Emily Rose: The Reboot

Just catching up on your past few days, Em. Well done on turning the week around!! Congrats on being asked to play tennis for the club. Super impressive. PS - your healthy meals sound DELICIOUS!!! Love when you list out the healthy foods. Here's hoping this spring/summer brings wonderful things for you.
 
- Thanks Cate. I'll do the 'no drinking at home' version for sure.
- Thanks Alex, me too!

Today was a pretty good day overall. I'm sitting in bed now drinking my alcohol-free Kopparberg, which was a compromise.

Food started out great today - had buckwheat porridge with mulberries, cacao nibs and milk, and a small coffee. Buckwheat is a new thing for me. It's fairly tasteless but filling and you make it the same way as normal porridge. So it's a winner! I'm going through my 'beautiful foods' book and making all sorts of discoveries. It's making healthy meals more 'fun' for me again.

I got a chicken and bacon toasted sandwich for lunch because I was out and about and didn't have time to go home and prep something. I was fully planning to have a prawn stir-fry for dinner, but my housemate is there with her friend, and I just don't feel like fighting over the kitchen space with them when they are cooking too. So I'm having my Kopparberg instead. I contemplated the alcohol-free wine but it just seemed like such a waste.

I got the engagement presents sorted for my friends - I bought one a little wedding planner and a travel book because she's emigrating in a few weeks. I got the other a voucher for a chain of amazing restaurants here where I live. The restaurant was hopping when I went in this afternoon at around lunchtime, which is always a good sign. Life has returned! It's great!!!

After my venture into town, I came home and went for a nap, then got up again and watched my friends play in a tennis tournament. They won, but it was close! I had carrot cake and a coffee at that. I did my shop in Dunnes after and had a bar of turkish delight. So I've definitely eaten enough calories for the day.

I have a hectic schedule for the next two weeks so I'm going to really rest up this evening and try to be asleep by 10.30 pm. My match is at 12 tomorrow. I started out badly in my match this morning but really got into it, so my confidence levels are high. The guy I'm playing with is kind of good-looking as well, which always motivates me. Hahaha.
 
Emilyrose said:
I contemplated the alcohol-free wine but it just seemed like such a waste.
Click to expand...
I have always thought all the alcohol free drinks were a waste. But if it's helping you stay off alcohol, that's great!

I know a guy who had a harrowing escape from Poland back in the 70s when it was behind the iron curtain. When he finally got to Canada he bought a case of beer with the plan of getting quite drunk to celebrate. After drinking about half of it and getting really sick, but not drunk, he used his Polish/English dictionary to discover it was alcohol free. He said he had no idea such a thing existed, and was quite disgusted. Never drank Canadian beer again.

Emilyrose said:
I've definitely eaten enough calories for the day.
Click to expand...
Do you have a calorie goal now?
 
Emilyrose said:
I'll do the 'no drinking at home' version for sure.
Click to expand...
Oh, excellent :)
Emilyrose said:
had buckwheat porridge with mulberries, cacao nibs and milk,
Click to expand...
I must try it.
"Buckwheat contains more fibre, potassium, vitamins and less saturated fat than oatmeal. When deciding what type of grain you should choose, it is important to remember that buckwheat has more fibre, potassium and vitamin B2 and B3 and less saturated fat than oatmeal."
Good luck with the match tomorrow!
 
That's funny, I was just reading about how to cook buckwheat. We eat a lot of buckwheat noodles from the Asian market as they don't give K a gluten stomach ache. Good to know the health benefits, too!

I'm really glad you are working on self compassion! It really has helped me immensely, though I have a ways to go yet. And so glad you are trying the alcohol free drinks to see how you like them. I really hope it's a good substitute for you!!

Good luck with your upcoming match, and it's wonderful hearing how you are so motivated in tennis! I bet you are being asked to play even though you aren't winning as much as you'd like because you really enjoy the sport? I think people want to play with other people who enjoy themselves even more than people who win a lot but aren't necessarily fun to play with.

So glad you like your new housemate, too! It's good to hear you are doing so well!!
 
- Hi Rob. No, I don't have a calorie goal. I'm aiming for 3 healthy meals a day and a few snacks if needed. I hate calorie counting. But I know when I'm gone way over at the same time! :)
- Thanks Cate. Yeah, it's grand. Get the buckwheat flakes.

Guys, I think I'm finally healing. I completed a job tonight that it's taken me a year to get to. I'm so delighted with myself. I basically sorted out two huge containers of clothes that have been sitting in the spare room since I moved out of the last place. I was sifting through it because I was trying to find outfits to fit me for the work thing next weekend. Trying on the clothes was not a pleasant experience, I can tell you that for nothing. But look, I got a win out of it. My parents will be so happy, haha. And I packed up two bags of clothes that do not fit me or that I never wear, which is good. Clear the clutter!

My match today was a disaster, but my partner was quite dishy. Tall, broad and in great shape. He was a nice guy as well but we played so crap. It's funny in doubles, if one partner starts playing well, the power kind of passes over to the other partner and you really get into the groove. That did not happen today, unfortunately.

SG is moving back to Spain for good this week - he's kind of been pestering me to meet up with him. I'm happy to meet for a friendly drink goodbye but that's not what he's after, so I probably won't see him again. It's sad, but c'est la vie. I guess that door is officially closed. Time to start looking for someone else.

I do feel the 'I love my beautiful body' is starting to sink in a bit. Sure, I look terrible in all my clothes, but it could be worse! Hahaha. 🤡 But, on a positive note, I had a really nice breakfast of buckwheat porridge this morning with pumpkin seeds and flaxseed. Lunch wasn't fantastic - we had sandwiches and biscuits at the club after the match. I've developed a real aversion to wraps now. I used to go mad for them, but I got one last week where the ham was so disgusting that I only ate one half and threw the rest of it away. That is so not like me. I just hate that plastic ham, absolutely revolting. So I'm actually enjoying my own food a lot more now. Dinner was a prawn stir fry with rice and turmeric and a little bit of pesto. So tasty. Delighted with myself.

I figure if I keep up the cooking and preparing my lunch (beetroot, rice, lettuce, rocket, spinach, peppers and cucumber is my lunch for tomorrow), I'll be fitting into my lovely dresses in no time. 200 pounds today, which is on the cusp of being back in the 190s. Downwards we go!!!
 
So cool you got your old clothes sorted and cleared out! I know what you mean about trying on clothes not being pleasant, but we're exercising and eating pretty well, so the weight will drop off slowly but surely! I don't think loving your body and how your body looks as far as fashion are really that connected. I have just been appreciating how much more toned I am getting, and it makes me feel good. Then if I look at how much I still need to lose, I feel bad, so I just go back to appreciating how much better it feels to be getting in shape.

Your food sounds scrumptious and healthy. 190s, here you come!
 
Oh, I hope I'm back there soon, Marsia. Tomorrow, preferably!

Today was pretty good. My only healthy meal was the lunch I prepped yesterday, but at least I ate that. I have lunch prepped for tomorrow again - sauerkraut, beetroot, rocket, spinach, lettuce, peppers and tomatoes with olive oil. I really want to get up on time tomorrow and have a proper breakfast - probably the buckwheat porridge again with a few extras. I'm out of milk though so running to the shop to get that means getting up 10 minutes earlier. Those 10 minutes are precious! But I had a long nap after work today, so hopefully I'll manage it.

I'm sleeping a lot lately. I think it's part of the healing phase that I've decided I'm in right now. I had to go for an afternoon nap both on Saturday and Sunday this weekend past. In some ways, I think that's a bit worrying, but at the same time, if it's sleep I need, I need to allow it. It's definitely because of all the alcohol. My body is basically forcing me into recovery mode. In a way, that's a fantastic thing. I used to work with a woman that barely slept any night and it sounded like hell on earth. She said even when she did sleep, she had these horrible dreams, so it wasn't even soothing to be asleep! I don't even understand how you could function if that was what you had to contend with every time your head hit the pillow.

I'm feeling in a kind of grateful mood tonight. Let's list some things I feel gratitude for:
1. I feel grateful for the lovely people I have met through the game of tennis. I had a lovely chat with Elaine tonight after our game and it really gave me a boost.
2. I feel grateful for finding a sport I really like. Also, 3 people from the club have commented on my 'fitness' in the last few days, which is phenomenal, considering I'm 50 pounds overweight. So that's cool. It must be doing something good for me.
3. I feel grateful for my lovely parents and that my mother has clawed her way back from the gates of hell.
4. I feel grateful for the amazing hotel work is bringing us to this weekend. Can you be grateful for a hotel? Lol. You know what I mean. I'm grateful for hotels in general. Hahaha.
5. I'm grateful to live in Ireland, where even though we are getting fleeced with the cost of living, it is a very safe country and people in general are supportive and kind to each other. I was speaking to a woman who has a Ukrainian woman living with her now, and the stories she was telling me were so sad. It's so devastating that this needless violence and killing is going on in the world. My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering because of it. I need to think of ways I can give back more myself.

That's kind of it really. Tomorrow is a yoga evening and I have a busy day planned in work, so it should go quickly enough. Prawn stir fry is on the menu again for dinner. Night all.
 
Thanks Cate.

I think I overexerted myself with all that gratitude yesterday because I am so, so tired this evening. I managed to make my prawn stir fry with quinoa and kidney beans to bulk it up a bit, but it was a struggle. I'm meant to be leaving for yoga in 5 minutes but I just can't do it. This is kind of a typical evening where I might buy wine but I have that work thing looming and I know it's a bad idea. Hopefully, my resolve doesn't waiver as the evening goes on.

What I'm going to wear to the work thing is a real stick in my craw at the moment. Of course, I want to look dazzling and charming at it. I'm just so out of shape, it's so annoying. Even the better eating the last few weeks hasn't made much difference (yet. Obviously I have to keep at it). But yeah, it's all fairly gloomy and stressful. I know I am not the first woman in the world to have this problem. But I hate it. I hate having this problem.

I'm wondering what I would sacrifice if someone came to me and said, 'You could be in optimum shape for the rest of your life, starting instantly, but for this precious gift, you will need to sacrifice ________'. There probably isn't a good answer for that. Well, the answer is probably alcohol, let's be real here. Anyway, it's an interesting one. I suppose what I'm trying to do is to pretend I'm in optimum shape and act accordingly, so that doesn't really work either.

Like, if I put my mind to it, it would only take a year to get back into optimum shape. A year is nothing. Covid has proved that. Time flies even when you're doing absolutely nothing useful with your day, except making the company you work for money. That's literally all I did for 2 years. And it flew. It wasn't even that bad! (Ah, look how quickly we forget!) So yeah. I'm kind of hoping there is some disaster where no one is hurt but the event has to be cancelled at the last minute. I was meant to do a photoshoot thing with the drama group this week, and karma was my friend and we have to move it until September now. Another huge weight off my shoulders.

Maybe I'm so tired because I'm actually busy again (comparatively at least). Hmm.
 
Do you think you'll need to go buy an outfit for the work thing? I did that recently and felt a lot better having something that is actually my current size. I love doing a gratitude practice! I feel so connected to life when I do that regularly. It's good that your body is healing from all of the alcohol and business. I hope you can keep skipping the alcohol at least for a while to break the pattern of using that to relax instead of relying on your own healthy relaxation routines. I love how much you get out of tennis. So wonderful!
 
Thanks Marsia. Yeah, we have late night shopping here on a Thursday, so I'm going tomorrow after work. I basically can't leave the shopping centre until I find an outfit. I've made a deal with the Universe though - if I get up for my run tomorrow, I will find the perfect outfit that I will look beautiful in. That seems fair, right?

I've been really struggling to wake up in the mornings and drag myself out of bed to go for a run, but this evening, I figured out a solution. There is a lake not too far from the house which has a circular path around it that's about a kilometre long. I did one loop earlier today, and that's where I will run tomorrow. My usual running spot is just too far a drive from my house - I have to get up before 7 am to get there, get the run in, and get back in time for a shower and breakfast, so this is the perfect solution. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it before. Maybe because I didn't really want to.

Anyway, that's the morning sorted. Work then - we're away Friday so it will be a 'wrapping things up' kind of a day. Then shopping centre, then home to get my curling wand, my shoes and borrow Mum's suitcase. Then hopefully a good night's sleep and up bright and early to get ready for this work thing.

Still very tired today - another nap taken after work today. It was needed. After this weekend, I really am taking a long break from the booze for a while. I just can't keep this up anymore. That's probably a good thing. I hate feeling exhausted.

SG is gone forever today. I'm a little bit sad about that. I mean, I haven't seen him in over a year, but I guess it was always nice to know he was there if I wanted him. He kept in touch the whole time. Now I'll have to fly to Spain if I ever want to see him again. I guess you never know.

Myself and one of the girls in the office were talking about the new guy this week, and she was like, 'I can't believe he has a girlfriend!' It lead me to thinking that there would be nothing worse than having a really stupid boyfriend. We think the new guy has some kind of learning difficulties mixed with social anxiety. Maybe Asperger's, I don't know. He is prone to shaking fits when under stress. It doesn't make him easy to deal with, to be honest. I just want people in the office that are fit for purpose. It's hard to have to walk on eggshells around people when you know they are very vulnerable. I sound awful, I know, but we have had so.many.people in the office the last few years that have issues of some kind. I mean, I have issues myself, obviously, or I wouldn't be here talking about them to internet friends, but I'm able to do my job well, for the most part. There's a lot of people struggling with the way the world is now. I'm not quite sure what the solution is.
 
Guys, I did it. I found a beautiful dress for the weekend away! And I went for my run this morning, so everything is awesome!

But yeah, I must have tried on 20 dresses, and this one just works. It's really pretty and fun and kind of my style and I will feel comfortable in it, which is the most important thing. I also got a très chic blazer in baby blue, which I am in love with, so it was a very successful shopping trip in the end.

I called home then and had some tea and toast with my parents, who seem to be doing well. Sometimes I think Mum is a bit out of it with the tablets, but she seems to be okay for the most part. She did some gardening today. I love hearing about her doing stuff. Recovery is such a long process. But she is getting there. We had a bit of a laugh, because Dad sent an email to the wrong Emily Rose, because Mum gave him the wrong email address. He used a . instead of an _. The title of the email was 'Mum's Amazing Wordle', with a screenshot of the Wordle she did. 😂 That must have given the other Emily Rose a good laugh.

What else? I was watching the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp today. Fascinating stuff. Just fascinating. It's called Hollyweird for a reason. I'll reserve my judgement on it, because who really knows, but I will say that Amber Heard does not come across as a likeable character and a lot of her testimony seems pre-rehearsed and badly acted. Anyway, that's enough of that. I'm sure we'll all be watching the Netflix series on it in a few years.

I feel completely wired after my shopping trip and the excitement of the day ahead. I am so happy with my dress!!! I really am thrilled. Trying on all the other dresses was a traumatic experience, so it was great to find this one!! I do think my skin tone has slightly improved from the healthier diet I've been eating lately, but I really have to lose this huge hunk of chunk that has developed. It's a new month next week, so I must concoct a new plan and stick to it this time. I think losing the wine is the main thing. It's the only thing holding me back. (No wine tonight or last night though. Good girl.)
 
So happy you found something you really will like wearing and a blazer, too! I will join you in eating better. I think I've been overdoing it a bit because of being tired gardening in the heat, so I'm getting more firmed up generally, but my stomach is a marshmallow. Amber Heard has very conflicting body language to what she is saying. I haven't watched much of the trial, just snippets from commentators like Russell Brand, but wow, she is not credible.

With the guy who shakes at your office, maybe try smiling at him more? I find with social anxiety that I expect people to be annoyed or frustrated with me, so I act as if they are even before they have any type of reaction to me, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that people are not going to be friendly to me because I am tip toeing around them. Silly, I know, but a hard habit to break.

Anyway, hope you have a lovely time at your work thing!
 
- Thanks Cate. Yay indeed.
- I'm trying the smiling more at him thing Marsia. I'm doing my best to be kind to him.

I have had a really bad day today. I've been in bed and crying for most of the day. It's been rough.

A number of things have happened, it's all kind of come together, and today I just called in sick to work because my coping skills had come to an end. Let's just say the bag of rocks opened and fell down on top of me! I've spent the day trying to dig myself out.

I won a huge work award last week, my parents are absolutely delighted, and so am I. But it has set the cat among the pigeons in the office. I got an extremely muted response from the team when I won, and one of them was actually openly nasty to me, and then told my manager that someone else should have won it. It's really sent me into a tailspin. Two girls that I was close to have left recently, and I really have felt their absence the last few days. I also had a run-in with another colleague about a different thing, but it was on the same day I won the award, and I can't help but feel that it's linked to her outburst against me. I don't know what to do now. It's devastated me, I have to say.

We also had a meeting for the drama club last night, which descended into absolute chaos. Two people were unhappy with certain things that happened, and they were shouting and caused a huge uproar. It's tipped me over the edge, to be honest. I acknowledge I made a few missteps with one or two things - I apologised for them, and tried to explain my rationale. But the rest of it was just horrible, and one of our committee members had also done something that only came out last night, which has really annoyed me. It was a really stupid thing that they said, and it created a large percentage of the hullabaloo that occurred.

So yeah, I'm in a very sad, emotional place tonight. The bright spots of the day were a 2-hour tennis game where I won every match, probably because I am so filled with adrenaline from all the crap that's happened. So yeah, my tennis game has improved. But at what cost? Lol. Also, my new housemate moved in, she seems lovely. So anyway. Let's hope the sun comes up tomorrow. New month and all.
 
Oh, Em :grouphug:
Congratulations on your work award. Your workplace must be so competitive. It all sounds a bit nasty to me.
Your drama group got a bit melodramatic by the sounds of it.
Maybe the moon & the stars are out of alignment.
Today is the 1st of May & for you, it's the 1st day of Summer. Here it's f#%*ing freezing!
I'm glad your new housemate seems nice. Onward & upward, Em.
 
Wow, I agree, your workplace seems really unsupportive. I hope you don't take other people's competitiveness as anything other than insecurity. I really don't think their pettiness is about you. I think it's about them. I hope with the drama group now that things have been aired, it will calm down now. Sorry you had such a crappy day, but nice you channeled it into great tennis!!
 
- Thanks Cate. I don't have any other choice, I guess!
- Thanks Marsia. I know it's about them, but I guess I didn't feel supported, and that to me is the worst feeling in the world.

I'm thawing out a bit. I played tennis again tonight - not as well, but I played and got some sunshine. It was a beautiful evening. I played with a group of women I don't really know, only in passing really, which is kind of like descending into the lion's den a bit. I actually don't really care to play politics in general, so I just rocked up. I didn't feel like smiling and making small talk, so I didn't. That's not to say I was unpleasant, not at all, but I wasn't pandering. There's a difference. Anyway, I don't know what they made of me really, and I don't really care that much. I wanted to play tennis and I did. The rest of the stuff doesn't matter so much.

One of the women there is a super-competitive A-type personality (you can figure a person out pretty fast) and she was really studying me today. She was probably happy that I played pretty poorly against her. I guess I've probably stood out a little bit because I've played two matches now representing the club, so she was probably wondering how I got picked. The thing is, I know worrying or thinking about this stuff is so silly, but at the same time, I find the human mind so interesting, and what makes people tick. That's why I love books and stories and plays and drama. Everyone has something that they want, need, are envious of, are content with... I find the whole array of human emotion fascinating. I don't particularly like being studied myself though.

I think the thing about it is for me is that I had such a horrible experience in primary school of being bullied that I decided I would just blend in for the rest of my life and never upset anyone by standing out again. And, you know, that mode of living is really not working for me. And, I've discovered, it's also impossible, because I just can't be anyone other than myself, and I'm bright and personable and I have a lot of really positive traits, which you might not agree that I have, but that's okay. I really show the more negative side of myself here. All the inner conflict and the self-loathing and the anger. Such anger! But, I literally drank my way through the last year, and I still won a huge award and got to play for my club. So like, I guess the question I need to ask myself is, what would life be like if I actually started to try?
 
This is wonderful - you aren't going to need the weird people at work to support you because you'll support yourself! I think you should have a nice little celebration with your folks or other people who know and love you and that can be your support! I can tell how much thought you put into work and your drama club and I can tell that you have a lot going for you. I also struggle with anger and impatience and feeling unsupported. I get how those things can stand out more than the longer list of good traits at times. It's very frustrating, but at least we are aware of things like this and we work on them!

I am really happy you are looking at the positives in your life and how you really don't need to dial back your personality because then you aren't being you! I always have to remember that I am not my anger or impatience or anything transient like that. Those things are challenges, but they don't define me. It's wonderful what you've accomplished this year so far and I really hope you find very healthy alternatives to alcohol that you love doing!!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top