Floater's diary

[Floater]

Today has been busy by my standards. I asked the assistance person to drive me to a pet equipment store to see a particular cage in person - a 160cm high Critter Nation cage that I plan to get for Heikki one day, when my finances are a bit better off. The cage was every bit as good and better than I had imagined, nice-looking, roomy, with locks my tiny Houdini can´t open from the inside. It costs 370 euros so I have to both save up for it for a while, especially as this winter is going to be expensive as hell with electricity prices at record high, inflation, the renovation costs, and me having to start to pay back student loans. But: having a dream is useful and will help me get through this, and as far as dreams go, a better cage for my little friend is a very good dream to have.

After the trip to the pet store, I had a walk with my priest and it was really nice to see her after the summer break, even though I often feel like I only have bad news whenever I meet her. It would be nice to go on a walk some day and report to her of a big achievement or even just a small one. But I don´t think I´m giving out the aura of someone negative either. Right now, things are hard, but they are hard for a lot of people and I really dislike fake happiness/ posturing. As an analogy, inflamed wounds shouldn´t be stitched up and covered, the pus has to come out, otherwise nothing heals. And while she´s in her professional role as we meet, she´s also my friend, and I listen to her stuff too, so it´s not like I just trauma dump everything onto her. I hope.

Well, mulling stuff like this over and over in my head is sign that I need another walk. I just finished making a new batch of green lentil soup - a bit bland-tasting this time but the taste should develop in the fridge - and had a big bowl of fruit and a small bowl of soup for lunch. Oh and I had a dosa with a potato, some butter and a tiny bit of grated parmesan for a snack. It was great and it´s good to know that the chickpea-hemp protein dosas keep well in the fridge and taste good heated in the microwave as well.

Off for a walk now and then I´ll let Heikki out to play, perhaps clean up a bit, and then relax and watch AHS on Disney+. I packed my swimming gear for tomorrow, so as long as I wake up early enough to make it to the pool before tomorrow´s assistance visit, tomorrow´s plans are all but done.

 

[Llama]

It would be nice to go on a walk some day and report to her of a big achievement or even just a small one.

You do so quite regularly here so I'm going to assume the same happens during your walks. Do you have a link to the dream cage? In my head it's made of Lego right now, but I assume Heikki would chew right through the plastic...

 

[Floater]

You do so quite regularly here so I'm going to assume the same happens during your walks.

I hope so. It's just weird to compare my "achievements" to hers because she's so smart and gets shit done and doesn't get discouraged by challenges, whereas I'm a mentally ill weirdo who has nerves like a racehorse - worn out during years of duress lol.

Do you have a link to the dream cage? In my head it's made of Lego right now, but I assume Heikki would chew right through the plastic...

https://www.petenkoiratarvike.com/p...e2KovKCaTJ_kcvd-3znqWpa4Bs9CFG8BoCjqYQAvD_BwE

There you go! For chinchilla use, the big level in the middle has to be taken out, but it's still structurally solid without it. (The two "stories" are no higher than 70cm each, so the level in the middle can legally only cover 50% max of the area.) The cage weighs 45 kg, just to give an idea how sturdy it is.

I had a weird dinner: cauliflower-lentil stew with rice noodles, a warm rye bread sandwich topped with tomato paste, potato, and cheese, and a small bowl of lentil and veggie soup. Tasty, but screams of struggle bus.

 

[Llama]

That cage does look very snazzy.

I am going to guess your priest doesn't play life in hardcore mode. Not saying she's on peaceful but the zombies hit a lot harder on hardcore than on easy or normal mode. And there's more of them, too.

To me your dinner sounds like the kind of spread you prepare when you want to treat yourself. Even if it's mostly leftovers there's something luxurious about having a lot of smaller dishes rather than one big bowl (which is what I usually have because food prep for one person takes up enough time as it is...)

 

[Cate]

That cage looks really good, but I think that Heikki is probably happy in his cage plus being let out in your apartment.

whereas I'm a mentally ill weirdo who has nerves like a racehorse - worn out during years of duress lol.

You are so, so hard on yourself, Floater. Would you talk about a friend the same way?
I hope you get to go swimming in the morning. How far is it from home?

 

[Floater]

That cage does look very snazzy.

I am going to guess your priest doesn't play life in hardcore mode. Not saying she's on peaceful but the zombies hit a lot harder on hardcore than on easy or normal mode. And there's more of them, too.

To me your dinner sounds like the kind of spread you prepare when you want to treat yourself. Even if it's mostly leftovers there's something luxurious about having a lot of smaller dishes rather than one big bowl (which is what I usually have because food prep for one person takes up enough time as it is...)

That's actually a lovely way to think about it. Besides, even if I have to go carb-heavy and mostly plant-based for a while, it doesn't mean "boring" and cheap food isn't "bad". I try to flip my thinking into "this is quaint and cozy".

That cage looks really good, but I think that Heikki is probably happy in his cage plus being let out in your apartment.

Yeah the current cage is OK, I'm not in a hurry to replace it, but a bigger one would add to his quality of life. Everything in it's time!

You are so, so hard on yourself, Floater. Would you talk about a friend the same way?
I hope you get to go swimming in the morning. How far is it from home?

I wouldn't talk about a friend like this, no. I guess I don't consider myself a friend, just a... Zombie killer like in Llama's analogy.

The pool is 1,5km from home and I woke up in schedule, if very tired, so chances are I'll go!

 

[Floater]

Breakfast: small bowl of lentil and veg soup and 1dl of rice with a steamed egg and soy sauce.

I might actually make these small soup bowls into a habit. I often have issues with starting to eat, and soup goes down easy and reminds my brain and body that eating isn´t a scary, dull chore but a very useful thing that makes me feel better lol.

 

[Floater]

I decided to run the dishwasher before going swimming, and I´ll probably have a light lunch of egg drop soup before leaving to make sure I´´m all fueled up. This is my last visit on my swim card and I can´t afford more until 2.9., so I want to make the most of it!

I´ll show you guys a pic from last night when I was training Heikki to climb up my body and sit on my shoulder. He´s done that a couple of times spontaneously, but I want to figure out a que to tell him I want him to do that, as well as to train him to sit down quietly for a while. Both are easier said than done as he´s always on the go and doesn´t pick up human words quite the same way dogs do. He does understand body language quite well and MOST OF THE TIME hops into his cage after playtime if I stand close to the cage and point at the open door. I might buy a clicker and clicker train him (click -> reward first, then desired action -> click -> reward). He´s so quick in his movements that often when I get to verbally praise him, he´s moved on to dig around my flower pots and then I accidentally reward him of naughtiness lol.

You can see part of my face in here but the pic is fuzzy and Heikki´s ample bottom covers most of my mug so I feel safe enough to share this. I love this pic because I rarely see myself looking this spontaneous and happy in any picture but here it´s palpable how happy I am to interact with Heikki. Which is also why I so desperately want him to have the best quality of life I could ever give him. He gives me so much joy.

 

[Cate]

I love this pic & love that you have Heikki! This pic has so much joy in it. Thank you for sharing it with us

 

[Floater]

I aqua jogged for two hours. The swimming pool and the dressing rooms are good places to be in because they give me massive dysphoria, more so than I get anywhere else, and while the feeling itself isn´t nice I can think about it as a roadmap to myself: I wouldn´t suffer from dysphoria if there wasn´t a reason for that, and a cure exists, so in a way my dysphoria is like a sports coach or a teacher I don´t like much, but who motivates me to get my life and body in order so I can transition. And this is a very soothing thought.

 

[Llama]

Such a happy picture and I'm so happy you felt comfortable sharing it.

 

[Floater]

Phew, I just finished cleaning up and playing with Heikki and I cleaned his cage too. It's thundering and raining, FINALLY. I gave Heikki an old dog puzzle and put pellets and dandelion leaves in it, he instantly figured out 2/3 of the hides in the puzzle, I'm sure he'll figure out the sliding pieces too, in time.

I checked out how my violin is doing. She has a new crack in her lacquer, how new I don't know, I haven't played in years. Too many weird memories. But some day I'll get her new strings and re-hair the bow and see what my body remembers.

 

[Llama]

But some day I'll get her new strings and re-hair the bow and see what my body remembers.

I think reaching the point where you want to do that would mean a whole new phase in your trauma processing. In a good way.

 

[Floater]

I think reaching the point where you want to do that would mean a whole new phase in your trauma processing. In a good way.

Indeed. You are wise, Llama.

I´m enjoying a bowl of Marmite spaghetti, and a small bowl of frozen peas for dessert. Had tuna sandwiches and a bowl of fruit after aqua jogging, and a bowl of egg drop soup before I started cleaning up. I´ll have a potato omelette before I go to bed, and I prepped chickpea and hemp protein dosa batter for tomorrow. I have two portions of lentil soup in the fridge, and I think I´ll make a big batch of soy bolognese tomorrow. I haven´t had any alcohol for a week, four weeks remain, haven´t had any cravings either, so that´s great news.

I´m feeling super carbsy but that´s to be expected after two hours of aqua jogging.

EDIT ok the carbs cravings are real so I´ll make myself a big batch of polenta and save some for later

EDIT2: I had a bowl of polenta, have 0,4l of it cooling down on the countertop, and also I fried the dosas already. Now I think I´ll watch some AHS and see if I still need that potato omelette later or not. The potato should be fine tomorrow still, as it was boiled on Friday and has been in the fridge since. This time my dosas turned out beautiful and even, although the amount of oil I used for frying them makes my hair stand up lol.

 

[Cate]

I aqua jogged for two hours. The swimming pool and the dressing rooms are good places to be in because they give me massive dysphoria, more so than I get anywhere else, and while the feeling itself isn´t nice I can think about it as a roadmap to myself: I wouldn´t suffer from dysphoria if there wasn´t a reason for that, and a cure exists, so in a way my dysphoria is like a sports coach or a teacher I don´t like much, but who motivates me to get my life and body in order so I can transition. And this is a very soothing thought.

This is very insightful & shows that you are continuing to move forward to where you want to be. I really love that photo

 

[Floater]

Thanks forum mom!

Ughhhh weird. I woke up from nightmares an hour ago or so. There's a fire sensor/alarm with low battery somewhere in the staircase and the beeping makes me nuts. I called maintenance. But what's weird is that I dreamt about the movie "Crimson Peak". It's not particularly good (other than the costuming), or particularly scary, but it has some gnarly CGI ghosts in it that made me uncomfortable when I saw it some time ago. For whatever reason, I was vividly dreaming about scenes in the film, almost as if re-watching them, while still half aware that I was in my own bed and dreaming. Almost like sleep paralysis? It was scary but I was also aware that it was just about a silly movie.

TW discussing trauma and dissociation but no explicit details.

But maybe that's the issue. When I was a child and bad things happened, I often told myself "this isn't real, this is a story or a movie, once this is over everything will go back to normal". And it was what I was told after being abused - "forget about this, it's over now, tomorrow is a new day" etc. There's something extremely heinous about abusing a person and then comforting them like that. "Come on now, be brave", you know. (For some reason I suddenly crave European hotel breakfasts with white bread rolls and tiny packets of butter, cherry jam and Nutella.) And because I was so sleep deprived due to stress, sometimes I legitimately fell asleep or at least into some trance state when bad shit was going down, like a dolphin who has one hemisphere awake and one asleep at a time to prevent drowning.

Back to Crimson Peak and the nightmare: I think I had one of those episodes where I was half asleep, half awake, and I think my subconscious decided to "show" me that movie because the central theme in the movie (light spoilers) is that humans shouldn't fear ghosts, as despite their gnarly appearance they are mostly harmless; the living are the real danger. Especially crimson red ghosts appear to warn the living. Maybe my brain connected the fire alarm's battery low sound to danger and jumped to the movie? IDK.

I just took a sleeping pill and it's starting to do it's thing. Just wanted to write this down before I forget.

 

[Llama]

And it was what I was told after being abused - "forget about this, it's over now, tomorrow is a new day" etc. There's something extremely heinous about abusing a person and then comforting them like that.

That is so gross. Even people who "just" got spanked according to the fundamentalist Christian rules recorded in Michael Pearl's To Train Up A Child often report that the worst part was having to smile and hug their parent afterward and pretend the chapter was closed with that. (Scare quotes around "just" because several children have died, although in each case Pearl claimed the parents did it wrong.)

I hoping writing out your brain process got it out far enough to be able to sleep properly.

 

[Floater]

That is so gross. Even people who "just" got spanked according to the fundamentalist Christian rules recorded in Michael Pearl's To Train Up A Child often report that the worst part was having to smile and hug their parent afterward and pretend the chapter was closed with that. (Scare quotes around "just" because several children have died, although in each case Pearl claimed the parents did it wrong.)

Both Pearls can go fuck cacti in Hell. Child abuse is gross in any case but as a Christian I take extra offense in twisting religion to justify the sadistic urges of a hick husband and his Stepford wife.

 

[Floater]

Btw, I had the weirdest dreams. In one of them my hairdryer broke and I tried to get my home insurance to pay for it, but they denied, because I had cursed when it broke and this broke their "no abuse against animals and objects" clause. I was so mad in the dream

 

[Floater]

I´ve been on a ROLL today. I saw an ad in my FB feed for a company that looks for dog groomer trainees, no previous experience required. I applied in a heartbeat and I´m quite content with my CV/application. Now I feel like sitting in an anthill while waiting for their response, but in any case it was worth the try. They have three offices, only one of them is a sensible commute away, but I´d be willing to consider the other two as well if I could arrange my disability benefits and the salary in a way that wouldn´t require me to completely go off my disability. Details like these can usually be worked out.

I really hope I get called to an interview. I guess that as the job is hairy, moist, and messy, it doesn´t matter that I don´t own any particularly snazzy clothes, as long as I appear in time and without spinach between my teeth. Athleisure should be OK. I already joked to my friends that if I get the position in the Helsinki city center, it´ll be a great place to hunt for sugar daddies with real estate money. A pipeline from a pet groomer to a trophy spouse glimmers in my future like the Rainbow Road in Mario games. Let the world drown and/or burn, when the apocalypse hits I´ll be on my Finnish Swede hubs´s yacht eating pollution-mutated crabs and vapidly giggling into a glass of Schnapps while filled to the gills with Diapam his house doctor prescribed for me. /s

I had a bowl of lentil soup and a potato and corn omelette for breakfast. I was so excited about writing the application that I didn´t eat until 1PM because I wanted the application to be perfect. I used a picture of me and Heikki in the application because I thought it would give the aura of me being both an animal person and relaxed. I mentioned that I´m autistic but spun it as a positive (strong visual sense and ability focus on the task at hand, and a special interest towards animals). I figured that my autism will come up at some point anyway, so I´d rather be upfront about it; if the company doesn´t want disabled people working for them, it wouldn´t be the right place for me anyway.

Wish me luck!!!!