Floater's diary

[Llama]

Let me guess: if you let on how infuriating you find that you'll be labeled as "difficult" and possibly bad at deciding what you need? Finland clearly has a lot to learn where trans rights are concerned...

 

[Floater]

Let me guess: if you let on how infuriating you find that you'll be labeled as "difficult" and possibly bad at deciding what you need? Finland clearly has a lot to learn where trans rights are concerned...

This, to a T. They can and do postpone treatments for "non-compliant" trans folks. It's also kinda public knowledge that trans folks outside the workforce get put in the back of the line when compared to trans folks in the work force. And young trans folks have to wait longer than older folks. It's a joke

Buuuttt it's a joke I'm stuck with, so better adapt. There aren't any other options really.

 

[Cate]

I think G has abandoned trying to make sushi rolls & he loves cooking, so good for you. We're having sushi tomorrow though. I love it!

 

[Llama]

Not a very funny joke either... You're right though: you're stuck with it for now and raging against it will only drain your energy if you're doing it alone. When just openly existing as you are is subversive things can only get better for the next generation.

 

[Floater]

Rye bread and fried tofu with parsley for breakfast. Money's going to be tight until Thursday, but I use this as a motivation to get back on track. And I have plenty of stuff in the fridge.

Feeling really unpleasant in my body today. I NEED to get back to the gym. My muscles are cramping & aching from all the stress. Just gotta take things one day at a time!

 

[Floater]

I maxxed out on my ADHD meds today, got started with chores while assistance was over, and have kept myself busy changing the sheets, doing laundry, washing the bathroom, and meal prepping. I had a bowl of rice noodles in miso broth with tofu and edamame for lunch, and am now roasting spaghetti squash. Once the laundry is done, I'll hang them in the bathroom, wash the floors, wash the rags, and then FINALLY put drain opener into the bathroom sink - it's shedding season so it gets blocked pretty quickly.

I'm obviously keeping myself busy to escape my anxiety, but I also know that having a clean apartment and quick meal options in the fridge will help me get over the next few days. I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

 

[Floater]

Spaghetti squash and seeds in the background, in the bowl I have the rest of the squash, fresh yellow carrot, soy knots, mushrooms and cashew nuts in instant miso broth. A pretty nice meal even if I say so myself.

 

[Llama]

I'm obviously keeping myself busy to escape my anxiety, but I also know that having a clean apartment and quick meal options in the fridge will help me get over the next few days.

Sensible thinking. Stay afloat until things get easier again and see about direction once they do.

I have to remind myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Doesn´t even have to be a marathon. Could be a hike, or a stroll through the park. Nobody says you have to be in any specific place by any specific time.

 

[Floater]

Dinner is tinned tuna and red bell pepper sushi, and I will not need to recreate this. It's not bad, I seasoned the tuna well, but it's a bit of a struggle meal for sure.

 

[Llama]

It might look/feel less struggle-like if you put the tuna into the rolls and made a side salad out of the red pepper. possibly sprinkled with some black sesame if you´re not allergic.

 

[Floater]

It might look/feel less struggle-like if you put the tuna into the rolls and made a side salad out of the red pepper. possibly sprinkled with some black sesame if you´re not allergic.

I'm not allergic, but I'm broke until Friday so "luxuries" like scallion and new condiments will have to wait until then. I worded it a bit badly, the tuna is in the rolls with the red bell pepper and the rice, and the tuna is flavored with mirin and oyster sauce and hot sauce, it's just tinned tuna in general is a bit meh in sushi in my opinion. But I used up all the rice I had and got more practice in how to make the rolls less fugly.

No worries though, I can't buy food until Friday but I have plenty of stuff at home!

I also finally did something creative and wrote down a dream I had last night AND created a new folder for stuff like this, because it's super helpful for therapy to do some creative writing every now and then. A sort of a warm-up before I hopefully return to writing my novel, if you will!

Content warning: the dream contains the death of a child and depictions of guilt, shame and anxiety.

I had a super disturbing dream last night. It captivated these feelings of uselessness and shame really well.

In the dream I had started my transition. I was giving myself testosterone shots and going to an all male gym and clubhouse; it was in a huge, old villa, with a big courtyard with a balcony patio outside, a spacious, dark gym inside, and a backstage/greenroom with all sorts of equipment and props lying around. I was working out at the gym and meeting and greeting men I know from real life. In the mirror I still looked like a woman, but everyone treated me like a man and complimented me on my gains. It made me a little bit uncomfortable, as I didn't feel like I deserved these compliments.

At some point, some of the guys suggested I'd help them pull a prank. I felt so excited about being one of the guys that I agreed to it despite not being a big trickster usually. We went to the backroom, put the smoke machine on, shut the lights and raised the alarm. Chaos ensued, and we laughed, I wasn't feeling too good about it though, but played along.

One guy dashed into the backstage, screaming. He said he had brought his toddler son along, and he was missing. We turned off the smoke and turned on the lights. The child had died, crushed by equipment, his head had come off. I tried to prevent the father from seeing the corpse, but I was too late.

I was devastated by guilt, and furious at myself for my own stupidity. I had participated in something I never truly wanted to do, just to be accepted. As a result, a child was dead and a man's life ruined. I decided I didn't deserve to transition, I should live in this body as a punishment for my actions.

The gym was closed after the accident. I stayed back and took care of the premises like a ghoulish groundkeeper. Occasionally there would be guests, men and women, coming to the patio to sunbathe and have drinks and laugh at me. I had tasked myself with keeping the flowers and greenery on the patio alive, to at least have something grow and flourish in this haunted and ugly place. The guests would yell and snark at me and command me to move the potted plants around the patio to not disturb their view. I wanted to tell them the plants didn't like to be constantly moved, but I found I had lost my voice. I couldn't do anything but silently comply to their asinine and cruel requests, dragging the pots around the patio until my back was on fire.

There's a painting - several actually - by a Finnish painter called Hugo Simberg that deal with the theme of "Garden of Death". He was really into the idea of Death as a sad but benevolent character, tending to harvested souls in the afterlife. His idea of Death wasn't really that of a grim reaper mercilessly cutting people down, but a friend to the poor and the ill, someone to lead you to the other side. I think the gardening theme comes from my interest in his works as a child. We had a book about his art in the house, and two of his original litographies. I found great solace in the pictures in that book, however sad and dark they often were. Simberg wasn't a happy man, he lived a life riddled by syphilis and alcoholism. His works still had a spark of beauty to them and a sense of humanity. The dream felt very similar to his works. Even the color scheme in the patio garden was like from the painting I mentioned.

 

[Llama]

Waking up and realizing nothing had actually happened must have been a relief. Your dream kind of reminds me of a DS9 episode in which O'Brien is locked up in an alien prison. For 20 years he's alone in a tine dark cell with a friendly stranger. At times they're left to starve for long periods of time and sometimes they're tortured. One night when he's trying to sleep he sees his cellmate take a little food from a hiding place beneath the floor. Anger overcomes him and he bashes his friend's skull in with a rock. He's remorseful right away but the guy is dead. Right after he gets released and it turns out the entire 20 years were a simulation implanted into his mind as punishment for... (Can't remember what he did but he does some spy work occasionally so it's probably related to that.) Everything was fake except his reactions. Nothing really happened (they had to run the simulation for 20 years before they got him to crack!) but he's still racked with guilt, hallucinating about the little alien, and he ends up trying to kill himself. Which may have been the goal of the alien government: getting people to destroy themselves without technically giving the death penalty.
No idea where I'm going with this; I just found it a powerful episode at the time and your story reminded me of it. Back to your actual dream: it's an interesting one for sure and I'll bet you and your therapist will have a lot to talk about.

the tuna is in the rolls with the red bell pepper and the rice, and the tuna is flavored with mirin and oyster sauce and hot sauce,

That actually sounds very nice! Agreed that canned tuna doesn't scream sushi though. But I'm pretty sure I've had onigiri with canned fish and all the basic elements are the same, so...

 

[Floater]

@LaMaria , sounds like I need to get into DS9! But funny enough, I wasn't too distraught when I woke up. The dream had a very dream-like quality to it, the kind that allows you to re-surface into the material world knowing it was just a dream. I have always been interested in dreams and the subconscious, and this was definitely reinforced by my interest in meditation, in therapy and EMDR, and, erm, my certain psychonaut-style explorations during Uni

I think that the best thing about dreams is that they really are a sort of simulation. Evolutionarily speaking, it's thought that they are probably a way for the brain to rehearse for the real life. So everything we do a lot of, especially in learning stages, often appears in dreams. While I don't believe that there are universal symbols hidden in dreams, I do believe that we can "decode" our own psyche by trying to remember as much as possible about our dreams and then mapping any re-occurring symbols as time goes on. For me these are often colors and natural elements. Decapitation is often present in my dreams but not necessarily as a nightmare element, it can be something as simple as a bust style statue, but I think it has to do with how certain experiences can alienate oneself from the body. (Just like in this dream there was first the gym, a very "physical" environment with mirrors, then the obscurity of smoke and darkness, during which something bad happened and that contact to the physical body was lost; in other words, I was the child, like I was every character in the dream.)

Anyway, time to take the dog out and go to sleep - I have a video call with a trans nonprofit org tomorrow at 9AM. I'm sure I'll get good advice and feel better about the trans clinic call on Tuesday!

 

[Floater]

Late night snack: a hot bowl of tofu, edamame, thick rice noodles and nutritional yeast.

 

[Floater]

Breakfast: rice, spaghetti squash, mushrooms, cashews and bok choy pan-fried in sesame oil. Not a lot of protein but I felt like carbs and fibre this morning.

 

[Llama]

But funny enough, I wasn't too distraught when I woke up.

Weird how that goes: some mundane dreams will freak me out and some horror stories will leave me unaffected. Glad this one was of the latter category. Dreams are fascinating. I don´t think they can foretell the future or anything like that but what our brains do with them can definitely tell us something about what said brain is up to.

 

[Floater]

Satay tempeh bagel with striped beetroot and wilted bok choy, assembled and before assembly. This one turned out pretty.

 

[Floater]

Hm, I have to say that focusing more on vegs and good quality carbs (as part of proper meals) really works for me. It makes it easier to maintain a healthy meal schedule and, as a result of that, moderate portion sizes. Maybe I'll have to up my protein intake a bit once I get back to the gym, but I really feel so much nicer in my body right now even though my weight remains the same. My skin looks clearer and my gut is giving me way less trouble than before. I'll still keep the flexitarian approach for now, but I notice I don't crave stuff like cheese or processed meats anymore. Which probably means that my gut bacteria is starting to change. And it hasn't even been that many weeks of eating better.

 

[Floater]

Chickpeas and yuba in peanutbutter-spinach curry. I'm having it with leftover rice for dinner, the rest goes in the fridge and I'll have it with something else probably

 

[Llama]

Something that makes you feel good AND reduces cravings? Sounds good to me. If your protein isn't crazy low this way an extra protein shake once you start training again might be enough.