Floater's diary

I'm a dumbass.

Went to apply to the film school and noticed that I got the schedule missed up and won't ever be able to finish the pre-assignments in time - I had thought that the application would have been form first, then pre-assignments, but the whole application process will close on 30.3. I might be able to write two storyboards in time, but I won't have any chance of loaning/purchasing a camera and editing sofware, and film and edit a 3-min short film.

But. In my defense, Nera's death really messed me up. I haven't been in sound mind since. Even if I had had all the equipment ready at hand, the day the pre-assignments were published in the middle of February, so right around Nera's passing. I would not have been able to focus on the assignments anyway. I just have to accept that this time I failed due to circumstances.

There's another side to this too: if I really truly want to apply next year, now I have learned from my fuck-up. I will have a whole year to teach myself editing and start playing around with home films. I better completely readjust my attitude towards this: I have to get into making home movies as a hobby. And thank god my disability benefits should be secured for another year so I won't starve.

Edit: I've eaten Turkish yogurt and meatloaf. I don't have an appetite, but I have to eat something.
 
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That sucks about the scheduling! You're right about the timeline not being right for this year though. Hugs for the tears.
 
Cold ribs and a hotdog bun. Nothing tastes good, it's like my mouth belongs to some other person. Eating hurts too, it's like my mouth and teeth are irritated. Could be dry mouth from stress.

The priority now is to focus on rest & recovery. Three huge sources for grief and disappointment within such a short time period would mess the strongest person up. Baby steps, baby meals..
 
I'm sorry that the film school application process does not fit for now but it gives you something to plan & prepare for in the next year.
Floater said:
The priority now is to focus on rest & recovery. Three huge sources for grief and disappointment within such a short time period would mess the strongest person up. Baby steps, baby meals..
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Take care of yourself :grouphug:
 
Don't panic: they probably have an issue with their system. An official entity ghosting clients would be too weird.
 
Llama said:
Don't panic: they probably have an issue with their system. An official entity ghosting clients would be too weird.
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You were absolutely right.

My nurse has left the house, but my doctor (whom I have never talked to before) will call me on 31.3 and we'll plan a new schedule for treatments. I'm feeling hopeful: I know I'm good at expressing myself.
 
I made some great somen noodle soup with eggplant, sauerkraut, celery, gochujang, hot sauce and hot dogs ^^

EDIT and I asked the assistance person if she thinks I'm stupid for having messed up the film school application. She said it could have happened to anyone and with all the stress I had with losing Nera, most people would probably not even tried to apply. It made me feel a bit better.
 
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Did the terrifying nurse leave completely? That would be kind of great if you ask me. She clearly wasn't a good fit for the position. Glad to hear you're getting to talk to your doctor directly next week.
 
Llama said:
Did the terrifying nurse leave completely? That would be kind of great if you ask me. She clearly wasn't a good fit for the position. Glad to hear you're getting to talk to your doctor directly next week.
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No, the terrifying nurse keeps working with autistic trans people, she just didn't like working with me and gave me the boot. The nurse who left was another person entirely, I didn't know her too well, apparently just changed workplaces. Let's hope the doctor won't think I'm a difficult asshole because terrifying sex nurse said so 🙄
 
I often get sent the "difficult" patients becausr I've been doing this job for longer than most of my colleagues: 80% of them aren't difficult at all beyond being a bit anxious about wanting to do the right things for their bodies. Which is perfectly normal.

Shame the wrong nurse left, I was (not so) secretly hoping she'd had a spontaneous revelation of why she was so wrong and should find a different job in an area where her talents would actually be useful.
 
@Llama the craziest thing was that she told me she's used to "patients getting angry and hitting the table" (as she's used to working with autistics) but couldn't handle me being anxious and straightforward, which are _extremely_ common traits in autistic people. I got the gut feeling that she just didn't like the fact she couldn't create my narrative for me.

I doubt all of her former 300+ patients have been infatuated with her either, sounds like an ego thing.
I also think about the movie 300 whenever I think about that remark of hers. "This is Spartaaaaaaa" 😂😂😂

I'll have the scraps of my dinner with potatoes now. Took a walk, I've been super tired so I think I'll go to sleep early!
 
I feel that things will be better with the clinic from now on. I'm sure that the other staff, including doctors, would be well aware of how she was/is. I'm glad you will not be seeing any more of her!
 
Cate said:
I feel that things will be better with the clinic from now on. I'm sure that the other staff, including doctors, would be well aware of how she was/is. I'm glad you will not be seeing any more of her!
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While I'm glad I won't be seeing her, she has been publicly praised by the trans clinic doctors in their counter-statements to criticism directed at her and the system as a whole by trans activists... So we'll see how this goes. But thank you for cheering me on and giving me hope! (It's crazy though that trans healthcare is so politicized and so public in nature...)

I couldn't sleep at all. It's my 34th birthday today. I have no dog, no spouse, no job (or health that would currently allow me to work), and sometimes I fear I'll run out of time without ever accomplishing anything that matters. I also found a cyst on my right tit and judging by the sharp pain I felt when I was trying to determine if it's attached deeper or not, I probably popped it, so now I have to book a gyno on top of eveything. I feel like I'm like some broken cyborg inhabiting a piece of junk that could kill me anytime.

Maybe I'm just depressed about all the hardships I've had this year.
 
Floater said:
Maybe I'm just depressed about all the hardships I've had this year.
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Very likely. And birthdays have a nasty habit of bringing that to the surface. I'll be 42 later this year and have none of the traditional milestones adults "should" have 🤷‍♀️ I may or may not find a relationship at some point but the rest of it is irrelevant to how I feel about my life.
Also: now is not forever and forever is a load of crap :grouphug:

I hope you get a doctor's appointment for that possible popped cyst (ouch!) asap but regardless: I wish you joy, love, contentment, wonder, support, and happiness for upcoming tour around the sun. Have a lovely day, my friend.
 
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