Emily Rose: The Reboot

Sorry the person at work screwed up your work. If they hid in the bathroom all day after that it seems like they won't be around much longer. Weird person! I think the chart with the pounds getting crossed off is great. I may join you in that if I can ever find my scale again. And congrats on your first pound gone!

People get habituated to circumstances and forget to be grateful, I think. One of the most powerful things I know about for lifting mood is gratefulness. I think about how hard my grandparents worked to put food on the table and how lazy my generation is in comparison. Or how the quality of life now for the average lower middle class person is better than most kings or queens were back in the day, ...

I hate that idea of not amounting to anything. I just hope we all can do what we love and whether it has real meaning for others is up to fate to decide! Have a lovely weekend!!
 
- Haha, yeah, Covid has put a bit of a downer on Planet Earth in general, but this too shall pass, Cate.
- Yes, very true Marsia. Thank you. x

I’m a bit worried about the level of sleep I am needing at the moment. I had a nap there and at one time, all these hands (my hands) were attacking me and pinching me and I could hear someone whispering something creepy into my ear. It was pretty traumatic. I’m sure Freud would have fun with that one.

I do feel like my life is full of peaks and troughs at the moment, but during the downtime, my interest in things has waned a bit, and all I want to do is sleep. I guess I need it. My hip has improved but it’s still giving me a bit of trouble sometimes when I’m lying down. I do think it’s due to the excess weight though.

I did wake up early this morning and go for a run - I felt good out there. I had a healthy breakfast of buckwheat porridge with cranberries and raspberries. I read The Forsyte Saga for a while - first section of 3 complete, I’m enjoying it! - but then it was naptime again. I try not to watch TV during the day.

I have since got up, put on some make up and a pretty dress, and am waiting for my parents to arrive for a meal out at a fancy hotel to celebrate both the award and Father’s Day. It’s probably one of the nicest hotels in x.

I played tennis last night with Dad, it was good, so at least I have got some good exercise in this weekend. I have a very busy week in work ahead, which is sometimes preferable. I won’t have time to get irritated.

Well, best go and enjoy my meal!! More tomorrow. Mwah!
 
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Wow, your dream is really interesting! It sounds a little like death by a million paper cuts - self inflicted pinches, but maybe enough of them to be disturbing?

Glad you are getting out with family celebrating Father's Day and your award! And so nice you played tennis with your dad. Have you tried hot or cold on your hip yet? Hope the pain goes away quickly with weight loss! Lots of sleep sounds like a good plan. I need a bit of that, too!
 
- Thanks Cate. The dinner was really lovely. I had breaded cod and ice cream for dessert. Didn't overdo it.
- The dream probably represents my smoking habit Marsia, haha. Good insight.

My stomach is in bits this evening after eating a very subpar vegan ready meal for dinner. Will not be buying again! I got it on special offer - there is a reason people aren't buying it! I am extremely gassy. Yuck. 😷

I feel really tired now, but in that great way where I know I'm going to have an excellent night's sleep. I played tennis for a few hours after work - thank God the court was outdoor, otherwise it would have been très embarrassing with all the stink coming out of me. :LOL: But I enjoyed it overall. The weather is really beautiful here right now. More tennis planned for Thursday evening.

I'm meeting a friend for some food tomorrow evening after work, which I'm really looking forward to. We're going to a really nice bar in town. I haven't decided if I'm drinking yet or not. Probably not, to be honest. I had some non-alcoholic beer with my meal on Sunday and it worked out fine. A glass of wine would have been nice, but one glass is never enough for me. I just like an excess of anything bad for me. I'm trying to accept that about myself instead of constantly berating myself for not being disciplined enough.

I'm another pound down! And back to 45% body fat, which is of course is horrendous, but is still an improvement. I think the countdown calendar is working.

The ideal plan for tomorrow is to get up in the morning and go for a run before work, as I won't have time after work because of the meetup with my friend. I went for a run yesterday after work and really enjoyed it. I have to say, I'm looking a lot better the last few weeks. All the tennis is definitely paying off. If I manage to get the first 20 pounds down, I think I'll be looking pretty fit. There is a good body here, it's just disguised under too much jiggle right now. But I'm not in despair about it - I feel like I'm finally doing something about it. Onwards and upwards (or is it downwards I should be saying? Haha).
 
Another lb down? Yay! Tennis really suits you, Em. I'm glad you play. Enjoy your catchup with your friend.
 
Hi Cate. Yes, it really suits me. It's the silver lining behind the cloud that was Covid. So I have to be thankful for that.

I really had to white knuckle my way through the evening to not buy wine. I managed it, but it was tough. I had two non-alcoholic beers with my friend, which took the edge off a tiny bit, but I really wanted to have a glass of wine with her. But I parked in a car park so that I wouldn't be able to just abandon the car if the urge took me. I know all my tactics too well! Anyway, I've made it to past 10 when the off licences close here, so I would say that is a successful day. Taking the judgement side out of it, what I'm really trying to do is disable a bad habit. And it's hard when you use something as a crutch, which I've been doing for such a long time now. It really is that one day at a time thing.

I'm down another body fat percentage - 44.9% this morning - great news! The BF is really the key thing to get down. Still a long way to go, but that cheered me up a bit this morning.

I'm still smoking a lot, but I figure the alcohol at home is the first habit to try to tackle. Trying to do everything at once has not worked in the past - no reason to think it will work now. I'm like a huge ball of wool that has got tangled up - you can't untangle it by just ripping the thing apart. No, slowly but surely is the way I have to go to get out of this addiction/crutch cycle.

God, I feel like I've been talking about the same thing on here for years. I do think my baseline state is better now. The lows aren't as low. I am more content in general.

Weather is still fantastic here - muggy in the office, but lovely once you're out of it. I have another busy day ahead tomorrow, then playing tennis at 7, which I am looking forward to, and then it's Friday and I'm meeting friends and having a few drinks. Recovery/rest on Saturday and potentially a clean-up of my room, and Sunday is tennis and a drama meetup. I have a few days off next week also, so life is good right now. Summer is here.
 
Emilyrose said:
I really had to white knuckle my way through the evening to not buy wine. I managed it, but it was tough.
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You did very well, Em. Could you slip in some alcohol free beers on Friday as well? Are your bars introducing more alcohol free drinks these days?
I think your baseline is better too 😊
 
Haha, thank you, Cate. Yeah, 0% alcohol is becoming a thing over here - there are fridges of the stuff available in most of the big supermarkets. Mixing the two is just not possible for me, and my stomach did not react well today to the two 'free' beers and food I had yesterday. Still, better than being tired all day.

My mum has developed a rash all over her body and a stoop with all the drugs she's on. It's really sad to see. Mentally, she is a lot better, but the tablets are putting a strain on her system, which is getting her down. I don't really 'agree' with anti-depressants, even though essentially that's what drugs and alcohol are to a certain extent. But I guess I choose how much or how little of those to consume myself. I feel that my mother just isn't strong enough to really deal with the bad thoughts, and as a result, she needs them. I mean, she is not a smoker, she rarely drinks, and she was tipping along fine for many, many years. But now... now, I don't know what the best course of action is for her. Does she just sit back and let her body disintegrate around her, while she keeps her mind placated by a heavy dose of pills?

I don't like Western medicine when it comes to mental health and well-being. I think it's all about keeping people functional vs. actually getting them well. I don't really believe in therapy either. What's the point in constantly digging through and unearthing trauma after trauma? I can just read a newspaper if I want to do that. Does bringing all of these past hurts and horrible experiences out in the open really help to heal people? I absolutely understand the need to have a drink with a friend and vent about your horrible day, but, to me, that's where it should end. Having a paid professional there means that it never ends. You just keep unearthing the same miserable crap over and over, and where does it really get you?

I've seen it with people I know - they meet someone that they fall madly in love with, or find a new passion project, and suddenly, their whole demeanor changes. They are still the same person you once knew, but they have this little spring in their step, this fire in their belly. Does this come from therapy? Not to my knowledge. I think it comes from talking those first few tentative steps into the unknown; following that little voice that's whispering, 'Why don't your try that? Why don't you switch career? Why don't you move country? Why don't you...etc, etc.'

All too often, we ignore the little voice. 'Silence, you! You know nothing! I have to immerse myself in the story of my life so far forever and forever.'

Nonsense, I say! The new chapter can begin right now.
 
Hi Em! So sorry your mom is having side effects from the antidepressants. I don't know much about them, but the people I have known who tried them have said that can take a lot of trial and error to find ones where the side effects are bearable. There are hundreds of forms of therapy, so I don't have the same vision of what therapy constitutes as you do, but I have had bad therapists who are largely like you are describing, and I get what you mean.

I agree with Cate that you may be facing similar hurdles in your life to what you faced previously, but you do seem to do so with more tools under your belt and more grace and humor, too!
 
Thanks Marsia. I'm a bit fed up of the struggle today, I have to say.

I feel very lonely today. I met my friend yesterday and he was saying he can't believe I don't have a husband or boyfriend and that I am a 'real catch'. :( What a sweet thing to say - of course, the way my brain works, that's made me feel even worse about the whole situation. What's wrong with me? Why am I so bad at this one area of my life? And it's probably the most important one!

I played a game of tennis against a woman around the same age as me at the weekend and I won every game, but afterwards I was kind of thinking that I needed that win a lot more than she did, as she was rushing off home to her lovely husband and kids and relations that were staying with them. I just kind of had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. (I was still happy with the win though, I'm not bad yet, haha!)

So yeah. Lonely times. Have I missed the boat? I'd like to think not but there is always that fear that I've squandered all the opportunities I'm going to get. I've been so stupid in my youth - always holding myself back, waiting for... I don't know what. And now, I'm 36. It's hard to wrap my head around that.

And don't get me wrong, I know that I am so lucky to have such a lovely family and loads of talents and good looks and all this great stuff that make life so much easier. I got a text message today that the father of one of the tennis ladies died yesterday, and I just felt so thankful that my wonderful dad is still here with me, and is in great health. But, doing this whole thing more or less alone is proving too hard for me. I'm really crying now, which maybe I need to do. Let the floodgates open.

I just wish the path ahead becomes clear for me, and some amazing man comes along that makes me laugh and who will keep me company for the next part of my life. I really hope that's not too much to ask.
 
You are not too old to find someone who is right for you, Em. No man is perfect as there is no such thing. Be open to the universe. That sounds so woo woo I know. Just be aware of the possibilities. Luck comes into it.
 
Hi Em, sorry you are feeling blue about finding a partner. It took me until age 39 to find J. I agree with Cate that no man is perfect, and by luck and openness you can eventually find someone who intrigues you and whose faults you can live with and who also sees you for you, faults and all. My other 2 major relationships either my faults were too much for them or theirs too much for me. It took me a long time to adjust to this relationship, too. J and I are opposites in a lot of ways, and we finally got so we can learn from each other. I think if you don't luck out with a high school sweetheart or something it can take a long time to find someone mature enough to work out your differences with. Please don't be hard on yourself about it. Many many people struggle with this, including me!

My mom would tell me when I got lonely how at one point in her live when she was living in a big city and got lonely that she would walk around pretending that she was in love, and it worked! She felt immediately better and saw the world through new eyes. I hope you give it a try - it did help me when I have tried this.

Anyway, congratulations on your tennis win! And please, please don't compare yourself to others or base your self worth on your dating status!!!
 
- Thanks Cate, I am keeping my eyes peeled for opportunities.
- Thanks for sharing that Marsia, it gives me hope!

Well, even though I was pretty exhausted all day from a very late night last night (including tiny kiss with old man), I actually had a great day. I had a tennis lesson today and I was in the middle of it and I realised how fucking happy I was and how much I was enjoying myself. It was a real 'Eureka' moment. Like, I haven't felt true joy like that or excitement or whatever it was in a long fucking time. I was just so in the moment, it was great. So that was nice, and kind of got me over the hangover.

Maybe it was also the coach that helped with my enjoyment of it, because he was cute and positive and I actually quite fancy him, even though he's not really my type at all. Personality really can add 25% on to your looks. Anyway, not sure of his status and he's about 10 years older than me, so not going to get too carried away with this, but it was a really good lesson and I had a ball.

The fun afternoon encouraged me to go home and visit my parents, which was super-nice. I had dinner with them and then we all sat on the couch and watched Andy Murray play in Wimbledon. It was great, even though Dad was trying not to doze off the whole time, haha. My mum is being referred to an orthopaedic surgeon by her doctor because of the stoop, which is a relief for me. I really want her to get it sorted out before she does permanent damage.

So that was that, and then I had a game of mixed doubles this evening and I am finally home. I am really tempted to drive to McDonald's now and get some food, because obviously, when your body is depleted of minerals, you have this constant hunger that cannot be quenched. I think, ultimately though, I am too tired to go anywhere. I would love a McFlurry. And chips. And maybe a cheeseburger. Nom nom nom. Find out tomorrow what decision I made! Hahaha.
 
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Sounds like tennis is becoming even more appealing & enjoyable. I'll be interested to hear some more about this tennis coach :D
 
So good to hear you are really enjoying life! And great your mom is taking care of her health! I love days where I eat and breathe things I am really into. The day I had in Savannah surrounded in art was like that for me. I agree with Cate about tennis - something social, interesting strategy-wise, nice interest to share with your dad, and great exercise! Love that you are getting immersed in something so good for you all around! And it doesn't hurt having a cute coach either!
 
- Haha, thanks Cate. I've definitely gotten carried away but he was waving madly at me in the car when we were leaving. Lol.
- Yeah, it's really been a life-saver, Marsia.

Today I went to a local tournament to watch a few matches that went on really late, so it's past midnight now and I'm only just home. Eeeeek! I am feeling a bit overtired and my mind is gone into overdrive, which is really annoying, because I really need a good sleep tonight. I might put on a meditation video on youtube or something to try to calm my nervous system down. I really need to start practicing my yoga again. I did go to a class on Sunday, which was good, and encouraging because I wasn't too bad. I'm fairly strong, but I'm just a bit stiff again.

I'm kind of here to try to empty my mind out a bit before bed. I'm off tomorrow again - how exciting - so playing tennis in the morning, meeting a friend for a coffee, then meeting more friends in the evening. So a busy day planned. I might try to buy a new dress as well, not sure. I have a lot of dresses already, just not a lot that really fit me right now.

At the same time, I'm feeling better about my body lately. My fitness levels are pretty good. I have a lot of muscle built up and my overall shape isn't too bad. I would just love to be lighter and trimmer. But, it's not really holding me back from doing anything at the same time. So that's great.

Not much else to discuss really. The new guy that was annoying me has relaxed and is a lot easier to be around, and I'm starting to warm to him. I'm glad that he's happier and after finding his feet a bit. I must learn to be more patient with people.

I'm still feeling a bit low on energy levels, but I should be able to recuperate now with the day off tomorrow and a relaxing enough Saturday and Sunday planned. I hate this feeling of tiredness and slight burnout. I just think I'm on the go a bit too much. I'm enjoying it though.
 
Hope you are having a lovely time meeting up with friends! I am in a similar boat of getting fitter but not there to the point where my old clothes fit well yet. I did go buy some things that will look good baggy, too - beach-y tops and pants. Glad the new guy is less freaked out and easier to get along with. I had to manage new employees once and it was so hard. Some viewed work as this minimal thing where you sort of try to look busy, and others had never worked before and did everything glacially slowly. It was hard having patience with either type of person.

Do you think you need more fresh fruit and veggies for increased energy or is it more that you have been burning the candle at both ends type of thing? I need to switch from carbs to way more fresh veggies. I got lazy and don't feel like cooking, but it's affecting my weight loss, so time to get the kitchen in order and make a lot more mostly veggie dishes for us. Yoga and meditation sound wonderful and I am going to do both this morning! Happy weekend!!
 
Thanks Marsia. I had a great time catching up with everyone, it was great.

Apparently, the cute coach guy might be single! I asked my friend, who has all the intel on everyone. We had a good chat about all the men in the club earlier, it was fun, haha.

I have to go to a friend’s now to pick up a cardigan they have of mine, so hopefully they invite me in for tea. I am going on a real health kick this week to try to get my fitness levels up. I did yoga for an hour today and played some tennis, so all good so far.

My main goal is to stay away from the wine. If I can do that, everything else will be easier.
 
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