Floater's diary

Employability clinic meeting was a clusterfuck and I have no idea how to bounce back. I need to take tonight just to recover.
 
Today I´ve had a bad migraine but managed to pick up a bigger cage for Timo and jumoed some healthcare hoops to find out about my fertility status. Seemed appropriate for summer solstice and it´s now or never; I´m not getting younger. I should be able to get inseminated with safe sperm by the state unless they refuse based on eugenics and my autism, but if that´s not an option, I can hunt for private donors.

It sucks that being autistic I could not donate my own eggs because that would have been the dream, but I guess I could handle gestation and childbirth. There are other trans men who have given birth. Education is free in Finland and child support systems in general do exist and are mostly free for those who know where to look and have enough chutzpah to demand care.

If the migraine clears by tomorrow, I´ll hit the gym, if not, I´ll handle it. Today I did important stuff and filed a formal complaint about the employability evals doctor´s behavior too.
 
There is clearly midsummer magic in the air, because I got a call today from the contraceptive/fertility clinic and I have been approved for interviews. The process for me is similar as in the case of women who attempt to get a child flying solo. All the effort I´ve put into my health because I wanted and want to transition has made me fulfill all the health and weight criteria of the clinic. If I´m lucky, a clinical insemination will suffice; all my bloodwork is looking great and my cycle is reliable.

Biggest question is whether they consider me fit for parenthood but if the employability clinic considers me fit for work, and as I have psychotherapy and a psych clinic contact, and this country is in a dire need of babies, I have a hunch that things will work out just fine. If insemination doesn´t take and I need to get IVF, it´s a bit more costly and rough on the body but we´ll see. My mother had me at 37.

I´m still a man. I´ll just attempt to become a seahorse dad.
 
At the gym and forgot my program. Pretty sure it was incline BP and good mornings. Incline BP 30, 37,5 and 40 (x3)
 
Also good mornings 3x50, 3x70, 3x80. 80 wasn't worth it, couldn't do full ROM. needed dopamine so did a fourth set of 20x50kg. Then light delt stuff with dumbbells until failure.

Feeling some type of way. It's as if a switch has clicked. I'm not horny but I do want to procreate.

I guess it made sense I suppressed itfor so long because I grew up experiencing stuff that made me think it's downright wrong to make more kids just to suffer. But I am not my parents and my environment is very different now.

Yeah. Not gonna give up on life
 
I went horseback riding today! The horse was a steady gentleman, my friend whose horse has been living at the same stable (but is soon moving to another one) was impressed that I managed to get him to perform all gaits. But I´m glad he was glacial rather than a firecracker because I was wearing sneakers and it´s been 20+ years since my last time on horseback. It was delightful to notice that riding is a lot like riding the bike, my body remembered how it works. I hope I can see the horse, Ilmari, again, he was a darling teddy bear.
 
Forgot to say that my gym has switched to an app for entrance, and my phone doesn´t support it. The clerk (who was very cute btw) did contact the tech support for me, but I won´t be able to go to the gym until Monday. Hopefully they´´ll come up with a way to give me a physical card because my phone is ancient and might trap me inside the gym some night even if the app starts running ok. I feel nervous, because it´s likely/possible that the reason the app doesn´t work is related to me having my old name in the gym´s system, so if the app interacts with my banking info, it would show up as an error. If so, it´s definitely fixable but I´ll be outed to the front desk cutie pie. which may or may not gross him out.

Anyway. Went shopping for microwave meals and bought some chicken breast on discount. Baked them, they look god awful and pale as my ass cheeks, but it´s good protein for cheap.

Wrote a blog text. If someone wants to see how I look on horseback while wearing the slipperiest sneakers known to mankind and a BMX helmet, there´s a photo attached lol.

https://lahionoita.home.blog/2024/06/22/each-day-is-a-miracle/
 
Called the gym yesterday and it turns out my physical card should work after all because I had mentioned the risk of my phone dying earlier and I was given an exception but apparently not informed about it.... Lol I don´t mind. Gym tonight, cable chest presses and front squats. It´s hot out and UV levels are extremely high, so I´ll spend the afternoon fixing Timo´s bigger cage. It´s useful to do during th day so he´ll nap beneath Heikki´s cage instead of getting into trouble.

Feeling really happy. Lots of pregnancy dreams. I do remind myself that the dreams may not come true but I am happy to be in a place finally where I can acknowledge that it´s OK to dream about it and try it.
 
I set up a double enclosure for Timo yesterday! It took a lot of executive function and I´m dog tired. I still made it to the gym today.

First time after horseback riding and oh boy, I'm still not fully recovered from that!

Started to read about weight training while pregnant. I was bummed to learn that it won't help with postpartum incontinence. A C-section is hard to get in this country but I could always argue that my transness necessitates it.

Anyway. Feeling good.
 
Today I´ll attempt to DL 100kg and we´ll see how it goes. Usually I try to break PRs on one set and go lighter on others and my "light" sets should now be min 80kg. But as always, I will listen to my body, and take into account that I have still not fully recovered from horseback riding.

Other than the gym, I plan to take things easy today and just keep myself in a good mood. Going to a private fertility doc tomorrow.

Also, ordered a recorder which I´ll make sure to use when dealing with the public sector.
 
Meehhh I managed to do 3x80 kg but after that got completely gassed out when I tried to increase the load. Body just went lol nope and I decided to quit rather than force myself to an injury. My work ethic is usually impeccable so if I get the feeling that pushing it is a bad idea, it very likely is.
 
Ah, I´m glad I listened to my body because I just went to run some errands and barely made it home before I got the runs. Ew. I guess it´s either some kind of a virus or the heat is too taxing for my system.
 
Good and bad news about fertility treatments.

Good news: my ovaries are in a great shape for someone my age and a "good plus" shape in general.

Bad news: the doctor wants me to surrender my trans clinic records to her in order to continue.

I began to cry at that point. And I cried all the way home. I did book the mandatory therapist that the clinic has single people go to before treatments, and I took a glance at the records the doctor wants to see. There isn´t necessarily anything in them that would prevent me from getting fertility treatments per se. The stuff the clinic folks said to me on the phone was much, much worse than what they wrote. But it feels so devastating that first the clinic doesn´t allow me to transition because I might regret it later and might want to procreate, but then when I do want to procreate having finally found a semblance of peace with my body... The trans clinic still holds my life hostage.

The doctor will call me back on Monday. I will give her the permission to check my info and ask her to please call me ASAP so I can cancel the therapist instead of dishing out hundreds for an appointment that will not lead anywhere. I will need to tell her that some of the diagnostic codes the clinic used are wrong and have since been fixed.

At least I now know that my ovaries are doing great. But unfortunately, I may not be able to do anything with them.

I pray that I´ll die in my sleep.
 
Went to the gym last night and had a hearty cry after and I guess I should take the good news. My ovaries work for now.

What I can do to keep them working, well, eventually they won´t, but maintaining a healthy weight and exercising is thought to have an effect. So it´s important to not despair.

Gonna go for a quick walk now - did a lot of writing today - and after that I´ll do some cleaning and hit the gym. This is doable even though it doesn´t feel like that in the moment.
 
I had a really happy realization. Even though I haven´t medically transitioned, when I began to work towards it, I was able to fix my beer habit, lose weight, and get fit! So the self-acceptance and and the wish gave me a net positive when it comes to my health anyway.

I´m gonna take the wish of getting a kid and use it similarly. For my health. I can only do so much, but I can lose a bit of midsection chub, avoid sugar, stay reasonable with the caffeine (in Finland it´s not completely banned you just gotta drink less), take my vit D and 400mg of folate, and keep a happy, stress free attitude which knowing myself is NOT GONNA BE EASY but for a kid... I could do it.

Let´s say that my ovaries stay in shape for a natural pregnancy or insemination for two more years. After that, the likelihood of needing IVF increases. The total wall about that it 45. After that, no more treatments. But a lot can happen in a year or two.

Trans treatments after pregnancy are of course still perfectly possible although any surgery will have to wait because I don´t want to die on the table and leave a kid parentless. But fuck it. I can have this. It´s gonna take some patience.
 
Lighter DL day today:
Trusylver said:
it is 10 sets of 3. What it targets is the use of the ATP-PC energy system which provides your energy needs for around the first 6-8 seconds of exercise and recovers by around 80% in 45 seconds of rest. Basically isolating the energy system in a similar way you would isolate anaerobic or aerobic training for specific outcomes. Developing the explosive pull will carry over to the heavy days with the initial pull from the floor.
Click to expand...
Doing this, and this time doing it properly!

Feeling good. I made a big batch of egg drop soup and I´ll fry myself a nice steak in the evening.

Being in a kcal deficit does make me a bit weaker, noticed this at the gym yesterday, but it is important to do everything the doctor recommended to increase my chances. Gotta up my folic acid intake to 400g so I´ll see if my grocery delivery place has any and if not, I´ll get some from the pharmacy.

I´ve been writing daily now. As with most things, anything you do enough of gets kinda automated and writing feels incredibly easy in the moment. A bunch of new readers as well. It definitely paid off to switch to English for the increased reach. Novel is still waiting for the right moment to be continued but I know it´s around the corner.

It feels nice to be out of depression. I can have everything I dreamt of. It´s not too late for a baby, a career, and a body I feel belongs to me. All of those things will be out of the norm but what of it, that doesn´t mean they are any less than.
 
Fuck yes worked great with 60kg. I also did some agility exercises on the treadmill (walking backwards, criss cross, sideways) and it was fun. My baggy pants were bad for the job though! Spandex next time :)

Gonna up my cardio to aid in weight loss anyway so treadmill it is until the pool reopens :)
 
Therapy went well today, and he encouraged me about the pregnancy project. I´ll be wiser in a couple of hours after the fertility doc calls me. Added B12 and folate to my grocery list and D I already take daily as well as a multivitamin, but it doesn´t have enough of folate for the preparation for a pregnancy.

Tossed out my migraine prophylactics. They make me gain weight as they have an anticholinergic effect, AKA the stuff slows me down so I burn less. I have also not had a single migraine after I decided that the baby dream is now or never.

Informed the patient ombudsman that the trans clinic is now a threat to my procreative capacity and dug up fresh negative HIV and hepatite labs for the fertility doc who hadn´t been able to find them, and informed my psych that I´ve quit the migraine prophylactic, and that my depression and anxiety symptoms are not active.

I need to remember that even if the fertility doc tells me to wait for a bit longer, my ovaries are in a good shape for my age so it´s not a death sentence to my dream. And things may work out perfectly too, I won´t know until I´ve talked to her.
 
Promising! The doc told me she´ll ask a statement from my psychiatrist. She´ll also check the trans clinic statement which is bad news for me but she did allow me to contextualize it a bit so... Could go either way. Finances was a topic that was mentioned. How much it will effect my process is highly case by case. The doc told me to go see a therapist as initially planned, which I think is a good sign, because if she had already settled on denying the treatments, I think she would have asked me to wait until after the psychiatrist´s statement. So I´d say that while my chances are not looking excellent, things could be way worse and there´s no need to despair.

Gotta eat and hit the gym. Feeling hopeful!
 
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