Floater's diary

*hug* thank you @Cate. I can't seem to stop crying. My head feels like it's splitting. I hate my body and my bed. Right now it's hard to believe that things could ever get better. But as you said... It is exhausting.
 
Things will get better, Floater. Christmas is a very emotional time for almost everyone I know. I don't want to sound like a Pollyanna & point out all the good things in your life, but do want you to try to focus on those good things & how far you have come. Give Nera a great big hug, safe in your apartment. What would Nera say about you if she could talk? She would say you are plenty good enough :beating:
 
You sure are. Sometimes big things happen (and opening op to a friend after that long is BIG) and you just have to cry out the rebound. I'm glad you have Nera there to hug.
 
Thank you @Cate , @LaMaria .

The night was miserable, I kept having crying fits and dry heaved into a bucket next to my bed. At the moment I would have given a kingdom for a shot or a pill, but I had no choice but to endure it all. Eventually I calmed down and tried to not move because of the headache, and finally fell asleep.

I woke up at noon, Nera had peed the bed a bit. I wonder why she didn't wake me up... Maybe she was worried about me. Took her out, put the bedding and the mattress cover in the wash, fed her. But I do feel a little bit better. Some emotions just need to be felt. I don't feel good, but I feel like I can survive today.
 
I have still been crying a lot today, but feel much better after my very late breakfast of baked potatoes, gravlax, butter/marg, and scallions.

This might sound like the dumbest thing ever. But I started looking into the prices of hardwood queen size beds, and while they are expensive, they aren't completely out of the question for me either. I'm not going to just buy one all willy nilly, this is a decision that takes time, but buying a queen size bed, a mattress and bedding would not be any more expensive than buying a cheap TV, a gaming console, and a couple of games. I know that some folks consider their home entertainment equipment a necessity, whereas for me a nice bed is a necessity. And I wouldn't throw out my current one either, it would serve as a couch and a guest bed.

I don't know if I've ever told this here, but when I was 21, I bought a beautiful hardwood queen size bed and planned to keep it for the rest of my life. But in 2020 when I broke up with my ex and had a UTI that caused me psychosis-like symptoms, I just snapped and couldn't see the bed as anything else but a place where I had been hurt. I took it apart and carried it to the trash and, well, what's done is done but I still sometimes grieve the bed when I'm having a hard time fitting in my small, cheap, current one that was the only one I could afford after I got home from the hospital. This one has it's upsides too: I can hang flowerpots from the frame, and it's placed in the kitchen/living room of my apartment because I needed some distance from the bedroom back then. It's not a bad bed, I just feel like I have outgrown it. And, originally, I guess I had this idea that if I ever meet a special someone, we'll probably purchase a bigger bed together. But I can't plan my life around the wish of finding someone. And I deserve to be comfortable, while of course planning my finances responsibly. I have every right to plan for getting a better bed, even though it will take some time to make happen.

This might sound really childish and materialistic, but for some reason I feel so much better now.
 
I walked to the supermarket, bought ground beef, made a meatball dough, put it to rest in the fridge, and had a lovely long walk with Nera. It's -18 outside and the trees are covered in frost. The sky would be clear but there are so many tiny ice particles floating in the air that visibility is low and everything takes on a leaden color. The cold seems to weigh down on a person, as if it sat on your shoulders. But it was a lovely walk. After I got home, I rolled the dough into meatballs and they are in the oven now, smelling great.

Recipe: Midwinter meatballs

400g of minced beef
2 small purple carrots
1 medium beetroot
1 egg
2dl of Turkish yogurt
2dl of breadcrumbs

Spices, to taste:
smoked paprika
jeera
white pepper
soy sauce
mushroom soy sauce
hot sauce

Mix the dry spices into the breadcrumbs. Grate the vegetables and mix in with the dry ingredients until evenly coated. Add yogurt, egg, soy sauce(s), and the hot sauce. Stir well. Add the beef and mix by hand. Let rest for 15 mins to overnight, covered, in the fridge. Using a tablespoon, form into more or less evenly sized balls, place on a parchment paper on an oven tray, sprinkle with more breadcrumbs if you desire a crispier outcome. Bake at 225 degrees celsius for 20 mins, enjoy.

I plan to eat some just plain, and have the rest tomorrow with broccoli and baked potatoes.
 
That does sound delicious & planning to buy yourself a comfortable bed is a very good, nice & sensible plan. Maybe starting to look out at op shops for some queen-sized bedding early would be a good idea, Bedding is so expensive. The mattress on our bed was expensive but the one on our spare bed wasn't & I love it. It has a pillow top & I sink into it & my hips don't hurt. We slept on a mattress on the floor when we first got together until we could afford a bed & it was so comfortable!
 
Cate said:
That does sound delicious & planning to buy yourself a comfortable bed is a very good, nice & sensible plan. Maybe starting to look out at op shops for some queen-sized bedding early would be a good idea, Bedding is so expensive. The mattress on our bed was expensive but the one on our spare bed wasn't & I love it. It has a pillow top & I sink into it & my hips don't hurt. We slept on a mattress on the floor when we first got together until we could afford a bed & it was so comfortable!
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Yeah! this definitely takes some planning. I have found Ikea latex mattresses to be very comfy and affordable (and durable). I enjoy a firm mattress, and latex ones tend to be to my liking for that reason. My current mattress is an Ikea latex too, and I have no qualms about it other than it's too narrow (90cm) and I can't spread out comfily.

I'm in a weird mood. Not bad, though. When my friend was over yesterday, she sent me a pic from March where me and Nera are sitting on a parch bench. I see a big change, couldn't tell if it's just in my head, showed it to the assistance person. She said I've changed a lot and lost weight from that point. I guess she has no reason to lie. I still see the same fat porker in the mirror that I see in the photo. But, maybe, at some point my brain will catch up.
 
It's wild how much our brains can twist the information our eyes deliver to it. No matter what I weigh my perception of myself can fluctuate from "omg how fat is that person in the mirror!" to "huh, you look quite nice and actually healthy" within an hour or two.
 
LaMaria said:
It's wild how much our brains can twist the information our eyes deliver to it. No matter what I weigh my perception of myself can fluctuate from "omg how fat is that person in the mirror!" to "huh, you look quite nice and actually healthy" within an hour or two.
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:iagree: with LaMa. I do the same. In one day my perception of myself & how I look & feel about myself can change dramatically. I do a lot of self-talking, when I become self-critical, hence my signature.
 
Breakfast: meatballs and potatoes with marg and scallions. I'm livid: I got banned from FB for 30 days, I didn't even say anything terrible, the bot just flagged me out of the blue 🙃 Of course I clicked the "do not agree" button, but there's a snowball's chance a human will ever check my comment and reverse the ban :/
 
Busy day today, emotionally tiring. Brother was buried, talked to mom on the phone. She stated that it was good he died because his life had been in a nosedive, problems with health care and the police even. I mean, I don't mourn him, but mom is a cold old bittie.

Went grocery shopping, happy with what I got. Drank the last of the quarter whiskey I got a while ago. Ex texted me and offered to treat me to some jazz cabbage, his treat. I can't see any harm in that, so in an hour or so I'll get a little break from all this drama. I watched "Don't look up" on Netflix, I liked it.
 
Cate said:
You are seeing a fair bit of your ex lately. Is he hoping to get back with you, do you think?
Your mother- :svengo:
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Yup, my mother is...
When it comes to my ex, I think he is just lonely. I'm not going back, that's for sure. Also, my transitioning journey has shifted the dynamic, I feel like he considers me as a buddy more than as an ex. (I do need to tread carefully nonetheless.)

Thanks LaMa, I was pretty shocked that my mom would say that. It made my stomach turn. I wonder how she talks about me behind my back... Better to not worry about irredeemable people, I guess. (Also, the salad appointment is delayed because my ex lives with his parents and he has to wait until his mom goes to sleep. Can't decide if it's sad or hilarious. Oh man.)
 
I'm glad that you're treading carefully. I almost didn't say anything. I can be such a nana sometimes.
Floater said:
my ex lives with his parents and he has to wait until his mom goes to sleep. Can't decide if it's sad or hilarious. Oh man.)
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A fair bit of both really. I can't imagine either of our sons feeling the need to sneak out or hide stuff from me. Our older son thinks our younger son overshares with me, which is sometimes true, but mostly I like it.
 
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