Floater's diary

Floater said:
Of course not! I write for myself. Skipping things is more than ok!
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On the other hand maybe I´m wrong and should just stop writing. I think I´ll do that. The mirror reminds me daily that I´m a monster anyway.
 
Writing in my diary is my therapy & has become such a part of my life that it would feel weird not to do it. This is your space, Arvo.
Your mirror does not reflect a monster :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Writing in my diary is my therapy & has become such a part of my life that it would feel weird not to do it. This is your space, Arvo.
Your mirror does not reflect a monster :grouphug:
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I really hope you are right. It´s devastating to look at the spiral I´m in.
 
Had lettuce and chicken wraps during last night (insomnia) as well as nuts and dates. Fell asleep at 11AM. Couldn´t speak to the assistance person who popped by at 10, just hid in the other room until she left. Can´t explain it to anyone. Just being seen is too much.

Slept until 4 PM. Just sat on my bed paralyzed for hours. Let Heikki for his daily playtime around 6 PM. Had one portion of quark dessert. Showered. Just had a bowl of soup. Don´t think I´ll sleep tonight. Maybe late night gym? IDK. I don´t know what to do. I think things will eventually get easier though I´m not sure how.
 
Had celery, dates, chicken, and cheese. I think I´ll go for a walk to the 24/7 grocery and get lettuce, mozzarella, more chicken, and dried fruit.
 
Floater said:
I really hope you are right. It´s devastating to look at the spiral I´m in.
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I know that you're not a monster. You are having a bloody rough time but you will get through this & you still have your life ahead of you. Meanwhile, keep looking after yourself please :grouphug:
 
@Cate :grouphug:

Did that walk and got three packs of lettuce, ham, chicken, mozzarella, Emmental, apple cinnamon pancakes, flatbread, and maple syrup as well as a bag of dried cranberry and a bag of dried mango. Right now I need to keep palatable foods around, and focus should be on getting enough protein and veggies.

I was ashamed to mention it earlier but I bought two lipsticks online last night. I think I´ll quit using nicotine spray for a bit because I need to keep my appetite up. Two lipsticks cost the same as two nicotine sprays. I was a bit confused still - I don´t want to be perceived feminine so why did it feel important to buy them? But I think it´s a way to raise a middle finger to the world. Their perception of me doesn´t matter. The lipsticks I bought are pale nude and dark oxblood. I´ll layer them into a gothy look with pale lips stained in the middle. And skip everything else. It won´t look feminine, it will look like warpaint.

I have to accept that with my list of diagnoses, transitioning medically was never going to be easy. Not even if I only met the most compassionate professionals. It has to do with powers I have no control over. So I need to be prepared to spend quite a long time in a body that looks very feminine. I would rather wear something on my face that communicates I can´t be shamed for my perceived femininity, that I own it and recognize my power instead of my limitations.

My power and my good parts are not easily translated into the language of my society. Work and pulling one´s own weight are the treshhold of personhood. I can´t do those things. I need help just to survive. So I need to be able to be as happy in my body as I can. I´d rather be seen as a witch than a half-baked fake man. My body is a costume, so I need to turn it into a costume party. Not in the consumerist sense but the practical one.

I´m going to be OK. This will take time but I´ll be OK. And having taken charge of my physical health feels good. I may not look manly but I´m hella strong.
 
A box of apple cinnamon pancakes with marg & maple syrup. Going to make some coffee and go for another walk soon.
 
Had an early morning walk and bought some more (sensible) groceries, also snack cakes and Red Bull I had before getting a nap before psychotherapy. Now resting for a bit, and then I'm going to have a bowl of soup.
 
I ended up sleeping from around 3.30PM to 7.30 PM and had that aforementioned bowl of soup. Therapy was really good. I think a nap after was a great choice because sleep is when the brain learns new stuff. The equality ombudsman contacted me and I´ll send them the rest of my trans clinic paperwork tomorrow. It will be handled in a meeting this Friday but the ombudsman said I can send the stuff over later if I can´t do it before this Friday. It makes me feel like I´m being taken seriously and it helps me tremendously.

Now I´ll get up from the computer and vacuum and clean Heikki´s cage.
 
Vacuuming and cage maintenance all done. I had to pull off a few matted tufts of hair from Heikki´s backside and he did not like it one bit and honked at me. I bribed him with one dried cranberry and all my sins were forgiven lol. (I checked and they are safe for chinchillas but should not be given frequently due to high sugar content. But as he´s on the skinnier side, and the mats are a real issue if left there for too long because they can cause fur chewing and intestinal blockages, this was a Mary Poppins moment to help the medicine go down. He was so cute when gnawing at the cranberry, oh my heart!)

Snack: quark, blueberries, soyflakes, chili flakes, a bit of sugar.
 
Floater said:
I ended up sleeping from around 3.30PM to 7.30 PM and had that aforementioned bowl of soup. Therapy was really good. I think a nap after was a great choice because sleep is when the brain learns new stuff. The equality ombudsman contacted me and I´ll send them the rest of my trans clinic paperwork tomorrow. It will be handled in a meeting this Friday but the ombudsman said I can send the stuff over later if I can´t do it before this Friday. It makes me feel like I´m being taken seriously and it helps me tremendously.
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That is really good news, Arvo. I thought it might take forever to hear back from them!
Floater said:
Vacuuming and cage maintenance all done. I had to pull off a few matted tufts of hair from Heikki´s backside and he did not like it one bit and honked at me. I bribed him with one dried cranberry and all my sins were forgiven lol....
This was a Mary Poppins moment to help the medicine go down. He was so cute when gnawing at the cranberry, oh my heart!)
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I could picture that scene. So funny. Heikki is so cute :beating:
 
Lettuce, mustard ham, cheese, flatbread, dried mango. My grocery bills recently are excessive but right now I need to stay well fed, and I choose nutrition-dense stuff. I haven´t been gaining so I´m probably eating the right amount by that logic. I think Ill go buy more dried mango and dates.
 
Thanks for reminding me about blue cheese & celery. Yum!
 
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