Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks Cate. I love reading your comments and getting your perspective on things. Don’t be a stranger.

I talked to my boss today. I won’t be changing roles. I am secretly relieved. I thought I would be upset about it but I don’t need the upheaval it would bring to my life if it happened.

Now I have the time I need to focus on my body and mental health. That is far more important than a good career move. I know there are great things ahead in my future. I just have to sort out the present.

I talked to my mum today and she said her cholesterol has gone up to 6.9. I hate hearing that. It’s amazing how much weight she gained in such a short time. I guess I’ve inherited that gene, haha. Although there’s nothing funny about it really.

Ugh, I’m in a restaurant now (well, Nando’s - does that count?) and a woman I went to school and college with actually just came in with her husband and kid. I never liked her. We’ve seen each other but aren’t acknowledging. Awkward as fuck. I’ve also ordered a cheesecake and ice cream and I feel embarrassed about that. Which is so stupid.

Why do we care so much about the opinion of people we don’t even like? I guess it’s a tribal thing. If you didn’t fit in during tribal times, it meant death. At least now, there’s so many tribes that you are bound to find one for you.

The play has come and gone and was a great success. Four of the tennis ladies even came to see it. Plus two of my own friends and 5 aunts and uncles. So that was pretty good. I am relieved it’s all over but all the stress from it was worth it. We put on an amazing show.
 
Emilyrose said:
Now I have the time I need to focus on my body and mental health. That is far more important than a good career move. I know there are great things ahead in my future. I just have to sort out the present.
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I agree. Focussing on your body & mental health is more important than anything else.
Emilyrose said:
Why do we care so much about the opinion of people we don’t even like?
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It beats me! I care less than I used to. I think if we can learn to really feel good about ourselves then we care less about what others think.
I'm glad your show was such a success. Was this one you wrote yourself? Are you planning the next one already?
 
Hi Cate. I absolutely agree on the point that if you feel good, you care less. And even though it's not showing physically, I think mentally, I am better able to cope with a lot of things. Maybe? I just feel less unhappy than I did when I was younger. I guess I don't feel a pressure to be a certain way anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be thin and beautiful, but I guess it's not expected so much anymore, and that's quite freeing.

And the play I was in, I wrote one scene entirely, and that got amazing feedback. It was very encouraging, I have to say. We will not start working on the next one until later in the year.

There's a storm brewing outside. I'm looking forward to the weekend. I have a bit of time tomorrow to get on top of my work, which is great. I got a good bit ticked off the list today. I think my boss is unhappy with me after our call - at least that's the vibe she was giving off today. But I'm not willing to compromise my free time just to please her. I'm actually really proud of myself for saying how I feel. I don't think asking not to be contacted outside of work hours is an unreasonable request. It felt good to be honest. I was also honest with Alex about how much he hurt me, and that felt good too.

I think I am just going to continue in this mode of not bottling things anymore. My comments won't always be appreciated. But I think it's what I need to do. And not in the unreasonable, frenzied way that I can get when it all gets too much for me. I think it gets too much for me because I'm not expressing myself in the way that I need to. I am a people pleaser to a certain extent - I want adoration and love from everyone I meet. Obviously, that's never going to happen. But I really do try to be kind and be friendly and make people feel like they can rely on me to help them if they need it.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight. Weekend plans are to view my friend's amazing new house tomorrow, then I have tennis Saturday and a farewell party to the same friend's old house on Saturday night, and Sunday my housemate asked me to help her make out the cleaning rota. So, a fun enough weekend planned, haha.
 
Emilyrose said:
I am pretty much in survival mode right now. I'm just trying to get through each week, as opposed to enjoying it. There's lots of good stuff happening, and things to be excited about it, and I'm just... I would say I am in a very anxious state.

It's also hard to really be myself on this forum, because I don't want my posts to be off-putting for people. At the same time, it's not really a useful place for me to go if I'm pretending to be happy and enthusiastic about things. I want people to read and comment on what I say here - I think that's the strange thing about it all. Like, maybe it helps if I feel that my thoughts aren't just going into a vacuum or a private journal I keep. Maybe it helps me to think that there is someone reading them, and responding or relating or disagreeing or whatever. That I am worth something, I guess.

It would be nice to be able to come on here and report that I've lost 20 pounds and life is going great, and be a constant beacon of joy and hope and supportive behaviour and all the rest. And a lot of that is what I hope for. But it's not happening at the pace I would like it to. I'm not allowing that to happen, let's be honest here. And I constantly berate myself as to why I am not letting that happen. And I'm really tired of berating myself.

I'm very upset about what happened with Alex. It's torturous for me to have no happy conclusion to the whole thing. At least with SG, we are still on good terms, and there is no bad blood there really. As far as I can tell anyway. I hate people not liking me, I hate people being upset with me and cutting me out of their life. It's like I can't breathe or something when this happens. It's like my life force has been sucked away, and I am just a hollow shell. I just want people to like me.

What's happened on this forum breaks my heart. I feel like a leper. I realise posting this probably doesn't help things, but I'm going to keep talking about how I feel, because that's how I feel and that's the only reason I'm here. To express my feelings and thoughts and hope that by doing that, I can reach a higher plane.

Anyway, it's nearly the weekend. Hopefully I can get out of survival mode and back into the land of the living very soon.
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Hi Em, I hope you know that I don't feel like you are a leper (or anything remotely like that) and wish you well. I just have a crazy life these last couple of years and can't get to most people's journals. I just popped in on yours having seen that you posted in Cate's. I think dating where you set up a date with a relative stranger is very very brave, and most people have a very hard time with it. And I don't know of anyone who likes rejection or this whole new conflict between the vaxed and the unvaxed. It's so so awful that this type of thing is dividing people. When I was growing up, spirited debate was almost a sport, and people respected difference. I am super alarmed at how little differences now are blown up to almost superhuman proportions. And we all just want to be happy and healthy and loved. It sucks!

I hope you keep being real and being you!! Hugs!
 
Thanks Marsia, I really appreciate you dropping by and taking the time to post that nice message. I guess I got a kick out of the fact that Alex actually saw me in real life and asked me out, as opposed to it being an online thing. I thought that was a good sign. Sadly, I was wrong on that front.

As for the conflict about Covid part, I was talking to a guard last week, and he was saying during lockdowns, people would be having house parties and he would get a call from a neighbour and would have to call over to shut it down. He was nice about it, and didn't fine them (which he was entitled to do). But he said that whenever he would call, the person would be like, 'Oh, I'm sure that was Mary that reported the party, wasn't it?' and start giving out stink about their neighbour who they suspected of ratting them out. So he said there's probably going to be huge fallout from this in the aftermath.

Anyway, the pandemic is more or less over in my mind. Masks are going to be gone here from the 28th of February. I'm so happy, I really thought they would linger forever more. I'm planning a ceremonial bonfire in my garden, to celebrate the end of this miserable fucking time. Although my friend just texted me yesterday to say he's got the damn thing. But he seems fine.

Good day today. I actually got a promotion. I'm sticking with the same role, I've just been made 'senior' and a tiny bit more money. My boss just said that from the email I wrote, it seemed like I wanted recognition, and she thought this was the best way to give it to me. She definitely wants me to stick around. It helps that I had some input into something during the week which kind of proved that I am switched on and constantly looking to improve things, and that wasn't strategic or anything, that's just the way I am and the way I work. So hurrah! A brilliant outcome. I don't have to work crazy hours, my CV looks fucking great, and I am a little bit richer from next month on!

20 minutes after that call, I went to drive home from the office, and my car wouldn't start. The Universe really has a sense of humour.
 
Ugh, sorry about your car. Our old house always did that to us - the second we saved up a little money the house would break down. I hope whatever it was it wasn't expensive. In CA, no one is taking off their masks yet. Please live it up a little for us! My friend also has Covid, and it's a bear, but nothing like the strains that put you in the hospital. In Charleston no one wore masks, and I am really looking forward to that. I think I caught Covid before anyone knew it was a thing - I was so exhausted I shook when I walked around and wheezed when I breathed. I just thought it was bronchitis, and took every herbal remedy known to man and very slowly got over it.

With bottling things up, if I do that, I end up blurting things out that I didn't mean, but if I just say what I feel without considering it, I tend to be too blunt and hurt people's feelings, too. I have to think about how other people might interpret what I say, but then I am not great at conflict and tend to get tense about it. I admire people good at saying what they want when it could be really awkward to do that. J is great at that, and I try to study what he does.

Congratulations on your promotion! Your job sounds really interesting and really satisfying!
 
Thanks Marisa. It's a pretty good job, I have to say. There are enough creative and collaborative elements in it to keep me going. I'm committed for another while anyway.

I was sick last night. I have been completely overdoing it with the drinking. Last weekend was a huge party, and I still was drinking wine throughout the week, which is madness. It all caught up with me last night. My friend was having a gathering, which was great actually. My friend and her boyfriend were over from London, and another friend couple I haven't seen in ages were also there. I had a cocktail and a couple of glasses of wine, and then I got to the pub and ordered a pint, and three-quarters of the way through that, I started to develop a pounding headache. Uh oh. So I told my friend I had to go home (I never go home early) and got sick the minute I got back.

The good part about that is that I went to sleep immediately after getting sick and obviously got rid of a good bit of the alcohol because I feel slightly weak this morning but not hungover or anything. So my day should be pretty good. But yeah, I'm proud of my body for stepping in and saying, 'NO! NO MORE EMILY!' So, the plan for today is no alcohol and no cigarettes and try to eat as well as I can.

I am going to the theatre on Thursday to see The Crucible, quite excited about that. I think the guy I'm going with is into me, so I really hope he's not looking at this as a date or anything. I opened it up to a whole Whatsapp group, but he's the only one who agreed. He's a really great guy, we get on well, but I just don't fancy him. It boils down to that really, doesn't it? If there's no lust or passion there, it's not gonna work. But yeah, hopefully he knows it's just a friend thing.

Quite a stormy day outside again. I don't plan on doing much really. My room could do with a clean-up and so could the house. I will try to muster up some energy to do one or both as the day goes on. Feeling quite positive in general today. Catch-ups with friends can be really good for the soul.
 
Oh, sorry you got sick, but glad you feel better now. I can't do alcohol and lose weight. I have yoyo dieted too long, and now anything fattening takes days to work back off. The movie sounds really good. I've always been fascinated by women who passed plant lure down through the ages and horrified by the witch hunts.

Does it help if you substitute something healthy for the cigarettes and alcohol? Glad you got to see old friends!
 
It's good that you spoke up at work & that it was acknowledged in a positive way. Also good that you got to tell Alex how you felt. He really was rude & his criticism of you was not helpful at all.
I did really well weight-wise when I went without alcohol for over a couple of months, but having a couple of wines here & there in the last couple of weeks has caused that to stall. It's time for me to knuckle back down. I don't even enjoy it as much as I used to. I feel so much better when I don't drink at all. I never thought I would mean that. It actually doesn't help you cope better with life & stress.
 
- Hi Marsia. It's actually not a film, it's a play we're going to, so even better. The film with Daniel Day-Lewis is great though. He's so gorgeous in it, haha. I try to substitute them with exercise, but I'm finding it really hard to get back into my running routine. I'm just tired, I think.
- Thanks Cate. I know if I dropped the wine, I would have the first 10 pounds gone fairly fast. I just... I'm finding it tough. My birthday is coming up again, so hopefully another year on the dial will be the wake-up call that I need.

I'm kind of having a bingey evening today, after having a really good couple of days. Sigh. It happens. I'm working my way through my beauty books and trying to incorporate good skin and hair foods, and that's been quite effective. I had miso soup today, a first for me, and a really healthy salad of seaweed, spinach, cucumber, peppers, ham, kale and avocado with olive oil and lemon juice as a dressing. It was nice, kept me going for the afternoon. I have another healthy salad and more miso soup prepared for lunch tomorrow, so I'm ahead of the game in that way. I'm trying, I guess.

Tomorrow, I have two hours of tennis, playing internal league matches, which should be fun. I am extremely broke at the moment - the cost of living in Ireland has skyrocketed. I'm burning through my wages every month at an alarming rate. I have to start cutting back because all of the bills in the house come out of my account, because I'm the only one here longterm, so it makes more sense. Also, they're a lot younger and they're just not as clued in as to what needs to be done, which is exactly how I used to be. Ah, those carefree days! Lol. I feel like the older you get, the more jobs you have to do.

But anyway, I spent €250 on oil today, which they will pay their share of, but I'm still down that amount until the money is transferred back to me. I also now have a potentially huge bill from the car looming, and I don't know how much I'm willing to fork out on that. I need to buy a new car really, but I just hate taking out loans and being in debt. Also, even the thought of looking for a new car is soul-destroying. I just don't enjoy that kind of thing - looking for deals, taking cars for test drives, all that stuff. I don't have the knowledge. I don't have the interest. I don't have the cash! But anyway, just praying that the nice man fixes my car for me tomorrow at a reasonable price. I got shouted at down the phone by a nasty man today whose garage is in the same business park as my office, where the car has broken down, and said he doesn't do 'call-outs'. He was a prick.

Anyway, that's all. BYYYYYYEEEEEEE!
 
Going to the theatre will be good, Em. Your healthy food sounds delicious. I feel so much better when I eat that way. Going to the theatre will be good. Before I started going out with G I used to go out with a guy I worked with who wanted a companion to take to the theatre & to dinner as he hated going alone. He lived at home with his Mum. He stressed that he had no romantic or other inclinations. He took me to fancy restaurants & to some great shows. I kissed him on the cheek once when he dropped me off home & he looked so embarrassed. I thought it was a great arrangement as it had no strings attached. When I started going out with G I thought I could still go out with B, but G really was dead set against it. I hated telling B that I couldn't continue. He was really disappointed. He took me to some great shows. I was only 18 & from the country & he really did show me another side of life. This guy could just be one of those guys. How good would that be?
We have been thinking about getting a "new" car, but I have shelved the idea for now. I hate car shopping. It's a nightmare. I hope you can get yours fixed reasonably.
 
I concur about the car. We are down to my mom's car we inherited so we schedule around that so we don't have to get a second car. I've seen car share cars in town and wonder how those work. I hope you have a lovely time at the theater, and your food does sound delicious and very healthy. I am also trying to rain in my appetite lately, and am just staying at weight, which is ok by me - as long as I don't gain, the hunger thing will pass eventually. The cost of living here is getting worse by the month, too. I plan to have a huge garden at the new place to help with the cost of groceries. Are you doing anything special for your birthday? I hope the car is an inexpensive fix and you can treat yourself to something nice and relaxing for your birthday.
 
- Thanks Cate, that's an interesting story! I don't think he's like your friend from work but I'm sure it will be fine. I've just been on the other side of liking someone who only likes me as a friend, and it just never ends well.
- Hi Marsia. I'm also happy just to not be gaining at the moment. I'm actually a couple of pounds down, which is good. But it needs to be more than that. For my birthday, I'm either playing in a tennis tournament or going out for dinner with a big group. I'm happy with either.

So yes, tennis tournament season is starting in March! I just found out today! I am so excited, particularly because I am playing very well at the moment. I had a very enjoyable evening playing in the internal league earlier. Two hours of tennis - not a bother on me! I played better in the second hour in fact. It's just such great exercise, and both men I played with were so lovely. We lost the first match (but not by much) and had a great win in the second. I feel very encouraged.

The tournaments will definitely motivate me to start running again. The first event is singles and you need to be really fit for that, and I only have a week to prep! So that will give me the push I need. I should be okay, but being able to run like hell can mean the difference between winning and losing in singles. For me, I just have to have some competition looming or event or whatever to really get into things and get motivated. It's probably the same for most people, I would think.

The car is going to cost me a small fortune to get fixed, but the garage man is very nice, and we're going to do it in stages. I'm not buying a new car just yet.

I'm going to watch an episode of Pam and Tommy now on Disney+, maybe start Garden State then. I haven't seen it in ages, but it has an amazing soundtrack. This is probably one of my favourite songs of all time:

 
Hey Emily, I am happy to see you still here! I am trying to catch up, but its a slow process. And I am happy to see that your theater thing seems to have gone well and that you are still doing tennis. Good for you!
Emilyrose said:
What's happened on this forum breaks my heart. I feel like a leper.
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I can see I must have missed something. However you are no leper, I find you to be a delightful lady. One who always has interesting posts and is very open and honest about things. Be well!
 
We have that album, Em- the original, on vinyl. We haven't been able to play our vinyl records for ages & ages. I must add that to the to-do list!
You never know about the theatre date man. Mine may have wanted more & I was totally clueless, but I don't think so & we both seemed happy with the deal.
Tennis is so good for you. I'm glad you're still really into it. I took your advice on board about golf. I can't play it unless my knee gets fixed or I risk being able to walk at all without lots of pain. Golf takes such a long time too & is really hard on your knees.
It's a shame the car is going to cost a lot. I might be getting a "new" one tomorrow, just out of the blue. My SIL rang this morning to ask if I was interested. I'm checking it out tomorrow morning. She has offered it to me at a very good family rate, which is probably all she was offered as a trade-in. I think it's an offer I can't refuse.
 
Glad you'll be surrounded in happy people for your birthday! The tennis tournament does sound great. I need to play K some Simon and Garfunkel. She would love them, and this is a wonderful song. Sorry about your car, but good it can be broken into payments. Anyway, I'm really happy for you that you have something fun to work toward with the tournament and so glad to hear you are losing some pounds. It seems like slowly losing is easier for keeping it off, for me it is anyway.
 
- Lovely to have you back here Rob! :)
- Hi Cate. The evening with Theatre Man went fine, I had a good time. It only kind of went weird at the end, when he was telling me that 'he really enjoyed having a night when it was just the two of us and no one else was around.' Bleugh.
- Simon and Garfunkel are amazing, Marsia. I also love Paul Simon's Graceland album. Pounds were all back today (5 pounds since Tuesday - I am a medical marvel at this point).

On a bit of a low ebb today. I won't delve too much into that. I will however share a weird story.

Went to pick up my car yesterday at the garage - they could not find my key for about 20 minutes. Key was completely gone. It was kind of funny really. It was an old man that owns the garage but I thought the younger man working there was kind of cute. I am desperate for a boyfriend at this stage I think, lol. I will take anyone remotely cute! He's from Eastern Europe though, so I have to consider that they are banned. Anyway, that was grand. The younger mechanic found the key eventually and I drove home. Mum had actually picked me up to collect it - she's very good. It warms my heart to see her so well.

Anyway, today. I played tennis - I was not myself at all, I've just been overdoing it with the alcohol, and even though I didn't drink last night and went to bed early, I was tired, tired, tired. I've been in bed most of the day, I am sad to report. But anyway. I played, lost, but it was against a friend of mine, and we are planning to go on a tennis holiday this year and maybe bring some of the other tennis ladies with us. We'll see how it works out. She's such a nice person. We're thinking maybe Italy, which would be cool. I'm digressing from the story.

After tennis, I went to get a few things in M&S in the shopping centre, and when I was going back to my car, I noticed the top of a can of something rolling around. It's been quite a blustery day here. I debated whether I should go to the bother of picking it up. But I noticed there was a car parked across from mine, and I could see there was a can of something in a bag of car tools on the ground with no lid. So I picked up the top, and headed over. I couldn't see who was next to the bag of car tools, and lo and behold, it was the younger mechanic from the day before. How weird is that! He must have been fixing a car for someone. So I just gave him the top, and he thanked me, and I was on my way. But it was a bit mad. Maybe he's my future husband, who knows? Lol.

Other than that, the day has been dreary enough. I feel like a worn out old boot. I did watch Silver Linings Playbook again, I really enjoyed it. But yeah, too much of a nothing day for my taste. Hopefully, tomorrow is better.
 
Hi Em, I've been having trouble with eating the wrong things lately that are keeping me from losing weight and feeling my best, so decided this morning that those stern talking-to's I do to myself in my head are not working, and time to be nurturing and give myself the health I deserve. I don't know if you struggle with nurturing yourself, too, but thought I would mention it just in case. That's funny about the mechanic, and you never know! I hope you got good rest and some good food in you to combat the alcohol being hard on the body. Anyway, I'm excited for you to go on tennis holiday with your friend. That sounds wonderful!
 
- Haha, that was the last I saw of the mechanic, but it was still funny Cate! :)
- Thanks Marsia. I am definitely not as critical with myself as I once was, but I suppose I can veer towards the other extreme - of really being too self-indulgent. Sigh. Life can be so confusing.

The week has flown by since I last posted. We have some new people in the office, which is great. There's a bit of a buzz again. I'm quite on top of my work this week, which is really good. I always feel like I'm chasing my tail. Tomorrow should be enjoyable enough.

I played a good bit of tennis this week - every night except tonight, when I decided to stay home and watch Netflix and just chill. I've been feeling exhausted all week, I have to say. My own fault - I'm not looking after myself properly. I am hoping when I turn 36, that will all change. That's a frightening age to be, in some ways. I just feel like I need to be more grown up than I am. I mean, in work, I probably am that age. But, as for the rest... I don't know. I'm scared about the future.

The stuff that's going on in Ukraine now is really upsetting. I was tearing up looking at that video of the Russian soldier who was so young, and had surrendered and was calling his mother. I just think this wave of terror that Putin has unleashed is horrendous. It just seems like the world is in a never-ending pit of despair right now. And, I know this is just from a Western viewpoint, but it was kind of okay for a while there? Things seemed stable enough? But now... it's been a constant onslaught of Trump, Brexit, Covid and now fucking Putin and his warmongering, power-hungry maneuvers. Like, would I want to bring a child into this world? It seems insane when I feel so unhappy. I guess it would be different if I was in love. Maybe I'll never be in love. I hope that's not true.

My life is so little and small compared to the bigger picture of the world, the Earth, this amazing planet we are privileged to be on. I guess that contradicts what I was saying in my previous sentence. This must be the more positive voice chiming in. Don't give up.

 
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