Floater's diary

I woke up 5:30 from a dream where I moved to the supported housing unit, and the place was hideous - the shower was in the kitchen and operated on coins, and the neighborhood was in the middle of nowhere with all the apartment buildings looking like straight out of Chernobyl. The dream was amusing for sure, but I still had an anxiety attack after waking up. I didn't need medication for that this time though, I just cried for a bit and then called a helpline to get the anxiety put in words and perspective. :D :D

I couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to freshen up my hair dye and plan this weekend's foods in advance. The weather is great, so I'm thinking about walking to the supermarket again and getting myself some more textured soy protein, cheese, and tortilla wraps. I'm planning to make a chili type of dish that I can eat in wraps, with pasta, or with potatoes with different fresh veggies added in for variety.

I took a long walk with my dog late last night, I let her run free in the fields close to my apartment. She was very happy, and seeing her happy made me happy too. I think that everything is going to work out in the end.
 
Floater said:
I couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to freshen up my hair dye and plan this weekend's foods in advance. The weather is great, so I'm thinking about walking to the supermarket again and getting myself some more textured soy protein, cheese, and tortilla wraps. I'm planning to make a chili type of dish that I can eat in wraps, with pasta, or with potatoes with different fresh veggies added in for variety.
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Sounds super efficient! Also tasty :)
 
Oof, I think I have to limit the amount of weight and fitness related YT channels that I watch, at least when I'm tired or in a bad place mentally. I just found myself staring at my stomach in the mirror and hating myself intensely. BUT: I do think it's a sign of progress that nowadays I can watch this type of content without instantly getting into the "thinspo" mindset. And the fact that I slept so poorly (which means slowed digestion and bloatedness) definitely affects my silhouette.

I already prepared the soy mince, it's sitting in the fridge now. I feel super tired but I know it's worth it to do the grocery shopping now, not leave it for later, when I might make worse choices. Besides, walking to the supermarket will help with the GI issues and bloating. After getting back home it's time to walk the dog, and then start to think about dinner.
 
Floater said:
Oof, I think I have to limit the amount of weight and fitness related YT channels that I watch, at least when I'm tired or in a bad place mentally. I just found myself staring at my stomach in the mirror and hating myself intensely. BUT: I do think it's a sign of progress that nowadays I can watch this type of content without instantly getting into the "thinspo" mindset.
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I´m definitely very picky about what specific Youtubers I watch, and not just because most fitness content is crap. Even when I just watch fitness influencers for the kitchen content (which I like, because there just aren´t that many cooking channels that focus on food that both tastes good AND delivers on veggies and protein) I can´t really deal when they´re running around flexing in the tightest possible clothes all the time. Which is what gets views, so they all do. My (imperfect) solution is to mostly stick with guys because I have no inclination to compare myself with them.
 
LaMaria said:
My (imperfect) solution is to mostly stick with guys because I have no inclination to compare myself with them.
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You might be onto something here. :D I have never felt insecure when watching content made by guys, I think it's partly because their fitness goals aren't usually centered around extreme leanness and thigh gaps. And yeah, some content is bad when it comes to the information (or, should I say misinformation), and some is bad because it's just... Mean? I have mentioned that good old ED voice in my head, and I was watching someone today who just brought that back. (I think it's also fair to ask whether some of the more extreme content is made by folks who are living with an active ED. Can't know for sure, but.)

Anyway. I walked to the supermarket and on my way back I had a lovely talk with some old guy who had spotted a white-throated dipper sitting on a fallen tree above a little river that's close to my home! It was so nice, I have never seen one in the wild before. And it felt nice to connect with someone over a bird, we just admired it for a bit and then continued our separate ways.

I'll take the dog out soon, and then start planning dinner. I had a pack of ham as a snack when I got home... I was _starving_!
 
I'm writing in my meals from 8pm yesterday to 8pm today one hour early, because after the dinner I just had I won't be hungry for hours.

Bedtime snack: one hard-boiled egg, 0,5dl of Parmesan flakes
Breakfast: instant oatmeal with sunflower seeds, cherry jam, textured soy protein and PB
Lunch: two marinated hard-boiled eggs
Snack: 3dl of roasted carrots with hummus
Snack: 200g of ham
Dinner: two oven-toasted quesadillas filled with soy mince, corn, hummus, guacamole, and shredded cheddar

The quesadillas were amazing. And HEAVY. Because I used sun-dried tomatoes in the soy mince, the taste and texture was a lot like full fat minced beef (although obviously healthier with very little saturated fat). I had to take a break between the two quesadillas and re-heat the second one before eating it. But I'll definitely keep this recipe in mind, it was very satisfying.

A lot of animal proteins today. I was just really craving eggs and ham. I'll try to eat more veg and fruit towards the evening.
 
Floater said:
I walked to the supermarket and on my way back I had a lovely talk with some old guy who had spotted a white-throated dipper sitting on a fallen tree above a little river that's close to my home! It was so nice, I have never seen one in the wild before. And it felt nice to connect with someone over a bird, we just admired it for a bit and then continued our separate ways.
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That sounds lovely. We can all use a bit of real connection.
Food looks nice too, by the way!
 
Sigh. Something must be off with this hunger. I have better stuff available, but I just inhaled a tortilla with egg, guac and cheese... And continued to eat more cheese. Not binge quantities, but I really thought I ate a lot already today? (Then again; if I were to do the math between fasting two days and binging on one, it would be so much worse.)

I just want to feel normal hunger and satiation again. This is my new mantra. :/
 
A tortilla from refined flour, plus the fat and protein from the egg, guacamole, and cheese, would make for very simple, quick energy. Very rewarding! No surprise your body wanted you to keep eating. If you say you inhaled I assume that means you ate it very quickly? I find it easier to feel my satiation when I eat slowly and I sometimes have to get up and walk a bit after eating to feel that I actually am full.
 
Quite possible. I´m always famished when I exercise in cold weather. Pretty sure part of that is the body´s desire to build up more fat stores for the cold season, but part of are likely actual calories burned as well.
 
A litle late for today's food diary - from 8pm yesterday to 8pm today.

Late night snack: a tortilla with guac, an egg, and cheese. 0,5 dl of parm flakes
Breakfast: one marinated egg
Lunch: pasta, soy mince with corn, and cheese
Snack: 150g of guacamole

I've been feeling so sick today.

TW: gastric issues and GRAPHIC descriptions of them.

GI issues have been so bad that I, ironically, had to sh*t in the woods while walking my dog. Luckily this happened in the _actual_ woods - no one around, no artificial lights, and it was past nightfall. It was still pretty humiliating and nasty: I went for a nice walk in the woods and ended up using a random napkin for TP. (Of course, anyone with EDs has "poop stories" to share, but I've been pretty sensible with my eating, so I felt like a failure!)

Every time I think it gets better it hits again, and I haven't really had an appetite. Really bad heartburn too. I did consider if it's food poisoning, but I don't think that's plausible. Food poisoning has some pretty clear symptoms, and I've been able to walk and be active, I just can't seem to keep things in my body for too long.
 
Shit happens. Literally. It's been a while now, thankfully, but there have plenty of times when I've not had more than a minute's warning to get to the nearest toilet - or bush. It feels awful, but it is what it is. I hope you're not in pain and it passes soon.
 
LaMaria said:
Shit happens. Literally. It's been a while now, thankfully, but there have plenty of times when I've not had more than a minute's warning to get to the nearest toilet - or bush. It feels awful, but it is what it is. I hope you're not in pain and it passes soon.
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Thank you. <3

The pain isn't too bad at the moment. I took an anti-anxiety pill, those slow down the central nervous system and of course the body in general as well, AKA the peristaltic movement of the bowel gets slowed down as a side effect. After this, I managed to eat 200g of "bread cheese", it's a strange Finnish dairy dish, usually 19g protein and 19g fat. For me, dairy (especially cultured dairy) also seems to help with the runs (I tend to get constipated if I eat a lot of dairy). So let's hope I'll feel better tomorrow. :)

After all... This is all part of finding out what works for me and my body. I have no time to feel ashamed, I just want to be as well as I can.
 
Yayyy, managed to eat a pack of dry instant noodles ( I sprinkled 1/3 of the dry seasoning into the pack and the crushed the noodles into makehift chips) and one plain tortilla with a bit of marg from an almost empty package. My dog got to lick the tub clean after. Feeling super drowsy, I'll just go to sleep now and brush my teeth & clean my face when I wake up temporarily at 5am as I usually do lol
 
Sleep well xo
 
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