Floater's diary

Llama said:
:hurray: General cardio, improved leg strength, plus a little less weight would absolutely translate into an easier time walking/running up stairs. Definitely not easier on the knees than normal running though, no matter how slowly you take it.
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Yeah I just want to be able to run a few blocks if I ever run across a gaggle of neo nazis. Right now it's not a problem because I look like a blonde woman but when I get on HRT, I gotta be prepared... Also, I'm happy about my cardio progress and strength, but I need to start maintaining my explosive muscle strength (IDK what it is in English) as it starts to go downhill after 30 and my exercise routine doesn't really have much to support that.
 
Lunch: tuna and spaghetti with scallions. Hopefully I could nap after...
 
Prepped more blackcurrant, ground cherry, soy flake, quark and honey snacks - I´ll just call them quark desserts for shortness´ sake. Had one banana and 1dl of quark with honey as a snack. Made them a bit bigger than last time. My portion sizes tend to be too small whenever I eat high fuirt & veg. I´ll go grocery shopping tomorrow. Today I just need my space.

I ordered a sweater jacket form H&M and I think I´m going to keep it. It´s made out of some sort of plastic which I don´t usually like, but it´s moisture wicking and I wore it during chores and am not sweaty at all. It´s cropped so it covers the chesticles, but is much cooler than full length sweatshirts. And the sleeves are long enough that I can pull them over my hands in sunny weather for sun protection (I can´t stand sunscreen on my hands). For 35 euros it´s not fashion week but it doesn´t need to be.
 
I did make it downstairs and smelled the jasmine bushes next to my apartment building. Then got up and called a mental health help line because it´s probably an OCD symptom to have the idea of not speaking for a month. The person agreed.

Jesus Christ I´m crazy.

Going to have buttered spaghetti and try to sleep.
 
Prepping soup with ginger, garlic, green apple, red bell pepper, celery, tomatoes, soy chunks, beans, and lamb sausage.
 
Soup is chilling in the fridge, I added a pack of smetana to it. Taste testing revealed it to be really salty but I can add water to the individual portions. Or cucumber chunks, corn, something to cut the saltiness.

Snack: quark dessert.
 
Six Brazil nuts, two buttered microwaved rolls. I need to eat less fiber for a bit, my gut is acting up.

EDIT: I might get ice cream. 87 on a full belly today which means my true weight is under 86. I'm under so much stress that I need something easily digestible.
 
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I´m stoned and I just had a revelation of sorts. I have to make a covenance with my body. And my body has to make a covenance with my mind. It doesn´t mean I´m not trans and it doesn´t mean I wouldn´t pursue HRT and surgery. This is a common goal that benefits both. A peace settlement. I have split, mind and body, not only due to childhood trauma but also the fact that my body and mind reject each other like a transplant and host. The origin of my eating disorder is there. And it´s important to me that I am allowed to write down all my psychological torment here because the only way to proceed is to become aware of how I function. It´s like marriage.

The process is agonizing for both mind and body but the end goal is worth pursuing. So when I suffer and lash out or ramble, it´s like psychological diarrhea. Something around me needs to change before my mind settles, just like a stomach ache. Pain is always sign that something´s wrong. And I reacted strongly to unjust individuals. And faced injustice. I can´t change this personality trait. I am not always righteous. But I try to be. Body shit, mind shit, no difference. Both require action.
 
Floater said:
And it´s important to me that I am allowed to write down all my psychological torment here because the only way to proceed is to become aware of how I function. It´s like marriage.
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I agree that journaling can be very helpful but tbh your processing is a harrowing read at times. I hope you don't mind me skipping the more in-depth posts.
 
Llama said:
I agree that journaling can be very helpful but tbh your processing is a harrowing read at times. I hope you don't mind me skipping the more in-depth posts.
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Of course not! I write for myself. Skipping things is more than ok!
 
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