Jaymie's fitness journal :)

OMG!!!
:)
Feel SOO great today!
I have been updating my FitDay account religiously and am so pleased with how well I am able to succeed at getting better! I thought it was going to be horribly frustrating! But it is shocking at how I have somehow zapped anorexic thoughts from my existence by eliminating "its" food. Anorexia thrives on self-hatred and fear. Somehow I made a goal. I came here to find you wonderful WONDERFUL people!! :) and I eliminated anorexia's nourishment by constructing a pleasant environment for my SOUL!

It isn't the food that makes me happy! Its the absence of anorexia!!

I have this hope now. this glow that everyone is noticing about me. I have a thirst for life and a mission for the quest of a happy and fullfilling life.
I was in denial ....ABOUT MY DENIAL! I am not going to lie to myself about the suffocation caused by my self-hatred anymore...why? because I am on a mission to rid my life of purposeless self hate and self destruction.
I had always found this sort of behavior completely infantile when I had noticed it in other people. So I fell into a manhole of drug addiction two years ago, heck it was when I was 14 that I originally fell into the depths of Hell and started dancing with demons, I fell into that manhole and unbeknownst to myself I created a path of self destruction that lasted for 8 years of living in darkness to the beauty of the world . And in that tunnell of hate and fear, I tried to pick things of the walls and feed on them hoping for happiness , and I drank from shallow pools of salt water while dehydrating my thirst for adventure and for love and for life and for living happily.
I lied to myself and told myself it was only hurting me and that I deserved it for all the things I had done and hadn't done.
But I was lying to myself and everyone else by screaming that I was in total control! When all along, I feared that I was losing it forever . I lived in denial that I was seeking fullfillment from life, that I was on my way to happiness . And during that bleak time, I managed to walk through a tunnell of nothing at all and felt hopeless that I couldn't even see that I was turning into a monster. I lost friends , I pushed away family . I let chances for adventure and passion pass me by without a second glance. Because I never took my eyes away from the darkness long enough to let the sunshine warm my soul.

I was blind but now...now I can see!

And it may not be apparent, that you guys may have saved me from myself. And ultimately have saved my life and affected my family and friends in a way that you may never know.
But if anyone takes the time to read this very long post, I want you all to know that I will never think of the internet the same again. I found this place upon blessing . And I thank God for all of you who are taking the time to help me through this and to show me the way and to encourage my recovery. I thought I would have to go to a hospital to get this kind of encouragement. But I was wrong.

Seek and ye shall find. These words had meant nothing for so long. I had fallen from God and from everything I held so dear.

Again, thank you all so much! :)
I am actually just about to cry right now I feel so full of hope ! I had almost given up! I would have shot myself before long!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I will always be around here . I just get this feeling from you all here that you are there for me. Your words have rang out to me when I felt like giving up and I stuck it out!

My kids t hank you and I thank you from the soil of my heart!!
Love and happiness have been planted there! And will soon grow into TRUE BEAUTY ! All this time I had coveted such a shallow thing. All the fake beauty and lost what life was all about. I feel like I have been in a bomb shelter for years , and am finally emerging into the most beautiful state of mind and the colors are breath-taking!! :)

THANK YOU ALL

love- Jaymie
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So with that said here is my fitday account for anyone to read




God bless you all :)
 
Wow, what can I say but I am happy that you are so happy. You did the work, we just guided you, if you werent willing to change, this would never have happened. I have never felt better about being a member of this site, seeing this "life change". I wish you the best and continued success.

This doesnt mean you're leaving does it?
 
I agree 100% with what Tony said. We can supply the guidance, support, and advice and it all means nothing if you were unwilling to change. Kudos to you for making that change. Keep up your excellent transformation. You know you have a shoulder to lean on ( well lots of shoulders :) )
 
Well its 1:00 pm today and I have only had 650 calories.....
not good....

I had breakfast of Special K w/ skim milk and 1 egg white
Then I had to sit at the dentists office for like 2 hours
but when I got out I went to Denny's and had the most low fat thing on their menu which was
Broiled Chicken Breast ( 187 calories according to the menu )
Green beans with no butter
and 5 slices of tomato
ice tea with fake sugar in it

So that's it....

I guess I should try to eat something else since I will be doing all leg exercises at the gym after work. It is so hard to have this many calories a day for me. I never thought it would actually be hard to eat MORE .

But I am still trying even though right now I'm not the least bit hungry, I will try and eat something here in just a minute like some yogurt or something.. oh I had some dried fruit too forgot about that.

Well today at the gym I will be doing :

LEG PRESS: 3 sets of 15 @ 250 lbs.
alternated by
CALVES ON THE LEG PRESS:
3 sets of 15 @ 130 lbs
QUAD MACHINE:
3 sets of 15 @ 100 lbs
HANSTRING CURL MACHINE:
3 sets of 15 @ 70 lbs
SQUATS:
3 sets of 15 @ 90 lbs
STAIRSTEPPER:
15 mins. @ level 9
ELLIPTICAL:
30 to 35 minutes

I love leg day :)
I have had "soccer" legs since I had played soccer for 7 years when I was younger . That is one muscle that never got weakened thank God.
 
C'mon Jaymie, you can do it. I would suggest that until your body gets used to the increased intake of food, setup times to eat, and have the same thing each day for awhile (except meals with kids). We gotta find some way for you to be ABLE to eat more.
 
Thanks Tony!
I am on a mission to get better ! I know it will take time its only been a week since I got serious about this.
I just made a sandwich and ate it . I wasn't all that hungry, but it had been about an hour and a half since I had ate last. I will have to get used to being able to recognize the differences between feeling hungry and feeling overly hungry and then there's that "beyond hungry" feeling I had grown so accustomed to.
That was when I was the most vulnerable ... to ANYTHING .
So I don't ever wanna feel like that again.

I went to the dentist this morning and he told me I will be having my 4 wisdom teeth extracted. They must do it surgically since they are below my gums and are impacted. I was setting up the appointment when the receptionist told me that my apmt. time was 3:30 pm and that I am to have nothing to eat or drink past midnight THE NIGHT BEFORE ...
immediately I thought, .... oh no, I am going to have to feel that "beyond hungry" feeling again.....I don't want to feel that empty-headed cold feeling ever again.....
So I rescheduled it for 2 months from now for one at 9:30 AM. So that i wouldn't have to be going all day with nothing to eat , I don't want to let myself slip back into all that again. That feeling was a love-hate relationship. I hated feeling hungry , but I didn't want to give up my "numbness" to the world by drowning it in nourishment...
wierd huh?
So anyway,
I don't have to worry so much. But I would rather deal with the pain for 2 more months, than have one day of chance to slip back into what I just crawled out of.
 
I think it was pretty smart to postpone your appointment. While it may be standard to fast before anesthesia is given, it may be too soon for something like that. I am glad you realized and thought about it that way, and took precautions. You're doing it girl!
 
I think that was a wise decision too JaymieB. I am really proud of you; you have recognized your problem and your weaknesses and are doing something about it. Just keep up the good work :D
 
Hey! Thanks Tony! Chris! and Jamie Lynn!

Yesterday went very well :)

Ya know all this time I thought I had this "big secret" or something..little did I know my whole family knew what was going on this WHOLE time. Made me feel really good yesterday when I went to see my grandparents and my mother , step-father and (step) aunt and uncle. They all recognized I was feeling SOOO much better ! I got told I was beautiful twice yesterday!! In one day!! Not just pretty but BEAUTIFUL !! I was like a friggin big yellow goofy smiley-face from Wal-Mart yesterday!! LOL

It was great! I told them that I had been eating healthy and felt like I had passion for life again. I had the energy to joke and smile and carry on conversations and it was just a fullfilling social/family night last night I feel so happy about it and all that I could just burst into tears of joy right now!! :)

I have a fiance whom I almost gave up on for my anorexia. And to see that it almost really happened now, that is just a scary thought... :/

So he told me last night when I saw him that he is SO glad I am eating again. He said he had been praying for me every night to get better. He didn't want me to suffer with this anymore. I was in shock when he told me this. Because I just felt like somehow I was blessed with the ABILITY to get myself out of this anorexic state of mind. It was like Hell. Demons always whispering in your ears how worthless and undeserving you are, how ugly and alone you are, how you wish that you could just feel numb and waste away from all the pain and then the voice would even add " DON'T YOU? "

It would drown out all the other aspects of life. Tell you that your loved ones and your fiance are only getting in your way of happiness, taking up your time . When you could be using that time to work on getting thinner and thinner and hiding from the world instead of participating in the joys of life. The demons would tell you that no one else was REALLY happy , that "they" were all lying to themselves, and that deep inside they were depressed and only ate to make themselves forget about "their" pain. That deep inside the only reason why they acted like they cared was because they were "jealous" and only wished that they could be as "skinny as you are" . But YOU were never skinny enough and therefore never happy enough to have an open mind to ANYTHING except..anorexia.

What a world to feel as if you had to endure...

But now, it is finally coming to an end in that chapter of my life.
Now it is time to learn and move on into what I was meant for . That was definately not it.
Now life can be an adventure! Life has possibilities and more than just a tunnel-vision blur of reality.....that didn't even EXIST.
Now it has a purpose, a feeling of hope! A brand new start on each new day! An open mind to all I haven't experienced yet! Yay!

Okay well I could on and on.. so lets move on shall we?

Okay last night at the gym I did all the stuff I said I was gonna do EXCEPT!!

on the hamstring curls I can do 75 lbs now! :)
and I did this back machine that you pull down and I was doing 40lbs and now I can do 50lbs!!

I did all that and was NOT tired, and didn't feel like I was going to pass out or die. I am so happy :)

Ah!

okay today after work, me and my fiance , Robert , and my two kids are going fishing!! Something I used to LOVE to do!! But wasn't the least bit interested when I was all starved all the time. So we are going fishing! yay! and then we are going to cook out on the grill, Robert is going to have a couple of his friends over whom I've never met so it should be real nice to meet some new people and I like for him to have friends that is healthy.

ya know alot of women don't like their husbands to have any friends?? why is that?? They don't want them to like..have a life or anything that doesn't involve them even for a second! I couldn't STAND that!!!
I would be like...hey, get away from me for a little while jeez!

Wow, I am REALLY hyper this morning!!! LOL :)

I feel like running like Forrest Gump or something..
I wanna run to the beach , I might get there by summer time so that might be a pretty cool idea. But I would have to strap my kids to me with bunjee cords and cable ties.

hmm....

Okay I am going to stop typing now.
bye!
 
by the way WHOA ! what the hell happened with FitDay! Its all crazy n purple now! I kinda like it better though
*turns head sideways*
 
JaymieB, I was genuinely moved by your post (the long one). It is so good to hear that you are turning your life around and that everything is getting better and better for you.

Make sure you keep going and keep that grin on your face :D
 
It takes a lot to face things AND try to see the good that can come from it all. You are a very strong woman and should be proud of yourself.
 
oh hey!! I'm here now... oh man, I was sick yesterday,head cold or allergies or something...and I got bored so I went to the store and got these press on do-it-yourself nails with these cool purple flowers on em . And so they are EXTREMELY hard to type with LOL !!!

Like typing that sentence was really hard, and this one too.. lol..

I did real good this weekend!

I found something I really enjoy doing for physical activity :) I lieve on a farm, and its like 32 acres of just all-terrain type of stuff. I have a mountain bike so riding that thing all over the place out there and going up and down hills and I felt SO strong!! I had the energy to feel like I could just do anything this weekend!! That is ... until the allergies yesterday..but it was great!

I also got a knee brace finally and it really helps a lot. I was amazed at how the pressure atually helps me keep my knee in line with my toes, which I think is the problem since the car accident couple years ago when I bashed it on the dash.

Bash...dash....hahaha!

I got a little lazy this morning and was here at the office with my coffee, I didn't feel like going back to the break room for a spoon, so I stirred my coffee with a pencil!!! LOL

Now it tastes like a pencil...imagine that. :p

I ate real good this weekend lots of protein, We went out to eat last night and I was all trippin about the calories in everything, but I got a small order of cocktail shrimp...which turned out to be 5 totally HUGE "steroid shrimp" lol
and they were excellent , no sauce or anything. My fiance ate like a whole plate of fried crap...but he is naturally small, not skinny but he just doesn't gain weight . So anyway, he was like"ugh I feel miserable now!" and I was just comfortably full and felt great. So that was cool.

Its so neat to know someone actually wonders where I was after a few days or so! :)

thank you! :)

I'll be back on later today to post my day n stuff. bye!
 
Hello to anyone who is reading this post.

Today is not so good. I mean , its good but I just am not feeling "it" today.. I feel rather..well like I am screwing up somehow..

I know in my heart this is the right thing to do (recovery) but this is how it started last time.. a look in the mirror while passing by it at Wal-mart I saw my face getting all round again...my belly is visible under my shirt ,.... I can see the hole where my belly button is through my shirt....my face is what is the worst... I think thats where I gain weight first or something....

:(

I feel sad and I feel horrible now.. I thought it was just the mirror..but when I grabbed something to try on, I decided to get one size UP from what I normaly wore, ( normally wear a 1, but I grabbed a 3 ) and it was too small , it wouldn't even fit over my thighs.....I feel disgusting.

Here it goes again, but I'm not giving up, I am sorry for putting this nonsense on here. I just felt I had to vent my feelings or I was going to burst into tears. So there I said it...

I think I'll be okay after work I get to work out and I am going to make it a doozy. I'm going to work out as hard as I can. I KNOW I couldn't have gained THAT much. How can I have gone up 2 sizes like that??

I know , the sizes are probably different because in MUDD jeans I wear a 1 and in those STRETCH jeans its a one.. but in like...corduroy's I wear like a 3 or a 5 . I 'm okay you guys, I am not going to relapse this time... I lose the structure of my own thoughts at times...I just needed to get them a bit organized that's all.

My fiance keeps saying " Even if you get fat I'll still love you "

I can't take that and swallow it without choking on it.

Every time he says that, my mind takes that sentence and runs with it .. to the friggin moon ! It just runs it into the ground :(

I don't know what I am "supposed to be so upset about" as my dad puts it....

I guess I am just selfish...I don't know....

I know I really hate sitting here in this dumb chair all day long, I feel like everything I eat is just morphing into fat cells underneath my skin before my eyes... I can almost feel it growing on my stomach. from the inside out...

Man this sucks... I'm sorry you guys I am going to stop typing now and come back when I am feeling better. Maybe later.
 
Jaymie, please please don't give up on yourself. Honestly, we all have days like that - days when we dont feel we're making progress or, we catch sight of ourselves in the mirror and it isn't quite the image we had in our heads.

Think positive though, you obviously recognise the signs, you understand what is going on so, thats huge progress, isn't it?

The thing you have to remember is that changes in your body don't happen overnight, they are gradual. So, when you think you've gained 300lbs in 5 minutes because you thought about ice-cream - YOU HAVEN'T!!

Stay positive and get back out on that mountain bike, that sounds like fun! :D
 
Yes I know , Thanks Chris !
It is very much fun on that bike! I only get to ride on the weekends though when my sweet fiance watches the kids for a while.

I have stayed under 1800 calories for sure during all of this . I actually h ave made that a point . I make sure and get over 1500 though. I don't see how I could have gained weight though. I guess I will see for sure when I weigh in after work today... I don't know if that is such a good idea frankly. But I HAVE to know. I will let yall know what happens.
 
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