Floater's diary

Got home, migraine was rolling in, took my anti-inflammatory pain meds and a Triptyl, let Heikki out for a run & dust bath and gave him fresh water and filled his puzzle cube with dried nettle because I knew I wouldn´t be able to do that later, am now trying to eat a bowl of soup. I´m so uncomfortable I really want to go for a walk but... Sigh.

The right shoe of the pair I wore today felt really painful, but to my surprise the shoe had only broken my skin a tiny bit despite me having walked a total of maybe 10km today. So, in all likelihood, the shoes should adjust to my feet, and I can try different sock and lacing options until I find optimal comfort. I bought tiger balm from the Asian store today. Stuff used to cost 3,50e back in the day, not 8e. Lol. I applied it to my achilles tendons because they felt tight, and while I´m not sure if the stuff actually _does_ anything, I do enjoy the scent and the sensation. Some people say it can be used for tension headaches as well (by applying a tiny amount on the forehead, just below the hairline. I guess I might just as well give it a try.

EDIT: fuck yeah the burning/cooling effect is intense enough that I barely even notice the migraine pain anymore so that´s... Good I guess? :D
 
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Okay this is turning into one of my monster migraines and I´m still trying to eat that same bowl of soup. Sent a request for renewal of my anti-nausea meds for migraine, because if memory serves, this was how my migraine hell started last summer. The stuff also has a mild sedative/tiring effect so maybe I could get a good night´s sleep for once?
 
Vacuumed, cleaned Heikki´s cage (he had thrown his pellet dish down from the top shelf and peed next to his hay holder... WTF lil dude?), and am now having breakfast: one portion of rice pudding, last portion of aubergine & tofu soup.
 
After cleaning up, autism assistance person drove me to the supermarket for groceries. Lunch: green smoothie (cucumber, celery, snack lemon, soy protein isolate, ginger, chia seeds, matcha, one tablespoon of sugar) and a rye bread sandwich with ham. Then it´s off to the gym. I made a total of 1,2l of green smoothie and 0,4dl is resting in the fridge in a thermos for later; I don´t expect it to stay good for long so I´ll have it tonight.

My hoodie was always oversize (men´s size M), but now it´s quickly becoming a tunic because my gut has shrunk so much. I guess I´m ready for a face reveal because why the fuck not. Here´s what yours truly looks like today. Hopefully, one day this picture will look like the twin sister of the himbo I yearn to become. :D
 

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Fuck yeah gym was good. Had locker room protein shake. Now at home, having five meatballs & the rest of my green smoothie. After this it´s off to the springtime woods to vape weed with my ex, and I´ll bring a bottle of water with me and go for a walk afterwards. Then home, shower, food, playtime with Heikki, sleep.
 
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Vanilla milkshake at the gas station burger joint. This is more wistful and romantic than any late night pub sulk.
 
It sounds like Heikki threw a tantrum at you sleeping in!
Look at you in that photo. Your legs are looking so muscly & strong. I love your smile. Wearing a Men's M that is very baggy does show just how much weight you have lost. That should satisfy them at the clinic. You are really doing the work, Arvo & it shows 👏
 
Thank you forum mom!

Sleep issues. Two rye bread sandwiches with cheese & ham, a Twix bar. Might eat another Twix bar, hungry for high kcal stuff.

EDIT: ate both Twix bars. Hopefully I can rest for a bit before going swimming. Pool opens at 10AM
 
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11AM. Slept from 7AM to now - better than no sleep! Now trying to mentally wake up & get my day going and THAT's the hard part lol
 
Swam for 60 mins. Had a locker room banana. Now at home prepping soup and eating meatballs. Exhausted, cranky. I´m scared I´ll never get to transition.
 
Still in a shitty mood. The meatballs were good. Now having a bowl of soup (potato, onion, celery, spinach, green peas & butter beans all blitzed together).
 
Rye bread with ham, five almonds, four Brazil nuts, a bowl of pineapple. Did a short writing assignment for psychotherapy.

EDIT: putting this in spoilers: childhood trauma and food
Last time in therapy I mentioned how insanely exhausted I was as a kid, all the time. I would wake up at 6 to take the train to the city and go to school at 8. I´d eat school lunch, and after school I´d travel to the other side of the city for orchestra practice, music theory, or violin lessons, on most days of the week. My mother never packed me anything to eat so I would have to eat at the musci school cafeteria. I didn´t have any money either so I would have a tab that my mother would then come to pay once or twice a week when picking me up on days I didn´t travel back home on my own. When she paid for my food, she would always be pissed and tell me I´m going to get fat and I eat too much. I... Really didn´t eat much. I would often shake from hunger. But having her yell at me and have other people stare, and having her laugh at what a glutton I was, made me wish I could survive without food. And I tried. And eventually the need to feed would take over and I´d eat. Once she brought me a bunch of bananas. I ate three in one sitting and she told me I´m a gorilla. At that point it was the evening and the only meal I had eaten had been school lunch. I wasn´t a glutton, I was starving. By then I was so desensitized to abuse that I just kept a vacant smile glued onto my face.

No wonder I have issues around food.
 
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I know I need to get up and make myself some tuna pasta. I need carbs, protein and fat. I need energy. This feeling of running on empty, mentally speaking, is... Because I AM running on empty, physically speaking.

My current weight loss feels great. My upper arms look like they belong to someone else, someone fit. But my torso is distorted by fat and gender dysphoria. The thought "you could live on even less" keeps ringing through my brain.

So I'm going to go make and eat that tuna pasta. And, if after eating I still feel like running on empty, I will eat more. Getting a preventable injury or going back to an ED could push my transitioning back for years.

Margin of error is zero here.

EDIT: tuna pasta with garlic down, also had a banana. Feel full now but will eat more if needed.
 
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I see you on a clear path to transition. I see you getting fitter & healthier & nourishing your body with sound nutrition(& no alcohol) & your mind with therapy. I see where you want & should be. :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
I see you on a clear path to transition. I see you getting fitter & healthier & nourishing your body with sound nutrition(& no alcohol) & your mind with therapy. I see where you want & should be. :grouphug:
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Thank you forum mom 💐
 
Good to see you pushing back on the ED thoughts. You deserve good things and they include nutrition.
 
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