Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
But you decide that this time, you're going to press forward, and see what you find on the other side.
Click to expand...
Hope it goes that way for you! I have never smoked cigarettes, lucky I never started. I do have a cigar now and then, but not regularly. So I have only my binge compulsion to compare your experience to, and I can see some similarities. Your analogy is one I can relate to.

A 50% lockdown! 12 hours in and 12 out of the house. Hope it goes well for you, and keep posting I think it's good for you, and I always enjoy reading them.
 
Your lockdown diary, day 1 was so descriptive you succeeded in having me feel a little bit seasick. Even so, I'm coming along for the ride :)
 
Maybe finding new poetic ways of describing the nicotine cravings can distract you enough to help fight them off :)
 
Em honestly I saw no real eveidence of lockdown yesterday. I had to go to an appt and pick up some food in Dunnes and everywhere was busy . Roads were busy too. Good work on the first day of "lent " . Lol . I hope you are going to collate your diary into a document for yourself . Your writing is great
 
- Thanks Rob. I will definitely keep posting.
- Oh great Cate, I'm delighted to be bringing you with me! :)
- Maybe LaMa. The boat's getting rockier!
- Thanks Petal, that's very nice of you to say. There's definitely not the same eeriness of quiet streets and all that, so don't know how this one will go really.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 2 - Lockdown Gives Me a Flat Tyre as Punishment

Lockdown Goal #1: No cigarettes or alcohol. Goal achieved. 2/40.

3 Good Things:
1. I met an old friend from school with his son today. He actually lives just around the corner from me. It was nice to meet someone and have a chat! Screw you Lockdown!
2. I did my 70 minutes of walking today - 30 at lunchtime and 40 after work.
3. I feel like I am psychologically a lot better prepared for this lockdown and might even enjoy this stint of working from home.

Thoughts on Day 2:
So, as the title suggests, Lockdown decided to show me who was boss today, and when I was reversing my car to go for a walk along the greenway again after work, I noticed the car was barely moving. I got out and saw that the front left tyre was completely flat, and then I remembered that I had thought it was looking a little deflated the other day, but I had not followed up on it. So now I am totally grounded. Lol.

If I hadn't had the flat tyre, I wouldn't have met my old friend from school though. We actually were great friends at one point, I sat next to him in a lot of classes and danced with him at my debs. The last time I met him, I think he was cracking onto me at my friend's engagement party. I couldn't have been less interested at the time. I'm not sure why, he's a really lovely guy. Anyway, he found someone and they have another baby on the way. Maybe that could have been me. I was kind of sad after I met him, but I've got over it I think. I guess it's just that reminder that most people from my school have gotten married and have kids at this point. What the hell am I doing? Writing the Lockdown Diaries of course! Haha. But yeah.

Anyway, the flat tyre means that I have a purpose tomorrow in a) tidying my car and then b) trying to get someone to call up and put on the spare tyre, and either fix the flat or sell me a new one. I'm not sure how easy this will be to do in Covid times and on a Saturday. I really don't want to be without my car until Tuesday. :(

Another factor is that it has taken the ease of access to cigarettes and alcohol away. I am tempted tonight, I'm not going to lie. It's 8pm and I'm in bed. My friend just texted that he's drinking whiskey and listening to country music and that sounds like fun. The only thing that's keeping me going is that I said that I'd do this, and I want to write about the experience here, and I don't get to write about it if I give up. I guess it's just the fact that it's Friday of a long weekend that is normally full of music and fun, and now it's all just the same. But anyway. I've played the tape forward and I want to get up early and sort the tyre out, so I will keep on keeping on.
 
We're all rooting for you, Em. This is the only body you get for this lifetime, so be sure to follow up on flat tires, sorry, I meant take good care of it.
 
Good job on no alcohol or cigarettes!

Aw, sucks about the tire. I'm sure you'll be able to find someone to fix it for you. Hopefully it's just a small hole that could be patched so you don't need new rubber. Hopefully you didn't try and drive it and possibly ruin the rim.

Keep up the positivity!
 
Hi, Em. Do you have roadside cover in Ireland? I wouldn't be without it. It costs me just over $100 AU a year & they have helped me out so often. I have never changed a tyre in my life. If you rang them you may be able to join & they could come to change it over for you. How far is your nearest service station? Maybe, someone there could fix it for you.
Well done on day 2 without any alcohol or ciggies :)
 
If you've got the time, you can learn how to install a spare tire by watching any number of videos on youtube. It isn't too difficult although you will get your hands a bit grimy. I imagine it is the same in Ireland, but in most of the United States ~70% of passing men would stop and offer to do it for you if they saw a woman trying (and at least half of these men would actually know how to do it too!).
 
I'm surprised your friend did not change the tyre for you Em . I have roadside assist too and would not hesitate to use it for a tyre. Hope you get sorted today . our tyre shop is open as it's essential services so you won't have a problem .

Well done on day 2.
 
- Thanks LaMa. There's nothing flat about this body, hahaha.
- Thank you Lingwo. Tyre update below.
- Thanks Cate. I don't have that on my insurance, I really should think about adding it on.
- Thanks Err. I did contemplate standing by the car looking helpless wearing high heels and showing some cleavage, but I decided it was too cold. Lol.
- I met him at the front of the estate Petal, about 10 minutes away from the car, and I had forgotten about it at that stage. :)

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 3 - I Get to Know the Neighbours

Lockdown Goal #1: No cigarettes or alcohol. Goal achieved. 3/40.

3 Good Things:
1. I got my tyre sorted! More on that below.
2. We have our full cast now for Monday. Very exciting.
3. I got my 70 minutes of walking in today without getting rained on!

Thoughts on Day 3:
I am in hell right now with happy bottles of wine dancing in front of my eyes. I had a dream last night I said 'Fuckit' and smoked a cigarette. The demons have made their presence felt! I always knew today (and tomorrow) would be when things started to get tough. I am tempted but I'm holding tough.

This morning, I woke up just after 9 after a most delightful sleep (cigarette dream excluded). I cleared out the car (a nightmare job I've been avoiding for weeks - being hungover is always a good excuse), had my breakfast and then asked my housemate if she'd ever changed a tyre before. (I am shameless.) She made a face and said no, but she said that our neighbour across the street had helped her put her hubcaps back on her car recently and she reckoned he wouldn't mind doing it for me. I decided putting myself out there and asking for help was better than paying the callout fee to hire someone to change the tyre for me, so I finished my coffee and made the trek across the road.

The wife answered the door and she looked kind of surprised to see me there at 11am in the morning, but she said she'd send two of them out to me. Her husband and her son came outside then. They were both still in their pyjamas and the dad was even in slippers! Lol, I felt so bad. The tyre got changed after a bit of a struggle, I thanked them profusely, and I headed off to the tyre place. I bought the dad some wine and biscuits as a thank you and dropped them over this evening. He didn't want to accept them at all, but I insisted. I think he was really chuffed.

At the garage, dealing with another really nice man there, I got a new tyre to replace one of the other ones that was nearly worn out, the flat tyre pumped up again and some new bolts. The lot came to 75 euro, which was an absolute steal, so I was again delighted. That whole adventure took up about 2 and a half hours, so the rest of the day went fairly fast.

I did my walk (x 2), made lunch, made dinner, did some food shopping, emailed everyone about the play, watched a bit of Dark on Netflix, and now I'm settled in for the evening to watch a film. Yes, I am bored and want to drink and smoke it all away, but not tonight. Not tonight.
 
Yay to getting it all fixed without too much trouble! I'm sure the neighbor appreciated the wine and the opportunity for father-son bonding. Hope your film is fun and keeps your mind off temptation.
 
What a great day and yay for the neighbours . Don't you find most people really love to help others out when asked .
 
- Thanks LaMa and Cate.
- I agree Petal, most people really do love to help.

The Lockdown Diaries - Day 4 - I Fuck Up

Lockdown Goal #1: No cigarettes or alcohol. Goal achieved. 3/40.
Lockdown Goal #1: Burn 500 calories a day through exercise. 4/40

3 Good Things:
1. I had a lovely chat with my parents this evening.
2. I saw a beautiful rainbow today.
3. I did my walks.

Thoughts on Day 4:
Agh! I gave up. I felt so, so low and I just caved and I am drinking wine now and I have smoked at least 6 cigarettes this evening so far. It was just too much for me.

I'm not giving up on getting this under control, but I've changed my week 1 goal while I try to figure out how to not fall down this hole again. The hour going back did not help, as I've been up since before 7am and the day has just been so long and so lonely. I realised that I despise one of my housemates - the really negative one, she just doesn't give me anything to work with. She won't smile, she won't make an effort, she wants full dominion in the kitchen/living area... Maybe she doesn't realise she's like this, and maybe I am being too hard on her. But I was up so early, and I drove to the nice walk near our home, and she was coming back from her run just as I arrived. So I walked past her car and waved, and her wave was so half-hearted and mean and I just was like, 'Who the fuck am I living with? What is wrong with you?' It's frustrating.

And everyone is different, and I can't look for external validation to value myself, but she is so hard going and she doesn't make my life any easier. Just fucking smile and talk to me sometimes! Things are bad enough. The other girl is nice, but she kind of hogs the TV, and I have no interest in most of her shows. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with me today, and she said no, so I feel like I tried, and I don't owe it to her to sit and watch anything with her, just out of courtesy or friendliness or whatever. So the result is I've been in my room most of the day, feeling terrible, with no distractions, and I just needed my nicotine fix and some wine to pass the time a bit faster.

This is obviously a short term solution to a longterm problem. My dad had baked a cherry and raspberry madeira cake this evening, which I am missing out on. Home could be an option next weekend. Let's see how the week goes. But the sharing situation is pretty bleak.

As I read back, I realise I am blaming other people for my problems, but tomorrow is a new day and I will try again. I just need help sometimes and my environment today was not a help. Not one bit.
 
Who you live with & who you work with is so important for your emotional wellbeing. You spend so much time in the same space. Going home for a break for a little while might be a good idea.
 
Hey Em -

Sorry to hear about that, lockdown can be boring/lonely for sure. I agree with Cate, it would be good to spend some time with your parents to keep your mind busy. I get to a point where there's only so much Reddit or this forum I can read through.

The other thing besides weight loss I've started to obsess over lately is budgeting. Not sure if you're a budgeter, but organizing your finances could be another productive hobby if it's something you need to work on. I use an app called YNAB.
 
:grouphug: Sorry to hear you're struggling. I might get a bit blue as well if my dad baked such wonderful cakes and I couldn't have any :p I agree with Cate that the people we live and work with have a lot of impact. Hopefully with daily walks, maybe video chats with your parents and friends (probably less appealing for you than for me given the fact you do that stuff for work) and some healthy cooking can get you through lockdown sane and healthy. Is there a house schedule for who gets to use/control what when?
 
Em sorry to hear things got on top of you . Would it be worthwhile asking negative house mate has she an issue or a problem . Maybe there is something causing it . Just a thought . Also a rota sounds good for kitchen/ tv use . A house share is supposed to be a house share . Do any of your house mAtes own the house or are you all renting .

Personally and I'm looking at this from A mum POV I would have no hesitation with my adult child living here rather than rent especially if they could save the rent money to help them with a down payment . I'm sure your parents are the same . We lived with my parents for a while and my dad actually didn't see the point in us moving out ,plenty of room for us all. Times are different at the moment with covid . Do what makes you happy
 
Emilyrose said:
tomorrow is a new day and I will try again
Click to expand...
Yes it is, and I am sure you are. Trying is what's important!

Sounds like it is time to move home for a while, good for you, and I am sure your parents would like it. Living with roommates is always a challenge, family is better.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top