Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
I just kept saying to myself, 'Do you want to feel like a bag of shit tomorrow?' And I decided that no, I did not want to feel like a bag of shit tomorrow.
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Congrats! That is no small accomplishment girl. I know, many a night I thought the same about bingeing but then went ahead with the binge. My binges often involved alcohol, but not always, the food was what mattered most. Getting past that was great!

Do you think you are an alcoholic? Do you need to give up alcohol all together? No shame in that a lot of people are.

Keep up the good work, and the tennis its good for you.

Tomorrow try thinking of this one:
 
Great work on the tennis! And on not drinking as well; you can do this.
 
You'll beat the urge to drink wine. Just hang on until it's for a social event, for me, I always find the best tasting beer is one I haven't had for a while and with friends. Easier said than done with COVID, but hopefully not too much longer.

Good job on the tennis match, it must feel good to get results.
 
- Hi Cate. Yes, I sing, I love music. I had dreams of being on the West End at some point, but that was an alternate life. I like to think this is the one that counts.
- Oh God, that's a terrifying question Rob. I've mulled over it all day. I think I'll leave it unanswered, as labelling myself as one thing or another is not helpful. Thanks for the James Brown suggestion - not there yet! But I will post it myself when I am feeling it!!
- Thank you LaMa. I always appreciate you reading my stuff. I think you are a lovely, thoughtful person.
- Hi Lingwo. Absolutely, so happy with the tennis, more below. As for the wine - not sure. More about that below too.

So, Ireland is entering into a 6-week strict lockdown from Thursday. It's pretty brutal - everything shut down again, no tennis, probably working from home, not allowed more than 5k from your home. I'm sick of it all. I actually had a big fight with my friend in work this morning because she was going to suggest in our team meeting that we wear masks in the office and it nearly tipped me over the edge. I think we're okay again. I am very narky right now.

I did get one last tennis game in this evening, even though it rained all day today, and it looked so doubtful. She's a really nice woman that I played against - she's really got the tennis bug and wants to improve. I've gone from beating her with a lot of effort to toning down my game so I don't depress her, which is terrible. But I also have been so focused on this, it's incredible. And I really do think if you put a huge amount of energy into something, you will see the returns.

Anyway, I know I talk about tennis a lot here, but I think tennis explains a lot about the way my mind works. I made this rule that I would play tennis 4 times a week no matter what. And, the majority of the weeks, it's happened. The only cancellations I've made have been because of rain. And I've ended up playing 5 times a week the odd time that makes up a perfect average of 4.

Anyway, I was telling the woman I was playing with earlier that I have to make these rules for myself, otherwise I'll just give up and the whole thing will be abandoned. It was very honest from me. I generally don't tell people how hard I find it to do anything really. But, it made me realise that if I want to keep the wine under control, I need some new rules for that, and I have to stick to them the way I stick to the tennis stuff.

Also thinking about moving home for some of the 6 week restrictions. I think it's too difficult by myself. I hate being dependent on them at 34, but I also think it could be a good thing.
 
Hi, Em. Moving back home for some of the 6 weeks sounds like a smart plan to me. Loving your parents should not feel shameful. It doesn't matter how old you are when things get tough it's nice to have that backup.
 
Emilyrose said:
Also thinking about moving home for some of the 6 week restrictions. I think it's too difficult by myself. I hate being dependent on them at 34, but I also think it could be a good thing.
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It is nice to have that backup and its even better if you can be there to support them too - I bet they'll be having a lot of the same frustrations reentering lock down...
 
Em something stood out to me about your thoughts and emotions that it’s not the pandemic causing them and you acknowledge that . Well done . Identify the cause and treat . Sorry started typing this yesterday morning it must not have posted .
I think you should go back to your mum and dad for the few weeks . Be good for you and them .
 
Emilyrose said:
I have to make these rules for myself, otherwise I'll just give up and the whole thing will be abandoned. It was very honest from me. I generally don't tell people how hard I find it to do anything really. But, it made me realise that if I want to keep the wine under control, I need some new rules for that, and I have to stick to them the way I stick to the tennis stuff.
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Very insightful observation. I don't really know you well, but I do suspect your struggling with things has benefited you, more than you may realize. I gave up on trying not to binge for a long time and gained a whole lot more weight than you have, I think you may have kept yourself from doing that. I think you are in a better place than you sometimes appreciate.
Emilyrose said:
Oh God, that's a terrifying question Rob. I've mulled over it all day.
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No need to let it scare you, lots of people are, and lots are not. No shame if you are, no surprise if you are not. You will figure it out. Thinking about it however is good, I believe anyway.

Your move home may be a good idea, and it is not dependence, you don't have to, it would be a choice.
 
Emilyrose said:
I generally don't tell people how hard I find it to do anything really. But, it made me realise that if I want to keep the wine under control, I need some new rules for that, and I have to stick to them the way I stick to the tennis stuff.
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If you can do it, that would be awesome! Do your parents drink alcohol? If not that would probably make it easier to begin with. I agree with the others that moving home for a couple of weeks might not be a bad thing at a time when the people you live with are the people you socialize with. Pretty sure you like your parents more than your housemates and they´ll be happy not to have to do without you for 6 weeks. I will admit I´d be in two minds about it though; as much as I love my parents we do get on each other´s nerves when we spend too much time together. At the same time: my parents have a big garden, so 6 weeks of quarantine at their place would be MUCH easier than in my apartment.
:grouphug: It´s going to suck not having tennis for 6 weeks but you made so much progress and with a bit of luck it´s just going to rain the whole time anyway.
 
- Thanks Cate. I'm rethinking the move back home. It's still an option in a couple of weeks anyway if I change my mind.
- Thanks Err. They will miss golf bigtime but they are pretty good to keep themselves entertained. I guess I'd brighten things up for them slightly, but they don't depend on me for that either (thank God!).
- Hi Petal. Yes, it is good that I have identified that. In some ways, I don't mind the 'time out' if I use that time productively. I squandered the last one.
- Thanks for your kind words Rob. I do not like being so close to 200 pounds, let me tell you! But I do try not to spiral completely out of control.
- Haha, thanks LaMa. Yes, I think 6 weeks is too long. If I am getting too lonely here, I will sneak home halfway through. I am just a bit more inhibited at home, that's what is putting me off.

I won't spout on for too long this evening, I'm a bit tired. I went for a wax after work, so I will have nice smooth legs for lockdown. Only I will get to enjoy them sadly. The girl who did the waxing was so chatty, she was great. She was very skillful as well, very little discomfort during it.

To celebrate afterwards, I went for a swim. I had planned 20 laps, cos I was feeling low on energy, but then I was enjoying it so much and recognised that I'll be without it for 6 weeks, so I ended up doing the full 40 laps, which is my usual goal when I go swimming in this particular pool. I have one last session booked in for tomorrow, then that's it.

I met the grumpier housemate this evening, she was really distressed about the lockdown. She was just giving out that it's a disgrace that grown adults aren't allowed to exercise. She said there's a complete lack of personal responsibility being entrusted to people. I kind of agree with her. I think they should have some sporting options available. I think the hairdressers should still be open.

I honestly think it could take 5 years for this vaccine to be widely available. That's still half the standard amount of time it usually takes to develop a vaccine. I don't think we can survive lockdown after lockdown after lockdown. What's the point of living if you have very little quality of life? Do we have the balance right when it comes to tackling the virus versus giving people some sense of job security and hope for the future? The way I see it, no, we don't.
 
I hope it doesn't take 5 years! I hope there are enough doses to vaccinate the elderly and vulnerable. Once those people are helped, I think the rest of us can go about and live our lives. Hopefully the lockdowns soon subside for you!

I need to start swimming more. What is one lap, is it one way or up and back?
 
Waxing always seems to me to be a funny word for it, I kind of image a bright shine on your legs, like a newly waxed car! Probably not the look you had in mind. If it feels better to you then do it, smooth legs are good.

I am sure a vaccine will take a while and I am not sure how effective it will be. But I hope it is fast and effective. Nobody talks much about it but what you believe on the vaccine should influence lock downs and social distancing policy. If you believe there will soon be an effective vaccine then tight restrictions until it is available make a lot of sense. The few people who ultimately get the virus the better, it will save lives and a lot of sickness. On the other hand if you don't believe an effective vaccine is coming then it may be best to let the virus run its course to herd immunity, with individuals making their own decisions about how much protection and exposure they are willing to accept. It seems to me that without expressly saying it the US is taking the latter approach while you in Ireland, and a lot of Europe the opposite. What we lack is a reasoned science based discussion of the issue at and sadly I think our US administration is much to blame for that.
 
I change my mind regularly on the virus . Apart of me just wants to get on with it now . Wear the mask and keep doing what I’m doing . I don’t particularly feel unsafe . then I recognise we need to protect the vulnerable . A lady in work has been tested as one of her household has it . It didn’t spread to the rest of the family funnily . Weird virus
 
Lingwo said:
...What is one lap, is it one way or up and back?
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i wondered about this a few years ago when i first started swimming at the Y. apparently most swimmers refer to the pool as "lengths" meaning from one end to the other. the "lap" is sometimes used in training when the pool is half the Olympic 50m length. a lap (up and back) in a 25m pool would be the same as a length in a 50m pool. of course, if you ask two more swimmers, you'll probably get two other answers.

alligatorob said:
Waxing always seems to me to be a funny word for it, ...
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another smile... a "waxing" moon is when the crescent is actually growing... getting larger.
...go figure.

Petal001 said:
... Weird virus.
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this is my biggest concern. science does not know everything about the coronavirus. this seems to flummox some people. many people are used to science in terms of "rocket science". with rockets you design, test, redesign, test, fine tune, test... test some more... and then if it is a rocket that carries an astronaut, you test even more. perhaps years after the initial idea, a reliable rocket will be sitting on the pad ready to go.

the science of epidemiology is completely different. what was thought to be true today... a calculated best guess to save lives... may not be true tomorrow. this has not really been explained very well to the public and frankly the U.S. has one of the worst leaders in that respect. rather than keeping pace with the science, fault is being placed on the changing or modifying of recommended practices.
 
i'm sure there was more to this than i briefly read here, but just a short note about my dealing with alcoholics, of which i've know a few. there is no "one size fits all" alcoholic. i have gone nearly seven months now without a drink, yet i have a friend who has called me an alcoholic. i can't say i don't like the taste of some flavorful beers and on a good day i could still probably drink 3-4 liters. i don't do that very often and i never drink to cure a problem or because i'm depressed, only to celebrate ... ok, sometimes it's only the sunset.

i can give you my idea of a "10" alcoholic (on that 1 to 10 scale everyone knows about)... she (yes, she) would not be able to function any day without a drink. she hid alcohol in bottles that weren't labeled alcohol... i discovered Jagermeister in a shampoo bottle one time. she hardly ever seemed drunk. when we agreed to meet somewhere, at least 50% of the time i wasn't surprised that she never showed up or at times didn't even remember we were going to meet. i never saw her sink not full of dirty dishes. she was rather thin, but ate almost exclusively at fast food places. her family i knew (two brothers) seemed to know about it, usually laughed it off, but rarely included her in family events.

if i had to give myself a number... maybe a 2.
 
- Hi Lingwo. I hope you are right, I should try to be more positive about it. I count a lap as one side of the pool to the other. It was 40 laps in a 25 m pool, so 1,000 metres. Or 20 lengths. :)
- The waxing does add a nice sheen to the legs Rob, haha. I think if Trump loses in November, it will be a good thing, coronavirus or not. It would certainly put a smile on my face. At least I'd feel there was some hope for the planet again.
- I understand the 'getting on with it' part Petal. That was sort of my mood today. I might not feel the same in another 6 weeks!!
- Thanks for dropping by Flyer. I'd probably give myself an 8. That's pretty grim.

So, we are about to embark on another lockdown. Interestingly enough, it's 40 days and nights, the same amount of time that Jesus spent fasting in the desert, or so the story goes. I'm going to start a new feature called 'The Lockdown Diaries' to keep myself entertained if nothing else.

I'm back to working from home for the majority of time, which is unbelievably shit, and what will make this really hard for me. Tennis still not ruled out!! That will be my lifeline, I am praying they pull off some kind of miracle like with the loaves and the fishes and I get to keep playing. Please!!! I need this Jesus!

I'm trying to do the opposite of what I did during the last lockdown and not drink for the whole time. I'm having my last bottle of wine tonight. Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend. You have been the one for me. Going to throw the cigarettes in the dirt with it. If I achieve this, it will be a hugely successful lockdown for me. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think of getting cans... Let's see.

We got a bit of uptake for our drama play reading next week, so I hope that goes ahead. The bank holiday weekend is looking grim.

Super busy in work, have loads to keep me going, which is good I guess. I am in tomorrow, but last day for a while.

Everyone is super-allergic to lockdown this time. It really feels like a hopeless time. I did have a nice enough day in the office today, the new girl is fantastic and they are keeping her on, which is a great sign in terms of job security and also cos she is a lovely addition to the team. I will miss the banter and cameraderie. I will probably watch a lot of Netflix in the coming weeks. All will be revealed in the first installment of 'The Lockdown Diaries'... coming to a forum near you tomorrow night!
 
I have lived with 2 alcoholics . Both completely different and couldnt even be compared . Em from what I read of you here I wouldn’t put you anywhere near an 8.

excited for your lockdown diary you are an amazing writer. I got the hair cut this eve . There was a huge amount of people in salon getting hair cut . Never saw the likes of it in all my life . Can’t help thinking hairdressers and beauty salons not causing our surge and nor is playing tennis . But hey our rules are here now so let’s see where it takes us .
 
I'm looking forward to The Lockdown Diaries, Em, although I am sad that Ireland is needing to again. Our hard lockdown earlier in the year & closing our borders, seemed to do the trick (touch wood). I haven't had any wine since Monday & am going to start making myself a delicious cocktail at the end of the day instead. Perhaps we can come up with some ideas between us. I feel the need to put my feet up & enjoy a nice drink at the end of the day & it doesn't have to be alcoholic for it to be delicious. It's just a habit. We can do it.
 
- I'd say there were a lot of places open till midnight last night Petal! Delighted for you that you fit it in.
- I'm starting to believe that I can Cate. I always knew you could. ;)
- Thanks LaMa!!

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 1- 12 Hours Out of the House

Lockdown Goal #1: No cigarettes or alcohol. Goal achieved. 1/40.

3 Good Things:
1. I went for a walk at lunchtime and after work.
2. I had some laughs with my colleagues today over Skype.
3. We had another person sign up for the play reading next week.

Thoughts on Day 1:
So, I had a very successful day in terms of not actually being locked down. As the title suggests, I was out of the house for 12 hours today. Now that's what I call telling Lockdown who's boss!! :p To be fair, it just happened that way. I had such a busy day in work, literally got a 20 minute breather to go for a walk in the middle of the day, and was pretty much flat out all day. It was okay though, I kind of enjoyed myself.

Then I decided to avoid home for a little while longer and I went for a 50 minute walk on a local greenway route on the way home from work. I really enjoyed that. It's something I only do during lockdown really. It was nice looking at all the different people walking, running and cycling past me without masks on. It was nice to see faces again. I hate the masks.

Then I got hungry and got a burger and chips. With garlic and cheese on top. And a can of coke. Whoops. To be fair, I only care about not smoking and drinking for this first week. My weight goal is just to stay the same at worst. I'm going to try to get a long walk in every day but I'm not setting 'rules' around anything other than the smoking and drinking.

I was thinking today that giving up smoking is like getting onto a boat. It starts to get a little choppy (like, earlier when I had a craving and thought about not smoking for 40 days, I felt physically unsteady) and you look back and the shore you just left is so close by, where you can be safe again. So you turn back. But the problem is that you got on that boat in the first place for a reason - you wanted to go somewhere else! So, you convince yourself to try again. You get on, you think, 'Wow, this is fine. What was I so worried about?' But you're not paying attention and you hit a rock, and suddenly water is filling up your little boat, and you have to start bailing out the water furiously. And you realise that you won't make it and you need to go back to shore again. Then you try a third time. Again, it starts out calm and serene. Then the water gets choppier and suddenly there are these huge waves lapping against the side of your boat. You are frightened. You are vulnerable. It's just you out there with the wind and the rain and the waves. You look back. There's still time to turn around. But you decide that this time, you're going to press forward, and see what you find on the other side.
 
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