Floater's diary

Cate said:
Arvo, I have replied to your pm. Please take good care of yourself because we care about you. Very much. :grouphug:
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I noticed, thanks forum mom, sorry about being a dramatic little shit lately. Not your fault. Gonna have a bowl of cold soup and 100g of chicken and try to rest a bit even if I can´t sleep.
 
Couldn't sleep. 100g of chicken for breakfast.
 
Black coffee.

Trying to bring myself to a saner mindset teathered in reality. Why do I react this strongly to being "fridged" from the trans clinic for for 12 months? Well (aside the obvious), what fucked with my brain was reading the doctor's statement where she pretty much made my good headspace sound delusional. Because I had told her that transitioning socially has gotten me back into eating healthy and exercising. Somehow she was able to make even that sound bad by writing "patient goes on tangents explaining how well they are doing which is not plausible as they are also on disability" and "patient says they eat 'as one should on testosterone'". What I actually had said is that because HRT can increase the risk of high BP, liver issues and such, I have already adapted my eating habits to support future HRT. Because, like, it shows understanding of the risks and that I'm doing everything in my power to make transitioning as safe as I can, and I see no reason to wait until I'm on the meds to fix my lifestyle. I've been plagued by self doubt that maybe I just didn't express myself well enough, as lack of communication skills were one of the listed reasons why I can't proceed.

I think it's plausible though that this wasn't about me lacking communication skills but rather that no matter what I would have said, the end result would have been the fridging. It IS concerning that I felt enough shame to want to punish myself for what happened. But the outcome is the same anyway. Whether on T or not, a healthy and kcal-sufficient diet is one of the cornerstones of overall health. I can't internalize the doctor's shitty attitude and destroy all the progress I've made. And it's not my body's fault that it's running on the wrong hormones. Let's say I did get on T at some point but it turned out that despite a healthy diet and exercise it just wouldn't agree with my metabolism. Would I give up my healthy habits because medically transitioning wouldn't be possible? No. I would have tried my best. So this is the same situation. It hurts more because it was decided by someone who clearly did not have my best interests in mind. But I did do my best.

I'm finally starting to recognize my own thoughts as mine. Didn't sleep a wink so swimming may not be realistic today but I have until 3PM to decide about that. I think that today I'll call my bank and ask them why they charged 4x my usual student loan back payments this month. Must be a system error. I tried calling them yesterday but their loans number was closed. So maybe today I'll find out. Stressful!
 
Very stressful :grouphug:

I've been plagued by self doubt that maybe I just didn't express myself well enough, as lack of communication skills were one of the listed reasons why I can't proceed.

I think it's plausible though that this wasn't about me lacking communication skills but rather that no matter what I would have said, the end result would have been the fridging.

Was this the doctor you spoke with last? Because I think you mentioned the decision had already been made when that conversation happened so given everything that happened it's possible they went into it looking for soundbites to justify that decision. But if you're unsure you could ask the assistance person you had with you. That's part of why you brought them, right?
 
Different doctor. Autism assistance person was with me on both calls. It is part why they were with me yes, and they say I could not have done anything and were fuming. But my brain still tells me it's my fault. I have a reoccurring flashback of the first doctor telling me that after what Sex Nurse wrote about me, "no psychiatrist in this country will ever diagnose you as being transgender". The head of the clinic called me after that and said that transitioning is "also a social thing" and because I lack social skills, I can't transition.
 
The 500€ payment is student loan interests. I am not going to survive this.

EDIT: I think I gotta start looking into moving into assisted living. I'm too stupid, crazy and disabled to be left to roam. I was an idiot for thinking things could get better. They won't.
 
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I managed to doze off for 4, maybe 5 hrs. Physically I feel like shit, but mentally a tiny bit better. I try to remind myself that sleep deprivation is a legitimate torture method, among other things, so it's no wonder my brain has been in a strange place. Still embarassed.
 
Having a microwaved tortilla with marg & cheese and a bowl of soup. I need a shower... IDK about you guys, but when I'm stressed I can smell it on my skin, and even my piss has a weird plasticky stink to it. Must be hormonal. Eating feels unpleasant but I gotta do it unless I want to become a resident of Crazytown.
 
Just finished eating and I feel better.

The 500€ interests payment had to be paid somehow, so I grabbed my phone and asked my father if he could help me out by loaning me the money. He could. I feel bad about it, but my parents are financially well off - and from a financial standpoint it's better for me to be indebted to them than to the bank. Otherwise it's student loans + interests + interests of interests.

Now the next thing is to wait for autumn and a referral to the psychiatric outpatient clinic. I will explain to them that no matter how hard I try, I don't believe I can ever function well enough to handle my own affairs as an adult. It's not impossible that after 5 years on periodically renewed disability pensions, they'll evaluate me fit for permanent pension. If this happens, the state will pay my student loans to the bank and I can pay back the 500€ loan I took from my father in five months. I hope I don't sound like a lazy fuck. This isn't me gaming the system. I genuinely need help. I didn't have proper diagnoses in my 20s when I accumulated those student loans. I could never have dreamt that I would end up not being able to participate in the work force.

I also sent a request to the disability services for a financial caretaker. The loss of financial autonomy is gonna suck hard. But it sucks even harder to run into these situations where my mental health gets shattered by something I lack the skills to cope with. Knowing that some social worker sees my every purchase and handles my finances may be a dent to my pride, but it's still better than to try and adult with a child's knowledge of the world. The ramblings I've shat all around this forum for the past month or so paint a pretty clear picture of where I'm at mentally, and it's time to face the music.

Scales were at 85,8 kg before eating. I may have lost access to trans healthcare, but I gotta keep caring for my body. I can sustainably hit 80kg by the Autumn Equinox if I put my mind to it. Weight loss doesn't erase my gender dysphoria, but being chubby definitely made it way worse than it is now. And no matter how bad I feel about my life and choices, not even this shitshow made me want to drink, so at least I have that to be proud of.
 
Snack: a banana, 100g of ham. I´ve done chores, now I only need to clean up Heikki´s cage but I need a snack first
 
100g of ham, a flour tortilla with marg & cheese. My stomach hurts from anxiety but I have survived so much worse.
 
Arvo, are you able to get financial assistance/advice from the disability services without signing over authority? You seem to have been coping fairly well until recently. Stress is awful & you have been dealt a huge blow by the clinic. Applying for a permanent disability pension sounds like a sensible idea. They are there for a reason. Would it be more money or the same but without having to constantly reapply?
You have good reason to be proud of not drinking through all of this. Keep looking after that body of yours. It deserves to be nurtured & nourished xo
 
@Cate permanent disability is the same amount of money, but without yearly reapplications. So it would take a lot of stress out of my life and also there are some costs related to doctor's statements that I would no longer need to worry about.

I called the disability services and they suggested I avoid signing over authority. As you said, stress makes everything seem worse so maybe I can have some better ideas once I feel a bit more secure in my ability handle my stuff.

Slept surprisingly well, probably because the weather changed and the sky is now covered in heavy clouds and it's a bit cooler & comfier and darker. It looks like rain, which is great. Breakfast: a banana, a bowl of soup and a bowl of pineapple. I need to cook today and go buy eggs and some kind of protein for the soup.
 
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Llama said:
I'm glad you managed to fight your way back to the surface for some air :grouphug:
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Thanks. I feel really ashamed about where I was mentally but that´s... An illness. I can´t be angry at myself for psychological suffering. It´s no different from physical pain or injury.

Snack: 133ml can of Red Bull. Wen grocery shopping, going to prep some boiled eggs now and have lunch in a bit.
 
Lunch: quesadilla with scallions, turkey, cheese and hot sauce, quark with frozen blackcurrants, soy flakes and honey
 
Did some painting. I noticed there´s an art exhibit for disabled artists that the deadline for applications is on 31.8. - I think I´ll apply. I could do a series of smaller works or a few big ones... IDK. We´ll see!

Snack: one banana, two soft boiled eggs, one RedBull. Wrote down the serving size wrong earlier, one can is 250ml and has a bit under 150kcals. Who would have thought that eating sufficiently makes me feel much more at peace about my life and situations lol
 
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I need to cook dinner - I´m thinking soup out of fatty ham, soy chunks, garlic, tomatoes, bulgur and edamame. While it´s cooking I´ll have the remaining portion of quark, blackcurrants, soy flakes and honey

EDIT: soup turned out really nice, I used spinach instead of edamame because soy+ soy felt like overdoing it, and also used up my carrots that were starting to grow roots in my fridge.
 
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Yay for nourishing your body! Making something for an art exhibit sounds like a great project.
 
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