Emily Rose: The Reboot

Anyway, that's it for now, happy Christmas to you all. May it be filled with peace and light and harmony. And even if you're trying to lose weight, be thankful for the lovely food in front of you and enjoy the grub. That's what I intend to do myself.
Thanks, Em & the same to you.
 
Thanks Cate.

I am not quite sure what to write anymore. I don't feel supported. I feel judged. I feel small. I feel like the last rotten strawberry on the bush that no one is going to pick.

On the other foot, there is another option. I believe that if I really start to talk about my experience as someone that has gone from 'wanting' to lose weight to 'needing' to lose weight, that might be quite valuable.

Anyhoo, I am a bitter fucking strawberry today, what an insult. I am furious.

I have been on this forum for a while. I want it to be noted that I don't take things like a champ.

I don't. I don't want to take things like a champ.

I feel so angry and hurt BECAUSE I am so honest on here. I feel like the worst sort of person. Maybe I am.

But also AGGRIEVED.
 
Today I am no longer aggrieved, thank God. I am delighted though because I’m 3 days in with no cigarettes and no cravings so far. And I had an opportunity earlier to buy them and smoke one, but I didn’t.

Also, Mum took an antigen test earlier and it was negative, so Christmas isn’t ruined. She is in super form - we’re getting on great.
 
OKAY!

Here we go.

It's very difficult to be a person that posts on this forum right now because I have been taken down a peg or two by LaMa - she posts here all the time and has a lot of friends and support here.

I always viewed this place as somewhere I could go to and really be open about the struggles I have had with food and body image and all that comes with being in that place. It is not a nice place. I am still in that place for the most part, but honestly, I've made strides.

I want to be open and say that I do tend to push buttons here and in my own life because I can't be a cheerleader longterm. It's just not in me - I don't believe that's a negative thing, I really do respect people and their views, but if I think they are veering too much on one side or the other, I will call them out on it. Whether that is on the forum, in work, in houseshares, in my friend group, it is all the same. I am consistent, and really, I am trying to create balance.

That's not to say I can't be wrong, or rude, or mean, or any of those things, I can be. And when I make a mess of things, I do feel bad, and I do own up to it. I made a really mean, stupid remark to one of the tennis ladies lately - I feel like vomiting when I think about it, because she has been nothing been nice to me, and she didn't turn against me afterwards, but I would have understood it if she did. But she didn't, and I think we've moved on.

On the other hand, I don't have that feeling of shame when I think about anything I have said on here. I have never personally attacked anyone and compared them to a rotten fruit, which I have taken absolute exception to. I have really only challenged beliefs about certain things - maybe looking at stuff from a different angle? I really am happy with the person I am, but I am devastated that I have been stamped down because I am not abiding by the status quo.

I am so upset about this because I really thought this was the Breakfast Club or something, and now I realise it's nothing like that.

At the same time, I refuse to be bullied out of here. And LaMa gave me a public dressing down, even though I had messaged her privately. So, that was sending a message I guess. So I'm sending a message back.

I won't be bullied again. And I won't be bullied by you.
 
2 days to go until the New Year. Weight is high but I have been sticking to my routine so I am confident that I will start seeing changes soon. I’ve just finished a spin class now and I’m waiting for yoga to start.

I met my friend for dinner last night and I’m meeting Alex the painter this evening after a long hiatus. I’m curious to see how it goes. A bit nervous really.

I’m not feeling body confident which means I don’t really want to date anyone, but it’s early days so there’s not the same pressure there.

I am meeting my new housemate on Saturday, she has come to Ireland to learn English. That might mean we get on better, if she doesn’t really understand what I’m saying, haha.

Anyway, that’s all the news, going for lunch tomorrow with my parents, and then it’s on to a stricter diet for January as I need to shake off some of this excess weight.
 
Hi Emily, hope all goes well meeting the painter! It's nice that there's less pressure.. What are you going to do with him?
 
Hey Sunflower, we were just going for a drink for an hour or two (pubs close at 8pm) but I had just been dropped into town when he texted me to cancel. He rang me later and he has a suspicious cough, so I’m happy that we didn’t meet up. My new place is quite near where he lives (coincidentally) so I feel like we’ll definitely meet up next year.

I rallied and met a different friend instead. We had a great chat. All my friends are men now - should I be worried? I guess any friend is a good thing.

I had two pints and a whiskey with him and as a result, I had a terrible night’s sleep. Truly weird dreams and I kept waking up.

Have that lovely lunch planned today with my two faves but must get out for a run first. The joys of it.

If you’re reading this, Happy New Year to you. This could be the one where we finally reach our body goals.
 
2022 - The Year of Good Things

Day 1: Exploring My New Neighbourhood
Weight: 200.8 lbs - Body fat: 44% - BMI: 30.6
Sleep: 7 hr 16 - Sleep score: 76 (Fair)
RHR: 58 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average)
Cigarettes: 2

Food:
- 3 extra spearmint chewing gums
- toasted cheese, red onion & chutney sandwich with mayo; tea & milk
- instant coffee & milk; 2 biscuits
- 50 g salt & vinegar crisps; french press coffee and milk; 2 time outs (20.2 g each)
- can of lucozade
- beef lasagne, carrot & parsnip mash, fine beans, mangetout, potato
- apple tart, cream & ice cream
- tea & milk; 1 chocolate kimberley

Exercise:
- 5k run
- 40 min walk
- Home yoga

TV:
The Tourist starring Jamie Dornan (ride)

3 Good Things:
1. Had fun wandering around my new neighbourhood today.
2. Enjoyed The Tourist.
3. Alex texted me to wish me 'Happy New Year'.
 
Thanks Sunflower. Yeah, I am a big fan of the mash myself. Still nice without butter or salt.

Day 2: One Last Christmas Blowout
Weight: 200.5 lbs - Body fat: 43.9% - BMI: 30.5
Sleep: 9 hr 10 - Sleep score: 82 (Good)
RHR: 56 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average)
Cigarettes: 7

Food:
- orange juice; instant coffee & milk
- 1 weetabix, cornflakes, granola & whole milk
- 4 chocolate kimberleys
- flat white
- cheese & onion crisps; 3 chocolate honeycomb pieces
- roast lamb, gravy, potatoes, broccoli and carrots
- apple tart, ice cream & cream; tea & milk
- bottle of Lomza 500 ml
- bottle of white wine 13%

Exercise:
- tennis with Dad
- walk (30 min)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. I think my parents are really going to miss me.
2. I'm settling into my room and it's quite spacious! I'm excited about getting a few things for it to make it more cosy, but I have my cool red lamp and ylang ylang and orange blossom candle on the go already.
3. I'm really enjoying the Yoga With Adriene videos I've been following on youtube. I think they're helping.
 
Day 3: Back to the Real World
Sleep: 6 hr 50 - Sleep score: 64 (Fair)
RHR: 58 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average)
Cigarettes: 6

Food:
- banana; 2 time outs
- bottle of Lucozade; bottle of coke; small glass of milk
- toasted ham, cheese, tomato & red onion sandwich with chips, coleslaw, ketchup, vinegar & salt
- pot of tea & milk; cup of tea & milk
- red berry smoothie
- caramello bar; 2 small dairy milk bars
- 2 chocolate kimberleys
- small cappuccino

Exercise:
- tennis doubles
- walk (40 min)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. I helped my dad out tonight with some expenses he had to do online.
2. Tennis was great fun tonight AND I won all my games.
3. I got a cute painting today for my wall.
 
Day 4: Work, Walk, Yoga, Wine
Weight: 200.8 lbs - Body fat: 43.9% - BMI: 30.6
Sleep: 7 hr 23 - Sleep score: 77 (Fair)
RHR: 55 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 10

Food:
- hi8 muesli with milk; carrot juice (turned my pee radioactive - that's how you know it's working ;))
- apple
- 2 coffees; 2 teas
- tuna, tomatoes, peppers, avocado, cucumber and spinach salad; slice toast & butter
- natural yoghurt with goji berries
- chicken stir fry with garlic, onion, curry paste, chopped tomatoes, courgette, aubergine, carrot, spinach & quinoa
- bottle of red wine 13% (will probably also turn my pee radioactive and I will regret majorly all day tomorrow, but needs must, I guess. Trying not to judge myself too harshly. I am where I am. I can only try to do better tomorrow.)

Exercise:
- lunchtime walk (20 min)
- walk (30 min)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. I managed to close the window in my bedroom. It will never be opened again. :p
2. Work today was actually very enjoyable for the most part. It's great to have the first day of doom over me. And my commute is only 10 minutes now, which means I am saving myself around an hour of car time every day.
3. Really enjoyed this interview with Rebel Wilson, she talks about weight loss and other stuff, worth a watch if you're interested:
 
I really like her, she's beautiful!

I've been taking these dissolvable vit C tablets that turn your pee fluorescent. I also think that means it's "working" 😂

Glad you managed to shut your window!
 
Yeah, she looks amazing Sunflower. And thanks! That was a major issue for a couple of days there, haha.

Day 5: The January Blues Come to Town
Sleep: 6 hr 6 - Sleep score: 62 (Fair)
RHR: 58 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 7

Food:
- banana; salt and vinegar crisps; can of lucozade
- 2 small bars dairy milk; small crunchie; small kitkat (they don't count if they're small - according to my sugar-crazed brain, at least!)
- 2 coffees; 2 teas
- club sandwich of ham, chicken and egg
- fry's chocolate cream
- slice of toast and butter
- thai green curry with rice, chips and ketchup (thank you hangover!)
- half bottle of white wine 12.5% (this is mostly to avoid a weigh-in tomorrow. Weaning myself off it slowly.)

Exercise:
- walk (30 min)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. My manager said I was 'great to work with' today.
2. I came up with a nice idea to celebrate her birthday next week.
3. I had a laugh with one of the Indian colleagues today when I said that I thought they didn't celebrate Christmas in India and he exclaimed, 'Emily! What are you talking about? We celebrate everything in India!' Haha.
 
Day 6: Look Out Hollywood, Here I Come
Sleep: 7 hr 31 - Sleep score: 81 (Good)
RHR: 58 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 12

Food:
- hi8 muesli & milk; carrot juice
- apple
- 2 small dairy milk bars; 2 time outs
- 3 teas; 2 coffees
- quinoa, tomatoes, avocado, cucumber, spinach, tuna and slice of toast with butter
- scrambled eggs with coriander and feta cheese and slice of brown bread and butter
- can of coke
- 13.5% bottle of white wine

Exercise:
- tennis (club night)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. We're only 6 days into the year of 'good things' and I received a text out of the blue today from a guy that I was in a play with a few years back, asking me if I wanted to 'star' as the lead in a short film he's directing. (I am literally like Moira Rose with The Crowening, hahaha.) They are shooting the weekend after next. I was slightly panicking because I was thinking about the weight gain and how shit I look at the moment (I was looking particularly shit today), but at the same time, I was so excited to get a text like that. I mean, this is my dream really. As foolhardy as it may seem. So anyway, he sent me on the script and the role is...

an alcoholic homeless woman.

No need to worry about my looks for this one! I feel typecast, haha. I'm 'method acting' for the evening. But seriously, it's so exciting. I am thrilled he even thought of me. And the script is pretty good.
2. I played scintillating tennis tonight. Scintillating.
3. I made the panel for the tennis league starting in February. I have a good chance of getting a few games, as the best player has moved up a grade and four women play in each match-up, instead of just two. Also, see point 2. Scintillating. :D
 
Day 7: TGIF, TGIF!
Sleep: 6 hr 4 - Sleep score: 67 (Fair)
RHR: 60 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average)
Cigarettes: 2

Food:
- 2 slices toast and butter
- 3 coffees; 1 tea
- small kitkat; small flake; small crunchie
- ham and cheese toasted sandwich; can of rock shandy
- McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, ketchup & large coke
- Galaxy caramel mini McFlurry

Exercise:
- walk (30 min)
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. I didn't buy wine today and should wake up relatively fresh tomorrow.
2. I did a module of this online course I have to do and made out a solid plan for the next 10 days that I simply must follow.
3. The new girl in the office is really nice. We had a good chat today.
 
Day 8: It's Time to Start Feeling the Feelings
Weight: 199.4 lbs - Body fat: 44% - BMI: 30.4

Sleep: 8 hr 14 - Sleep score: 80 (Good)
RHR: 57 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 8

Food:
- hi8 muesli & milk; carrot juice
- white coffee and horrible peanut square thing (loved the coffee shop, hated what I ordered)
- green smoothie
- brie, pesto and chicken ciabatta roll
- salt and vinegar crisps
- 14% bottle of red wine

Exercise:
- walk to town and back (1 hr 30 min)

3 Good Things:
1. I enjoyed my walk to town.
2. I had a lomi lomi massage today, which is a traditional Hawaiian massage, a first for me. It was above the crystals shop. They have a LOT of crystals in that shop. She said I might have quite 'vivid dreams' afterwards. Let's see what the night brings...
3. I did a few modules for my course.
 
Day 9: Building a Better Routine
Sleep: 7 hr 59 min - Sleep score: 76 (Fair)
RHR: 57 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 7

Food:
- banana
- ham, cheese, tomato and onion toastie; cup of veg soup; cup of tea and milk
- cappuccino and jam and cream doughnut
- veggie stir fry with courgette, aubergine, carrot, butter beans, chopped tomatoes, coriander, garlic, onion & mild curry paste
- half scone with butter and jam/marmalade
- slice of toast with butter and gouda cheese
- galaxy bar; galaxy caramel bar; cup of tea

Exercise:
- walk (40 min)
- tennis singles
- home yoga

3 Good Things:
1. Tennis was great today.
2. I continued with my course. It's interesting but I really have to force myself to sit down for an hour every day and do it.
3. This word game: https://www.powerlanguage.co.uk/wordle/
 
Day 10: COmmunity DiVIDe
Weight:
200.4 lbs - Body fat: 44% - BMI: 30.5
Sleep: 7 hr 23 min - Sleep score: 76 (Fair)
RHR: 55 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 14

Food:
- banana
- slice of toast and butter
- small flake; small curly wurly; small crunchie
- 2 x coffees; 1 x tea
- salad of feta cheese, tomatoes, tuna, coriander, spinach, cucumber, peppers & slice of brown bread & butter
- apple
- scrambled eggs with feta and coriander and 2 slices brown bread and butter
- can of club orange
- 4/5 bottle white wine 13.5%

Exercise:
- walk (30 min)

3 Good Things:
1. Rehearsal went well.
2. Work was fine.
3. Mum sounds good.
 
Day 11: Creativity Has Died
Sleep: 5 hr 56 min - Sleep score: 54 (Poor)
RHR: 57 - Cardio fitness: 32-36 (Average to Good)
Cigarettes: 7

Food:
- banana
- slice of toast and butter
- small kitkat
- 3 coffees; 1 tea; 1 herbal tea
- carrot juice; milk
- 4 extra spearmint chewing gums
- natural yoghurt
- toasted ham, cheese, onion and tomato sandwich with fries and ketchup
- 1 and a bit glasses of white wine
- 2 mini pastries
- bottle of lucozade

Exercise:
- yin yoga
- singles tennis (I lost badly)

3 Good Things:
1. I really like yin yoga, so relaxing.
2. I was able to help out my colleague and my mum today, so that was cool.
3. I was so cold earlier, but now I'm warm and cosy. And about to go to sleep! Which is exciting.
 
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