Floater's diary

Sometimes the scale is just annoying. Don't let it freak you out. Yay for getting accidentally eugendered! (No idea if there's a word for that but if not there ought to be.) I assume therapy was at least part of the reason why you had trouble getting to sleep?
 
Llama said:
Sometimes the scale is just annoying. Don't let it freak you out. Yay for getting accidentally eugendered! (No idea if there's a word for that but if not there ought to be.)
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It's a wonderful term, good invention my friend 💐
Llama said:
I assume therapy was at least part of the reason why you had trouble getting to sleep?
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It was.

I started my aqua jogging workout with zero expectations, but it felt good, so I did my usual 120 mins. Had my locker room shake, and am heading home now. Photoshoot tomorrow :3
 
Llama said:
Best of luck with the shoot! I hope you'll feel great and enjoy the experience
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Thanks! I hope so too :3 It's going to sap my energy but I think it'll be worth it. I need to go to sleep early tonight and wake up early to get ready & travel to the site. Just woke up from a nap, but because last night I only got 90 mins of sleep or so, I think I'll probably sleep ok
 
Went to a meeting, talked about my desire to go and partake in the Eucharist. Honestly, I think it would do me good. The amount of ethanol in the communion wine (served in single servings of a few milliliters) is absolutely not going to affect me from a biological/toxicology standpoint, and from a spiritual standpoint it´s not wine I´m planning to ingest. While the Evangelical-Lutheran church doesn´t share the Catholic doctrine of transsubstantiation AKA bread & wine being transformed into literal flesh and blood through consecration, it´s not just bread and wine either. The eucharist retains the properties of bread and wine but also carries the properties of the flesh & blood of Christ, so the leftover wine can´t be dumped into the sink for example. (It´s usually poured outside, against the plinth/foundation of the church, perhaps to make it stronger, which is a thought I like a lot.) So, when I feel that the time is right, I´m gonna do it. I don´t think it will risk my sobriety. This is important to me on a spiritual level and if anyone says that partaking in the Eucharist makes me no longer sober, they can go eat a boot.

And should that lead to a relapse, I´ll adjust my beliefs and behavior accordingly. But I don´t think it will lead to that.

Having potatoes with tofu & onion sauce and a bowl of pineapple. I hope I´ll sleep well tonight.
 
I know that with sweets I tend to crave more when I have a small portion but when I have mind in the right place that doesn't have to be a problem. I could imagine it being less of a problem for alcohol because you don't get anything like a buzz from half a sip while with sweets taste is half the goal. But of course complete black and white abstinence is never a possibility with food related issues while it's very ingrained in our dealing with other substances people are prone to abusing. (I hope that's the right way of phrasing it: I can never 100% remember proper SMART terminology.) Either way I have faith in your ability to separate a symbolic act from "normal" drinking and to reassess should urges arise as a result.
Floater said:
It´s usually poured outside, against the plinth/foundation of the church, perhaps to make it stronger, which is a thought I like a lot.
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That sounds very much like a good old-fashioned libation offering but I prefer the interpretation of letting the church building join in with the ritual.
 
Llama said:
I could imagine it being less of a problem for alcohol because you don't get anything like a buzz from half a sip while with sweets taste is half the goal. But of course complete black and white abstinence is never a possibility with food related issues while it's very ingrained in our dealing with other substances people are prone to abusing. (I hope that's the right way of phrasing it: I can never 100% remember proper SMART terminology.)
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I agree. And yeah "addictive behaviors" and "substance abuse" are both used in SMART. :)

The photoshoot went well. I had two bananas for breakfast after (skipped brekkie due to nerves & not wanting to look bloated) and am now in the ferry back to the mainland. Gonna grab a cheeseburger from Burger King before getting on the train. Feeling happy & accomplished.
 
I ended up also eating a pint of Ben & Jerrry's and two caramel mochi. But it's OK. Let's just call it a cheat day and correct the course.

Not going to make it to Mass in time and my body is telling me I need an extra rest day, so today I'll clean up and do food prep before my friend comes over. :)
 
Clean-up is all done, also deep cleaned Heikki´s cage and ordered food, bathing dust & gnaw toys for him. My friend suggested that we could cook together, so I prepped the roasted veggies for a meatloaf and she´ll bring the meat, eggs, feta cheese, and potatoes & cream for mashed potatoes. Convenient!

Breakfast was a banana and lunch was an egg, because I want to save space for the dinner we´re making, and because I´m not really hungry after eating like a hippo last night lol.

EDIT: depending on how long we´ll spend cooking, eating, and talking, I might not make it to the gym but I packed my gym gear just in case anyway!
 
Had my locker room protein shake & walked home in the misty night.

In the shower, I noticed something worrying. There's slight discoloration and a small bruise on my right breast, the same one that started to bleed on 20.2. I'm going to get up at 7AM tomorrow and walk to the health clinic so I'll be there by 8AM. I'll try to get to the walk-in nurse, but I can simultaneously call the phone number to see if they have any cancelled doc appts available. In any case, I can't put this off much longer. The tissue of the right breast is also much lumpier than that of the left when I was putting lotion on it. Glad I got into that routine.

I just hope that whatever it is won't kill me or keep me from transitioning.
 
It's good that you have established the routine of moisturising & hopefully whatever it is that you have detected will be ok. My fingers & toes are crossed, Arvo xoxo
 
Cate said:
It's good that you have established the routine of moisturising & hopefully whatever it is that you have detected will be ok. My fingers & toes are crossed, Arvo xoxo
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Thank you, forum mom! :grouphug:

I had a fried fish fillet and potatoes, loaded my coffee pot in advance (fresh water makes the best coffee but tomorrow morning every second will count), put my meds in a glass next to them, and I have a banana on the countertop & mango thawing overnight in the fridge (as well as a little cup of chia seed slime). I´ll go brush my teeth now and when my alarm rings in the morning, I´ll have everything ready for a half-comatose morning routine and hasty walk to the city center.

Speaking of walking: the shoelace on one of my hiking boots snapped on Saturday as I was putting them on to travel to the photoshoot. (I suspect Heikki had a part in the shoelace´s sudden demise... Which is why I keep my nice shoes behind a closed door.) So I had to wear my stompy boots instead. I had planned to wear them at the shoot anyway because they are cool, but I was super nervous to walk the long distance in them. As luck would have it, they were actually surprisingly comfortable and not slippery either. So I guess I´ll wear them to the health clinic as well because I just can´t bring myself to wear my ratty, ancient running shoes that I really hate. I bought them while I was in the hospital and I had come into the hospital wearing flip flops and the autumn was getting colder so I had to buy something warmer to wear and they were reasonably priced, if fugly and clunky. I wore the ratty shoes on my walk to the gym tonight and they are just... Uncomfortable in a way I can´t quite express. The vibe is really off for some reason. Now that I have bought a pair of barefoot running shoes, I think I´ll donate the ratty shoes. They are in very good condition, not "ratty" in the worn-out sense, because I could never bring myself to wear them that much. Sometimes I can only catch why some object bothers me so much after I have donated or trashed it (if it´s not fit to be donated). It´s interesting.
 
Llama said:
Bad memories of the circumstances you bought them under?
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Could be. But they remind me of something older too. The shape is very similar to a pair of running shoes I got as a teen. My parents didn't want me to do any physical activity because they thought it took my mind away from playing the violin. Idk. Therapy on Wed so I'll talk about this there.

I got a doc appt at 12.15, fantastic. I have time to have lunch. I'll go aqua jogging after.

Breakfast: a banana.
 
Lunch: a bowl of mango, meatloaf with corn & scallions.
 
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