Cate's Diary
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Cate
Long term member
Thank you so much, M, Llama, Liza & Em 
I am really struggling with self-doubt at the moment. I didn't feel that brave talking to them but somehow managed to, without losing my cool when they got a bit bossy. B2 I call "prissy pants" in my head. I wonder what they did imagine that I wanted to talk to them about. I hadn't thought about that. That's quite funny. I will try to be as truthful as I can about how I feel about the women. I feel on the outer & that I don't belong. I feel different. Most of them have known one another for decades. Many of them are widows & go out to lunch together regularly. I am just not one of them & I don't think they even like me. That's the truth. It hurts. I find it much easier getting along with men. I am more relaxed with men. You can have opinions & say what you think & with most men that is not a problem. You can have a laugh with them. They are rarely bitchy. They usually don't pretend to be best buddies & bitch about you behind your back.
I feel that I have to go to golf each week & to their lunches or I will get even further out of their loop. I really don't know what to do about it.
I feel like deleting all of the above, except for the 1st line. Thanks for your support. I'm feeling low today & have to push myself out the door today to go to lunch with G & 3 other couples, who we know through golf, including A & M (who I love). It's raining & we have an hour's drive each way. I want to curl up in a ball & have a good cry instead.
Edit:
Kept within my calories yesterday & no wine.
I am really struggling with self-doubt at the moment. I didn't feel that brave talking to them but somehow managed to, without losing my cool when they got a bit bossy. B2 I call "prissy pants" in my head. I wonder what they did imagine that I wanted to talk to them about. I hadn't thought about that. That's quite funny. I will try to be as truthful as I can about how I feel about the women. I feel on the outer & that I don't belong. I feel different. Most of them have known one another for decades. Many of them are widows & go out to lunch together regularly. I am just not one of them & I don't think they even like me. That's the truth. It hurts. I find it much easier getting along with men. I am more relaxed with men. You can have opinions & say what you think & with most men that is not a problem. You can have a laugh with them. They are rarely bitchy. They usually don't pretend to be best buddies & bitch about you behind your back.
I feel that I have to go to golf each week & to their lunches or I will get even further out of their loop. I really don't know what to do about it.
I feel like deleting all of the above, except for the 1st line. Thanks for your support. I'm feeling low today & have to push myself out the door today to go to lunch with G & 3 other couples, who we know through golf, including A & M (who I love). It's raining & we have an hour's drive each way. I want to curl up in a ball & have a good cry instead.
Edit:
Kept within my calories yesterday & no wine.
Last edited:
Oh, Cate, so sorry you feel like an outsider doing something you love to do. That is awful. You just described a lot of what it was like being a mom in my private school mom group in CA. I just did not fit in and though some people were nice, others were catty and competitive, and I didn't do well in that atmosphere at all. It really made me much more socially anxious and have a lot of self doubt, as well. I also like groups of men better if I have to hang out in groups for the reasons you describe. Can you just golf with the few people you like there and ignore the rest or do you have to do a lot of the group activities? Could you take a break from that place for a while? Sending all the hugs !
!
Cate
Long term member
Thank you, Marsia, Llama (& Vic). I think I have to find a way to not be as sensitive. I should be able to just go out there & play golf, enjoy it & go home when I like & not care. I can play on Tuesdays with the vets if I want to and/or on Saturdays with mostly men if I want to or I can keep playing with the women on Wednesdays & any of the other days as well. I don't want to give up trying. There are 4 women who I really like & one in particular who I feel really close to (T) so they will keep me going. I just have to form an outer protective coat of armour. I also feel that I will speak up if someone is being mean to me or to anyone else. Bullies always need a target & I am not going to be it.
I have felt so much better since I left home this morning. We were early & I called in at a clothes shop along the way & bought a nice black linen shirt that I can wear out to lunch. It is very flattering & I can dress it up with either a nice matching necklace and earrings or one of my many scarves. That was a good start to the day. I drove. I always used to love driving. I love my new little car.
Lunch with our friends was just lovely. They are pretty special. We are going to have lunch together (the 4 couples) every second month. A & M are such good friends. I told M that it felt like ages since we had seen them. It hasn't. Only 3 weeks apparently. For some reason M & I really hit it off. She doesn't like that many women & we are very different. We just get along really well. A is probably G's best friend.
We came home a longer way so that we could go on the highway, rather than back roads. It has been bucketing down. My new little car feels so comfortable & so safe. I'm so glad we went.
I have felt so much better since I left home this morning. We were early & I called in at a clothes shop along the way & bought a nice black linen shirt that I can wear out to lunch. It is very flattering & I can dress it up with either a nice matching necklace and earrings or one of my many scarves. That was a good start to the day. I drove. I always used to love driving. I love my new little car.
Lunch with our friends was just lovely. They are pretty special. We are going to have lunch together (the 4 couples) every second month. A & M are such good friends. I told M that it felt like ages since we had seen them. It hasn't. Only 3 weeks apparently. For some reason M & I really hit it off. She doesn't like that many women & we are very different. We just get along really well. A is probably G's best friend.
We came home a longer way so that we could go on the highway, rather than back roads. It has been bucketing down. My new little car feels so comfortable & so safe. I'm so glad we went.
That does sound like a good plan.Thanks, Llama. A good dose of friendship was needed. I have to focus on the people in my life who matter to me & not worry so much about the rest.
Finding your way to enjoy golf without it becoming a stressful social thing sounds really good. It would be great to find a way to just get out and play with the nice ones and somehow avoid all the B's if that's possible.
I'm so happy your little car is working out so well for you!
Oh Cate. I totally empathise with your feelings about the golfing women, I really do. I think it's good that you typed it all out on here. Better out than in! Might I suggest that if you are calling someone 'prissy pants' in your head when you're talking to them, then it might be natural that they don't exactly gravitate towards you? Just a thought! 
Anyway, I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Glad to hear you are loving the new little car. Toot toot!
Anyway, I'm sure you'll figure it out.Glad to hear you are loving the new little car. Toot toot!
Cate
Long term member
I think that's what I have been trying to do but it's not working so well. I do need to try harder to get along with the Bs & maybe I should stop calling them that. I will try thinking positive thoughts about them instead.
Thanks, Liza. It feels good to be enjoying driving again. I do need to work out how everything works though. I'm not used to bells & whistles.
Thanks, Em. You're right you know. I am going to stop the negative name calling & instead just use their names in my head & try harder to see their good qualities. They are both J's. They do most of the work. They have played golf most of their lives & they are quite good at it.Oh Cate. I totally empathise with your feelings about the golfing women, I really do. I think it's good that you typed it all out on here. Better out than in! Might I suggest that if you are calling someone 'prissy pants' in your head when you're talking to them, then it might be natural that they don't exactly gravitate towards you? Just a thought!
How is yours going?Glad to hear you are loving the new little car. Toot toot!
I was wide awake for hours last night. I felt like a coffee after lunch & it was strong & good. I think it's what kept me awake so long. I usually only have coffee first thing in the morning (always espresso & never instant) after breakfast & then only herbal tea for the rest of the day. I don't feel exhausted this morning but I may have a nap during the day so that I don't fall asleep during the evening.
I kept to within my calories yesterday including some bubbles at lunch time. No sweets. Only a corner of G's garlic bread, nothing fried or battered.
You're doing so good with tracking calories! I love how you took just a corner of G's garlic bread. I hope you are able to nap and get your sleep schedule back on track. I think it's good to see the good qualities in the golfing women, but not forget that they can be weird and critical, too.
Cate
Long term member
I have to try, M. I can't go up another size
I probably won't now. I feel ok though.
I am going to try harder to see their good qualities, M. It may not be easy. Name calling is not good for anyone, including me, though & I must stop that.
I was in my home clothes & wasn't going to go anywhere but then after looking up a depression support web site, I made the decision to pick myself up & head into town as it was sunny. Arch was happy about that. I had some nice interactions with strangers & caught up with a couple I hadn't see for a while, did some very healthy shopping & just had a small healthy lunch of 2 Ryvita biscuits, 1 with hummus & tomato, the other cheese & pickles, some celery & an orange.
Maybe I will have that nap.....
That sounds like a nice little outing. Yes it really is usually better when we can get out despite our moods! I did that the other day--just really felt like I could do another day of lying around but I went out and it did really help.
Cate
Long term member
Thanks, Llama. M & Liza. I didn't have that nap & fell asleep in my chair towards the end of the evening, but woke only enough to get into bed without waking up properly & slept like a log.
It is much better for me to push myself out when I feel blue. It takes that much more effort, but it really does help.
Yesterday was another healthy day, keeping within my calories & no wine. Once I decide not to have any wine I don't have a problem with it. I have told myself I can have one if I really feel like it, but I haven't imposed any strict rules which my brain would probably then argue with.
I had a deficit of 304 cals yesterday.
My cals are set at 1570 for now. It was 1630(?) I'll weigh tomorrow maybe.
It is much better for me to push myself out when I feel blue. It takes that much more effort, but it really does help.
Yesterday was another healthy day, keeping within my calories & no wine. Once I decide not to have any wine I don't have a problem with it. I have told myself I can have one if I really feel like it, but I haven't imposed any strict rules which my brain would probably then argue with.
I had a deficit of 304 cals yesterday.
My cals are set at 1570 for now. It was 1630(?) I'll weigh tomorrow maybe.