Floater's diary

You will be ok, Floater. You are in the early stages of your grief and it will always be there but will soften over time. 17 years down the track I still get teary occasionally thinking of my sister, but mostly when I think of her I get an intense feeling of love & I do feel that she gave me so much more strength & self-confidence than I ever thought I had. She is with me always.
 
Thank you @Cate , that is beautiful.

I managed to drop my phone and the screen is chipped. Super annoying.
 
I had a long, meditative walk on the fields. I walked on ice and among the aspens. Lichen spots their silvery trunks with it's vivid yellow-green, and it makes me happy because lichen only grows in clean environments.
 
I got sushi and thougth about how weird and amazing it will be to medically transition. I feel Nera close to me. 🐺🥰
 
Floater said:
I had a long, meditative walk on the fields. I walked on ice and among the aspens. Lichen spots their silvery trunks with it's vivid yellow-green, and it makes me happy because lichen only grows in clean environments.
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Ooh. We have lots of lichen on our land. I'm looking forward to being able to go for walks around it when the snakes have gone into hiding & I have some waterproof boots. *sigh* sushi.
 
Cate said:
Ooh. We have lots of lichen on our land. I'm looking forward to being able to go for walks around it when the snakes have gone into hiding & I have some waterproof boots. *sigh* sushi.
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Hah, we only have vipers in Finland and they aren't dangerous to healthy adult humans. To kids and dogs maybe, but luckily we have good ER care so the risk can be managed. I remember an August afternoon when I saw a viper in the undergrowth. They are beautiful animals. Nera watched the snake intensely, but I could tell she wasn't afraid.
 
We have 3 snakes in Tasmania & all 3 are venomous. We are also a long way away from a hospital. Snakes are beautiful creatures, but I wish I hadn't created such a wonderful place for them to live. Our double rock bank is a lovely haven for frogs & skinks & .......snakes of course! Archie isn't afraid of them either. I actually wish he was. He is very well aware of their presence. I would never have seen the one on Saturday, if not for him.
 
Austria has 6 species of snakes (plus a legless lizard) but only two are venomous and neither of those is lethal to a healthy adult. Plus of course we have a dense network of hiking paths which are clear enough to see snakes and avoid stepping on them.
 
I had a nice morning walk... And discovered a mushed strawberry in my backpack, yuck. I'm a super clean person, so this icked me out a lot. But I'll survive lol.

Haven't eaten yet today. I think I'll have a cup of coffee, clean up (wipe the floors & wash them), and cook once the apartment is all fresh and clean.
 
I really do hope you ate & had something satisfying. I put my hand in a pocket a month or so ago & it was full of squashed strawberries. I had been watering the garden hours earlier & didn't have anything to put them in, so put them in my pocket, meaning to empty it as soon as I got inside :eek:
 
Llama said:
Yuck on the strawberry! Hope you got some good food into you before it got too late.
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I actually haven't eaten anything proper today, a couple of strawberries and a few slices of cheese. I know it's a problem; but I can't force an appetite. I think I'll feel hungry tomorrow after my doctor's appointment. While I know it's just a routine visit to make sure I keep my disability benefits, it does stress me out. I think I'll go have some junk food after the appointment, because eating anything at all is usually a precursor for me to eat healthy stuff later on.

However: today hasn't been all bad. I had two long walks. I'm really excited about the second season of "Made in Abyss" coming out this year. And the date the film school application opens is only 10 days away. I don't feel too motivated to apply, I fear I'll fail and I also feel super depressed about having to apply without Nera by my side... But I feel like I have to try at least. Failing is much much better than not trying at all, and I will probably learn a lot by applying and failing, versus just sitting on my hands and feeling sorry for myself.
 
:grouphug: Sorry to hear the doctor's appointment is stressing you out. Best of luck.
Floater said:
Failing is much much better than not trying at all, and I will probably learn a lot by applying and failing, versus just sitting on my hands and feeling sorry for myself.
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Most definitely true. Getting started is the hardest part.
 
The doctor's appointment went super well! He was a young guy, very empathetic and friendly and respectful. Also EXTREMELY cute. It might be the springtime talking, but I really adored him 😂 And my disability benefits are now secured for another year. Phew. 🤗
 
I'm sitting in the local bar having a beer and choking back tears. I'm missing Nera so much that it physically hurts. I'm still glad about the doctor's visit, and I had a nap in the afternoon. I'll go aqua jogging tomorrow!
 
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Great to hear the doctor's appointment went so well! A little hormone rush is always nice, too ;)

:grouphug: for the bar tears. I'm sure they'll come and go for a while yet.
 
Llama said:
Great to hear the doctor's appointment went so well! A little hormone rush is always nice, too ;)

:grouphug: for the bar tears. I'm sure they'll come and go for a while yet.
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Yeah, I might be in grieving but I'm still very much alive. And I have a lot to look forward to. I will be OK and this grief is a sign of respect to my dear friend.
 
By the way: Happy International Women's day to all the lovely ladies here on the forum. I may not identify as a woman, but I deeply respect the times in my life when I grew up and spent in a woman's body (or a body that was perceived as feminine), and you chicks and crones and everyone in between are mighty and wonderful. :grouphug: Girlhood/womanhood is such an exercise in wisdom and empathy, sadly often in the face of injustices, but - "nevertheless, she prevailed".
 
Thank you! I don't personally feel like I need a women's day but I'm aware that inequalities often hide just out of sight and I profit heavily from all the work of feminists who came before me.
 
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