Floater's diary

Mother's day. I can't function today.
 
Autism assistance came over, I did some cleaning, changed my bedsheets & deep-cleaned Heikki's cage. IDK if I can go to the church function on Thursday. Still too terrified of people.

Breakfast: a banana, chocolate mousse. I think I will hit the gym later tonight. I'll wait until the sun is lower.
 
If you are having a bad day, don't read this.

I shouldn't exist. The way I came into this world is disgusting. It's mothers' day. For me it means something else than for most.

At least I can cry now. It's always good.
 
Lunch: starting with veg, soy chunk, black bean and wiener soup.

EDIT: I´ll also have two boiled eggs and two rye bread sandwiches with a specific cheese I liked as a kid.
And after I´m done eating lunch I´ll make a new batch of protein drink, this time with soaked sunflower seeds + dates + soy mince, and once I have processed those smooth, Ill add in some ginger, vanilla, soy protein isolate, oats, banana, cacao powder, and MAYBE frozen cherries if I´ll go for a Schwarzwald cake vibe but we´ll see.
 
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The chocolate protein smoothie turned out great. Two portions are packed in my thermoses and two portions are in mugs with chia seeds and some extra vanilla added in - yay pudding!
 
One chocolate protein smoothie. Then I'll take out the trash, brush my teeth & try to sleep. I ate a huge surplus yesterday, today I've eaten very little. Today was supposed to be gym day but I'll go tomorrow. It was Mother's day today. I need to cut myself some slack.
 
I hope you are right, forum mom.

I feel guilty about not going on that church day trip. But even if I wasn't trans it would still be exhausting. An hour of traveling into another city. Ferry to an island with no escape. Then ferry back to mainland and pizza. Then train home.

The worst part is knowing this won't get easier. My autism will make things like this hard for me forever. It does cut me off from other, "proper" people. I will probably never be in a relationship again.
 
Floater said:
I hope you are right, forum mom.
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In this instance, I know I'm right!
Floater said:
I feel guilty about not going on that church day trip. But even if I wasn't trans it would still be exhausting. An hour of traveling into another city. Ferry to an island with no escape. Then ferry back to mainland and pizza. Then train home.
Click to expand...
It sounds like too much for me too.
Floater said:
The worst part is knowing this won't get easier. My autism will make things like this hard for me forever. It does cut me off from other, "proper" people. I will probably never be in a relationship again.
Click to expand...
I'm calling BS on this, my friend. Sending you lots & lots of love xoxo
 
Thank you Cate 💐🥰

Breakfast: choccy chia pudding. The cherries don't really taste that strong in this so next time I'll use a cheaper fruit or berry. I wonder if blueberries would work? Raspberry would be divine but they are expensive. Mango would probably work fine.
 
At the gym having a panic attack. I think I'll avoid church for a while. I can't take the hate. And I will finish my workout.
 
Workout done. I kept it short but I did it. Had chocolate protein smoothie and bought a Red Bull. Drinking it in the park now. People talking, enjoying the sun. Kids playing. Life happening.
 
Drank the other Red Bull as well. Let Heikki out for a run and his fresh dust-and-cornstarch bath. He really liked it and looks like a powdered donut :D

Showered, rested for a bit.

Now having two eggs and a bowl of soup. And a small bowl of rice for carbs and mango for dessert.
 
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Bedtime meal: last soft-boiled egg, some chicken, a box of raisins. If I still feel hungry afterwards, I can have a pack of instant ramen or rye bread with falafel. (I need to buy more frozen falafels, they are great on rye bread!!)

EDIT: nope, I´m having a bowl of soup. Minimal hassle, protein, will warm me up.
 
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Can't sleep. I'll have another portion of chicken. EDIT: also four Brazil nuts and six Toffifee.
 
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I'm in the danger zone of dissociating so today is SELF. CARE. DAY. Breakfast: soup and a banana. Aqua jogged for 120 mins. Locker room banana. Now more soup and a walk to the supermarket.
EDIT it´s raining cats and dog and I have a migraine. But my old rain parka fits nicer than it used to, so even if I don´t make it to the supermarket, I´ll go for a little walk, can´t do harm.
EDIT2 no scratch that, the migraine is getting worse so I´ll go lie down for a bit and see what happens. Ugh. This time I have nausea too, these are the worst migraines.
 
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Anti-emetic and NSAIDs help enough that I´ll have some licorice and my last portion of protein pudding, and a bowl of mango, however long it takes to eat them . I need energy now
 
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