Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thanks Cate. Today was better.
- I'm so bad with money Lingwo, thanks for the tip. I really should look into it.
- Hi LaMa. No house schedule, but I read an interesting post today about 'The Right To Take Up Space' so maybe I just need to do that a bit more.
- I just think that's her personality Petal. We're all renting, so there's no one with the 'power' really. I actually went onto Daft earlier and saw a beautiful apartment for sale that I could probably afford in about 3 years if I start saving today! I don't know what I want really.
- Yeah, family is better Rob, but I want independence too. Covid just makes it a little bit trickier right now, as my social circle has dwindled considerably.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 5 - Things Improve

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 5/40

3 Good Things:
1. I went for a really lovely walk this morning. It was invigorating.
2. I had a great meeting tonight with the drama group. It was a complete switch off from all things Covid for 3 hours, which was fantastic. I think everyone really enjoyed it.
3. I had a bottle of Shloer instead of a bottle of wine. Progress.

Thoughts on Day 5:
I am really, really tired right now, so I won't say too much. Today was a lot better. I was delighted with the Zoom drama meetup. Lots of amazing things around the corner if I can just get through this dull period. I read a good article in the paper today, and the lady's advice was to put the focus on surviving for now, not thriving. I think that's a fair enough approach. I just feel like life is passing me by at the moment. :(

I did smoke today, but I destroyed the rest of the cigarettes in the packet and will start again tomorrow. Dreading work tomorrow but I'll be kept going for the day, so hopefully it will be fine. I realise how anxious I am about work all the time, it's such a drain on the battery, and it's so pointless. I feel like a lot of people do stress about their jobs - it's something I really want to eliminate from my thought processes.

Yesterday was disappointing. I'm trying to figure out what I will do the next time I feel like that. I don't want to keep running back to the same behaviours over and over again. I really am ready to get on board that boat to pastures new.
 
Sounds like a better day, Em. The drama zoom meetup is a good escape. The arts have really suffered with covid & I think they are essential. They were not supported by our conservative government who continues to downgrade the arts & anything intellectual.
 
Emilyrose said:
Dreading work tomorrow but I'll be kept going for the day, so hopefully it will be fine. I realise how anxious I am about work all the time, it's such a drain on the battery, and it's so pointless.
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Me too but got through it . Think employers expect the sun moon and stars from us Em .

Hope your day was good in the end
 
- Yeah, live theatre is a problem Cate because even the people on stage aren't allowed to meet up right now. Social distancing doesn't really make sense for most plays!
- Yes, it was really lovely LaMa. We had a nice discussion about Irish theatre and history and superstitions (Irish people are extremely superstitious in general).
- Hi Petal. I pushed back today, well, me and Work Colleague did, so it's not as bad as it was looking to be. Still a really heavy workload to get through tomorrow.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 6 - The Beautiful Castle

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 6/40

3 Good Things:
1. I read another play this evening and did some admin stuff for the drama group.
2. I burnt the 500 calories through exercise, and had a beautiful walk tonight with the moon bright in the sky reflected on the water with the castle lit up in the background. Stunning.
3. One of the girls from work asked me to meet up with her some evening for a walk, which was really sweet.

Thoughts on Day 6:
I've sunk back into my pit and bought wine again this evening. It often happens when I resist it on an evening I would normally have it - like last night, during the play reading. So a part of me feels like it has missed out and wants to 'make up for it'. I also woke up today feeling so exhausted - loads of adrenaline burned doing the reading last night, it was sort of like going on stage in a way. Also, I would not recommend drinking a whole bottle of Shloer - not as detrimental as wine, but all that sugar is not good either. So I just leaned into the bad feeling, and kept it going.

I read a fantastic play tonight - ''Hedda Gabler'' by Ibsen, so brilliant. I relate to Hedda way too much. I'd highly recommend it if you like plays.

Not much more to say. Have such a busy day ahead tomorrow, the wine tonight won't help, but I'll just have to power through. I really hate working from home. I've been out of the house for probably 2 hours today - the majority of the rest spent in my room by myself. It's so unhealthy. I constantly feel like I could be doing more with my life. The drama meeting last night lit a bit of fire under me today. This is really what I want to do. I'm good at it. I think the job I have right now is dynamic and very sociable and suited to me, but if I could choose, I would do acting and theatre full time, and write during the breaks. That's really the vision for my life I've always had. And it's not an easy path, but it's what I want, if I'm being completely honest. I believe I'm talented and I believe I'm good enough. There. I said it. :p
 
I think it's wonderful that you have that vision. Anyone with real talent must know that they have it to be able to succeed. It's good to dream, but also do more things that you love & that stir that passion. Who knows what your future might bring, Em :)
 
Good that you recognize your passion! Maybe you can spend some of your lockdown time to identify next steps on making it a reality for you.
 
- Thanks Cate. That was probably the wine talking!
- Thanks LaMa.
- Thanks Lingwo. Losing weight would help!

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 7 - Hanging In There

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 7/40

3 Good Things:
1. I helped my mum with a tech issue earlier.
2. Against all the odds, I got my walks in today.
3. I got paid.

Thoughts on Day 7:
I am struggling. Today was extremely difficult. I felt so, so angry at lunchtime, I got into my car and just BANGED the door, I was furious.

Things kind of improved after lunch, I just really don't know what to do when I feel that anger bubbling up. I have no outlet for it right now. I am finding lockdown very tough. I have really benefited from a 'time out' at various stages of my life, but I am just really raw and vulnerable at the moment. I want distractions, I don't want rumination and wondering if I'm on the right path, or if I'm on any path at all to be honest.

I did take some of my annoyance out on a colleague this morning, so her response was to send an email I'd sent to her to say I would work on something last week to everyone in the team, as I have still not completed the task. That did not help. Also, I find it really hard to focus when I'm at home. I just hate working in my room. Time just disappeared on me today, and I wasn't scrolling through the Daily Mail or anything like that. I just work better when I'm being watched. Maybe that's the only reason I do anything at all, hahaha. But yeah.

It was a very difficult day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a lot better. And then it's Friday.
 
Em I applaud you still doing your exercise . Sorry your wrk made you angry yesterday. Let's hope for a better one today and yay tomorrow it's Friday .
 
Sorry to hear you're struggling. Any kind of exercise that'd really let you put every ounce of strength and endurance into it? Running uphill or something?
 
- Thanks Petal. I'm sorry too! Haha.
- I don't think I'm able for uphill running at the moment LaMa, but I did go for a run today. More below.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 8 - And It Rained All Day

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 8/40
Lockdown Goal #2: Go for a run every day 1/33

3 Good Things:
1. I had a nice chat with one of my colleagues today over Skype. We used to be a lot closer but she kind of made friends with my enemy in the office, so it wasn't the same. Anyway, it was nice to connect with her again.
2. I did a 3k run today and found it relatively easy! It's motivated me to add a run a day as my lockdown goal for week 2. I find a run clears my head a lot better than a walk does. The last run I did was 10 weeks ago (seriously! where does the time go?) and my time today was better. :)
3. I've got one week of this shit behind me.

Thoughts on Day 8:
Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat. Eat, Sleep, Work, Repeat.

That's what it feels like my life is now. It is not sustainable. I need stimulation. If I am forced to work from home more than 2 days a week or if we keep moving in and out of lockdowns all next year, I think I'm going to have to quit my job. It's killing me.

That's all I really wanted to say today. It's been bucketing down all day, but I went for my run at lunchtime and did a 40 minute walk after work in the wind and rain and darkness. It was actually fine, I just don't feel that safe at nighttime. But the government decided to close the tennis court and pool on me, so I'll just have to risk it.
 
Well done on that run! I just got back from mine as well but I'm sure you were faster with your tennis-steeled legs :) I'm very lucky to live in such a safe city, I guess; I never think twice about walking/running in the dark.
 
Mental stimulation is good. If you decide to leave your job, any thoughts on whats next? I would love to have an EU passport - I would totally job hop all over Europe.
 
Oh, Em. I don't like the sound of you running at night on your own, especially after saying you don't feel safe.
 
- Tennis-steeled legs, lol! Thanks LaMa.
- Hi Lingwo. I applied for a job in Sweden a couple of years ago, got to the interview stage, and didn't get it. I started the job I'm currently in around that time. It's definitely my next move I think - somewhere abroad. Unless I meet the love of my life here or another opportunity comes knocking.
- It's actually safe enough Cate, it's just a bit dark. I wouldn't do it if I genuinely felt like something would happen.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 9 - Some Sort of a Friday Feeling

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 9/40
Lockdown Goal #2: Go for a run every day 2/33

3 Good Things:
1. I went for a walk with one of my colleagues after work. It was great to meet up with a friendly face for an hour and have a chat. She texted me after to say we should go every week, which would be lovely. All these little things will help to keep me sane. Amazing what I've started to appreciate.
2. Another friend that has been missing in action for a bit signed up for the next drama night after I encouraged him to, which is great.
3. It actually was a fairly enjoyable day 'in work'.

Thoughts on Day 9:
Not much more to add really. I had an amazing sleep last night, slept for 9 and a half hours. The difference in my mood today was remarkable. The wine is messing with my head and really making me blue. I still think I would have periods of intense rage and sadness, but the tiredness is a huge part of the reason why I'm so fed up. So, I'm having my 'last hurrah' of thousands of 'last hurrahs' I've already had, indulging in wine again, but I get to sleep it off tomorrow. And November, November will be when I try to knock the drinking on the head again. It's 30 days, it's the perfect amount of time.

That's all really. No plans for the weekend. I have stuff I could do. My room badly needs sorting out. That's at least 3 hours taken up. I am back into the running zone, so I'll definitely go for a run at least. I feel like there's other niggly jobs in the back of my head that I've been avoiding doing and could get to this weekend. Nothing's coming to mind, so off the hook for another bit. ;)
 
The walk after work with your colleague sounds good, Em. I think we have to try to enjoy the little things in life & we have taken most of them for granted before. 9 & a half hours sleep? Bliss!
 
Sounds like you're a woman with a plan. I messed up right royally yesterday - again - so I may need to join you.
 
- Yeah, I felt really good after that amount of sleep Cate. The walk was nice too.
- Hey, I messed up again today too LaMa, but we're starting this tomorrow, right?
- Yeah, I need to do this Petal. I need to start taking care of myself better.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 10 - Relaxing Day

Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 10/40
Lockdown Goal #2: Go for a run every day 3/33

3 Good Things:
1. I went for a walk at about 4pm this evening, and there were a few adults (in their 50s) walking the dog dressed in full Halloween garb. It really put a smile on my face. The walk I did today was actually fabulous, just in a really nice part of town that I haven't walked in a while.
2. I had a pleasant afternoon before that just reading the newspaper, which I haven't done in ages.
3. I really enjoyed my breakfast this morning. Scrambled eggs, 2 slices of toast with butter and one with some cheddar cheese, a small glass of orange juice and an instant coffee with milk. It was just so tasty.

Thoughts on Day 10:
Very quiet day today. I haven't really spoken to anyone all day. That's fine. I'm giving myself a rest.

I did enjoy reading the paper earlier, but there were some very unsettling articles about what will happen if Trump wins again, or if he loses and decides to contest it. It got me a bit frightened, to be honest. Behind all the theatrics and nonsense, there is some really sinister stuff happening in the US right now. They were also saying that if Trump gets a second term, that will likely lead to a hard Brexit with Bojo aligned with Trump, which is a nightmare for Ireland. So I really hope that Biden wins.

I'm watching Secrets of the Saqqara Tomb now on Netflix. I really love Egyptian history, it's just so fascinating what they achieved.

Sober November begins tomorrow. I've been smoking less and less recently, so I think with a steely mindset, I can do this.
 
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