Floater's diary

Uhhhh I don´t even know where to start with this. A couple hours ago I read the statement written about me by the trans clinic doctor, who, btw, has never seen me in person. The statement consists of a bunch of internally conflicting statements, blatant lies, and on top of everything I´m already mentioned to have been booted tf out of the clinic, which is contrary to what I was told during the meeting. They are prioritizing the sex nurse´s nonsense over the proper interviews and stating that it´s "concerning" how dissimilar the two statements are. Like, duh, the first one was written by an incompetent hag with powertripping issues, and the second one by someone capable of professional conduct. The fact that they are prioritizing the first one is... Absurd.

My reactions went from disbelief to confusion to nausea to anger. Now I just have a splitting migraine and a furious resolve. I probably can´t prevent being booted out of the clinic but I´m going to make my stance absolutely clear. The only reason they refuse to consult my psychotherapist or to let me see a psychiatrist or a psychologist is because they know that would make it clear the sex nurse is an unprofessional liar. I´ll also tell them that I have contacted both the patient ombudsman and the equality ombudsman and that while they can make my life unpleasant by denying me a proper process and proper treatment, in the end this will only make THEIR situation worse, because anyone with legal knowledge can tell that my process has been sabotaged by two women who are friends in their private lives and try to pass that as collegiality.

Had a chocolate mousse to wash down my painkillers. But hey: even this hasn´t made me want to drink so I´d say I´m pretty badass.
 
Celery, cheese, and crackers
 
"But hey: even this hasn´t made me want to drink so I´d say I´m pretty badass."
The grasshopper mouse is not intimidated.
You totally are badass, Arvo!
 
I understand why you’re diving into the ice cream bucket but try not to undo all of your good work Arvo. You have been doing so well looking after yourself. Sending you a great big hug :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
I understand why you’re diving into the ice cream bucket but try not to undo all of your good work Arvo. You have been doing so well looking after yourself. Sending you a great big hug :grouphug:
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Now this I did not appreciate.

Good bye
 
Cate said:
I understand why you’re diving into the ice cream bucket but try not to undo all of your good work Arvo. You have been doing so well looking after yourself. Sending you a great big hug :grouphug:
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Now that I have brushed my teeth.

Get a grip. I'm at a situation where trans people are at tgeir highest suicide risk and YOU ARE GETTING SASSY OVER ICE CREAM?!?! REALLY?

Look at your own waistline. Then at my progress. My fucking exercise routine. Then come back humiliating me about ICE CREAM.

I would cuss you out but you are geriatric so it would be wrong.
 
Arvo. I think you know that I really do care about you. I am proud of you & everything that you do. I am not as strong as you. If you want to lash out at me & it makes you feel better about all the shit you have to put up with, then I can cope with that. I can’t even imagine how your life must be, but I try & my intentions are kind & well intentioned. I am very sorry that I have upset you.
 
It´s fine don´t worry about it, I´ll take some time off and return when it´s time to log in daily meals of grass and twigs when I get back to actively losing weight again
 
No time to mourn my losses. Plan for the latter half of 2023:

- maintain current weight (86-87 kg) for June and July. Helps the skin snap back and also right now a kcal deficit is not sustainable in terms of mental health. Keep exercise routine fairly lax compared to usual routine.

- in August, get back to weight loss. It will be easier in August as the longer nights will start to increase my appetite and improve my sleeping. Also aches and pains get less prominent as the air gets cooler. Between December 2022 and April I went from 97 to 87 kg. This time I have less than 10kg to lose and I have had a maintenance phase in between so theoretically it should be fairly easily done.

For now I may not be very active here. As long as I get 1800-2000 kcals per day and eat some sort of veggies and enough protein daily to sustain my muscle mass, I don´t really care where the calories come from. Midsummer is always bad and I have had daily migraines for weeks now.

Emotions right now are not useful and neither is seeking out human connection. Stay on my own until the shock waves have settled and then improve the body in ways I have access to. I knew it would get hard and I still got started. Not going to stop.
 
Good news: the health clinic service coordinator was very empathetic when I told her that according to my psychotherapist I've gone through a new traumatic experience at the trans clinic, and will inform my GP to refer me to the psych clinic so I'll be helped when the shock wears off and emotions return.

I'll be OK.

Haven't eaten much lately. Frozen fruit and cottage cheese and not really anything else. It's OK. I just gotta rest. Everything will sort itself out eventually
 
I am happy and at peace of sorts. Three years ago I understood I´ll probably never work again. And today I understood that I won´t get to transition. Both of these things are due to the circumstances I grew up in and the way my brain was set up when I was still in my mother´s womb. It is useless to try and win against odds that are stacked up against me. I have never been a gambler, but my belief that I could have a chance at reaching things that are not meant for people like me was not unlike a gambler´s belief that they can win against the house.

There´s no winning against the house. The house is the world.

The only thing I have left now is weight loss. But I know that what I´m doing now to help myself cope with the fact that I´m imprisoned in this body for the rest of my life with no access to health care is not something the world needs to know anything about. Being trans isn´t contagious, but eating disorders are. And what I´m doing to my body does not need to become someone else´s thinspo. What my body needs is to become undone. My mind already is
 
Floater said:
The only thing I have left now is weight loss. But I know that what I´m doing now to help myself cope with the fact that I´m imprisoned in this body for the rest of my life with no access to health care ---

What my body needs is to become undone.
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This pattern of thought is still very tempting and I´ve been restricting hard. I notice it´s making my OCD and anxiety worse to the point where I´m terrified of eating. I´ve also stopped sleeping because my body wants food that bad. So I guess I have no choice but to start writing down what I eat again and if someone says the food is making me fat I just have to hop on the scale and not let the fear get me because EDs are not an effective way out - too slow, someone would intervene, and then that would be on my permanent health record and push any hope of transitioning even further.

Aqua jogged for 60 mins and swam for 15 two days ago. Gym yesterday as well as 2 hours of walking in the evening. Today I´ll go for a walk. Tomorrow I´ll go for a swim.

Today I have eaten 100g of ham fro breakfast. Cold soup for lunch. A bowl of mango and half a bowl of soup for dinner. Sweet potato and soy protein "fudge" now. After this I´ll go for a walk. I probably have to eat something afterwards.

Sorry for being weird and disgusting online. I´m sorry I was a jerk to you @Cate . You meant well.

I guess I´m just one of those insane stupid disgusting trans people people keep talking about online. This is why the majority hates us. It´s my fault. For some reason the idea of committing the S word still feels like something I do not want to do. I probably should but I don´t want to die. So if I don´t want to die then it must mean I want to eat, right? Even if that little bowl of sweet potato and protein and quark makes me want to scream. Stopping eating won´t take me out of this world. It will just make me lose my muscles, hair, teeth and bones. So I´m going to eat that fucking thing even though I want to throw it off the balcony. It won´t make me fat. I am going through this discussion every time I put anything in my body. It´s exhausting.
 
For some reason could not put my shoes on and go outside. I popped by a SMART meeting. Not that I´m scared I´d drink. I just thought it might help remind me at least my idiot self does something right. I guess it helped a tiny bit. I´m stupid and disgusting but things could be even worse. Going to put my flip flops on and go downstairs just to take a breath of the night air. Then come back. Right now it´s baby steps with everything.

I had a future and it was ripped away from me. The damage may not be fixable. But if I KMS the trans clinic will have won and also, they don´t care about me as a person but they would use my death as a statistic to prove we are all insane. Can´t let them have that.
 
Floater said:
Can´t let them have that.
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Good. This will be my MO from now on. I went downstairs and took a few breaths. And now I´m going to have half a bowl of soup.

As my psychotherapist said, this is a new trauma. This has long term consequences and this happened because of things outside my control. I can hate myself for suffering OR I can take a mental note and say, yeah, I´m suffering right now because of something out of my control. So: I am suffering. I am in a dark place. It´s hard to find hope right now. These are all facts. But I´ve been through way worse.

Important note to self: I said earlier restricting is making my OCD thoughts worse. But eating makes them less bad. Because when my body is deprived of energy, so is my brain. And when my brain is deprived of energy, I can´t put all the tools I´ve learned in therapy to make myself feel better. So I´m going to eat. Every day. Several meals. And if those meals consist of ice cream, then that´s what´s on the menu for that day. Right now staying alive and not getting hospitalized matters more than my weight. Me saying this is not me allowing myself to balloon up. Me saying this is putting things into perspective. This is not the time to worry about my body size. This is the time to worry about my brain. The sooner I´m over this psychological pain and crisis, the sooner I´ll be back to full functionality and then I can start moving lower from the 86 kg I´m at now. Mind you: I haven´t gained. The ice cream did not make me gain. It doesn´t happen overnight. Neither weight gain or weight loss happens overnight. And getting over the agony of having something very important taken away from me also doesn´t happen overnight.
 
Arvo, I have replied to your pm. Please take good care of yourself because we care about you. Very much. :grouphug:
 
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