Floater's diary

Cate said:
I was wondering.
I think I feel some relief.
🥰
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Yeah me too. I'm a stupid oaf. Should have called it quits the first time I felt weird about him.
 
You know what, friends? I well and truly learned something. Being authentic to myself comes with risks. Some people perceive it as brokenness but it doesn't matter, because being broken is what I am. That's because of my trauma. But my trans identity is the crack that becomes an armor. I was able to sniff out the danger early, because it gives me a simple litmus test for respect.

I am fine with my body as is. In my own way, I'm a stunner. It's deeper than my skin or weight. It's my spirit.

I hope the asshat didn't give me anything. If he did, I'll deal with it. No more copping out and dreaming of Stepfordcore as a solution to my problems.

Living authentically to myself gave me sobriety and weight loss. It will also give me the most rewarding relationship to other people.
 
Floater said:
You know what, friends? I well and truly learned something. Being authentic to myself comes with risks. Some people perceive it as brokenness but it doesn't matter, because being broken is what I am. That's because of my trauma. But my trans identity is the crack that becomes an armor. I was able to sniff out the danger early, because it gives me a simple litmus test for respect.

I am fine with my body as is. In my own way, I'm a stunner. It's deeper than my skin or weight. It's my spirit.

I hope the asshat didn't give me anything. If he did, I'll deal with it. No more copping out and dreaming of Stepfordcore as a solution to my problems.

Living authentically to myself gave me sobriety and weight loss. It will also give me the most rewarding relationship to other people.
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Love, love, love this! 👏 🥰
Floater said:
I'm a stupid oaf.
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..but not this.
If someone wants to change who you are then you know they are not for you, friends or anything else.
 
Cate said:
Love, love, love this! 👏 🥰

..but not this.
If someone wants to change who you are then you know they are not for you, friends or anything else.
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Yeah it's not easy to only see the lesson in a bad experience. But my confidence will grow.

Breakfast was extra lovely today - a cheese and salami sandwich and some chocolate. I may need to make a habit of having a high-kcal breakfast. I feel like I'm powered by flight kerosine lol
 
I feel filthy after having fd that creep. But that´s just life.

Yesterday I cried and ate chocolate. Today I´ll hit the gym. I can´t not live authentically to myself. No more compromises and no more placating worthless cis men. If my true self is too much for them, that just means they are too small for me.
 
I think I will wean myself off all human contact except professional. Every time I trust I suffer. I should never have been born.

At the gym now.

Only 40 more years or so. I'm sure there will be glimpses of light along the way. But humanity won't give those glimpses to me. I have to become emotionally completely self reliant.
 
Did a quick workout and bought a spicy chicken griller to go.

I want to vomit anytime I think about the creep I let into my home and my body. People suck.
 
Bad joint pain. I must be so dissociated that I messed something up during my workout. Took a shower, had a banana and a protein drink.

It´s time to grow up. My life is like this. Working out and eating. It´s enough. Many people would give anything to have my life. So I am happy alone. Only 1,5 weeks and I can order the home STD kit.
 
Lunch was spaghetti and tuna, aqua jogged for 90 mins, snack: banana, now waiting for a big batch of minced meat and soy stew to be done.
 
Lately, I haven't been getting as much fiber as I should be getting so I'll buy more dried fruit when on my way back from the gym. I have fruit in the freezer... Need to get back to cooking at home. At the height of summer, microwave meals were convenient to not heat up the apartment, but fall is coming.

My plan for losing the next 5 kg is: Red Bull as a special treat only, switch bread and toppings to bananas, focus on protein and fiber.

I'm starting to look kinda good in the mirror and it helps if I look at my chest and groin not as "feminine" but just, well, anatomically there. I can't allow dysphoria to keep me from feeling like my body matters.

The results are speaking for themselves, didn't get chub rub once this summer. I can comfortably perch on top of my kitchen barstools at home. It's the little things that matter the most.
 
Noticing those changes makes such a difference. Keep up the good work. Decent bread and toppings do give you more than carbs, by the way, so unless you only eat them for comfort bananas probably aren't a full substitute.
 
Llama said:
Noticing those changes makes such a difference. Keep up the good work. Decent bread and toppings do give you more than carbs, by the way, so unless you only eat them for comfort bananas probably aren't a full substitute.
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Sure but I plan to use bananas as cheap and sodium free bread alternative for carbs while getting the stuff that toppings would contain from hot meals if that makes sense?

Breakfast: a banana. Lunch: store-bought salmon soup, a banana. Then gym.
 
Post-workout meal: a Taco Bell chicken griller and a beef taco
 
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