Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
Fiera
Well-known member
Well, my body is waving a red flag. Blood Pressure is up. If I don't get it back down in relatively short order it will be meds for me. Impossible to think it. But putting on lots of extra weight and being under a ton of stress is a kicker.
Yesterday I joined meditation group (online) for the first time in a while. I ate really mindfully all day until I lost it around 7-8PM. Slept pretty well with the tv and lights off. Tracked cals and ate very nicely until I lost it late in the day. I felt less bloated. My mental clarity seemed better. I note that the pizza (and museli) are making my gut and lower back hurt this morning. Grateful for an entire weekend by myself, though I took the celebrating too far Friday night and spent much of Saturday recovering. That is the end of the booze since my BP cannot handle it (as well as other obvious reasons). Glad I quit the smokes while I was staying at Dad's.
Have a pretty lengthy list of errands to run today, which may include stopping by my Dad's to help with banking software he says is not working right since I changed his banking password. KDog woke me at 5:20 and it was not clear what she wanted. Communication is not working as well now that she is apparently deaf. I got her her meds right on time at 6 and then she decided to go out/bathroom and then brekkie, so in any event all the bases were covered before 6:30AM and she is napping comfortably with a smile on her face under a light blankie.
Which gives me a little time for my journal.
I tossed about half of the dog toys on Saturday, about 10 of them, they won't be missed. KDog so rarely plays with them but I just kept her faves,
Yesterday I joined meditation group (online) for the first time in a while. I ate really mindfully all day until I lost it around 7-8PM. Slept pretty well with the tv and lights off. Tracked cals and ate very nicely until I lost it late in the day. I felt less bloated. My mental clarity seemed better. I note that the pizza (and museli) are making my gut and lower back hurt this morning. Grateful for an entire weekend by myself, though I took the celebrating too far Friday night and spent much of Saturday recovering. That is the end of the booze since my BP cannot handle it (as well as other obvious reasons). Glad I quit the smokes while I was staying at Dad's.
Have a pretty lengthy list of errands to run today, which may include stopping by my Dad's to help with banking software he says is not working right since I changed his banking password. KDog woke me at 5:20 and it was not clear what she wanted. Communication is not working as well now that she is apparently deaf. I got her her meds right on time at 6 and then she decided to go out/bathroom and then brekkie, so in any event all the bases were covered before 6:30AM and she is napping comfortably with a smile on her face under a light blankie.
Which gives me a little time for my journal.
I tossed about half of the dog toys on Saturday, about 10 of them, they won't be missed. KDog so rarely plays with them but I just kept her faves,
Fiera
Well-known member
Today was one of those days when I was riding the flow, being productive, and NOT running out of energy prematurely.
Grocery store early, then took a chance on going to the lab 40 mins early for salivary cortisol drop off...the guy recognized me and took the sample right away without having to wait. That freed me up to drive up to the northern bank 40 miles and pick up my checks BEFORE driving to dad's, so had lunch with him and Peaches, Fixed his financial software, got the bank account sorted on his pension, got his signed DNR document, then got on the road for 2nd half...wholesale club for gas and top off tires, wholesale 2 for KDog script and a couple pieces of casual wear and batteries, family-owned garden center for xmas wreath, shampoo from beauty supply, vet for other replacement script, then over to SM's for some donations dropped off yesterday. Home at 5. Shazam. Ha ha ha ha. I am super happy that I have some better clarity and energy the past couple of days.
Maybe the black coffee at lunch kept me fired up during the afternoon.
My stupid blood pressure tho...
Well I am jolly fired up that I actually can have a casual evening while working on categoring some transactions and organizing tax receipts. I love being productive! and making progress on my to-do list!
Grocery store early, then took a chance on going to the lab 40 mins early for salivary cortisol drop off...the guy recognized me and took the sample right away without having to wait. That freed me up to drive up to the northern bank 40 miles and pick up my checks BEFORE driving to dad's, so had lunch with him and Peaches, Fixed his financial software, got the bank account sorted on his pension, got his signed DNR document, then got on the road for 2nd half...wholesale club for gas and top off tires, wholesale 2 for KDog script and a couple pieces of casual wear and batteries, family-owned garden center for xmas wreath, shampoo from beauty supply, vet for other replacement script, then over to SM's for some donations dropped off yesterday. Home at 5. Shazam. Ha ha ha ha. I am super happy that I have some better clarity and energy the past couple of days.
Maybe the black coffee at lunch kept me fired up during the afternoon.
My stupid blood pressure tho...
Well I am jolly fired up that I actually can have a casual evening while working on categoring some transactions and organizing tax receipts. I love being productive! and making progress on my to-do list!
Fiera
Well-known member
Thank you! I am happy about it for sure.
Fiera
Well-known member
Yesterday ate fairly clean brekkie (eggs, spinach), lunch (grilled chix sand, unsalted sweet pot fries), dinner (low sodium turkey breast, 12 grain, 1/2 avoc). But once again the evening went off the rails...(pizza,1/2 banana, museli in milk, raw almonds and 1/2 choc bar).
Gut inflammation again, lower back aches, hard to move. Need to figure out healthy, available snack busters for evenings...I can do well all day and then fall apart ever single time. Having the energy and clarity certainly helps me stay busy/distracted during the day. Do I eat because I am hungry (no), bored/on couch evenings (maybe), my body is seeking fullness for comfort (for sure), not enough carbs earlier (possibly).
Gut inflammation again, lower back aches, hard to move. Need to figure out healthy, available snack busters for evenings...I can do well all day and then fall apart ever single time. Having the energy and clarity certainly helps me stay busy/distracted during the day. Do I eat because I am hungry (no), bored/on couch evenings (maybe), my body is seeking fullness for comfort (for sure), not enough carbs earlier (possibly).
Fiera
Well-known member
Have household tasks for the morning completed. Listed a CB plate on freebox, better than trying to sell, should go fast. About to start financial stuff soon.
Clarity and energy still pretty decent.
Was thinking about the comments in the caregiver support group. I identify with so much. I have been in a caretaker role so much. My mom. My adult child husband. It is no wonder that after my divorce when I was free and not accountable to anyone else, that I equate those years to being manifested. And then there was AN in his troubles, or W. EDog with his 3.5 year cancer battle. My Dad and Proggy. KDog with her colitis. I hear the angst of these folks who feel like their lives are lost, how they willingly sacrificed for what they thought would be a couple of years, but then it becomes a decade or more, and they are trapped an unable to get out until it is over --- however long 'it' is. I am grateful that this is not my full time existence and yet it still has had a huge impact on my life...how I spend my time, where I go, what my circle looks like, how much energy I have.
Not to mention a toxic work environment for so many years. And an old house I was not positioned to understand or deal with unsupported.
Look at the last few days...a weekend without Proggy, a night by myself to blow off steam, taking better care of myself and fixing up things around the house...it is time that I give myself the gift of recognizing that what I am experiencing is real, that my dad and my dog (and to a lesser extent) Proggy are very real things I am dealing with...that it is no failing of my character that I am not doing guitar and concerts and travel. Further, as my old therapist surmised, I expend tremendous amounts of mental energy managing emotions and that is one reason why my brain doesn't always function so well.
i guess it sounds like I am spinning for answers but what it feels like to me is saying yeah, you know, this is real, it is not who I am, it is just things happening to me. I have an aging parent who needs care and attention and I am the "only child" in all practical sense.
I also think that what feels selfish to me (putting my own needs first) actually generally is not.
And what is important and meaningful is inside of me and has just been shut down and overwhelmed. I am still here. My heart is still beating. I can finally imagine what it will feel like to once again be near mountains, or the Pacific Coast, or among the Redwoods, or so many other places. Why now, why today? Because I got a bunch of to-do's out of the way, the needy beings are ok for the moment, and I have space and time for myself. Real space and real time. I can feel my fingers and my body again, not entirely but largely. I can actually take a deep breath and feel it in my chest.
I don't want to leave this place, this quietude, I am afraid of going back.
I can finally sit and watch and listen to my own thoughts.
Why now, why today? Will it stay? For how long? Please stay.
Clarity and energy still pretty decent.
Was thinking about the comments in the caregiver support group. I identify with so much. I have been in a caretaker role so much. My mom. My adult child husband. It is no wonder that after my divorce when I was free and not accountable to anyone else, that I equate those years to being manifested. And then there was AN in his troubles, or W. EDog with his 3.5 year cancer battle. My Dad and Proggy. KDog with her colitis. I hear the angst of these folks who feel like their lives are lost, how they willingly sacrificed for what they thought would be a couple of years, but then it becomes a decade or more, and they are trapped an unable to get out until it is over --- however long 'it' is. I am grateful that this is not my full time existence and yet it still has had a huge impact on my life...how I spend my time, where I go, what my circle looks like, how much energy I have.
Not to mention a toxic work environment for so many years. And an old house I was not positioned to understand or deal with unsupported.
Look at the last few days...a weekend without Proggy, a night by myself to blow off steam, taking better care of myself and fixing up things around the house...it is time that I give myself the gift of recognizing that what I am experiencing is real, that my dad and my dog (and to a lesser extent) Proggy are very real things I am dealing with...that it is no failing of my character that I am not doing guitar and concerts and travel. Further, as my old therapist surmised, I expend tremendous amounts of mental energy managing emotions and that is one reason why my brain doesn't always function so well.
i guess it sounds like I am spinning for answers but what it feels like to me is saying yeah, you know, this is real, it is not who I am, it is just things happening to me. I have an aging parent who needs care and attention and I am the "only child" in all practical sense.
I also think that what feels selfish to me (putting my own needs first) actually generally is not.
And what is important and meaningful is inside of me and has just been shut down and overwhelmed. I am still here. My heart is still beating. I can finally imagine what it will feel like to once again be near mountains, or the Pacific Coast, or among the Redwoods, or so many other places. Why now, why today? Because I got a bunch of to-do's out of the way, the needy beings are ok for the moment, and I have space and time for myself. Real space and real time. I can feel my fingers and my body again, not entirely but largely. I can actually take a deep breath and feel it in my chest.
I don't want to leave this place, this quietude, I am afraid of going back.
I can finally sit and watch and listen to my own thoughts.
Why now, why today? Will it stay? For how long? Please stay.
Fiera
Well-known member
Oh no.
In my inbox this morning, a reply from AN to a short email I don't even remember sending him Friday night. I am still capable of being utterly stupid when I drink.
So now I have to clean up that mess. He asks if I want to see him. I don't. I viscerally still can't. I don't know if I ever will be able to talk with him again.
Moving on before I start beating myself up over it. I will message him after my financial advisor meeting later today.
Spent hours with my laptop yesterday trying to match online purchases into categories on my laptop. My biggest spending is taxes, financial advisor, healthcare expenses, auto/home insurance. There is so little being actually spent on home improvements, entertainment, recreation etc and I am sitting here feeling uneasy about the future and inflation. Yet I am told that working will only kick me up into a higher marginal tax bracket. Having your retirement money in pre-tax accounts is not all it is cracked up to be. Yes, the money grew tax free, but you get whacked on the back end for having been a saver and growing more of it. They just take more of it and you end up about the same in the end. It is very discouraging. My dad has been in somewhat the same situation but I can understand it better now.
That 30% increase in medical premiums doesn't help either. That will cost several more thousand per year.
Well, I turn 55 next year. I had at one point been hopeful that the government would reduce the medicare eligibility age to at least 60, but the insurance companies have gained traction in the other direction with their private plans (which need to be terminated imho). Medicare as we know it won't exist by the time I am 65 so will have to be prepared for whatever comes.
Its funny, not to sound morbid, but there is some comfort in aging and seeing that the wheels have not entirely come off, Also, knowing that I only can hope to remain active til 75 or 80 at the very most. Certainly the first four years of retirement have not been how I envisioned, Being closer to the endpoint really isn't that desirable. But my thougts and fears around finances are so insidious there is this element of relief almost...really, it is pretty twisted, to think that relief from financial anxiety will come - if ever - when I am too old and feeble for life to be worth living, Gotta work on that lol...it starts with getting an objective handle on where I am.
And not to forget, if I need to, I can get a roommate or something. I think it is pretty clear I am not going to be able to afford a 2nd home without a partner.
In my inbox this morning, a reply from AN to a short email I don't even remember sending him Friday night. I am still capable of being utterly stupid when I drink.
So now I have to clean up that mess. He asks if I want to see him. I don't. I viscerally still can't. I don't know if I ever will be able to talk with him again.
Moving on before I start beating myself up over it. I will message him after my financial advisor meeting later today.
Spent hours with my laptop yesterday trying to match online purchases into categories on my laptop. My biggest spending is taxes, financial advisor, healthcare expenses, auto/home insurance. There is so little being actually spent on home improvements, entertainment, recreation etc and I am sitting here feeling uneasy about the future and inflation. Yet I am told that working will only kick me up into a higher marginal tax bracket. Having your retirement money in pre-tax accounts is not all it is cracked up to be. Yes, the money grew tax free, but you get whacked on the back end for having been a saver and growing more of it. They just take more of it and you end up about the same in the end. It is very discouraging. My dad has been in somewhat the same situation but I can understand it better now.
That 30% increase in medical premiums doesn't help either. That will cost several more thousand per year.
Well, I turn 55 next year. I had at one point been hopeful that the government would reduce the medicare eligibility age to at least 60, but the insurance companies have gained traction in the other direction with their private plans (which need to be terminated imho). Medicare as we know it won't exist by the time I am 65 so will have to be prepared for whatever comes.
Its funny, not to sound morbid, but there is some comfort in aging and seeing that the wheels have not entirely come off, Also, knowing that I only can hope to remain active til 75 or 80 at the very most. Certainly the first four years of retirement have not been how I envisioned, Being closer to the endpoint really isn't that desirable. But my thougts and fears around finances are so insidious there is this element of relief almost...really, it is pretty twisted, to think that relief from financial anxiety will come - if ever - when I am too old and feeble for life to be worth living, Gotta work on that lol...it starts with getting an objective handle on where I am.
And not to forget, if I need to, I can get a roommate or something. I think it is pretty clear I am not going to be able to afford a 2nd home without a partner.
Fiera
Well-known member
Found it difficult to write AN so left it and took KDog for a walk. Either promptly or never I guess, but honestly respondinding is like threading a needle and I just don't have the time to spare right now. Am really not happy with myself.
Meeting/call with financial guy was pretty decent. I got on the table my concerns about getting a plan together on how we will work together with tax to develop a plan for cashflow and conversions, and also wanting to walk thru and make sure I understand where I am at in terms of growth/returns.
My anxiety is up tho, probably due to fumbling with the AN email for an hour and having no resolve.
I made breakfast and lunch today more like what I used to eat in the office cafeteria. Brekkie: Egg+white, 45 cal chicken bkfst ssg, dry whole wht Eng Muffin
Lunch: Romaine, chix salad, kidney+black beans, goat cheese (no cottage)
More or less 550-600 cals which leaves room for a decent dinner. Also, had lunch at 1 so hoping to hold off for dinner til 6 or so. Then eat enough to get thru til bed time.
Weight after shower 188. Still uncomfortable in abdomen and lower back today but not quite as much.
Meeting/call with financial guy was pretty decent. I got on the table my concerns about getting a plan together on how we will work together with tax to develop a plan for cashflow and conversions, and also wanting to walk thru and make sure I understand where I am at in terms of growth/returns.
My anxiety is up tho, probably due to fumbling with the AN email for an hour and having no resolve.
I made breakfast and lunch today more like what I used to eat in the office cafeteria. Brekkie: Egg+white, 45 cal chicken bkfst ssg, dry whole wht Eng Muffin
Lunch: Romaine, chix salad, kidney+black beans, goat cheese (no cottage)
More or less 550-600 cals which leaves room for a decent dinner. Also, had lunch at 1 so hoping to hold off for dinner til 6 or so. Then eat enough to get thru til bed time.
Weight after shower 188. Still uncomfortable in abdomen and lower back today but not quite as much.
Fiera
Well-known member
Dinner: Low sodium turkey on thin 12-grain: large banana; really awful cheese tortellini soup, some almonds. About 550 since I tossed most of the soup.
Made myself send a brief reply to AN. Letting it sit would have been a complicating factor. He was gracious and brief in reply. And now we are back to silence until such time as I might be ready. Frees my brain bandwidth back up for the financial stuff.
Happy with the soft cozy new sweatpants I bought at the big box club Monday. The XMas wreath makes me smile every time I open the front door. I put the movie The Holiday on, which is cute and cheery and a bit hopeful.
Glad that I rescheduled my car service appt for tomorrow until next Tues. I was bit distracted from getting further on the financial stuff and I would like to keep going on it.
Made myself send a brief reply to AN. Letting it sit would have been a complicating factor. He was gracious and brief in reply. And now we are back to silence until such time as I might be ready. Frees my brain bandwidth back up for the financial stuff.
Happy with the soft cozy new sweatpants I bought at the big box club Monday. The XMas wreath makes me smile every time I open the front door. I put the movie The Holiday on, which is cute and cheery and a bit hopeful.
Glad that I rescheduled my car service appt for tomorrow until next Tues. I was bit distracted from getting further on the financial stuff and I would like to keep going on it.
Last edited:
Cate
Long term member
Well done, Fiera! I have been rescheduling things today too, to try to relieve some stress.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thursday
First visit from Cleaning Lady in a month, since her last scheduled day fell on Thanksgiving. I kept the place pretty clean and actually washed dog bed covers etc to help simplify and let her clean a bit more deeply where it counts.
My gut is still bothering me. I ate cheese sticks and water crackers in the late hours, a square bar and almonds.
My bloodwork came back with high cholesterol. Like seriously elevated. I have never had a cholesterol problem in my life. Thank the stars my A1C is OK and my glucose is just the slightest hair in the pre diabetic range. I read where in menopause women's cholesterol can go up. But when I looked at the foods that contribute, plus lifestyle factors like not exercising, it is clear that I can do something by changing my ways.
Cheese and sausage pizza. Cheese for snacks. Eggs (yolks). Butter perhaps?
My ferritin is on the low end of normal but I think is up a bit from last time. The immune flags seem to be OK. CK is higher end of normal.
Puzzlingly none of the common food allergies ticked the box, and yet there has to be something which my innards do not like for my gut to feel bloated and swollen. Like nuts and seeds bread, or salt or something...my hip joints too and arms come and go. We will find it eventually.
While I was typing this the anticipated email came letting me know that I did NOT receive a berth in the lottery for -- marathon. Had kinda been hoping/dreading it but it was a concrete goal to work towards to give me focus. Maybe I need a destination one but with KDog and my Dad I haven't been giving myself permission to go off and do something like that, A year from now, will either of them be around? Both? Do I keep postponing while the clock continues to tick? I think it is better to try and have to cancel than to pick a goal which doesn't light a fire in my belly.
Most of the majors have steep fundraising goals so I might aim for a next level down, like Dublin.
First visit from Cleaning Lady in a month, since her last scheduled day fell on Thanksgiving. I kept the place pretty clean and actually washed dog bed covers etc to help simplify and let her clean a bit more deeply where it counts.
My gut is still bothering me. I ate cheese sticks and water crackers in the late hours, a square bar and almonds.
My bloodwork came back with high cholesterol. Like seriously elevated. I have never had a cholesterol problem in my life. Thank the stars my A1C is OK and my glucose is just the slightest hair in the pre diabetic range. I read where in menopause women's cholesterol can go up. But when I looked at the foods that contribute, plus lifestyle factors like not exercising, it is clear that I can do something by changing my ways.
Cheese and sausage pizza. Cheese for snacks. Eggs (yolks). Butter perhaps?
My ferritin is on the low end of normal but I think is up a bit from last time. The immune flags seem to be OK. CK is higher end of normal.
Puzzlingly none of the common food allergies ticked the box, and yet there has to be something which my innards do not like for my gut to feel bloated and swollen. Like nuts and seeds bread, or salt or something...my hip joints too and arms come and go. We will find it eventually.
While I was typing this the anticipated email came letting me know that I did NOT receive a berth in the lottery for -- marathon. Had kinda been hoping/dreading it but it was a concrete goal to work towards to give me focus. Maybe I need a destination one but with KDog and my Dad I haven't been giving myself permission to go off and do something like that, A year from now, will either of them be around? Both? Do I keep postponing while the clock continues to tick? I think it is better to try and have to cancel than to pick a goal which doesn't light a fire in my belly.
Most of the majors have steep fundraising goals so I might aim for a next level down, like Dublin.
Fiera
Well-known member
Friday
This week has been pretty good for me, digging out a bit. When life is a bit calmer I simply feel more human. I got a few more items out of the house, a C&B plate went on Freebox, some plastic bags went to the grocery, and some items are in my car to go to donation and recycling. The front room looks better. Also, I went thru Dad paperwork and shredded some things, and organized others, researched some deeds and started a list of questions we need to ask his attorney.
I snacked last night but I put peanut butter on crackers and avoided cheese and my gut does not hurt this morning.
I went back a year on my weight data and I put on 20 pounds. The primary driver is Dad stress ( which includes managing Peaches).
I realized something just now. I have been somewhat hard on myself thinking "I am not his full time caregiver" that my life could just go on and I could absorb it. But when I look back (and ahead), various caretaking / companionship / decluttering takes not days or weeks but MONTHS out of my year. It has just been insidious and not diclosed up front. I mean, I could sign up for guitar or pottery or fostering a dog and I have some idea I am doing it and how much time is involved. There is a start and end. With Dad, things have just "shown up", involving days, weeks or months at a time. Peaches has an active family life and wants me to dadsit him while she does this that or the other. Not complaining, just have been becoming aware lately that all this has sort of worked itself into a defining element of my life, and not just something I occasionally do. And it has been unpredictably prolonged in way only other caregivers have helped me to see. The anguished sentiments "I miss my life", the despair, the folks who have been doing it for 20 years, the traits all seem to have in common is dire fatigue, despair, depression, and helplessness. When there are no resources and no help, you just keep going, but life is certainly not a fair deal.
The other thing is that there is an awkward unevenness in my ability to control and make decisions because Peaches is the primary orchestrator. Believe me I am grateful and am not complaining, just observing. A support group member recommended a website/app to find home car ranging from companion care on up, and it may be just what we need to help each of us carry our loads a little bit lighter.
********
Funny thing this morning, I woke up to a connection request on my fitness app from someone who helps with the transports. My immediate reaction was horror. How did someone irl find me on there? No, I am too private, I don't want someone to be able to see what I am doing. I changed all the settings to "only me" and was just done with it. But I ended up rethinking it within an hour. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe she will help inspire me to get moving again. Maybe she runs? Anyway, I reversed course and accepted her request. I can't keep hiding every aspect of who I am all the time. It is my truth and I need to live in it.
*******************
I wrote that this morning but never hit post. So nice and sunny-cheery-warmer today. Was upbeat with CB this morning. Then walked an entire mile with KDog, listening to some music and snapping an adorable photo of her in a candy cane lane. Then quick shower and off to Dexa scan, a stop for some tofu salad - I was fascinated with the pallet loads of soybeans and the vacuum tube sucking them up, then he showed me the production room, it was quite impressive!, and then home. I ate the tofu salad in the car so the cod I will have for dinner later (baking now). Tempted to put a fire in the firepit but I have gotten so little done on taxes today (like nothing) that I feel I need to work on that next.
My Dad rang while I was up to my elbows washing dishes and informed me that the restaurant was booked on the 16th and could I make it the 19th Tuesday at 7PM? My head nearly exploded. I already have an appt that day with Financial guy in North town at 11AM, so I will have to come back home for a few hours (for KDog), then drive North over an hour to go to dinner which will be gobbled and done in an hour. I actually called the restaurant myself to ask because it occurred to me that maybe Peaches was just manipulating the schedule to suit her better, but they really were booked. I felt a flash of anger and frustration as all the stress around schedules and not getting enough me time/rest time flooded my body again. Ultimately I said I did have something else but that I thought I could make it work. If I can't because I am too tired or whatever, then I can't.
This week has been pretty good for me, digging out a bit. When life is a bit calmer I simply feel more human. I got a few more items out of the house, a C&B plate went on Freebox, some plastic bags went to the grocery, and some items are in my car to go to donation and recycling. The front room looks better. Also, I went thru Dad paperwork and shredded some things, and organized others, researched some deeds and started a list of questions we need to ask his attorney.
I snacked last night but I put peanut butter on crackers and avoided cheese and my gut does not hurt this morning.
I went back a year on my weight data and I put on 20 pounds. The primary driver is Dad stress ( which includes managing Peaches).
I realized something just now. I have been somewhat hard on myself thinking "I am not his full time caregiver" that my life could just go on and I could absorb it. But when I look back (and ahead), various caretaking / companionship / decluttering takes not days or weeks but MONTHS out of my year. It has just been insidious and not diclosed up front. I mean, I could sign up for guitar or pottery or fostering a dog and I have some idea I am doing it and how much time is involved. There is a start and end. With Dad, things have just "shown up", involving days, weeks or months at a time. Peaches has an active family life and wants me to dadsit him while she does this that or the other. Not complaining, just have been becoming aware lately that all this has sort of worked itself into a defining element of my life, and not just something I occasionally do. And it has been unpredictably prolonged in way only other caregivers have helped me to see. The anguished sentiments "I miss my life", the despair, the folks who have been doing it for 20 years, the traits all seem to have in common is dire fatigue, despair, depression, and helplessness. When there are no resources and no help, you just keep going, but life is certainly not a fair deal.
The other thing is that there is an awkward unevenness in my ability to control and make decisions because Peaches is the primary orchestrator. Believe me I am grateful and am not complaining, just observing. A support group member recommended a website/app to find home car ranging from companion care on up, and it may be just what we need to help each of us carry our loads a little bit lighter.
********
Funny thing this morning, I woke up to a connection request on my fitness app from someone who helps with the transports. My immediate reaction was horror. How did someone irl find me on there? No, I am too private, I don't want someone to be able to see what I am doing. I changed all the settings to "only me" and was just done with it. But I ended up rethinking it within an hour. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe she will help inspire me to get moving again. Maybe she runs? Anyway, I reversed course and accepted her request. I can't keep hiding every aspect of who I am all the time. It is my truth and I need to live in it.
*******************
I wrote that this morning but never hit post. So nice and sunny-cheery-warmer today. Was upbeat with CB this morning. Then walked an entire mile with KDog, listening to some music and snapping an adorable photo of her in a candy cane lane. Then quick shower and off to Dexa scan, a stop for some tofu salad - I was fascinated with the pallet loads of soybeans and the vacuum tube sucking them up, then he showed me the production room, it was quite impressive!, and then home. I ate the tofu salad in the car so the cod I will have for dinner later (baking now). Tempted to put a fire in the firepit but I have gotten so little done on taxes today (like nothing) that I feel I need to work on that next.
My Dad rang while I was up to my elbows washing dishes and informed me that the restaurant was booked on the 16th and could I make it the 19th Tuesday at 7PM? My head nearly exploded. I already have an appt that day with Financial guy in North town at 11AM, so I will have to come back home for a few hours (for KDog), then drive North over an hour to go to dinner which will be gobbled and done in an hour. I actually called the restaurant myself to ask because it occurred to me that maybe Peaches was just manipulating the schedule to suit her better, but they really were booked. I felt a flash of anger and frustration as all the stress around schedules and not getting enough me time/rest time flooded my body again. Ultimately I said I did have something else but that I thought I could make it work. If I can't because I am too tired or whatever, then I can't.
Fiera
Well-known member
I'm still raging, how dumb I admit, But I am not angry as much as feeling overwhelmed and tired and defensive and sad and anxious. It all just balls up into one big trigger and wham-o. Well I hope to move through it and back on track with my day. The fish is not coming out well, I did something wrong. It should be white and fluffy and it is still off color and thick, but getting dried out. Grrrr. That is 10 bucks at least worth of cod.
Fiera
Well-known member
Waking salivary cortisol test result came back a bit high. Will see what doc thinks. Maybe follow on with the test you take 4 times per day. Some writings emphasize the importance of regular sleep times and habits to help your adrenals in regulating cortisol. Seems like a good opportunity for me to pat myself on the back for turning off the TV - and lights - most nights these days. Between 10:30-11 usually.
I took a mile walk without KDog. However I was texting with EF so it was slow. Can't call that intentional walking. I have a hard time walking at a clip. Abdomen, lower back, and hips all really not normal. I am not discouraged, I am just seeing that I cannot just snap my fingers and get back in the swing of things like I used to. Either I am further gone or there is just something wrong with my body. Just. Keep. Walking.
Brekkie: 1 egg + white + wheat eng muffin, a few organic blueberries (250)
Lunch: around 1 PM, really pigged out on tofu salads (700?)
Dinner: around 7PM, 2 cod tacos w tartar sauce, sm romaine + S drsg (360)
Walking a bit over 2 miles
I'm satisfied with that.
DEXA scan, Cortisol results
Connected with EF, nurtured KDog.
Maybe the Universe did me a favor not having my number come up for the marathon. I need a big goal but maybe I start with small goals...like walking 3 miles in a day at least 3 times next week.
Going to flip on a holiday movie I have never seen before called Holiday Inn (its old school) and start getting ready for sleep at 10.
I took a mile walk without KDog. However I was texting with EF so it was slow. Can't call that intentional walking. I have a hard time walking at a clip. Abdomen, lower back, and hips all really not normal. I am not discouraged, I am just seeing that I cannot just snap my fingers and get back in the swing of things like I used to. Either I am further gone or there is just something wrong with my body. Just. Keep. Walking.
Brekkie: 1 egg + white + wheat eng muffin, a few organic blueberries (250)
Lunch: around 1 PM, really pigged out on tofu salads (700?)
Dinner: around 7PM, 2 cod tacos w tartar sauce, sm romaine + S drsg (360)
Walking a bit over 2 miles
I'm satisfied with that.
DEXA scan, Cortisol results
Connected with EF, nurtured KDog.
Maybe the Universe did me a favor not having my number come up for the marathon. I need a big goal but maybe I start with small goals...like walking 3 miles in a day at least 3 times next week.
Going to flip on a holiday movie I have never seen before called Holiday Inn (its old school) and start getting ready for sleep at 10.
Fiera
Well-known member
Saturday
Ok. The movie had me charmed early on but after the a couple of the musical numbers fell flat it lost its magic. Still, would potentially watch it again and just zip through the parts which bore me..,or maybe they would be less irritating after you became familiar...the dancing and singing were excellent though and I can't stand musicals. I think I found this one watchable because the dancing and singing were what the people actually do for a living...not just a host of street characters bursting into song.
I really got nothing done on taxes yesterday so I am going to hit them between 9 and 12 and then take a shower. Proggy is coming up to do some things in celebration of his bday this month, we are going to work on his ancestry for a citizenship application and then go guitar shopping and out to dinner. This is my little break for the day. I am much happier about him coming since he gave me last night off. Two days is plenty enough time to hang out.
Listened to music again on morning walk today, picked a few old singles and then threw on Wet Lg radio to try to pick up some more contemporary stuff. As I am sometimes reminded by memes, my favorite albums are now roughly 35 years old. They were good ones, but the are fully used up in the way of creating new memories, emotions, and attachments, They can be numbing or comforting; they are easy to sing and dance to. They can evoke old memories. But they cannot create new ones. This is one reason that DM overcame NO as my favorite band...they are not only still touring but they are creating quality, interesting new music. Almost every other band from the 80's is just touring on music they created years ago. I am holding my breath because I think DM may retire after this world tour....it just feels like this is a farewell tour and album even though they are not saying so. We will see. Its extremely impressive that they have made it THIS long.
Off to make eggs and spinach...maybe some coffee too. This little ditty will bring me forward to this mornings task:
Beatles - Taxman [link removed because yt is a cookie whore]
Ok. The movie had me charmed early on but after the a couple of the musical numbers fell flat it lost its magic. Still, would potentially watch it again and just zip through the parts which bore me..,or maybe they would be less irritating after you became familiar...the dancing and singing were excellent though and I can't stand musicals. I think I found this one watchable because the dancing and singing were what the people actually do for a living...not just a host of street characters bursting into song.
I really got nothing done on taxes yesterday so I am going to hit them between 9 and 12 and then take a shower. Proggy is coming up to do some things in celebration of his bday this month, we are going to work on his ancestry for a citizenship application and then go guitar shopping and out to dinner. This is my little break for the day. I am much happier about him coming since he gave me last night off. Two days is plenty enough time to hang out.
Listened to music again on morning walk today, picked a few old singles and then threw on Wet Lg radio to try to pick up some more contemporary stuff. As I am sometimes reminded by memes, my favorite albums are now roughly 35 years old. They were good ones, but the are fully used up in the way of creating new memories, emotions, and attachments, They can be numbing or comforting; they are easy to sing and dance to. They can evoke old memories. But they cannot create new ones. This is one reason that DM overcame NO as my favorite band...they are not only still touring but they are creating quality, interesting new music. Almost every other band from the 80's is just touring on music they created years ago. I am holding my breath because I think DM may retire after this world tour....it just feels like this is a farewell tour and album even though they are not saying so. We will see. Its extremely impressive that they have made it THIS long.
Off to make eggs and spinach...maybe some coffee too. This little ditty will bring me forward to this mornings task:
Beatles - Taxman [link removed because yt is a cookie whore]
Fiera
Well-known member
Sunday
I love love love that my brain cells are firing again and I have enough energy to get things done and not collapse by mid afternoon. Really the only things that have changed in the last 10 days are eating cleaner/non-inflammatory AND a break in the intensity of the external demands on my time and energy. And permission to have a drink now and then and just let my hair down a bit. Wow wow wow. To think how self judgemental I am about my life state when, if I considered myself more like a single mom of 2 instead (ala single woman with a failing dad and a failing (very large) dog) instead of how my life looked when I had no dependents and was traveling the globe for work, well of COURSE I cannot show up for my life in the same way.
I was never cut out to be a "mom", really, and while nurturing KDog is OK, is it something entirely different with my Dad. He lives an hour away. In winter he lives 2000 miles away. I cannot just drop by and take care of this or that. When I do visit, it takes the better part of a day, or 2 days, or a week. When he ends up in the hospital, which is on average once per year, there is a severe crisis where everything gets dropped and I exit my life completely. In the aggregate it is weeks and months out of my year. So NO it is NOT some kind of personal failing that my house still needs major repairs, or my car, or even my own self, wardrobe, etc.
What I HAVE accomplished is "some repairs" on the house (sidewalks, trees removed this year), set up a rescue intake center in my basement and furnished it with equipment and supplies. This is something I always wanted to get involved with and I have done it in a way which fills a gap and does not require a 24/7 commitment. I have helped to create around 50 happy families. I have made a ton of new aquaintances and a couple I would consider friends among the rescue people. I worked at staying connected with some more long term connections as well.
So the dog rescue thing is also taking time away from / distracting from the realities which need to be dealt with. But, I guess, opportunity was knocking and I was in the right place at the right time...sometimes you just have to leap. I leaped! I am proud of myself.
Barring any major dad crisis in the next 2 weeks things will be a lot more about me and what I want. There won't be another rescue intake until late January. There is a whirlwind of year end doc appts and the like. But there is some time to get me things done.
**************************
So back to my original train of thought, yesterday I finished up my projections and sent them to the CPA for him to bless the year end Roth conversion. I gave myself a hard stop of noon with Proggy on his way over, and decided to just ballpark medical and charitable, realizing that getting the medical/charitable data more scrubbed was not going to make a material difference and would probably only help in the end. I was able to get that out and was ready when Proggy showed up to help him with his Ancestry stuff for a couple of hours. It was tedious (to him) but in the end we identified his grandmother and grandfather's manifests and downloaded and saved what we think will be sufficient evidence...I surely hope so. It has been a super long journey to obtain the info and fingers crossed it pans out.
We skipped the guitar shopping and went straight over for dinner (Italian), record shopping, hot chocolate (for him) and the a festive outdoor market. The winds were pretty cold so after a shortish tour of the market we ducked into an adjacent bar for a drink/coffee before heading home around 9. I am so happy that I really didn't start to feel like I was out of steam until that point. It is a flipping miracle to get that much done in one day. Really, am so so happy to feel more like myself again, more human.
I was dancing and singing on KDog's early walk today, kind of a bit of a jog in place thing to get exercise, Let the good times roll.
The Cars "Let the Good Times Roll"
(no link, because yt is a cookie whore)
I love love love that my brain cells are firing again and I have enough energy to get things done and not collapse by mid afternoon. Really the only things that have changed in the last 10 days are eating cleaner/non-inflammatory AND a break in the intensity of the external demands on my time and energy. And permission to have a drink now and then and just let my hair down a bit. Wow wow wow. To think how self judgemental I am about my life state when, if I considered myself more like a single mom of 2 instead (ala single woman with a failing dad and a failing (very large) dog) instead of how my life looked when I had no dependents and was traveling the globe for work, well of COURSE I cannot show up for my life in the same way.
I was never cut out to be a "mom", really, and while nurturing KDog is OK, is it something entirely different with my Dad. He lives an hour away. In winter he lives 2000 miles away. I cannot just drop by and take care of this or that. When I do visit, it takes the better part of a day, or 2 days, or a week. When he ends up in the hospital, which is on average once per year, there is a severe crisis where everything gets dropped and I exit my life completely. In the aggregate it is weeks and months out of my year. So NO it is NOT some kind of personal failing that my house still needs major repairs, or my car, or even my own self, wardrobe, etc.
What I HAVE accomplished is "some repairs" on the house (sidewalks, trees removed this year), set up a rescue intake center in my basement and furnished it with equipment and supplies. This is something I always wanted to get involved with and I have done it in a way which fills a gap and does not require a 24/7 commitment. I have helped to create around 50 happy families. I have made a ton of new aquaintances and a couple I would consider friends among the rescue people. I worked at staying connected with some more long term connections as well.
So the dog rescue thing is also taking time away from / distracting from the realities which need to be dealt with. But, I guess, opportunity was knocking and I was in the right place at the right time...sometimes you just have to leap. I leaped! I am proud of myself.
Barring any major dad crisis in the next 2 weeks things will be a lot more about me and what I want. There won't be another rescue intake until late January. There is a whirlwind of year end doc appts and the like. But there is some time to get me things done.
**************************
So back to my original train of thought, yesterday I finished up my projections and sent them to the CPA for him to bless the year end Roth conversion. I gave myself a hard stop of noon with Proggy on his way over, and decided to just ballpark medical and charitable, realizing that getting the medical/charitable data more scrubbed was not going to make a material difference and would probably only help in the end. I was able to get that out and was ready when Proggy showed up to help him with his Ancestry stuff for a couple of hours. It was tedious (to him) but in the end we identified his grandmother and grandfather's manifests and downloaded and saved what we think will be sufficient evidence...I surely hope so. It has been a super long journey to obtain the info and fingers crossed it pans out.
We skipped the guitar shopping and went straight over for dinner (Italian), record shopping, hot chocolate (for him) and the a festive outdoor market. The winds were pretty cold so after a shortish tour of the market we ducked into an adjacent bar for a drink/coffee before heading home around 9. I am so happy that I really didn't start to feel like I was out of steam until that point. It is a flipping miracle to get that much done in one day. Really, am so so happy to feel more like myself again, more human.
I was dancing and singing on KDog's early walk today, kind of a bit of a jog in place thing to get exercise, Let the good times roll.
The Cars "Let the Good Times Roll"
(no link, because yt is a cookie whore)
Fiera
Well-known member
Monday
So. Proggy went home and as I was putting away printouts of the geneaology stuff I had emailed him, I realized that I had made a major error. I had to tell him not to send the stuff to his attorney then spent the next 7 hours looking, up well past bed time. I can't let him down on this. We both need it to be D.O.N.E. The clock is ticking. Yet there are so many other things on our plates. The pressure is palpable. Question: Can I afford to get stressed out over this? Answer: NOPE!
Today I have the foot doc and I need to get my ducks in a row regarding a major service my SUV is due for Weds. I haven't picked out a new vehicle yet. I am trying to determine which services are needed and which ones it makes sense to do at the dealer and which ones a regular mechanic might be a better/more cost effective option. It's almost $800 for the scheduled service and that doesn't seem to get me a whole lot. If it was $150 I wouldn't dig into it.
Also the gyne is Weds.
I feel worried about how KDog is going to tolerate my absence while I am gone to take my dad to FL. Mostly worried she will be anxious and crying and make the sitter a bit nuts. But hopefully with another older dog and New sitter's steadying personality, and a house she stayed at before, she will do ok. I cannot keep worrying about it, the decision has been made.
So. Proggy went home and as I was putting away printouts of the geneaology stuff I had emailed him, I realized that I had made a major error. I had to tell him not to send the stuff to his attorney then spent the next 7 hours looking, up well past bed time. I can't let him down on this. We both need it to be D.O.N.E. The clock is ticking. Yet there are so many other things on our plates. The pressure is palpable. Question: Can I afford to get stressed out over this? Answer: NOPE!
Today I have the foot doc and I need to get my ducks in a row regarding a major service my SUV is due for Weds. I haven't picked out a new vehicle yet. I am trying to determine which services are needed and which ones it makes sense to do at the dealer and which ones a regular mechanic might be a better/more cost effective option. It's almost $800 for the scheduled service and that doesn't seem to get me a whole lot. If it was $150 I wouldn't dig into it.
Also the gyne is Weds.
I feel worried about how KDog is going to tolerate my absence while I am gone to take my dad to FL. Mostly worried she will be anxious and crying and make the sitter a bit nuts. But hopefully with another older dog and New sitter's steadying personality, and a house she stayed at before, she will do ok. I cannot keep worrying about it, the decision has been made.
Fiera
Well-known member
Wednesday
Spent all day Monday and Tuesday on the ancestry stuff. I think I have pieced together most of what we are going to get, though there is one more thing we can try which involves the National Archives. No time for that right now.
Whatever else I might have said is now displaced by a phone call I just received from Proggy. The WORST news, he is getting laid off on Dec 29. The man just turned 64! It is a flipping nightmare - age, time of year, and he is already prone to serious depression this time of year. AND I am leaving on Christmas morning to drive Dad and Peaches and he will be all alone the week this is happening. So I will be on the phone with him a LOT. Eff. ONE more year and he would be eligible for Medicare and Cobra is Sooooooo expensive. It is a bad time of year to be looking for work. I just feel so effing sorry and sad for him and worse that my capacity to support is not great.
I am happy that I resigned myself to get the stupidly expensive maintenance service done today because I frankly simply don't have time to ask more questions or go somewhere else. I was able to get a ride from them to the hospital (my gyne is in the building next door) and am now set up to work for a few hours from the cafeteria before my annual. Got a bar style seat by the window, sun streaming in, trees and landscaping to look out upon (including birch, a favorite). And I printed my calendar before walking out the door. 2 full hours of planning bliss. Love love love getting out to a calming place like this.
Spent all day Monday and Tuesday on the ancestry stuff. I think I have pieced together most of what we are going to get, though there is one more thing we can try which involves the National Archives. No time for that right now.
Whatever else I might have said is now displaced by a phone call I just received from Proggy. The WORST news, he is getting laid off on Dec 29. The man just turned 64! It is a flipping nightmare - age, time of year, and he is already prone to serious depression this time of year. AND I am leaving on Christmas morning to drive Dad and Peaches and he will be all alone the week this is happening. So I will be on the phone with him a LOT. Eff. ONE more year and he would be eligible for Medicare and Cobra is Sooooooo expensive. It is a bad time of year to be looking for work. I just feel so effing sorry and sad for him and worse that my capacity to support is not great.
I am happy that I resigned myself to get the stupidly expensive maintenance service done today because I frankly simply don't have time to ask more questions or go somewhere else. I was able to get a ride from them to the hospital (my gyne is in the building next door) and am now set up to work for a few hours from the cafeteria before my annual. Got a bar style seat by the window, sun streaming in, trees and landscaping to look out upon (including birch, a favorite). And I printed my calendar before walking out the door. 2 full hours of planning bliss. Love love love getting out to a calming place like this.