Floater's diary

Phew. Off to the gym.

I guess... The thing is, it will never stop. No matter how many people I find who accept me as me, the fact is that there will always be those who will react aggressively to who I am. It doesn´t matter what I look like. To the people who want to hate, there is no point of transitioning at which my body and self become acceptable to them because they see my identity as the issue.

The tattoo artist I went to is 100% trans affirming. The issue is that because she told me to not talk about the initial tattoo experience, if my freeze or fawn responses activate, there will be a genuine risk of me doing something I´ll later regret and can´t be helped. Because I´m a CSA survivor, being told to not talk is never only connected to the particular context. It´s like... an override command, which she could not have known, but it does put me at risk.

I´m glad I have psychotherapy tomorrow.

I´ll buy protein drinks on my way to the gym and probably get a burger beforehand as well. I need high kcal stuff right now. Cleaning the boys´ cages is not gonna happen tonight because I need to be able to stay alert for that and in my current state I can not.

Tomorrow´s gonna be easier because it´s benefits payment day so I can buy food without worrying about running out of money.
 
I booked an appointment to a birth control clinic. Hopefully getting my IUD switched to a fresh one would erase my suicidal ideation every menstruation.
 
Haha, today I thought I was going to the clinic for a prescription for an IUD (because usually they test for STDs first, and patients have to buy the IUD themselves and then take it to the clinic for insertion), but I was informed that they can insert one right away, which they did. I hadn´t taken NSAIDs beforehand so it was even more uncomfortable than usually, but now it´s done and I should enjoy a relatively smooth menstrual cycle for the next five years!

I can´t swim in lakes or tubs for a week but I can go to the gym. Today I´ll try to DL 90 kg, and if it´s too much, I´ll do my best and see what happens. Some cramping is likely even though I took the NSAIDs as soon as I got home.
 
Update: I did manage to DL 90 KG two reps in a row, and four reps in total. I am very pleased, as it's more than my bodyweight. Next step is to work towards being able to finish a clean set, and then start to creep towards 100.

I have one week of my 6x6 meso left. After that I'm gonna do 3x3 and it's likely to help me get progress in my strength levels.

Today I've been very exhausted.
 
If you include a light day separate from your heavy DL day with a weight at roughly 50% of max 3 fast explosive reps using full power with a 45 second rest for 10 sets to improve the explosive pull from the floor and target improving your ATP-PC energy system.
 
Trusylver said:
If you include a light day separate from your heavy DL day with a weight at roughly 50% of max 3 fast explosive reps using full power with a 45 second rest for 10 sets to improve the explosive pull from the floor and target improving your ATP-PC energy system.
Click to expand...
Thanks Tru! I´ll do that <3 And report back on the progress :)
 
Not feeling quite 100%, not sure if emotional or still from the IUD insertion. Over the weekend I planned my next meso, which I decided to start today, as the last one would have ended at an awkward spot for my hormones anyway. It contains two DL days in the fashion Tru suggested, one lighter day in general with front squats and cable chest presses because those are just fun exercises, and the rest is heavy compounds.

I ordered takeout today, haven´t had any for months. Deleted the app right after, but as I had a full day by my standards, with employability evals in the morning and therapy after that, I felt like getting calories in was worth the extra cost. It´s raining hard outside so I need to wear a rain coat on my way to the gym. I think I´ll have a cup of coffee and bite the bullet. Today is only 3x3 dealifts - for my sanity this summer, I want to be able to go to the gym daily, so the daily workouts are short yet intense - so it´s psychologically easier to know that I just need to show up, warm up, move the bar up and down nine times with intent, and then I´ll get to go back home and be a zombie.

This week I need to give some blood samples and they need to be given between 7am-9am so that kinda sucks, but I´ll get it done. It´s important.
 
Hell yes!!! I did a warmup set with the bar, then 3x70 (I wasn't feeling very secure) and it was easy, then 3x90 which felt easy enough that I almost added +10, but I'm glad I didn't because the last 3x90 did go nice andclean but it was NOT easy.

Feels weird to walk home after such a quick sesh but on the other hand, I'll get to go again tomorrow :)
 
Today I squatted 3x70, 3x90, 3x90. I feel confident enough to aim for 100 next week. Last set felt easy enough.

Overhead presses: 3x30 was too easy, but 35 I only managed for two reps and the second took a bit of help from the knees. 32,5 went clean for 3 reps, so that's my current 3-rep max.

I could definitely notice that the squats had worn me down, because I had a hard time focusing, and almost started to squat the bar instead of overhead pressing it lol. It's interesting how differently strength training saps my energy when compared to hypertrophy stuff. I feel like a troglodyte walking out of the gym, literally nothing goes on in my nogging.

I had two protein drinks and a Taco Bell meal after the gym because I gotta give some blood samples tomorrowmorning and I need to be fasted for them. Very annoying.
 
Had 12 vials of blood taken and took a bio impedance reading, according to which I've gained 500g of muscle and 1,5 kg of fat. Then again, those machines probably aren't very accurate as it also claimed that my bodyfat percentage has remained the same. Surely the fat % should have gone up if the muscle/fat gain ratio is as stated above...?

Interested to see how the bloodwork turns out! Gonna walk home and take a nap now.
 
Ok interesting: the bioimpedance machine and the website consistently give slightly different results. I might be misreading the machine OR the data is processed in between the measurement and upload to the site. The site says 100g of increased muscle mass and 2,4 kg of increased fat mass. Then again, it also claims my waist circumference is 120 when it varies between 88-92 depending on how my IBS is doing.

Some bloodwork results have arrived, ferritin and D-vit and B-12 all good and so are the inflammation markers. Eagerly waiting for my cholesterol results because I'm around the age where family members have had to start statines.

Off to drop a package to the post, and after that I'm gonna go to the gym for bench press & bent over rows.
 
Damn. I'm coming down with something. Everything tastes gross and I have a herpes outbreak despite having been super diligent with sunscreen and moisturizing. Still made it to the gym.

Bench press: 3x35, 3x40, 3x40. I was being careful due to not feeling 100%, but now I know that 40kg is a safe baseline and I won't go under it anymore. 35 was not enough stimulus. 40 was safe enough that I could do it while slightly unwell.

Barbell bent rows: 3x40, 3x45, 3x50. I only started doing BB bent rows this spring so the development has been quick. I'd say that 50 was still easy enough that I'm gonna use it as a baseline.

Now gonna take my migraine meds and hope to fall asleep soon. Feeling very sad that I missed my opportunity to donate eggs. I should have done it between getting into Uni and getting my autism evals done. It's a valid regret and a valid grief, and I will be sad about it until I've processed it and can move on.
 
Slept until noon. Lymph nodes swollen and an unusually bad herpes break so I probably have to take a day off gym. Annoying.

Not happy about my waistline today. I´ve been under a lot of stress lately, and it affects my ability to stay disciplined with my meal schedule. But there´s also always a psychological element to this. I feel waful about my body because I´m sick and I can´t go to the gym today, so I feel out of control.

Gonna have some yogurt and coffee and then go for a little walk and see how my body handles it
 
Yesterday I wad feeling pretty rough but the lymph nodes are no longer swollen. Herpes outbreak is pretty gnarly but other than that I feel pretty much normal, albeit tired, so I´ll wait for the uv levels to drop a bit and then hit the gym.

Today´s lighter DL day, I´ll try to do 3x10 with 45 sec breaks with 50kg and if it feels too much, I´ll drop to 45 kg. 45 would be 50% of my current three rep max, so in order to stay faithful to @Trusylver ´s advice 45 would be the correct option here, but I just need to see if it´s doable with 50, as I want to bump my DLs to 100kg next week if at all possible. We´ll see if I´ll get humbled or not :D
 
@Trusylver , I got a bit carried away and ended up doing 6 sets of 10 explosive reps with 50kg. I decided to stop at that because the bar started to make some noise on the way down and I hadn't thought to put the crash pads down. I know you said to do 3 sets but it just felt too good 😆😅 Did I go too easy regarding intensity? Should 3x10 have been sufficiently tiring for me to not go for longer? (I guess the GVT meso really did effect my volume tolerance!)
 
Reminder to self to stockpile Pirkka store-brand cookies & cream protein bars. 168kcal per bar, 13g of carbs of which 1,7 sugars and 14g of protein. Artificially sweetened, which I usually avoid because most sweeteners are rough on my gut, but I quite liked that it wasn´t super sweet. The light is killing my appetite and that never leads to sensible or sustainable weight loss but rather a cycling between lethargy and bad food choices. Having something I can get the eating business started with is useful. Gonna have some rice and kimchi next. I have some eggs in the fridge I need to give the float test.
 
Floater said:
@Trusylver , I got a bit carried away and ended up doing 6 sets of 10 explosive reps with 50kg. I decided to stop at that because the bar started to make some noise on the way down and I hadn't thought to put the crash pads down. I know you said to do 3 sets but it just felt too good 😆😅 Did I go too easy regarding intensity? Should 3x10 have been sufficiently tiring for me to not go for longer? (I guess the GVT meso really did effect my volume tolerance!)
Click to expand...
it is 10 sets of 3. What it targets is the use of the ATP-PC energy system which provides your energy needs for around the first 6-8 seconds of exercise and recovers by around 80% in 45 seconds of rest. Basically isolating the energy system in a similar way you would isolate anaerobic or aerobic training for specific outcomes. Developing the explosive pull will carry over to the heavy days with the initial pull from the floor.
 
Trusylver said:
it is 10 sets of 3. What it targets is the use of the ATP-PC energy system which provides your energy needs for around the first 6-8 seconds of exercise and recovers by around 80% in 45 seconds of rest. Basically isolating the energy system in a similar way you would isolate anaerobic or aerobic training for specific outcomes. Developing the explosive pull will carry over to the heavy days with the initial pull from the floor.
Click to expand...
Ah, thank you! So I messed up the intended exercise, but hey, I'll be wiser next week. 💐
 
Today I've been feeling very unwell mentally speaking. Went for a walk, did some drawing. Didn't feel like gym. Tomorrow I have therapy, an online meeting with a summer worker for the autism assistance org, and then gym. Employability evals doc on Tue. Just got out of a shower.
 
Therapy was good today... But good in the sense that I cried a lot. I´ve been very active doing my writing assignments and publishing them in my blog. My therapist encourages me to keep looking for options, anything, when it comes to my reproductive rights/possibilities. I do agree that it´s at least best to give up knowing that every option has been exhausted.

Physically a bit unwell with a bad herpes outbreak, but I did my chores and cleaned my chinchillas´ cages and ate as balanced as I could. After the employability evals thing is all sorted out, I can get back to the gym. But now: shower and clean sheets await me!
 
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