Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Turkey girl! I am happy to see that you are sounding so positive about things, you seem to be on a roll, keep it up.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
That would be great, I don't think we have ever seen a picture of you. I feels strange to not know what people look like, I do have this kind of image of what I think you look like in my head. I am sure it is completely wrong. On the other hand I do understand why some folks feel a need for anonymity and are not comfortable with pictures. But if you are please post one, even a partially obscured one would be nice.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
- Nope, I won't Cate.
- I'm not really comfortable with posting pictures of myself LaMa. Sorry.
- Thanks Lingwo.
- I didn't last night but I did tonight Petal. Some pine nut and rosemary.
- Thanks Rob, maybe I will post one in the future some time, not right now. Delighted to see your post today!
Had a good day. I played tennis this morning, met my friend for lunch, and went for a walk afterwards.
Actually, the walk was kind of disappointing, because they're cutting down the trees in the woods I walk in, so I couldn't get in. I was so angry. There were two workmen at the entrance, and I was asking them in a really cross voice if they were cutting down all the trees. Clearly David Attenborough's documentary is to the forefront of my mind here. Anyway, there was an injunction against them cutting away as many as they want to, so they said it will be mostly clearing away the fallen ones and they will be replanting. So hopefully it will still be nice when they are finished. It's a disaster in terms of nice places to go walking, especially if we go into a tighter lockdown again, as the work is going on until December. But the two men said that in a few weeks, it should be open to the public again at the weekends. Still, disappointing.
I did my walk anyway, it just wasn't as nice as the woodland walk is. You just never know when the things you like will be snatched away! For fuck sake.
I was also thinking today about how I always thought I'd just wake up one day and I'd be 'ready' to start eating right, stop smoking, and look after my body. I realised today that that day will never come. I've kind of accepted it's going to be a real struggle for a while.
I did very well today. I bought polo mints to have every time I had a cigarette craving. I actually only had 3, which was very good, considering I was in town with lots of people smoking around me, which is a real trigger. I didn't buy wine this evening either. I just decided on Friday that I really wanted 3 good sleeps this weekend. Wine makes that impossible. I slept for over 9 hours last night, so I'm off to a good start. The difference between being fresh and hungover is monumental. I really enjoyed being completely alert today, I have to say.
I did the epsom salt foot soak again this evening, loving it. I also got the TV to myself for a bit and watched the first episode of the new The Twilight Zone. What a show.
- I'm not really comfortable with posting pictures of myself LaMa. Sorry.
- Thanks Lingwo.
- I didn't last night but I did tonight Petal. Some pine nut and rosemary.
- Thanks Rob, maybe I will post one in the future some time, not right now. Delighted to see your post today!
Had a good day. I played tennis this morning, met my friend for lunch, and went for a walk afterwards.
Actually, the walk was kind of disappointing, because they're cutting down the trees in the woods I walk in, so I couldn't get in. I was so angry. There were two workmen at the entrance, and I was asking them in a really cross voice if they were cutting down all the trees. Clearly David Attenborough's documentary is to the forefront of my mind here. Anyway, there was an injunction against them cutting away as many as they want to, so they said it will be mostly clearing away the fallen ones and they will be replanting. So hopefully it will still be nice when they are finished. It's a disaster in terms of nice places to go walking, especially if we go into a tighter lockdown again, as the work is going on until December. But the two men said that in a few weeks, it should be open to the public again at the weekends. Still, disappointing.
I did my walk anyway, it just wasn't as nice as the woodland walk is. You just never know when the things you like will be snatched away! For fuck sake.
I was also thinking today about how I always thought I'd just wake up one day and I'd be 'ready' to start eating right, stop smoking, and look after my body. I realised today that that day will never come. I've kind of accepted it's going to be a real struggle for a while.
I did very well today. I bought polo mints to have every time I had a cigarette craving. I actually only had 3, which was very good, considering I was in town with lots of people smoking around me, which is a real trigger. I didn't buy wine this evening either. I just decided on Friday that I really wanted 3 good sleeps this weekend. Wine makes that impossible. I slept for over 9 hours last night, so I'm off to a good start. The difference between being fresh and hungover is monumental. I really enjoyed being completely alert today, I have to say.
I did the epsom salt foot soak again this evening, loving it. I also got the TV to myself for a bit and watched the first episode of the new The Twilight Zone. What a show.
That's ok; we all protect ourselves in some way.
Pretty sure those workmen weren't the ones deciding which trees were getting cut down. Around here most forests still have some production function. Which isn't bad: wood is a great product, way more environmentally friendly than concrete, and a better carbon sink when used in building than in a mature forest. They only cut down a smallish part of the forest every 5 years or so (leaving a set amount of trees as raptor lookouts) and while that means there's always an ugly spot in the forest it also means you have on open area and forest in different stages of development, which makes for more biodiversity. A mature temperate forest which is never allowed to burn down really doesn't have much of that. As far as I can tell different countries are experimenting with different methods of (burning, cutting down just the edges, thinning) but unless you let all of Europe go back to being nature (moving us away, underground or killing us off) you have to to have some kind of forest management if you want to all the traditional animal and plant life around*. So I don't know what your workmen were doing exactly but needn't have been nefarious.
* Large-scale clearcutting was a problem in large parts of Europe by 1000 CE. All the beautiful landscapes we're used to are artificial to some extent. I love heather/moorland, for example, which all but disappears if you don't scrape the sod every couple of years. They tried just letting sheep or "wild" cattle do the job for decades around where my parents live and the heather just wasted away. For the last 10-15 years they've been experimenting with burning and/or scraping a small area each year and it's looking so much better. And the sod gets sold to blueberry farmers, so the extra work pays for itself.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Then don't! I did not mean to pressure you to do anything you are uncomfortable with, this is a place you should feel comfortable.
- Hi LaMa. I won't get into it about the trees here - I think neither of us know enough about it to be experts, if I'm honest.
- Thanks Rob. It's not pressure, I just want to keep this place as a safe haven. Posting pictures will mean I'm looking for attention or compliments or validation of any kind. I don't want that.
I'm not in great form this evening. I went home, my mother annoyed me, I regretted going home. My two cousins are looking to buy houses with their partners, my mother told me. I felt the unspoken feeling of having let her down, because I don't have a house or husband or children. She doesn't express those feelings, but I know she wants to be able to respond to my aunt-in-law's boasts with something equal and worthy. This is the problem with being a child with promise and not living up to any expectations. I hate it. It's why I get on with my dad better - he doesn't have so many expectations and doesn't have lengthy chats on the phone with anyone about how I'm doing. And about how I'm not really measuring up.
This is terrible, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm really sad about it.
- Thanks Rob. It's not pressure, I just want to keep this place as a safe haven. Posting pictures will mean I'm looking for attention or compliments or validation of any kind. I don't want that.
I'm not in great form this evening. I went home, my mother annoyed me, I regretted going home. My two cousins are looking to buy houses with their partners, my mother told me. I felt the unspoken feeling of having let her down, because I don't have a house or husband or children. She doesn't express those feelings, but I know she wants to be able to respond to my aunt-in-law's boasts with something equal and worthy. This is the problem with being a child with promise and not living up to any expectations. I hate it. It's why I get on with my dad better - he doesn't have so many expectations and doesn't have lengthy chats on the phone with anyone about how I'm doing. And about how I'm not really measuring up.
This is terrible, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm really sad about it.
Cate
Long term member
Em- have you tried talking to your mother about it? Maybe she doesn't have those thoughts at all. I have 2 sons & see their flaws & their strong points but am not disappointed with either of them. You may be reading something into it that isn't there. Either way a conversation about it would be good.
Hope you have a good week at work this week xo
Hope you have a good week at work this week xo
alligatorob
Respected Member
Guess you nailed me! I have to admit to some of that, the attention and complements have been good reinforcement to me, so I do admit appreciating them. To each our own I guess. I am still curious to see what the real Emily looks like.
I sometimes feel that I'm disappointing my parents but in reality they're proud of me and I probably project my own dissatisfaction onto them. I'm sure your mom worries occasionally - that's what moms do, especially when you're struggling or unhappy - but from what you've told us so far she doesn't seem like the type who pushes for grandkids and a big car.
Petal001
New member
Hi em . The reason I don’t post a picture on here is because it’s not anonymous any more . It’s a shame any one can see and it’s not a licked membership. For the amount of views posts get compared to the people who post is way different.
I am sorry about your mum . I have a friend who is also feeling that way about her mum . I probably would let know how you feel but I say maybe she is just catching you up on the family news . Hard to know really .
Don’t let it upset you much . You have a good life and things will happen for you in time .
But let me tell you being Married with kids and a house and in-laws is not a bed of roses . Oh to run away sometimes very tempting !!!!! Enjoy your life each day Em you only get one .
I am sorry about your mum . I have a friend who is also feeling that way about her mum . I probably would let know how you feel but I say maybe she is just catching you up on the family news . Hard to know really .
Don’t let it upset you much . You have a good life and things will happen for you in time .
But let me tell you being Married with kids and a house and in-laws is not a bed of roses . Oh to run away sometimes very tempting !!!!! Enjoy your life each day Em you only get one .
- Thanks Lingwo, you're right.
- I took your advice Cate and the whole thing was in my head. She said she wasn't saying that in a pointed way at all. She's happy if I am happy and she wants me to live my own life and doesn't compare me to anyone. She said she's proud of me.
- Oh, I absolutely love compliments Rob. Lol. I have taken 'progress pics' so maybe if I get to the 'after', I will post a few then.
- Yeah, she's not really LaMa. I guess that was just the way I was feeling yesterday myself.
- Thanks Petal. I really try to enjoy it. I also know that married life is not always easy either. I don't seem to be in any rush to get there anyway, haha! But I would like it to happen for me someday.
When I was on the phone to my mum earlier, we talked about how I am essentially back to the way I was when I a child, or pretty much anyway. I don't mean that in the way that I am behaving childishly, but that the confidence I had when I was young has really come back. I am more 'myself' again. She said that she can see it in me. I can see it in myself. I guess I had a tough time for many years in school, and I kind of retreated into my shell, but not I'm really casting that shell off again. It's such a relief to just be, and not be so worried about perceptions and other people's opinions of me, and just do my thing. So the conversation we had was really great. It's not an easy journey, but I'm finally coming into my own. My mum was saying she sees such a bright future for me.
I do think it's time to get rid of the addiction issues now that are holding me back. It's time to start a new chapter in my life, and I can't do that when I avoid the heavy feelings. I need to start facing up to them and overcoming them. It's not easy, but I need to start doing it to get to the next step. I've come this far, I can't stop now.
- I took your advice Cate and the whole thing was in my head. She said she wasn't saying that in a pointed way at all. She's happy if I am happy and she wants me to live my own life and doesn't compare me to anyone. She said she's proud of me.
- Oh, I absolutely love compliments Rob. Lol. I have taken 'progress pics' so maybe if I get to the 'after', I will post a few then.
- Yeah, she's not really LaMa. I guess that was just the way I was feeling yesterday myself.
- Thanks Petal. I really try to enjoy it. I also know that married life is not always easy either. I don't seem to be in any rush to get there anyway, haha! But I would like it to happen for me someday.
When I was on the phone to my mum earlier, we talked about how I am essentially back to the way I was when I a child, or pretty much anyway. I don't mean that in the way that I am behaving childishly, but that the confidence I had when I was young has really come back. I am more 'myself' again. She said that she can see it in me. I can see it in myself. I guess I had a tough time for many years in school, and I kind of retreated into my shell, but not I'm really casting that shell off again. It's such a relief to just be, and not be so worried about perceptions and other people's opinions of me, and just do my thing. So the conversation we had was really great. It's not an easy journey, but I'm finally coming into my own. My mum was saying she sees such a bright future for me.
I do think it's time to get rid of the addiction issues now that are holding me back. It's time to start a new chapter in my life, and I can't do that when I avoid the heavy feelings. I need to start facing up to them and overcoming them. It's not easy, but I need to start doing it to get to the next step. I've come this far, I can't stop now.
That's wonderful, congratulations. Hold on to that feeling.
alligatorob
Respected Member
I am sorry this is happening to you, and that you feel this way about it. You are a fine person, just remember that. I know what your mother says and thinks is important to you, its only natural. But that does not mean she is always right. The conversation with her was the right thing to do, I am hoping you continue to feel better about things.
- I'll try LaMa. It's not always easy, but I'm doing my best.
- Thanks Cate, and, to be honest, I might not have brought it up without your encouragement. I'm really glad I spoke about it here and I'm glad of your comment. That's what I love about the internet - people from the other side of the world can make a difference to my world! It's cool.
- Thank you Rob. I don't want to feel terrible, but sometimes I just do.
- Thanks Petal. I'm probably not what she expected, but I do think she is proud of me.
I think I might have made the tennis team! It's a bit unclear right now, but I am being given a form to fill in this week that enables me to join the league, so it looks hopeful. It's a great incentive for me to have something outside of myself to be healthy for. I seem to struggle to look after myself - I do better when I am doing it for other people. That's probably why I gained so much weight during lockdown - no one else really had to look at me. I know, that's terribly sad, and I'm working on it here with you lovely people. I wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't have something to work on. I guess this is my form of therapy in a way. Which is why I don't want to post pictures and all of that. Then it suddenly becomes my 'page', and then I'll only shine a light on the happy things, and the therapy part goes away. I don't want that. Not yet at least.
I actually kept a record of my weight since May in a notebook, and I gained over 5 pounds in 18 days that I still have not managed to lose. That's astounding weight gain in such a short period of time. That has not shifted! That's the worst part. It just shows that I really store all my fear as fat. It probably allows me to function. I mean, I do worry that if I lost weight, I'd be a fucking trainwreck around the place, because where does all that fear go? Even with tennis and a decent amount of exercise outside of that, I am not able to let go of the food and cigarettes and alcohol. I just feel such a low when I attempt to give them up. The feelings are overwhelming.
The thing is that there are many women and men like me out there. My housemate came in last Friday night and literally inhaled a yoghurt thing right in front of me - she was feeling bad, and she wasn't even eating the yoghurt, she was just filling up the void while she spoke to me. The other housemate was on keto, but seems to have abandoned that for the moment, and eats huge pizzas or takeaways or lots of toast quite regularly. I'm not saying that to be critical, but I understand the way that I use food, and I understand the way that other people use food. Another girl in work has lost a lot of weight recently, but went to the gym this morning and again after work because she 'snacks a lot during the day.' It's all compulsive behaviour, it's all damaging behaviour in a way. Why are we all using food to push the feelings away?
I often think of that phrase, 'Your vibe attracts your tribe.' My tribe is echoing back where I am going wrong. What can I do about it?
My final thought on this is that I played my best tennis ever on Sunday, after having two epic nights sleep Friday and Saturday and not drinking and smoking very little all weekend. So I know that if I do make the team, I will only give my best performance by giving up my worst vices. I think I will absolutely make the team if I can do this and if I do, I won't want to let them down.
And now, a song:
- Thanks Cate, and, to be honest, I might not have brought it up without your encouragement. I'm really glad I spoke about it here and I'm glad of your comment. That's what I love about the internet - people from the other side of the world can make a difference to my world! It's cool.
- Thank you Rob. I don't want to feel terrible, but sometimes I just do.
- Thanks Petal. I'm probably not what she expected, but I do think she is proud of me.
I think I might have made the tennis team! It's a bit unclear right now, but I am being given a form to fill in this week that enables me to join the league, so it looks hopeful. It's a great incentive for me to have something outside of myself to be healthy for. I seem to struggle to look after myself - I do better when I am doing it for other people. That's probably why I gained so much weight during lockdown - no one else really had to look at me. I know, that's terribly sad, and I'm working on it here with you lovely people. I wouldn't be on this forum if I didn't have something to work on. I guess this is my form of therapy in a way. Which is why I don't want to post pictures and all of that. Then it suddenly becomes my 'page', and then I'll only shine a light on the happy things, and the therapy part goes away. I don't want that. Not yet at least.
I actually kept a record of my weight since May in a notebook, and I gained over 5 pounds in 18 days that I still have not managed to lose. That's astounding weight gain in such a short period of time. That has not shifted! That's the worst part. It just shows that I really store all my fear as fat. It probably allows me to function. I mean, I do worry that if I lost weight, I'd be a fucking trainwreck around the place, because where does all that fear go? Even with tennis and a decent amount of exercise outside of that, I am not able to let go of the food and cigarettes and alcohol. I just feel such a low when I attempt to give them up. The feelings are overwhelming.
The thing is that there are many women and men like me out there. My housemate came in last Friday night and literally inhaled a yoghurt thing right in front of me - she was feeling bad, and she wasn't even eating the yoghurt, she was just filling up the void while she spoke to me. The other housemate was on keto, but seems to have abandoned that for the moment, and eats huge pizzas or takeaways or lots of toast quite regularly. I'm not saying that to be critical, but I understand the way that I use food, and I understand the way that other people use food. Another girl in work has lost a lot of weight recently, but went to the gym this morning and again after work because she 'snacks a lot during the day.' It's all compulsive behaviour, it's all damaging behaviour in a way. Why are we all using food to push the feelings away?
I often think of that phrase, 'Your vibe attracts your tribe.' My tribe is echoing back where I am going wrong. What can I do about it?
My final thought on this is that I played my best tennis ever on Sunday, after having two epic nights sleep Friday and Saturday and not drinking and smoking very little all weekend. So I know that if I do make the team, I will only give my best performance by giving up my worst vices. I think I will absolutely make the team if I can do this and if I do, I won't want to let them down.
And now, a song:
Lingwo
Active member
I definitely feel you there, I am a bit of a stress eater too. I think a part of this most recent journey for me will be finding a way to come up with a better stress coping mechanism, or to remove some of the stress from my life. I haven't figured out the former yet, but for the latter I'm definitely taking a step back and not letting things at work stress me out as much.
Good job with tennis. I really enjoy playing it, but I'm quite bad.
Good job with tennis. I really enjoy playing it, but I'm quite bad.
Cate
Long term member
That's what I love about it too. My diary is my therapy & I am more open in it. I think we have a great community.Thanks Cate, and, to be honest, I might not have brought it up without your encouragement. I'm really glad I spoke about it here and I'm glad of your comment. That's what I love about the internet - people from the other side of the world can make a difference to my world! It's cool.
That is very exciting, Em. I really hope you do. That would be a great incentive to look after yourself better. We should be able to do it just for our own benefit, but not wanting to let others down is a good incentive to be healthier.