohol. They are usually very low in cals as well.
Edit: Just saw this & thought of you-
Edit: Just saw this & thought of you-
Last edited:
I haven't tried the no alcohol wine Cate, but the small tins of flavoured tonic are working for me right now. Well, they worked for me last night anyway. I like the quote, thank you. I agree, the sadness or whatever is only with us for a short time, then it moves on. Then comes back again, unfortunately.
Interesting Development - Re: Bag of Rocks
Brains are very interesting things. I've been talking on here for the last while about carrying this bag of rocks around with me and needing desperately to rid myself of them. Today, I have the proof that my brain has been listening! But it's getting very confused.
Case Study #1
I bought a new visor yesterday evening (€25 - those things are not cheap) and put it on in the dressing room before going outside. Then I decided it was annoying me and decided to take it off until the match started. Got onto the court - couldn't find the visor anywhere. Went back to the clubhouse - turned out I dropped it!, but I got it back before the match started.
We played the match, my parents came to watch and everything, they are so cute. My tennis partner Claire was talking afterwards about what a kind, beautiful face my mum has. That was really sweet. She also said that she always studies people's eyes when she talks to them and my dad has 'really honest eyes and you could tell he would never do harm to anyone.' Seeing my parents through someone else's eyes makes me realise what an ungrateful sod I am a lot of the time. But anyway...
We lost the match, I was very narky for about 10 minutes, but I thawed out and sipped my Heineken Zero and cheered up a bit. It was disappointing though. I always have such high hopes. It wasn't even a close match, so that was worse. Anyway, the sun was shining, we watched the other ladies from our club play a brilliant game and win, and we all had a lovely chat after.
Case Study #2
We all said our goodbyes and I made my way back to the car. Then I realised I couldn't find my keys anywhere. I rang my mum asking if they had taken them by accident. No, they didn't have them. Feck, where are they? I made my way back to the clubhouse again, asking about my keys this time. Turns out I had dropped them, but they were handed in. I retrieved the keys and headed back to the car.
Case Study #3
On my way back to the car, I rang my mum again to tell her that I had the keys. She told me her and dad were heading off to the cinema for themselves for the evening. God, I'm so glad she's back. As I talked to her, I noticed that my wrist felt lighter all of a sudden. I looked down and found that the strap on my Fitbit had broken, so my watch had fallen off and landed on the grass.
(Sidenote: Fitbit watch straps are the biggest pile of shite going. I think this is the third or fourth time the thing has broken on me. Sigh.)
Now, the good news is that my brain has clearly got the message to put down the bag of rocks, but it's taken that to mean anything I am physically holding, I'm dropping, and not the actual emotional baggage that I mean!!! This is a very dangerous turn of events, haha. I'll only be left with the shirt on my back if this doesn't stop!
To be continued...
Interesting Development - Re: Bag of Rocks
Brains are very interesting things. I've been talking on here for the last while about carrying this bag of rocks around with me and needing desperately to rid myself of them. Today, I have the proof that my brain has been listening! But it's getting very confused.
Case Study #1
I bought a new visor yesterday evening (€25 - those things are not cheap) and put it on in the dressing room before going outside. Then I decided it was annoying me and decided to take it off until the match started. Got onto the court - couldn't find the visor anywhere. Went back to the clubhouse - turned out I dropped it!, but I got it back before the match started.
We played the match, my parents came to watch and everything, they are so cute. My tennis partner Claire was talking afterwards about what a kind, beautiful face my mum has. That was really sweet. She also said that she always studies people's eyes when she talks to them and my dad has 'really honest eyes and you could tell he would never do harm to anyone.' Seeing my parents through someone else's eyes makes me realise what an ungrateful sod I am a lot of the time. But anyway...
We lost the match, I was very narky for about 10 minutes, but I thawed out and sipped my Heineken Zero and cheered up a bit. It was disappointing though. I always have such high hopes. It wasn't even a close match, so that was worse. Anyway, the sun was shining, we watched the other ladies from our club play a brilliant game and win, and we all had a lovely chat after.
Case Study #2
We all said our goodbyes and I made my way back to the car. Then I realised I couldn't find my keys anywhere. I rang my mum asking if they had taken them by accident. No, they didn't have them. Feck, where are they? I made my way back to the clubhouse again, asking about my keys this time. Turns out I had dropped them, but they were handed in. I retrieved the keys and headed back to the car.
Case Study #3
On my way back to the car, I rang my mum again to tell her that I had the keys. She told me her and dad were heading off to the cinema for themselves for the evening. God, I'm so glad she's back. As I talked to her, I noticed that my wrist felt lighter all of a sudden. I looked down and found that the strap on my Fitbit had broken, so my watch had fallen off and landed on the grass.
(Sidenote: Fitbit watch straps are the biggest pile of shite going. I think this is the third or fourth time the thing has broken on me. Sigh.)
Now, the good news is that my brain has clearly got the message to put down the bag of rocks, but it's taken that to mean anything I am physically holding, I'm dropping, and not the actual emotional baggage that I mean!!! This is a very dangerous turn of events, haha. I'll only be left with the shirt on my back if this doesn't stop!
To be continued...
Cate
Long term member
It’s lovely that your parents came to watch you play & it’s nice to hear someone praising them. I’m really glad your Mum is recovering well. You will appreciate them more I’m sure now you know what it felt like to lose the Mum you thought you had & then to get her back. It must have been so hard for your Dad too.
We’ll done on the Heineken Zero, Em.
Now, just stick to dropping those rocks!
We’ll done on the Heineken Zero, Em.
Now, just stick to dropping those rocks!
Wow, so weird, I've been dropping things like crazy, too, including my driver's license. I am really happy that the active imagination with your bag of rocks is going so well. The cool thing about working with a dream image or an active imagination image is that they almost never stand for just one thing, and I have had dreams I still refer back to that I still get a lot out of even years later. Metaphorical imagery (which is the language of the psyche) is so wonderful that way. I'm sure you know this as a writer!
I'd really like to love Fitbits, but the two I had either kept falling off, or just disintegrated into little pieces. I just use an app on my phone now.
Anyway, glad you got to enjoy the tournament even though you didn't win. I have had a lot of times in my life where I am the least accomplished artist in a room or landscape of people sketching, and it can be a little disappointing to see how far I have to go, but also so cool to have the opportunity to sketch with such knowledgeable people.
That must be amazing to have your mom back. I miss my mom a lot lately. So glad you had a nice day with them!
I'd really like to love Fitbits, but the two I had either kept falling off, or just disintegrated into little pieces. I just use an app on my phone now.
Anyway, glad you got to enjoy the tournament even though you didn't win. I have had a lot of times in my life where I am the least accomplished artist in a room or landscape of people sketching, and it can be a little disappointing to see how far I have to go, but also so cool to have the opportunity to sketch with such knowledgeable people.
That must be amazing to have your mom back. I miss my mom a lot lately. So glad you had a nice day with them!
- Thanks Cate and Marsia. x
Overall, it's been a good week. I ran the drama class earlier in the week and got a lovely text message from someone that was there that really enjoyed it, so that felt great. The experience was incredibly draining because I don't feel confident that I know enough about what I'm talking about, but no one seemed to really notice, and I think it went well overall.
I also got another really complimentary email about my contribution to a big meeting in work, which was great. And there's a potential business trip in the pipeline in a couple of months, which of course my immediate reaction to is that I need to lose weight! But it's a huge plus to be asked to go.
I also had a nice catch-up phone call with a friend on Sunday, and we are going to a concert together next weekend, which will be really fun. The weeks are just flying by, April already. Eek! I need to get my ass in gear. Today was probably the freshest day I've had in a long, long time. My voice was cracked for weeks after the play, it's finally back to normal. I still have a really bad cough from my sickness last week, but at least my speaking voice no longer sounds like I'm smoking 40 a day. (I'm not, don't worry.)
I went to the cinema last night to see a really cool Norwegian film called The Worst Person in the World. It was great. Not at all what I was expecting, which is why I enjoyed it so much I think. If you liked Amelie, you'll love this is my one-line review.
I did a bit of yoga during the week after a break since January I discovered when I looked back through my planner. Eek! Must get back into it. It's so beneficial for me. My new housemate is going on a yoga retreat at the weekend, so we have something in common already. She seems nice - she kind of reminds me of my former housemate that I had the falling out with in the past, and they share the same name, so I'm going to tread lightly, haha. I'm not really the same person that I was back then anymore anyway. Which is a good thing, I think.
I went home to my parents tonight and we've arranged for my cousin and godson to come for dinner next week. He's just turned 21, so I have a card for him with some cash in it and a toblerone that says 'Godson' on it, which is kind of cute. I'm probably the worst godmother in the world. I'll make it up to him at some point, I'm sure. Lots of years left to make amends, haha.
I'll sign off with one of the classics to mark the start of a new month, new era:
Overall, it's been a good week. I ran the drama class earlier in the week and got a lovely text message from someone that was there that really enjoyed it, so that felt great. The experience was incredibly draining because I don't feel confident that I know enough about what I'm talking about, but no one seemed to really notice, and I think it went well overall.
I also got another really complimentary email about my contribution to a big meeting in work, which was great. And there's a potential business trip in the pipeline in a couple of months, which of course my immediate reaction to is that I need to lose weight! But it's a huge plus to be asked to go.
I also had a nice catch-up phone call with a friend on Sunday, and we are going to a concert together next weekend, which will be really fun. The weeks are just flying by, April already. Eek! I need to get my ass in gear. Today was probably the freshest day I've had in a long, long time. My voice was cracked for weeks after the play, it's finally back to normal. I still have a really bad cough from my sickness last week, but at least my speaking voice no longer sounds like I'm smoking 40 a day. (I'm not, don't worry.)
I went to the cinema last night to see a really cool Norwegian film called The Worst Person in the World. It was great. Not at all what I was expecting, which is why I enjoyed it so much I think. If you liked Amelie, you'll love this is my one-line review.
I did a bit of yoga during the week after a break since January I discovered when I looked back through my planner. Eek! Must get back into it. It's so beneficial for me. My new housemate is going on a yoga retreat at the weekend, so we have something in common already. She seems nice - she kind of reminds me of my former housemate that I had the falling out with in the past, and they share the same name, so I'm going to tread lightly, haha. I'm not really the same person that I was back then anymore anyway. Which is a good thing, I think.
I went home to my parents tonight and we've arranged for my cousin and godson to come for dinner next week. He's just turned 21, so I have a card for him with some cash in it and a toblerone that says 'Godson' on it, which is kind of cute. I'm probably the worst godmother in the world. I'll make it up to him at some point, I'm sure. Lots of years left to make amends, haha.
I'll sign off with one of the classics to mark the start of a new month, new era:
Hey guys! Greetings from sunny Ireland. It's been the most beautiful day here. Just stunning.
The weekend has gone really well. I woke up at 9am this morning feeling so fresh! I made out a list of jobs I have to get done yesterday and made a bit of progress with them. I replaced the lightbulb in the bathroom, which might sound like an easy job - it was not! They didn't have that type of lightbulb in the supermarket so I had to go to the hardware store. Bought the wrong one, but I was determined to get this job off my list today, so I drove back again and finally got the right one. Phew!
I also put on a wash and put the clothes on the clothesline, which was a first for me in the new house. They dried really fast! So that's all my underwear and socks sorted for the week. Success!
I got some outdoors time earlier and played a game of tennis. What a day for it. We had a great game, went to a tiebreak, and I just managed to get the win, which I was delighted with. I chatted to my new housemate a bit this morning. She was eating noodles out of a saucepan when I walked into the kitchen this morning. I actually bought a few new plates earlier when I went to get the lightbulb, which might have been a subconscious reaction to that, I realised after, haha. Sometimes I think I might be more on top of things than I thought.
Food today has been okay. Well, it started well, with porridge, some cacao nibs and blueberries. I had some pomegranate seeds and aloe vera juice as well. It went a bit downhill for the rest of the day, but I'm going to have some tomato soup for my tea with some nice brown bread.
The plan for the rest of the evening is to fill out the census and make my lunch for tomorrow. We have a new person starting in the office tomorrow, so it will be a more interesting Monday than usual. No wine tonight, and hopefully up for a run in the morning, and hopefully it will be the start of a great week. I'm in Dublin next Sunday - it's great to have something different to look forward to. It's given me a boost for sure.
The weekend has gone really well. I woke up at 9am this morning feeling so fresh! I made out a list of jobs I have to get done yesterday and made a bit of progress with them. I replaced the lightbulb in the bathroom, which might sound like an easy job - it was not! They didn't have that type of lightbulb in the supermarket so I had to go to the hardware store. Bought the wrong one, but I was determined to get this job off my list today, so I drove back again and finally got the right one. Phew!
I also put on a wash and put the clothes on the clothesline, which was a first for me in the new house. They dried really fast! So that's all my underwear and socks sorted for the week. Success!
I got some outdoors time earlier and played a game of tennis. What a day for it. We had a great game, went to a tiebreak, and I just managed to get the win, which I was delighted with. I chatted to my new housemate a bit this morning. She was eating noodles out of a saucepan when I walked into the kitchen this morning. I actually bought a few new plates earlier when I went to get the lightbulb, which might have been a subconscious reaction to that, I realised after, haha. Sometimes I think I might be more on top of things than I thought.
Food today has been okay. Well, it started well, with porridge, some cacao nibs and blueberries. I had some pomegranate seeds and aloe vera juice as well. It went a bit downhill for the rest of the day, but I'm going to have some tomato soup for my tea with some nice brown bread.
The plan for the rest of the evening is to fill out the census and make my lunch for tomorrow. We have a new person starting in the office tomorrow, so it will be a more interesting Monday than usual. No wine tonight, and hopefully up for a run in the morning, and hopefully it will be the start of a great week. I'm in Dublin next Sunday - it's great to have something different to look forward to. It's given me a boost for sure.
Thanks Cate.
Wednesday again already. I'm just home from playing a game of tennis with my dad. He can't move much as he has a recurring injury that doesn't seem to want to heal. On the plus side, he managed to beat me with just his serve and return game, so he was happy with that, haha! I like that while he's encouraging and everything, he would never in a million years let me win. I respect that about him. Actually, both my parents are fairly honest with me in general. They're not deluded about my talents. Lol.
I also got my guitar back today! I was listening to this amazing song earlier and I just had this urge that I need to learn how to play it.
I should write a song called "Bag of Rocks".
Anyway, got my guitar, the cigarettes and wine have destroyed my vocal chords, so I can't sing the way I used to anymore. The good news is that the voice can recover. I just have to stop smoking. It's depressing at this stage, what I'm doing to myself. I seem to want to die.
I was thinking to myself earlier - is the reason that I don't seem to be making any moves towards having kids because I don't actually think being alive is that great? Like, would I want to create something when I know it will find out that it's going to die at some point, and all the fear and anxiety that comes about from that? Like, what is the actual point of all this?
I also listened to something there that reminded me of how vicious children are and absolutely horrible to other children, and that's because they have no concept of death. Adults get kinder (or at least socially) because they need money coming in to survive. And the best way to keep the money coming in is not to be a bully and cruel to the other adults. Anyway, basically, I'm a bit down on the world today. I'm just sick of it all.
Wednesday again already. I'm just home from playing a game of tennis with my dad. He can't move much as he has a recurring injury that doesn't seem to want to heal. On the plus side, he managed to beat me with just his serve and return game, so he was happy with that, haha! I like that while he's encouraging and everything, he would never in a million years let me win. I respect that about him. Actually, both my parents are fairly honest with me in general. They're not deluded about my talents. Lol.
I also got my guitar back today! I was listening to this amazing song earlier and I just had this urge that I need to learn how to play it.
I should write a song called "Bag of Rocks".
Anyway, got my guitar, the cigarettes and wine have destroyed my vocal chords, so I can't sing the way I used to anymore.
The good news is that the voice can recover. I just have to stop smoking. It's depressing at this stage, what I'm doing to myself. I seem to want to die. I was thinking to myself earlier - is the reason that I don't seem to be making any moves towards having kids because I don't actually think being alive is that great? Like, would I want to create something when I know it will find out that it's going to die at some point, and all the fear and anxiety that comes about from that? Like, what is the actual point of all this?
I also listened to something there that reminded me of how vicious children are and absolutely horrible to other children, and that's because they have no concept of death. Adults get kinder (or at least socially) because they need money coming in to survive. And the best way to keep the money coming in is not to be a bully and cruel to the other adults. Anyway, basically, I'm a bit down on the world today. I'm just sick of it all.
Cate
Long term member
Do you really think that children start out vicious & horrible & grow into kinder adults? I think people stay basically the same deep down. I hardly feel any different to when I was a young child or a teen or in my 20s & 30s. I still see goodness in most people & am grateful for the love that I get & feel. I get hurt because I expect people to be good & kind, & don't expect nastiness, but I usually bounce back.
You are obviously down on yourself & the world, Em. I hope that changes. I know that you are capable of making changes to a more fulfilling & happy life. You're a smart cookie. Life could be so much better for you.
You are obviously down on yourself & the world, Em. I hope that changes. I know that you are capable of making changes to a more fulfilling & happy life. You're a smart cookie. Life could be so much better for you.
I think it is mostly the other way around, yes some kids can be awful but most are not like that initially, bullying is often a learned response from bully adults who get worse over time. Kids being honest can be hurtful for some but not intentionally so, adults become very adept at using words to bully and bring others down.
- Thanks Cate. I do think children are incredibly cruel, yes. I know a lot of people (friends now) that were not so great as kids and are a lot better now.
- Hi Tru. I don't know if I subscribe to that theory. I think I was triggered the last day because I was listening to some comedians talk about their experience of being bullied in school because of their small stature, and it transported me back to my own experience in primary school, which was pretty miserable. I remember distinctly one day, a guy in my class picked up my copy book and laughed about how slanted my writing was. Then called over one of his friends to laugh about it with him. The reason my writing was so slanted was because I was being bullied so much, and apparently that's a stress response. That man is now a teacher. Luckily, I started to write normally again.
Anyway. No point talking about those times. I will just get into a fury again. I'm still carrying a lot of that with me. That makes up a good percentage of the bag of rocks, I'd say. Maybe I'll share a few more stories another day. It might be helpful.
I slept for over 10 hours last night. Fantastic. I needed it. I was in bed before 8 and I didn't get up till 7.30 am. Solid. Sleep makes everything better. Sometimes, when I have these big sleeps, I start to worry that I'm severely depressed (I know I am a bit depressed), but at the same time, if it's healing, then what's the problem? And it was healing.
My weight is into DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE! territory, and I'm at the point where I will just make myself exercise to try to retain some control over it. I went for a run after work this evening and it reinvigorated me. I came home, put on the Nashville soundtrack (which is great, by the way) and did a huge clean of my room. I didn't quite get it finished, but nearly there. Another hour or two tomorrow should do it. I also sang and played guitar and the run seemed to clear my voice out. All the stars for running. There's hope yet for me.
I'm going to a cacao workshop thing tomorrow, complete with angel card readings and all sorts of nonsense, but it's my version of going to mass these days, so let's see how it goes. I do love a good angel card reading though. I'll let you know what the cards reveal...
Anyway, that's it. Great week in work, went brilliant. One of the more senior guys complimented me on my 'fantastic work' on something this week, which was really great. And you know what? It was fantastic work. There, I said it. Haha.
- Hi Tru. I don't know if I subscribe to that theory. I think I was triggered the last day because I was listening to some comedians talk about their experience of being bullied in school because of their small stature, and it transported me back to my own experience in primary school, which was pretty miserable. I remember distinctly one day, a guy in my class picked up my copy book and laughed about how slanted my writing was. Then called over one of his friends to laugh about it with him. The reason my writing was so slanted was because I was being bullied so much, and apparently that's a stress response. That man is now a teacher. Luckily, I started to write normally again.
Anyway. No point talking about those times. I will just get into a fury again. I'm still carrying a lot of that with me. That makes up a good percentage of the bag of rocks, I'd say. Maybe I'll share a few more stories another day. It might be helpful.
I slept for over 10 hours last night. Fantastic. I needed it. I was in bed before 8 and I didn't get up till 7.30 am. Solid. Sleep makes everything better. Sometimes, when I have these big sleeps, I start to worry that I'm severely depressed (I know I am a bit depressed), but at the same time, if it's healing, then what's the problem? And it was healing.
My weight is into DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE! territory, and I'm at the point where I will just make myself exercise to try to retain some control over it. I went for a run after work this evening and it reinvigorated me. I came home, put on the Nashville soundtrack (which is great, by the way) and did a huge clean of my room. I didn't quite get it finished, but nearly there. Another hour or two tomorrow should do it. I also sang and played guitar and the run seemed to clear my voice out. All the stars for running. There's hope yet for me.
I'm going to a cacao workshop thing tomorrow, complete with angel card readings and all sorts of nonsense, but it's my version of going to mass these days, so let's see how it goes. I do love a good angel card reading though. I'll let you know what the cards reveal...
Anyway, that's it. Great week in work, went brilliant. One of the more senior guys complimented me on my 'fantastic work' on something this week, which was really great. And you know what? It was fantastic work. There, I said it. Haha.
Hey guys. I'm about to be pushed onto page 2 so I thought I'd better write something quick! We can't be having that.
The tips of my fingers are quite sore from playing the guitar tonight. I find music and playing guitar so therapeutic. My voice is still a bit croaky and my guitar playing is shite, but still. I'm enjoying it anyway. My new housemate told me I was really good, so there's that. Delighted with myself.
Speaking of housemates, I was in the supermarket yesterday when I noticed a familiar-looking scowling figure with a trolley full of stuff walking past me. It could only the Demonic Housemate from the lockdown days. Still a miserable mare, it has to be said. So, so glad she is out of my orbit. We have a new man in the office who is lovely and worked at the same company as her. I am dying to ask him if he's ever encountered her, but of course that's dangerous if they got on. Maybe on a night out, it might be safer to bring it up. Although I'll probably be more honest about my absolute loathing of her with a few drinks in, so maybe not. He's a great addition to the team so far, which is a relief. We had a bad run there.
I do think Covid has kind of messed with people's personalities a bit. Maybe it's the recovery period after two years of trauma, but I am feeling utterly exhausted. I met up with my friend this weekend, and he said he's the exact same - has to peel himself out of the bed in the mornings. I do think it's been an incredibly upsetting, damaging time. I hope with the summer coming in now, I'll get my energy and verve back. I'm finding it really hard to recapture that right now.
I've been doing a bit more running in the last week and I have loads of tennis coming up in the next few weeks, so hopefully things will get a bit better. I'm not quite out of the woods yet.
The tips of my fingers are quite sore from playing the guitar tonight. I find music and playing guitar so therapeutic. My voice is still a bit croaky and my guitar playing is shite, but still. I'm enjoying it anyway. My new housemate told me I was really good, so there's that. Delighted with myself.
Speaking of housemates, I was in the supermarket yesterday when I noticed a familiar-looking scowling figure with a trolley full of stuff walking past me. It could only the Demonic Housemate from the lockdown days. Still a miserable mare, it has to be said. So, so glad she is out of my orbit. We have a new man in the office who is lovely and worked at the same company as her. I am dying to ask him if he's ever encountered her, but of course that's dangerous if they got on. Maybe on a night out, it might be safer to bring it up. Although I'll probably be more honest about my absolute loathing of her with a few drinks in, so maybe not. He's a great addition to the team so far, which is a relief. We had a bad run there.
I do think Covid has kind of messed with people's personalities a bit. Maybe it's the recovery period after two years of trauma, but I am feeling utterly exhausted. I met up with my friend this weekend, and he said he's the exact same - has to peel himself out of the bed in the mornings. I do think it's been an incredibly upsetting, damaging time. I hope with the summer coming in now, I'll get my energy and verve back. I'm finding it really hard to recapture that right now.
I've been doing a bit more running in the last week and I have loads of tennis coming up in the next few weeks, so hopefully things will get a bit better. I'm not quite out of the woods yet.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Emily, I see you made some progress with the wine thing, are you still sticking to the zero alcohol beverages?
My first ever paying job was planting trees in Wyoming, small seedlings. We carried them in canvas bags, a bag could hold maybe 100. It was hard backbreaking work. To prank each other we would sneak rocks into the bags. It was always frustrating, but funny, to find a bunch of rocks in you bag when the trees ran out...
Good for you running and tennis, that is great. I kind of like the woods...
I always laugh a little at your "bag of rocks" analogy.
My first ever paying job was planting trees in Wyoming, small seedlings. We carried them in canvas bags, a bag could hold maybe 100. It was hard backbreaking work. To prank each other we would sneak rocks into the bags. It was always frustrating, but funny, to find a bunch of rocks in you bag when the trees ran out...
Cate
Long term member
Singing is meant to be SO good for you. That's a bonus that your housemate thinks you're good at it
- You wouldn't like the woods I'm in Rob, haha. I'd be lying if I said I had the wine-drinking under control. It's hit peak level. I'm at the point where I was hungover every second day this week. It's not sustainable and it's not really the way I want to live anymore. As I said, woods. I love the idea of transforming the rocks into small seedlings that I can start planting. Thanks Rob.
- Yes, it's incredibly therapeutic, Cate. Even if I feel like death when I start, it energises me and gives me hope.
Right. I've smoked my last cigarette and I am on my final bottle of wine and then I am going to start planting those damn seedlings!!!
I've decided that I need something to replace these habits with.
To tackle the smoking, I've decided to try to write an album this summer. Even if I never record it or no one ever hears it, I want to write a collection of 9 or 10 songs that maybe capture all the emotion I'm going to feel by trying to turn my life around. I have a few songs already that might make the cut, but they need to be developed. Well, actually, I sang one yesterday and I think it's done. But I have another one that I love the melody of, but the lyrics need work. 'I was sad, I was sad, really sad' could be given a bit more flair, I think.
Oh God, when I think about not smoking again, it feels like I'm having a panic attack. I'm telling myself it's not 'forever', so that I don't throw myself out the window, but I need a good long break from both cigarettes and alcohol. I have 3 weeks until my next social event, but even that would be a starting point. I just want to get out of this 'every day' habit. I don't see a problem with drinking a few times a month or having the odd cigarette binge. But every day is causing far, far too much damage at this point.
So anyway, yeah. I am going to write an album, which will remind me that not smoking is a fantastic thing, as I hear my voice improve each day. I'm going to spend 30 minutes per day working on it, and keep going until it's finished.
To tackle the alcohol, I was kind of trying to think WHY? Why am I being sucked into this wine vortex every second evening? And I guess there's the numbing aspect and I guess I feel my evenings are quite empty and fruitless right now. So I'm going to start doing Yoga with Adriene every night before bed. At least 30 minutes. It's not quite the same as a bottle of wine, but it will hopefully get me into a calmer state of mind, and then I will just go to sleep early or I'll be relaxed enough to watch some TV without wanting wine as an accompaniment.
I am really not without hope, even though I've got myself into a real fucking pickle here. Pickled in a pickle, you could say. But I can't keep putting off quitting these things. I am really feeling burnt out, my weight is out of control, my hair is thinning, my skin is reddening, and basically, if I want to keep my looks and my mental health, I NEED TO STOP.
To end on a positive note, I came home from work today hungover, but I had a nice chat with my housemate, and somehow motivated myself to tidy my room. It is immaculate now. I even hoovered. Made the bed. So, at least my environment is healthy again. And I found an amazing pair of jeans the other day in Tesco of all places. They are two sizes bigger than I want them to be, but they're a great fit, and at least I have something else to put on me now until I can fit into my smaller jeans again. I bought a pair in grey too - not as nice, but still, a good option. Anyway, that's the latest.
- Yes, it's incredibly therapeutic, Cate. Even if I feel like death when I start, it energises me and gives me hope.
Right. I've smoked my last cigarette and I am on my final bottle of wine and then I am going to start planting those damn seedlings!!!
I've decided that I need something to replace these habits with.
To tackle the smoking, I've decided to try to write an album this summer. Even if I never record it or no one ever hears it, I want to write a collection of 9 or 10 songs that maybe capture all the emotion I'm going to feel by trying to turn my life around. I have a few songs already that might make the cut, but they need to be developed. Well, actually, I sang one yesterday and I think it's done. But I have another one that I love the melody of, but the lyrics need work. 'I was sad, I was sad, really sad' could be given a bit more flair, I think.
Oh God, when I think about not smoking again, it feels like I'm having a panic attack. I'm telling myself it's not 'forever', so that I don't throw myself out the window, but I need a good long break from both cigarettes and alcohol. I have 3 weeks until my next social event, but even that would be a starting point. I just want to get out of this 'every day' habit. I don't see a problem with drinking a few times a month or having the odd cigarette binge. But every day is causing far, far too much damage at this point.
So anyway, yeah. I am going to write an album, which will remind me that not smoking is a fantastic thing, as I hear my voice improve each day. I'm going to spend 30 minutes per day working on it, and keep going until it's finished.
To tackle the alcohol, I was kind of trying to think WHY? Why am I being sucked into this wine vortex every second evening? And I guess there's the numbing aspect and I guess I feel my evenings are quite empty and fruitless right now. So I'm going to start doing Yoga with Adriene every night before bed. At least 30 minutes. It's not quite the same as a bottle of wine, but it will hopefully get me into a calmer state of mind, and then I will just go to sleep early or I'll be relaxed enough to watch some TV without wanting wine as an accompaniment.
I am really not without hope, even though I've got myself into a real fucking pickle here. Pickled in a pickle, you could say. But I can't keep putting off quitting these things. I am really feeling burnt out, my weight is out of control, my hair is thinning, my skin is reddening, and basically, if I want to keep my looks and my mental health, I NEED TO STOP.
To end on a positive note, I came home from work today hungover, but I had a nice chat with my housemate, and somehow motivated myself to tidy my room. It is immaculate now. I even hoovered. Made the bed. So, at least my environment is healthy again. And I found an amazing pair of jeans the other day in Tesco of all places. They are two sizes bigger than I want them to be, but they're a great fit, and at least I have something else to put on me now until I can fit into my smaller jeans again. I bought a pair in grey too - not as nice, but still, a good option. Anyway, that's the latest.