Floater's diary

OK, lunch is all eaten, it felt like WAY too much and eating took me an hour but I feel much much better now. Going to do my abs now to get that habit started, jogging won´t happen today because my ankles feel loose and sore from the heat, but all in it´s due time.
 
I'll definitely keep doing abs/core stuff at home daily because it gives me that lil bit of dopamine, although from an aesthetic standpoint it's kinda redundant as I go apeshit at the gym three days a week. But dopamine is nice. I'll also include modified burpees where I'll support my chesticles during the jump instead of lifting my arms above my head because the jiggle makes me crazy dysphoric.

I guess I have a constant issue feeling like I don't "do enough" when I do plenty and eat right and it's just the nature of weight loss that it's slow.
 
Dinner: two mini puddings, manchego, blu cheese, and dates. I feel like I needed the calories. I have some blue cheese and leftover on the plate, will finish in a bit.
 
I was still hungry after taking a break and drinking water, so I had two boiled eggs and I'm having a small plate of pumpkin seeds, Brazil nuts, dried cherries & beef jerky
 
Some moron is playing loud music & I'm mega anxious so I think I'll make myself some coffee and go for a walk.
 
Woke up 30 mins ago. Sometimes ADHD meds knock me out and last night was no exception. So exhausted. Glad it's rest day
 
sometimes when my son is literally bouncing off the walls at 2 in the morning that I wish he was still on ADHD meds
 
Breakfast: small bowl of chicken. I have zero energy. Glad I still have two portions of soup and two boiled eggs left.
 
Friends!!! 87 kg! The apparent bounce-up was from hormones and the scale not having been calibrated properly! So only -7kg to fit within the trans clinic's BMI demand for hormones and -12kg to reach my personal dream weight! IT IS DOABLE
 
Went for a walk and am now having a milkshake (500kcal, 12g of protein). It's hot outside and noisy in the restaurant. Oh well. Still better to eat something or I'll get cranky and nauseous.
 
Had a 0,5l bottle of Club Mate tea, and jogged for just a stone's toss - with running the biggest hurdles for me are psychological and I want to take a casual approach to it. While there is genuine physical discomfort related to it - my unstable ankles, worn-out knees and dysphoria-inducing chest movement - the main "fear factor" is facing the agony of my teenage self and how that poor boy was determined to outrun puberty. He lost of course but I'm going to win and share the spoils of victory with him.

My current gym results started with the idea of walking to the gym and doing three bicep curls, if nothing else. That was the mental goal I set and it was easy enough to meet that the sense of accomplishment kept me going. And now, my running goal is the distance between two light posts every day. Today it was that. And it will remain the stated goal. And once the fear has been tamed, eventually the distance will be something else.

I'll sit down for a while to cool down, then do my core exercises and hit the shower. For the next four months the daytime will be very taxing on my autistic brain. Sunlight at the intensity of Finnish summers really saps my energy. But the mornings and evenings and nights are wonderful. I'll be OK.
 
Bought two packs of chicken and a ton of high kcal stuff - 60€ worth - because I'm under a lot of stress with trans clinic and the church day trip next week and I need to keep my kcal intake sustainable.

Dinner: a pack of snack salami, a bowl of asparagus soup, a 0,4 berry smoothie, and a handful of hard candy
 
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I think I'll have rye bread with a certain cheese from my childhood
 
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